May Osama Choke on His Humpburger

Big News

On an audiotape Thursday Osama bin Laden says al-Qaida is making preparations for attacks in the United States. If President Bush says, "Bring 'em on!" he should get a new speechwriter.
- Unfortunately, President Bush can't respond because the White House doesn't have a cassette recorder.
- And the 8-track recorder is in the shop.
- Bin Laden communicates by audiotape so nobody can eavesdrop.
- The CIA knows it's really bin Laden because his beard got caught in the cassette tape.

Osama bin Laden is suffering from cirrhosis of the brain. Which can happen when you snort a mixture of anthrax and camel dander.

A judge granted a request Thursday by actress Angelina Jolie to change the names of her two children to reflect that actor Brad Pitt will become their adoptive father. The kids last names will be Jolie-Pitt, with a hyphen in the middle, so when they become teenagers, they can easily unhyphenate whichever parent they're mad at.

Fabulous Friday

The first modern basketball game was played at Springfield, Massachusetts, on January 20th in 1892. That was a long time ago -- when Shaquille O'Neal was still a rookie.

U.S. and British leaders signed a preliminary agreement to stop shooting at each other on January 20th in 1783, the beginning of the end of the American Revolution. On the Dow Jones that day, cannon ball stocks really bombed.

George W. Bush was inaugurated on January 20th in 2001 as the 43rd U.S. president. He was sworn in by the Chief Justice, who made it all possible.
- Immediately after the inauguration, to help the President restore integrity to the Oval Office, Laura Bush called for mandatory warning labels on all young female interns.

Love & Learn

Converting Recipes to Low Fat - The fat content in recipes can be reduced in a variety of ways. Let's look at hamburger, pork, chicken, milk, oils, butter, mayo, and seasonings.

Thoughts While Practicing CPR

If they install a computer chip in my brain, does it come with a Microsoft browser, or can I choose my own?

The violent crime rate in America just keeps going down. In fact, it's now so low, the only way some local TV news programs can lead with stories on violence, rape, and drug abuse is to start with the sports report.

Remember, anytime a bell rings, it means an angel got its wings. Or, the Cheez-Whiz is done in the microwave.

Greatest Feeling in the World

Warning! HaBlog will not cause drowsiness, so it's perfectly okay to read it while operating heavy machinery and pregnant.

Big News

Consumer prices rose in 2005 by the largest rate in five years. In other words, the Bush administration broke its own record for high prices.- By the time Democrats regain control of the country they won't be able to afford it.

A California couple who planted a severed finger in a bowl of Wendy's chili in a scheme to extort money from the fast-food chain were sentenced Wednesday to prison terms of nine and 12 years. The judge's advice to them as they headed off to prison -- "Whatever you do, don't eat the chili!"

Gohan the 3-inch hamster and Aochan the 4-foot rat snake have become best buddies at a Tokyo zoo after zookeepers fed the hamster to Aochan, but the snake refused to eat it.
- Heck, I wouldn't either.
- Don't you know the other animals snicker and make fun of both of them?
- I bet Gohan likes to roll Aochan up like a wheel and roll him all around the cage.

Thrilling Thursday

Dolly Parton is 60 on Thursday. I will always love Dolly. There's just something about her. Couple things, in fact.
- Those huge blue eyes.

I can't wait for Dolly's tell-all autobiography. She's got a lot to get off her chest.

Coach Dan Reeves is 61 on Thursday. He played in Dallas when the Cowboys were America's Team. Dan was so clean-cut, he was never even taken in for questioning.

Janis Joplin was born on January 19th in 1943. To appreciate what her first crying was like, just imagine Joe Cocker on helium.

Robert E. Lee was born on January 19th in 1807. Lee is one of the great heroes of the South -- right up there with Newt Gingrich and Trent Lott and all the Hee Haw Honeys.

Love & Learn

Gas Saving Scams and Fuel Efficiency Tips - Increases in the price of gas always seeem to bring an increase in the number of so-called fuel-saving gadgets and scams.

Thoughts While Thinking

I have always admired sane people, but I never voted for one.

The only good thing about winter driving is sometimes you can splash slush on the neighborhood kids.

For a man, the greatest feeling in the world is to walk out of a store where you almost bought something.

Never Shave a Show Sheep!

Big News

Federal lawsuits were filed Tuesday seeking to stop President Bush's domestic eavesdropping program, calling it an "illegal and unconstitutional program" of electronic eavesdropping on American citizens. The President's not worried. By the time the case reaches the Supreme Court, Harriet Miers will have the swing vote.
- Or Jeb or the twins or somebody who knows the law.

House Republicans unveiled a new ethics plan on Tuesday. Of course, the way Congress thinks, you'll probably need a Medicare card to buy ethics at participating drugs stores.

About thirty-five million Americans were watching the NFL Playoffs last Sunday. Which makes you wonder, what on earth were the other 260-million doing?
- Are football fans missing something really big?
- Do they care?

Wonderful Wednesday

The South Texas Sheep Show is this week. By the way, show sheep should be shorn with super-sharp sheep shears. Never shave a show sheep. Shaving a show sheep can short-out your Schick.

Hawaii was discovered on January 18th in 1778. The native Hawaiians taught the explorers lots of exciting new things: doing the hula ... cooking a pig in the sand ..... bowling with a pineapple...
..
On January 18th in 1967 Goose Tatum died at age 45. Goose was the great Harlem Globetrotter comic who kept fans laughing in the 1940s and '50s. He's probably up there somewhere right now -- throwing a bucket of confetti on some angels

On January 18th in 1951 new NFL rules made tackles, guards, and centers ineligible for forward passes. And to this day all offensive linemen can do is just stand there and hit people.
- And occasionally bleed.

Love & Laugh

Family Fun Files - From breast feeding to lawn and weed tips, loads of family laughs here.

Today's Horoscope

Virgo: This is not your lucky day. Tonight your nasal passages will freeze and burst if you don't remember to leave one dripping.

Thoughts While Dozing

You can trust most people, but even at the church potluck it's a good idea to put your name on your Tupperware.

Today's blog was brought to you by Guaranteed-to-Strike Bowling Balls, the bowling ball that guarantees a strike every time. Simply start your delivery, and just as you're about to release the ball, pull the pin.

Should Jurors Be Potty Trained?

Big News

Iraq's electoral commission said Monday a tiny percentage of fraudulent votes won't affect the outcome of the parliamentary elections. Results are expected Friday, when hopefully everyone will remember which candidates are still alive.

Two-year-old Kaylee Reynolds of New Bedford, Massachusetts, has been called for jury duty. Her mother, Patricia, says Kaylee gets really cranky if she doesn't get her noontime nap. But that's no excuse. That also applies to half the judges.

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is Make Your All-Time Top Ten Favorite TV Characters List. Go ahead. Will you include Lucy, Fonzie, Barney, Latka, Reverend Jim, Kramer, Boss Hogg, Corky, Gomer, Georgette, or Meathead? Bart Simpson?

Actor James Earl Jones, Darth Vader, is 75 on Tuesday. Darth Vader is my favorite villain, the meanest, most evil creature of all time. I hear he's afraid of Madonna.

Benjamin Franklin was born on January 17th in 1706. It was Ben who said, "To cure a toothache, wash the root of the tooth in vinegar and let it dry half an hour in the sun."
- Ben was a genius, but he had one screw that frequently needed to be tightened.

Popeye, the cartoon sailor-man, made his first appearance on January 17th in 1929. Popeye has four nephews: Peepeye, Pupeye, Pipeye, and Poopeye. Which explains why Popeye and Olive Oyl never got married and had children. All the good names were already taken.

Love & Learn

Scrapbooking Theme Ideas - There's no limit to the types of themes you can use in your scrapbooking. Whether you choose to highlight a specific event or you are composing a large, family album, the choice is up to you. Here are some ideas to help start your creative juices.

Thoughts While Under Sedation

If women were really smart, at first they'd get only one breast implant to see if they liked it.

The big problem with fast food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach.
- And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

Whenever I'm down and out, I lift up my head and shout, "Whitney Houston will always love me!"

I Love My Enemy, Little Debbie

Big News

President Bush didn't do anything special this weekend. Reportedly, he spent the whole time trying to learn to spell Condoleezza.
- Laura came up with some special extra-long Flash Cards.

Tom DeLay is having a rough time. For years he's been hoping his popularity rubbed off on other Republicans, and now they're hoping it doesn't.

Singer Eminem remarried his high school sweetheart this weekend. Kim Mathers reportedly agreed if he promised not to bring his work home.
- Poor guy can't even sing in the shower!

Marvelous Monday

Monday is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a federal holiday since 1986. Dr. King was born on January 15, 1929.

Dr. King was a non-violent dreamer, so some people hated him. These were the same people who hate Big Bird because he's yellow.

Dr. King had a dream that a time would come when humans would act human. But, of course, some humans don't think humans will ever act human because, after all, humans are only human.
- Still, it's a nice dream.

Some more thoughts on Dr. King

On January 16th in 1988 Tina Turner set a concert record by drawing 180,200 for a single performance at Americana Stadium in Rio de Janeiro. She was so revved up, it took her two weeks to regain control of her hips.

On January 16th in 1979 Cher filed for divorce just nine days after marrying Greg Allman. It was sad. He had given her some of the best hours of his life.
- The top layer of the wedding cake is probably still in somebody’s freezer.

Love & Learn

Top Ten Ways to Teach Values to Your Kids - In a consumer-driven society that broadcasts values you don’t approve of, how can you teach values to your kids? Here are ten ideas to help you.

Pet Lovebirds: What Fun! - Some fun facts about a loveable pet.

Make Money Online with RSS - This new twist to the Internet can be very valuable to you as a Internet marketer. Imagine replacing email marketing with RSS marketing.

This just in

Tylenol Sinus is merging with American Express Travelers Cheques. So now if you lose your sinuses anywhere in the world, they can be replaced with a single phone call.

Thoughts While Munching a Little Debbie

The universe just keeps expanding. But then, don't we all?

I had to stop watching the educational channel. I got too fat snacking during pledge breaks.

Remember, most addictions have side effects. Over-eating, however, has side, front, and rear effects.