Friday, December 23, 2005

Yo, Ho Ho Ho!

Super Saturday

Saturday night is Silent Night, Holy Night in Austria, commemorating composition of the Christmas carol in 1818 near Oberndorf.

Love & Learn

The Real Christmas Gift - Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus and His death at age 33, making possible His real gift to everyone who will accept it.

Christmas Eve Thoughts

Remember, if the Energizer Bunny crosses your path on Christmas Eve, it means seven years of dead batteries.

This is it, folks, the most exciting and most nerve-wracking day of the year, depending on whether you are a child or a parent.
- If you're a child, the anticipation may seem more than you can stand. If you're a parent, you face the three scariest words in the English language: "Some Assembly Required."
- If you're neither a child nor a parent, may you not be lonely tonight. Loneliness on Christmas Eve is so unnecessary because the very Spirit of the night is available to everyone.

For all ages, waiting to fall asleep on Christmas Eve is one of the truly great moments in life.

Christmas Eve commemorates the day the most powerful force in the Universe, the God who created it, chose to appear on Earth as a human baby in a barn. Because He wanted to teach us about love and humility.
- What greater symbol of love than a baby?
- What greater humility than the Ruler of the Universe becoming helpless in a manger? On purpose.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Good Tidings and Great Fudge!

Big News

The good news is that New York transit workers are now going back to work. The bad news is, now everybody in New York has to go back to work too.
- Most New Yorkers were hoping the strike would last until after New Year's.
- At least now the nation can indulge in its favorite New Year's Eve pastime -- watching New Yorkers in Times Square shiver on TV.

The trial of Saddam Hussein adjourned Thursday until January 24, with officials declaring they saw no evidence Saddam was tortured. Of course, the world saw photos of Saddam in his underwear, but that only tortured the world.

House Judiciary Committee Chairman James Sensenbrenner threatened Thursday to block passage of legislation renewing the Patriot Act. President Bush could care less -- since he'll do whatever he wants anyway.
- For you Democrats, that's called "staying the course."

I'm happy to announce we have collected seven dollars for the George W. Bush Think Tank.
- That should be plenty.

Okay, okay, I know that's too many Bush jokes. But they're so easy!

Fabtabulous Friday

Friday is National Pfeffernuesse Day, a day to make those spicy cookies that are a Christmas tradition in Europe. Don't forget to add the Puderzucker.

Friday is Christmas Eve-Eve, your last chance before Christmas to have a nervous breakdown. On Christmas Eve you'll be too busy.

It's a great day to assemble anything that has to be assembled by Christmas morning. That way, you'll still have Saturday to find that very vital, totally unique plastic Malaysian screw that always rolls under something and completely vanishes.

On January 23rd in 1888 artist Vincent Van Gogh cut off his left ear and mailed it to a girlfriend he wanted to impress. But it didn’t work. She had no stomach for ears.
- If it had worked, attractive women would be up to their ears in ears.

Love & Learn

Was God Cold? - Did you ever wonder ... was Jesus cold in that stable in Bethlehem?

Thoughts While Humming "Little Drummer Boy"

You know you've got the true Christmas Spirit when you can imagine meeting Saddam Hussein under the mistletoe, without thinking, "Yuck!"

I dreamed I saw a child at the mall, climbing onto Jesus' lap. And the oddest thing happened -- the child didn't ask for anything.
- And the photo was free.

Merry Christmas, everybody! Good tidings and great fudge!
- And, hey, try not to eat yourself into a coma.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

We Wish You a Ratty Christmas!

Big News

Vice-President Dick Cheney cast the deciding vote Wednesday as the Senate cut Medicaid, Medicare, and student loans while spending billions on tax cuts for themselves and their friends. Congress is so out of touch. They want to spend money we don't have, and we want them to practice ethics they don't have.

New York City's in the middle of a transit strike. With no trains running, the rats can't get to the suburbs for Christmas. People all over Manhattan are wishing each other, "Ratty Christmas, everyone!"

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Santa Claus Clearance Day, the day the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration usually clears Santa Claus for his annual flight. The FAA says Santa’s sleigh is equipped with an in-flight de-icing system for polar routes, a Terrain Avoidance Warning System required for low-altitude flights, and a special seat belt extension for a rotund pilot.

On December 22nd in 1882 Thomas Edison created the first string of Christmas tree lights. Unfortunately, it was New Year's Eve before he got 'em untangled.

Giacomo Puccini was born on December 22nd in 1858. Puccini was a great composer. He also wrote some good songs.
- Puccini's greatest hit was "Madame Butterfly," which is still pretty big with Italians. Probably because they can understand the words.
- "Madame Butterfly" is a good song, but it's way too long and not a good beat for dancing, so I give it a 71.

Love & Learn

Banana Split Brownies - Your family and friends will absolutely do flips over these very special brownies.

News That Matters - More in-depth news analysis than you'll find on any other site, from opinion to blog critics.

Thoughts While Flossing

There used to be only three really bad channels on TV. Then I got cable.

Christmas shopping is like going to Las Vegas: bright lights ... big crowds ... and you come home with no money.

The belief that there really is a Santa Claus is the reason kids line up to sit on his lap -- and adults line up to buy lottery tickets.

Which sounds more like science fiction? Life on other planets -- or peace on this one?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Bah Humbug! And Have a Nice Day!

Big News

President Bush says he’s afraid the United States has an image problem in the Middle East. An image problem? We are mired in quag down to the quick.
- And though we're long on quag, we're short on quick.

eBay has canceled plans to allow live pets to be sold on its Web site after receiving thousands of angry letters from users. Apparently, it takes forever to download live chickens through an XP firewall from China.

His keeper warns a baby penguin thought to have been snatched from a London zoo as a quirky festive gift is unlikely to survive until Christmas Day. Hey, it's Christmas. Miracles happen. Maybe the scratching inside the package will encourage the quirky recipient to open the gift on Christmas Eve.

Us Weekly says Grammy nominee Gwen Stefani is pregnant with her first child. How wonderful! Being pregnant with the second child first would be a real bummer.

Wonderfun Wednesday

Wednesday is the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. Summer begins in the Southern Hemisphere. If you're not sure which hemisphere you're in, just stick something out the window and see if it freezes or sweats.
- Personally, I think everybody ought to have winter in the wintertime and summer in the summertime -- even if it means turning the world upside-down.

The Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock on December 21 in 1620. And since it was the first day of winter, they froze their buckles off.

Wednesday is National Humbug Day, the day to get all your "bah humbugs" out of the way so you and everybody around you can enjoy Christmas. So go ahead, be a totally miserable frustrated gripey wretched unbearable appalling discouraged pathetic old scroogie sourpuss. And have a nice day.

Love & Learn

What Children Want - Kids ages 8 to 14 identified qualities they wanted in parents. These young people, from 24 countries, agreed on ten traits they believed were important for all parents to possess.

Thoughts While Toasting My Socks

Ever wonder how you go about installing fog lights on a reindeer?

You can tell winter's here. Yesterday I saw a robin getting ready to head south. He had on a "Magic Kingdom" sweatshirt.

I love Christmas carolers. They're about the only entertainers left you can count on to keep their clothes on.

Mistletoe for today's blog is supplied by Marvelous Marvin's Mood Mistletoe, gathered by Malaysian monks from the mysterious mononucleosis tree and guaranteed to turn bright orange when Mr. Right attacks you under it.
- Available at participating Conoco stations.

Monday, December 19, 2005

A Gooberdoofus Named Don't

Big News

Tabloid prediction for 2006: Based on faulty intelligence, President Bush will try to divorce Laura to marry Jessica Simpson.- But Laura will stay the course and refuse to leave.

At Christmas, congressmen do their part to bring peace on Earth and goodwill toward men -- they adjourn.

Terriftastic Tuesday

Tuesday is I've Got My Big Fat Guy Pants On Day, a day to wear anything you want as long as it's comfortable and roomy.

Neil Fletcher Sr. died at age 84 on December 20th in 1988. He invented the Texas State Fair's famous "corny dog," a cornmeal-battered, deep-fried weenie-on-a-stick that's so good, it's amazing it's still legal.

The Louisiana Purchase occurred on December 20th in 1803. The U.S. bought a million square miles of the Louisiana Territory from France for $20-million. Oddly enough, after Christmas they tried to return it, but they'd lost the sales slip.

Richard Carlton was born in Minneapolis on December 20th in 1893. Richard gave us Scotch Tape, making it possible for even a total gooberdoofus to wrap Christmas presents.
- And I love stick-on bows. My wife always makes bows by curling ribbon with the scissors. I just know some day I'll open a present and find a finger in it.

Love & Learn

About Fitness and Wellness - The fact is, being fit and being well are totally different conditions. However, both are essential to maintaining your health.

Thoughs While Harking

Until I was ten years old I thought my name was Don't.

First, God created beautiful sunrises, but nobody got up to look at them. So he created babies, telephones, and garbage trucks.

Ornaments for today's blog were supplied by Christmas Carol, the one to see for all the latest in gay apparel.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Blue Suede Memories

Big News

President Bush is lashing back at Democrats who don't want to stay the course in Iraq. He's so fired up, you'd think they said Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

Democrats and Republicans called separately Sunday for congressional investigations into President Bush's decision to allow domestic eavesdropping without court approval. They didn't call together because they weren't sure which group is being bugged.

Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon was hospitalized Sunday after suffering a minor stroke. A "minor" stroke is one somebody else had.- A "major" stroke can end a politician's career because he can only speak out of one side of his mouth.

Time magazine has named Bill and Melinda Gates and rock star Bono its "Persons of the Year." They were named a week early because nobody has time to do anything outstanding during holidays.- Jesus would not have been Baby of the Year because he was born a week too late.

"King Kong" was less of a box-office brute than Hollywood expected, taking in just $50 million in its first weekend. Proving once again you never should expect too much from a big hairy ape who looks like he escaped from "Smackdown."

Marvtastic Monday

Carl Perkins recorded the classic "Blue Suede Shoes" 50 years ago Monday. It was a gigantic hit and the rockabilly revolution as unstoppable. It was the dawn of The Amplifier Age, and never again could chaperons waltz at the prom -- they just had to stand around and pop Excedrins.

Columbus discovered Puerto Rico on December 19 in 1493. That's where he learned to play baseball and chew tobacco and wear his hat backwards.- Queen Isabella thought he was so cool, she named her donkey after him.

On December 19 in 1927 George Scott and Frank Elliot became the only drivers ever to travel by car 4,100 miles across Canada without buying any gasoline. Took 'em 89 days. They talked 168 passing motorists into towing their car, which didn't even have a motor.- Honest. These guys could have sold ice to the Eskimos.- By mail.

Love & Learn

Tracking Your Children with GPS - Tracking devices can be set to monitor a specified area or zone. When the child leaves the zone the device automatically starts tracking. It can also alert you when the child leaves the zone.

Today's horoscope

Sagittarius: This is not your lucky day. Do not attempt to bulldog a reindeer.

Thoughts While Stalled in Traffic

I think I'm losing my mind. Every time I walk into a mall I hear bells.

I can't wait to go skiing. I wonder what I'll hit this year.

Remember, the biggest bull in the stock market may be the line your broker's trying to feed you.

Well, the leaves are gone, the birds are gone ... the flowers are gone.... Do you suppose they’re all smarter than we are?