Moon Contracts & Outhouse Races

Big News

NASA on Thursday awarded a multibillion dollar contract to build a manned lunar spaceship to Lockheed Martin. Halliburton got the contract to provide sack lunches and body armor for the astronauts.
- And vacuum up all the moon dust they find.

Iran defied a U.N. deadline Thursday to stop enriching uranium, but U.S. officials said no action would be taken right away. Reportedly, Iran's hard-line president is so adamant about staying the course, Republicans secretly admire the guy.

The leader of a polygamist sect said Thursday he will not fight extradition to Utah. Then, before dinner, Warren Jeffs married two jail guards and a tabloid reporter.

September 1st Now & Then

The Klondike International Outhouse Race is this weekend in The Yukon. Outhouses on wheels are raced over a two-mile course through downtown Dawson City. Last year's race ended in tragedy when one contestant lost control of his outhouse and crashed head-on into a crowd of avid outhouse racing fans.
- It was terrible. Fans had no idea that Mutual of Moose Jaw did not cover being struck by a passing outhouse.

Martha, the world's last living passenger pigeon, died at the Cincinnati Zoo on this day in 1914. Martha's stuffed remains are now on display with other extinct species at the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. -- where she perches proudly on the Tomb of the Unknown Honest Politician.

September is National Cat Health Month, sponsored by Smelly Vittles, the cat food cats really like. Available in four fantastic flavors: grilled goldfish, barbecued bugs, roasted robin, and minced mice meat.

September is Cable TV Month. Thanks to cable TV, the trashy movie you passed up at the mall three months ago can be in your own home tonight.

Love & Learn

Inside People - Awareness, support can aid in preventing, dealing with suicide.

TV Closeup - Elizabeth Perkins plays Celia Hodes in the dark television comedy "Weeds."

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Idlewild, Invincible, The Illusionist, Accepted, World Trade Center, Little Miss Sunshine, Step Up, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Barnyard: The Original Party Animals, Scoop, The Ant Bully, Lady in the Water, You, Me & Dupree.

Aging Lifestyles - Sex and the sexagenarian.

Shallow Thoughts

Isn't it wonderful how the breweries are taking the calories out of beer so teenagers won't be obese?

A true camping experience need not be plush; as long as the campground has toilets that flush.

Labor Day is a time for picnics and campaign speeches. You're chewing a mouthful while you're getting a bellyful.

What Day Is This?

August 31st Now & Then

Today is actually September 1st, but most people refuse to admit it.- In 27 B.C., after Augustus Caesar arranged to bury the hatchet in his granduncle Julius, Augustus became emperor and, naturally, wanted his own month.
- So Augustus chose Sextillus, the month following July. But since Sextillus had only 30 days, he stole today from September and called it August 31st. And here we are, over 2,000 years later, still screwed up.

The World Championship Goat Barbecue is this week in Brady, Texas. Goat barbecuing is a lot of fun -- except for the goat.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police was formed on this day in 1873 and soon became the world's most famous police force. But the Mounties aren't as popular as they used to be. Today, Eastern Canadians don't want their policemen to smell like horses.
- And Western Canadians don't want their horses to smell like policemen.

The National Old-Time Country Music Festival is this week in Avoca, Iowa. You know it’s "old-time" country music when you notice the snuff juice dribbling down their chins onto their fiddles.
- And you suddenly smell something funny when they start pattin’ their feet really fast.

Love & Learn

The Alert Consumer - Frequent fliers facing crowds, security, delays.

Motorcycles: Triumph Scrambler - New Scrambler's retro look belies a host of modern improvements.

Fall Movie Preview - Upcoming movie previews, including Hollywoodland, The Black Dahlia, Everyone's Hero, The Painted Veil, The Last Kiss and others, including holiday films.

Working Together to Bring Back Our Inner Cities - A new breed of urban mayors appears to be bringing a new attitude and approach to revitalizing ailing inner cities and making the black community a bigger player in that process.

Shallow Thoughts

My favorite athletes are racehorses. They never give interviews.

But remember, nudity is only skin deep.

Goats & Snakes & Confessing

Big News

Thanks to DNA evidence, it is now clear that John Mark Karr did not murder JonBenet Ramsey or ever even know her. Karr reportedly is now convinced his big mistake was in not confessing to Mariska Hargitay.
- Who you confess to is sooooo important these days....

In California, a mysterious fire was started this week near Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. At last report, CNN was checking to see if John Mark Karr had confessed to starting it.

August 30th; Now & Then

This is National Veterinary Week, honoring those brave physicians who devote most of their lives trying to get a cat to say, "Ahhh."
- Even more courageous are the doggie dentists. Ever try to floss a pit bull?

On this date in 1963 the famous "hot line" was set up between Washington and Moscow. In case of a nuclear emergency, the President can call up the Russians and in a matter of minutes have their complete denial.

The World Championship Barbecue Goat Cook-Off is this week in Brady, Texas. The most important thing to remember in goat barbecuing is to make sure the goat is extremely dead. Otherwise, he'll eat the charcoal.
- First, take one medium-size goat and marinade him for three days in a medium-size bathtub full of cheap wine. Expensive wine is okay, too, but the horns won't be as tender.

Queen Cleopatra called it a day on this day in 30 B.C. by letting a snake bite her. And studies have shown that most queens who mess with snakes are asking for it.
- But you couldn't blame Cleo. Caesar and Marc Antony had left her alone with four kids and no visible means of stopping the Roman army.
- When the snake killed her, Cleopatra was 39 years old. Nobody seems to know how old the snake was.

Love & Learn

Today's Scene: Cervical Cancer Prevention - HPV: A vital vaccine for young girls?

A Shot at Ending Cervical Cancer - Gardasil may be a promising HPV vaccine for millions of sufferers.

Pop Talk: Peppers Remain Red Hot - The Red Hot Chili Peppers have survived and thrived for 23 years.

John Mark and Michael

Big News

Denver's KUSA-TV says prosecutors won't charge John Mark Karr with JonBenet Ramsey's murder because of a DNA mismatch. Karr reportedly is considering an offer from the new Cold Case Cable Channel to confess to a murder each week until he's convicted of one.
- The Black Dahlia is the pilot confession expected Sweeps Week.
- Meanwhile, Carr will ask his doctor about Restless DNA Syndrome.

August 29th in Fun History:

Michael Jackson is 48 today. In other words, old enough to know better.
- These days Michael’s hobby is collecting not guilty verdicts. He plans to devote the next ten years to collecting not guilty verdicts. By then, he should be ready to open the world’s largest nose museum.

Anti-alcohol activist Carrie Nation took her hatchet to a New York saloon on this day in 1901. Carrie never told her husband when she went out to bust up a saloon. All she said was that she was going chopping.

Brigham Young, who had 27 wives, died on this day in 1877. It was the happiest day of his life. They say at the funeral he looked sooo relieved.

On this day in 1821 the Ku Klux Klan tarred and feathered 43 Texans. They used duck feathers, and they were condemned far and wide for inhumane duck plucking.

Love & Learn

Lifewire - What first-time parents need to know.

Opinion: Bad Words, Good Beat Are Duet for Trouble - The biggest problem with the current wave of sexually explicit music is it simply isn't very good.

A Greener View - Caribbean crazy ants driving U.S. homeowners nuts.

This week on TV:

It's a "Super Talk Special" as Oprah, Jenny, Montel, and Maury try to gang interview a mime with laryngitis.

Et al.

Doesn't it seem a little strange that an air conditioning bill can make you sweat?

Excess Acid and War

Big News

Hezbollah leader Sheik Hassan Nasrallah said in a TV interview Sunday he did not foresee such a war. President Bush said, "Tell me about it!"
- "There's a lot of that goin' around."

August 28th in Fun History

Actor David Soul turns 60 today. He was half of TV's "Starsky & Hutch." And if you actually remember which half, you might want to consider getting out more often.

On this date in 1609 Henry Hudson discovered Delaware Bay. Oddly enough, the natives had fished in it for centuries, but for some reason just never bothered to discover it.

The world's first oil well came in on this day in 1859. Edwin Drake struck oil in Titusville, Pennsylvania, after drilling only 69 feet. Then, naturally, he capped the well and waited for the price to go up.

On this day in 1933 Tito Falconi flew a single engine plane upside-down 250 miles from St. Louis to Joliet, Illinois. Falconi said flying upside-down made him really airsick. He thought he'd never stop throwing down.
- Flying upside-down is a neat trick. I wish pigeons could learn it.
- Actually, flying upside-down is easy. What's hard is landing upside-down.

Love & Learn

'Tween 12 and 20 - Just what is a hero? .. Reveal friend's secret to a responsible adult .. Nobody likes me, what should I do? .. Girls just mature faster than boys .. Date, but don't go steady .. Sanctity of marriage is tops .. Virgin should maintain her high morals .. Love cannot be defined .. Your room is your castle ...

Population Growth: Experts Say Impact on Environment Must Be Addressed - U.S. population has nearly doubled since 1950, and the count is expected to hit 300 million in October, 419 million by 2050.

Video Game Reviews - "Prey" and "Valkyrie Profile: Lenneth

Shallow Thoughts

Look on the bright side. When it finally does get cooler, we'll have to find something else to complain about.

I always like to go on a picnic when I feel like I'm not getting enough dirt in my diet.

Oh, you people are lucky. I called home, and I'm not there. So unless I'm tied up in traffic someplace, I must be here.

Excess acid on today's blog was neutralized by Calvinades, the exciting new antacid tablets designed by Calvin Klein.
- Calvinades may cost a little more per burp, but believe me, you'll be glad you did.