Thursday, June 01, 2006

Four of Five Winos Know

Big News

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has agreed to send the California National Guard to the Mexican border, ending a 17-day standoff with the Bush administration. A Schwarzenegger spokesman says, however, this does not mean Dick Cheney gets the lead in Terminator 4.

June 2nd

On June 2nd in 1953 Queen Elizabeth the 2nd was crowned in Westminster Abbey. And we finally found the answer to what royal trivia buffs have been wondering ever since: The crown is dishwasher safe.

June is Fireworks Safety Month, the time to decide if you’d rather lose your fingers, your sight, or your hearing.
- And remember, though a cherry bomb might add flavor to your chocolate sundae, it may also blow out your taste buds, your tongue, and your tonsils.
- No doubt affecting the enjoyment of the rest of your sundae.

The Marquis de Sade was born in Paris on June 2nd in 1740. As a child, de Sade got his kicks by pulling the legs off spiders and his grandmother.
- He grew up to be a real pain.

The Great American Beer Festival is this week. It's a big celebration to show that American beer is just as good as imported beer. Which is now a proven fact supported by four out of five American winos.

Love & Learn

Inside People: Adoption - One child follows a broken road to happiness.

Jamie Cullum: Connecting with the Crowds - It's hard to imagine two music venues more different than the open-air Coachella festival in Indio, Calif., and New York's historic Oak Room at the Algonquin Hotel, but Jamie Cullum has won over audiences at both.

TV Closeup: Anthony Bourdain - Anthony Bourdain is author of the best-selling “Kitchen Confidential,” and a new book, “A Cook’s Tour."

Aging Lifestyles - Skin cancer sneaks up on old and young alike.

Shallow Thoughts

Joining a health club costs so much it can make you sick.

I tuned in the talk station. Everybody was griping. They should call it squawk radio.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Brigham & Clark: Two Super Men

Big News

Roger Clemens is coming out of retirement again, agreeing to a $22 million contract to pitch for the Houston Astros for the rest of 2006. This means Clemens will earn the average American annual wage every time he scratches himself.
- Actually, he's not doing it for the money. He needs the health insurance.

Joyous June

June is Dairy Month, a time to salute cows. But only dairy cows. If you walk up and salute a beef cow, people will think you're weird.
- Obviously, the dairy industry is bullish on cows.

June is Fight the Filthy Fly Month. One filthy fly is more dangerous than a clean hippopotamus. Which is probably why so seldom see anyone swatting a hippopotamus.

Both Brigham Young and Superman were born on June 1st: Young in Vermont in 1801, Superman in Action Comics in 1938. Brigham had 27 wives -- he was more of a super man than Superman.
- Brigham was a great religious leader, but with 27 wives he was best known as the guy with the tin cans tied to the rear of his donkey.
- Brigham was the first man to get a fleet discount on marriage licenses.

Superman was born on June 1st in 1938. So was Clark Kent. They were born in the first issue of Action Comics. But don't worry about them just because they're getting older. Since they're both Canadian, they have a good healthcare plan.

Love & Learn

Giving Peace a Chance - They have reasons to hate each other. Nader Elbanna, a Palestinian, lost his homeland, then his best friend to the Israelis. Miko Peled, an Israeli, lost his niece to a Palestinian suicide bomber in Jerusalem.

Unlikely Heroes on the Biggest Stages - This is a time of year, with the NBA and NHL playoffs in high gear, when role players and unlikely heroes can make pivotal contributions to championship efforts. So here is our list of 10 of the most unlikely heroes, athletes who have come from out of nowhere to make their marks in the world of sports.

The Alert Consumer - Homeowners feel the pinch of adjustable rate loans.

Et al.

I was planning to bring you the long-range weather forecast -- but my woolly worm got away.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Revenge of the Creature

Big News

Fifteen hundred U.S. troops in Kuwait and headed to Iraq. This is to replace the group that just went AWOL to DisneyWorld.
- "Hey, soldier, where you going with that Humvee?"
- "I'm going to DisneyWorld ... SIR!"
- We've seen this before. We keep sending in troops and pretty soon we'll have a war on our hands.

A new study says Canadians are healthier than Americans. But that was before the mad moose flu began to mutate.

May 31st in History

Actor Clint Eastwood was born on May 31st in 1930. In his new Dirty Harry movie, Dirty Harry has to come out of retirement to supplement his Social Security by blowing people away part time.
- He does okay because he gets a senior bullet discount through the NRAARP.

Clint hasn't changed much at all, except maybe when he's outdoors in the wind and what's left of his hair acts a little senile.

Clint's first movie was "Revenge of the Creature," followed by "Francis Joins the Navy." Then Universal fired Clint because his Adam's apple stuck out too far. That makes about as much sense as firing Superman because he had a run in his leotards.

The first wedding in an airplane was performed over Houston on May 31st in 1919. The bride was beautiful in her white gown, her white veil, her white parachute....
- The bridal bouquet was caught by a duck.

Love & Learn

To Be Equal - Making the move from good to great.

The Dark Side of Light - An increasing number of studies are linking nighttime light exposure to a greater risk of cancer, most notably among women who work at night.

Decor Score - Variety is always the spice of decorating.

TV Preview:

This week's CSI team is called to a wedding reception after the bride catches the groom fooling around with the maid of honor and drowns them both in the punch bowl.

Shallow Thoughts

One thing about a cat, if you treat him nice, he'll be your friend for .. seven or eight minutes.

With cable, you can see every TV series ever made -- and understand why they were canceled.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Please! No Bagpipes!

Big News
Angelina Jolie and new daughter Shiloh Nouvel are doing well in Namibia. It was a successful birth -- meaning they were able to keep the paparazzi out of the delivery room.
- Dad Brad Pitt reportedly is bored since mom did all the work. Angelina better keep a tight leash, or by Wednesday he'll be jumping up and down on Oprah's couch.

May 29 - Memorial Day
Memorial Day is when we honor our fallen heroes by saving 30, 40, up to 50% on as much as possible. Even more on political candidates.

Actor Tony Geary, who plays Luke on General Hospital, was born on May 29th in 1947. In his youth, Tony's trademark was his wild hair, which he couldn't do anything about. His hair was that way since 1968 when he was horseback riding during a thunderstorm -- and lightning struck his saddle horn.

Jimmy Bertrand's Washboard Wizards recorded "Little Bits" in Chicago on May 29th in 1926. There aren't any really great washboard musicians anymore, and it's sad. Can you imagine what Red Hot Chili Peppers could do with a 300-watt washboard?
- On second thought, maybe it's best.

Wisconsin became the 30th U.S. state on May 29th in 1848. Wisconsin has a population of 5 million humans and 4.5 million cows. So the humans are still in charge.

Love & Learn

It's All About Me - Author Jean Twenge finds a confident, materialistic, assertive, narcissistic group of young Americans.

Today's Lifestyle: Terrariums Growing in Popularity - Terrariums of desert succulents are popular as table-top displays.

TV Closeup: Miley Cyrus - Miley Cyrus, the daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, stars in the Disney television series, “Hannah Montana.”

Shallow Thoughts

Memorial Day is the day for military parades and beach openings. Soldiers in the parades bear arms and girls at the beaches bare everything else.

I've never won the award for Yard of the Month, but once I did win for Weed of the Week.