Thursday, February 16, 2006

Love at the Office

Fabtastic Friday

The Calgary Winterfest is underway in Alberta. It's sort of a frozen Calgary Stampede. It gets pretty wild. The horses have to wear ice skates.

Kenneth Leader won the World Shouting Championship at Scarborough, England, on February 17th in 1973. When one person does the shouting, it's called a "singles" competition. When two people do the shouting, it's called "marriage."

The inventor of the mail-order catalog, Montgomery Ward, was born on February 17th in 1844. He'll always be remembered for giving millions of young men their first chance to see women in their underwear.
- Now, of course, we have "Desperate Housewives."

Football great Jim Brown is 70 on Friday. Jim still has all the moves, only now he actually makes them in slow motion.

Laugh, Love & Learn

Editorial Cartoons - Great laughs from some of the nation's top political cartoonists.

Office Romance: Dating Someone at Work - Should you date someone at the office? The long and short answer is pretty much the same.

Et al

I'm so depressed. Somebody broke the trigger off my Dick Cheney doll.

When women solicit money for immoral purposes, they get arrested. When men do, they get elected.

I love coffee. Early in the morning I wouldn't think of burning my tongue on anything else.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Hold Your Nose for Kraut Week!

Big News

Saddam Hussein says he's on a hunger strike. I can't stand to see anybody hungry, so I mailed him some frozen yogurt.

President Bush wants to shut down the food box program for the elderly. His aides are trying to spin the proposed cut positive. It’s part of his Trimmer Seniors initiative. (Alan Ray)

Instead of wasting taxpayers' money on a long Enron trial, why not just send Ken Lay hunting with Dick Cheney?
- Just don't give Lay a gun.

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is Stop and Smell Your Compost Pile Day, a time to snort away the winter blahs and think about spring.

Feminist Susan B. Anthony, whose picture is on a U.S. dollar coin, was born on February 15th in 1820. If women really wanted her to be remembered, they should have put her picture on something men see every day, like the Susan B. Anthony TV remote.

Traditionally, this is National Kraut Week, sponsored by the kraut makers in an effort to stir up a little excitement about kraut.
- Kraut is not one of America's favorite foods. Baskin Robbins has never featured Kraut Sherbet as its Flavor of the Week.
- It's still impossible to buy artificially flavored kraut Jell-O.
- Not one Mexican restaurant serves flat tortillas piled high with krautamole.
- There is no kraut Jelly Belly.
- In other words, gang, if National Kraut Week is to succeed, you're going to have to pitch in, hold your nose, and give it all you've got.

Laugh & Learn

Winter Olympics Humor - Fun-Liners drawn from the Winter Olympics.

Et al

And now another exciting tidbit in our enormously useless series entitled, "Whale Trivia:"
- The average life span of a non-smoking male whale is 502 years. The average life span of a male human is 74 years.
- When Shamu heard this he immediately started his International Save the People Society.

You realize, of course, with hip-hop the hot sound, to be really "in" you have to wear your underwear upside-down.
- And pierce something important that no man has ever dreamed of piercing before.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Love & Vegetables

Big News

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter during an outing in Texas this weekend. Democrats now think he should go hunting with Justice Antonin Scalia more often. (Jake Novak)

Cheney shot a guy while hunting quail. It's okay, though. It was an accident and a lawyer.
- Oh, and though it was not mentioned in the mainstream press, the quail were unarmed.

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day and National Have A Heart Day. One promotes romance, the other promotes eating your vegetables.

Valentine's Day is may be named for Bishop Valentine of the 3rd century, the patron saint of lovers. Or, it may be named for Verna Valentine, the wife of Edsel Valentine of the 4th century, who invented closing one's eyes while kissing.
- Which increased passion significantly by helping to eliminate lover laughter.

On this day in 1918 the first Tarzan movie, "Tarzan of the Apes," premiered. In this movie Tarzan sent Jane a valentine that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue; I want to kiss you, and Cheetah does too."
- What else could he do in the jungle? Send her a chocolate covered giraffe?

Valentine's Day is the one day of the year when boyfriends and husbands absolutely positively must be romantic. So, whatever you do, men, don't forget to fake it.

Laugh & Love

Valentine Fun-Liners - A nonsensical look at every lover's favorite day.

Today's mental health tip for people who own a pet seal.

You might want to consider getting rid of your Clapper.

Et al

Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.

If one more person tells me winter's aren't as cold as they used to be, I'm going to hit him with my heating bill.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Suck in Your Gut!

Big News

A major storm slammed the mid-Atlantic and Northeast states on Sunday with a near record 24 inches of snow on New York's Central Park. They knew it was bad when rats started calling 9-1-1.
- By late afternoon FEMA was sending in helicopters to rescue squirrels from the trees.

If I'd known it would be this cold I would have worn my hot water pantyhose.

Magvalous Monday

Monday is National Suck in Your Gut Day. And also Monday is Guys Don't Forget Tomorrow Is Valentine's Day Day.

The first state university in the U.S., the University of North Carolina, opened on February 13 in 1795. Just in time for spring break.

The "Prince Valiant" comic strip debuted on February 13 in 1937. In the comics a character who fights for truth and justice is a fictional hero; whereas in real life, a character who fights for truth and justice is a fictional hero.

Peter Tork is 62 on Monday. He was the least musical of the Monkees. The only way he kept his job was by picking the bugs off the backs of Mickey, Mike, and Davey.

The oldest public school in the U.S., Boston Latin School, was founded on February 13th in 1635. Discipline was easier in those days. You didn't have to worry about kids coming to school carrying a concealed musket.
- The food in the school cafeteria was terrible -- especially the creamed wild turkey on toast.
- But the buffaloburgers weren't half bad.

Love and Learn

Valentine Fun-Liners - A nonsensical look at every lover's favorite day.

Prom and Homecoming Dresses for the 2006 Season - Now is the time to start searching for prom and homecoming dresses. It's nice to allow yourself plenty of time, so you can relax and enjoy checking out all the gorgeous possibilities before you decide which one is going to be absolutely perfect.

Today's horoscope

Taurus: Today you will be unlucky in love and slush. Your galoshes will leak and you'll sneeze in your true love's ear.

Thoughts While Hungry

How can a person be expected to get to work on time when the doughnut shop is always on the other side of the street?

Okay, so has anybody ever seen a fast-food burger that looks as good as the ones in the TV commercials? Obviously, on TV they use professional superburger models.