My Predictions for 2006

Big News

An international team has agreed to review Iraq's parliamentary elections, at the request of Iraq's Electoral Commission. With disputed elections already, looks like democracy is working in Iraq.
- We'll know for sure if the day after the new government is sworn in it votes itself a pay raise and adjourns for a vacation.

My Predictions for 2006:

- A right-wing Texas veterinarian will name his armadillo clinic after Tom DeLay.
- New Orleans will sell naming rights and announce the first annual Budweiser Mardi Gras.
- A husband and wife who are lobbyists will divorce and have a bitter fight over who gets custody of their congressman.
- TV Guide will run a cover photo showing Dr. Phil's head on Oprah's body.
- The school voucher idea will catch on as thousands of flea market entrepreneurs open Jiffy School franchises in their garages.
- Jessica Simpson will have two wardrobe malfunctions simultaneously at her divorce hearing. Her attorneys will cover them up.
- As cigarette prices continue to rise, we'll see shady characters on street corners selling three puffs for a dollar.
- Madonna will eat her bra live in concert, to become the first singer to wear her underwear inside her body.
- New census figures will reveal the U.S. is now the home of 27 million country and western singers, 28 million rappers, and 56 million karaoke Elvis impersonators.
- The Million Geezer March on Washington will make its point on Social Security when participants assault Congress with 10 million prunes.
- The American Society of Professional Chemists will vote Osama bin Laden as the person they'd most like to blow up.
- For the 7th consecutive year, Rush Limbaugh will win the National Rifle Association's annual Award for Shooting Off One's Mouth.
- The Minnesota Vikings will combine the NFL draft with a beer bust and use their first-round pick to choose Paris Hilton.
- 2006 will be remembered as an "off" year when nobody in either the sports or entertainment worlds is declared a "legend."
- The Nobel Prize for Fresh Eggs will go to a Texas A&M student who invents a tiny computerized device that can be implanted in a chicken to automatically stamps a freshness date on every egg she lays.

Fabulous Friday

On December 30 in 1809 the wearing of masks at balls was banned in Boston. Which explains why The Lone Ranger never boogied in Boston.
- And I always thought it was because Tonto hated the Red Sox.

Rock music pioneer Bo Diddley was born in McComb, Mississippi, on December 30 in 1928. If you asked which of the early rock stars had the greatest talent, obviously Diddley didn't. But, who has the greatest name? No doubt about it, Diddley do.

Rudyard Kipling was born on December 30 in 1865. He's the poet who wrote, "If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you," you must be either a pastor or a public school teacher.
- Kipling didn't write the last part, but these days he would.

Love & Learn

Mulch, Mulches, Mulching - All about mulch, compost, and all that other wonderful yucky stuff that good gardeners love

New Year Trivia Quiz - Here are some intesting facts about the new year.

Thoughts Before Dozing Off

New Year's Eve separates the adults from the kids. All those people in funny hats making fools of themselves -- they're the adults.

And all you party animals, don't forget to have a designated drunk driver. And the phone number of your bail bondsman sewed on your underwear.

The scariest thing on New Year's Eve is a drunk driver with a cell phone.

New Year's Eve is weird. All evening everybody eats and drinks until bad breath alarms are going off all over town.
- Then at midnight everybody kisses somebody.
- No wonder so many people pass out.

The problem with party animals is sooner or later they make a mess on your rug.

Happy New Year! May your 2006 be filled with learning, love, and laughter.

Oprah and the Bird

Big News

Iraq, illegal eavesdropping, the Enron trial.... What the Bush administration needs is a Secretary of Panic.

Thank goodness the condition of the nation always improves during the holidays. Congress is on vacation.

Kevin Federline, aspiring rapper and husband of Britney Spears, has unveiled his own Web site. Hey, anything to keep the guy out of the kitchen, right Brit?

Oprah Winfrey's private jet was forced to return to the city airport after its windshield was cracked in a collision with a bird. The bird's family interrupted its mourning long enough to chirp with an attorney.

The movie "King Kong" is tops at the box office. Reportedly, even Santa Claus stopped to see it -- making him two hours late getting back to the North Pole. Which he blamed on an airline for losing a bunch of his toys.

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday night is Take a Drive and Enjoy the Christmas Lights Night, for those who were too busy to do so before Christmas. To make it special, take an older person who no longer drives.

On December 28 in 1902 a trans-Pacific cable was completed linking Hawaii to the U.S. -- making it possible to simply pick up the phone at any hour and order Don Ho's Greatest Hit.

William Semple of Mount Vernon, Ohio, patented chewing gum on December 28 in 1869. Shortly afterward, a Canadian scientist announced that rats who chewed gum suffered from exhausted salivary glands -- and their intestines stuck together.

The world champion gum chewer is Ricky Mathison of Victoria, British Columbia. In the summer of 1977 Ricky chewed the same piece of bubble gum for 100 days, over three months. And guess what? His salivary glands were exhausted and his intestines were stuck together.
- By the way, the bubble gum that Ricky chewed can still be seen today in Victoria under a theater seat.

Rethinking Christmas

We had a great Christmas. Everything was wonderful. Next year, though, I don't think we'll stir-fry the turkey.

My favorite gift was the unbreakable underwear.

I figured it up. After we opened all the presents on Christmas morning, we had $78 worth of wrinkled wrapping paper.
- My wife felt so guilty, she packed it up and sent it to Ethiopia.

Learn from Children & Naked Germans

Big News

Shoppers headed to the nation's malls and stores to grab post-holiday bargains Monday as merchants slashed prices even deeper. After slashing prices 40 to 50 percent in early December, some retailers cut another 60 to 70 percent before Christmas and now another 40 to 50 percent after Christmas. What some shoppers can't understand is, if they're going to cut prices 170 percent, why not just make it an even 200 percent off?
- Folks, something weird us going on when stores cut prices 300 percent and still charge too much.

ABC bid farewell to Monday Night Football Monday night. Dandy Don and Hank Jr. were supposed to sing "The Party's Over," but neither one could stay awake.
- For his 35 years of service, sportscaster Keith Jackson was presented a gold Laz-Y-Boy recliner.

Thirty naked Germans jumped into a Berlin lake for good health on Christmas Day. Let's hope they have good health, since obviously their mental health is already shot.
- Can't you see Jesus looking down at these guys? "Hey, Dad, 30 German guys are celebrating my birthday by running around naked in a Santa Claus hat."
- And God says, "Tell 'em to go jump in the lake!"

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is Watch the Children Day, and learn again how to enjoy life.

Louis Pasteur was born on December 27 in 1822. Pasteur's hobby was microbes and germs and little things like that. He discovered bacteria and rabies and vaccinations and lots of other good stuff. In his spare time, by discovering how to keep food from spoiling, he also invented leftovers.

Guitarist Scotty Moore was born on December 27 in 1931. He played for both the younger skinnier Elvis and the older fatter Elvis. You might say he stuck with Elvis through thin and thick.

On December 27 in 1900 prohibitionist Carry Nation demolished a hotel bar in Kansas City while screaming "Peace on earth, goodwill to men!" Ironically, even though Carry was single and quite attractive, nobody offered to buy her a drink.
- Carry was a teetotaler, thank goodness. You can imagine what kind of damage she could have done with a couple of drinks under her girdle.

Love & Learn

Downsize, De-Clutter Your Life - There are times in life when you need to get rid of things. Things that clutter your life. Things that no longer have value to you and your family.

Thoughts While Plucking My Ears

Women go to after-Christmas sales to get their shopping done early for next year. Men go to get gifts for the people they forgot.

The after-Christmas miracle is when the Christmas lights fit back into the same box you got them out of.

The wonderful week between Christmas and New Year's is for returning gifts, watching football, and thinking up New Year's resolutions to break on January 2nd.

Longjohns for today's blog are provided by Fruit-of-the-Goose. That's right, blizzard fans, goose-down longjohns keep you twice as warm as the regular kind. And after a while you get used to the tickling.

Fed Fruitcake to Birds. Several Crashed!

Big News & Opinion

Santa brought President Bush a book entitled, How to Make the Right Decisions. But the President can't decide whether to read it or not.

The Christmas break is good for Congress. Everybody needs a few days to catch their breath and forget their campaign promises.

The Roman Empire had only a Senate. With both a House and Senate, we can decline and fall twice as fast.

Marvelous Monday

Monday is National Whiners' Day, a day dedicated to people who return Christmas gifts.

Kwanzaa, a week-long American black family observance, begins Monday. "Kwanzaa" means "first fruit" in Swahili.

Hanukah begins Monday, the 8-day Jewish Feast of Lights commemorating victory of the Maccabees over the Syrians in 165 B.C.

Monday is the Day of the Wren on the Dingle Peninsula, when masked revelers go from door to door asking for money. It's a little like Halloween, only more hygienic because money doesn't rot your teeth.
- It's easy to find the Dingle Peninsula. Just turn right at Dengle Bay.
- Dingle residents are called Dingle-lings.

Love & Learn

Kwanzaa: Celebrate, Meditate, Recommit - Kwanzaa is an African American celebration that started in California in 1966 and continues to grow each year. This year millions will participate.

Thoughts While Chewing a Pecan Log

Well, Christmas is over. That takes care of peace on earth for another year.

Next year I think I'll concentrate more on filling my heart with joy instead of my stomach with food.

The big question is, now that we have peace on earth and goodwill toward men, can Republicans and Democrats agree on anything?

Sometimes politicians get too smart for their own good. However, right now I can't think of a single one in office who's in any danger.

I always try to give the perfect gift. So I sent Osama bin Laden a fruitcake.