New Rats, Black Cats, & a Mummy

Big News

A new type of rat has been discovered on the island of Cypress. Scientists couldn't believe it. They discovered the rat sending sexy emails to young mice.

A Michigan woman has been trying to sell a mummy on eBay. Unfortunately, Halloween mummy sales are a little slow, giving police time to stop the sale.
- It might have sold much faster if she'd waited a month and called it a Christmas mummy.

Madonna and her husband adopted a motherless 1-year-old boy in Malawi on Thursday. The couple made the trip after efforts fizzled to adopt a mummy on eBay.

October 13th Now & Then

Today is Friday the 13th, unluckiest day of the year. So remember:
* Chew on a rabbit’s foot, but don’t swallow the juice.
* Don’t sneeze in a bull’s face, especially if your nose is red.
* If your black cat falls butter side down, don’t microwave it.
* If you accidentally kill a frog while counting the cars in a funeral procession, you must immediately undress clockwise.
* Never ever wear a lavender sheet to a Ku Klux Klan rally.
* Carrying a rattlesnake in a diaper pail full of warm water doesn’t always work.

Friday the 13th Fun-Liners

Can you believe it, Marie Osmond is 47 years old today. I can remember when Marie was a little bit country. Now, she's a little bit wrinkled.
- Hey, they're the cutest wrinkles you'll ever see.
- I'm glad Marie finally cut her hair. For a while there it looked like she wanted to be a fluffy Crystal Gayle.

The U.S. Navy was established on this date in 1775. And not a minute too soon. The Army was about to try and wade across the Atlantic.

Love & Learn

Inside People: Work Work Work - Working two jobs is as American as apple pie.

TV Closeup - Ted Danson plays psychotherapist Dr. Bill Hoffman in the new TV comedy "Help Me Help You."

Pop Talk - Paul Simon's life a balancing act between the old and the new. See the tribute to Paul.
Now, today's serious philosophical observation:

The trouble with the rat race today is, even if you win it, the cheese is low-fat.

Shallow Thoughts

You know it's autumn when Wal-Mart covers the Weed Eaters with Christmas tinsel.

Why is it that car alarms bother everybody except thieves?

Disgusting Politicians and Gumbo

Big News

President Bush said Wednesday he will not attack North Korea. Fox News blamed Bill Clinton.

President Bush on Wednesday called ex-congressman Mark Foley's approaches to House male pages "disgusting." And hinted he'd heard on Fox News it was all Bill Clinton's fault

October 12th Now & Then

Susan Anton is 56 today. One of Hollywood's tallest female stars, Susan is more than just an actress. She's also a great singer, dancer, and shot blocker.

Today is actually the date Columbus discovered America in 1492, but he didn't know it was America -- probably because when he landed on the beach he didn't get hit by a frisbee.

The annual Fireant Festival is this weekend in Marshall, Texas, featuring a big fireant roundup and a chili cook-off. That’s how Texans get rid of fireants — they feed ‘em their chili.

The annual Gumbo Festival is this week in Bridge City, Louisiana. Gumbo is a soup-like delicacy made from okra, crawfish, shrimp, and anything else that happens to be laying around the bayou.
- The Cajuns say gumbo really sticks to your craw. Most creatures have stomachs. Chickens, turkeys, and Cajuns have craws.

Love & Learn

I Will Not Be Afraid - Strengthening thoughts for difficult times from Ellis Govan.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews of The Departed (See the trailer), The Guardian, Schools for Scoundrels, Flyboys, The Last Kiss, Haven, Everyone's Hero, and other recent films.

Autoword - RDX is R-E-A-D-Y: Acura puts plenty of tech treatments into new crossover style.

Parent Care - Seniors show their power at the polls.

Shallow Thoughts

It's really dangerous riding a roller coaster in Florida. With so many seniors down there, dentures are flying everywhere!

Sometimes I get excited just thinking about my recliner.

Autumn is here, and leaves are falling faster than Republican poll numbers.

Kids go to the fair and ride the rides until they throw up. Adults go to the fair and eat until they throw up. Proving that fairs just keep giving pleasure.

Time to Pet Your Peeve

Big News

The United States proposed stringent U.N. sanctions Monday against North Korea after it performed a nuclear test. America's UN ambassador John Bolton was so upset, he almost swallowed his moustache.

Google snapped up YouTube on Monday for $1.65 billion. Since Monday was a bank holiday, every ATM in California is now empty.

October 10th Now & Thenth

This is National School Lunch Week, a fun time when parents are invited to have lunch with their children in the school cafeteria and see if they can guess what they’re eating.
- And who knows, if you enjoy it, maybe your kids will start eating there.

This is National Pet Peeve Week, a time to let others know what really bugs you. So here's my list. I cannot stand:
- Beer companies that urge drunks to know when to say when. Expecting a drunk to be that smart is like expecting a politician to be humble.
- So-called authentic personal psychic friends who charge more per minute by phone than psychiatrists do in person.
- Post office machines that won't give you a penny when you buy a 39-cent stamp. I now have 183 one-cent stamps stuck to the inside of my wallet.
- Any store that's already decorated for Christmas. I just hate jack-o-lanterns that go "Ho-ho-ho."

On this day in 1886 Griswold Lorillard made history at a New York dance by becoming the first man ever to wear a dinner jacket in public. Well, the fashion world was just stunned!
- They probably thought he should have also worn pants.

Love & Learn

Today's Health Scene - Pinch the salt if you want to avoid high blood pressure.

Home Zone - Meyda Tiffany debuts two new Halloween stained-glass treats.

In Fashion: Parade of Masquerades - It's Halloween and time for festive fun when tricksters of all ages treat themselves to a little bit of fashion fantasy.

Shallow Thoughts

On Monday men all over America celebrated Columbus Day by getting lost.

The new TV shows are sort of a cornucopia of entertainment. However, there does seem to be more corn than ucopia.

Football doesn't make sense. The cheerleaders do backflips, headstands, and pyramids, but it's the players who have to take drug tests.

Nucular Stuff and Thanksgiving

Big News

Japan and China agreed Sunday that a North Korea nuclear test "cannot be tolerated." Sounds like everybody wants North Korea to have only untested nuclear weapons.
- Or for a price, of course, the U.S. could test the nukes for them.
- We've had a lot more experience with nuclear stuff.
- And we've only lost two or three.

Republican congressmen on Sunday were trying to defend Speaker Dennis Hastert. They don't want him to resign. After all, they may never have another Pillsbury Dough Speaker.

October 9th Now & Then

This is Fire Prevention Week -- so don’t forget to change the battery in your firefighter.

Fire Prevention Week Fun-Liners

Today is Columbus Day, marking that confused day in 1492 when an Italian flying the Spanish flag looking for China off the coast of Cuba discovered America.
- Columbus was the world's first slapstick explorer.

Columbus Day Fun-Liners

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada. First, Canadians will count their blessings; and then, as required by law, they'll send 40% of their blessings to Ottawa.

Love & Learn

Today's Scene: Expressions of Love - Adoption can offer a child immeasurable hope.

'Tween 12 and 20 - Smoking marijuana adversely affects unborn babies .. Floating gull crashes back to earth .. Smoking is a personal choice, but not a good one .. Take time to appreciate your elders .. Promises made should be kept .. Without protection, pregnancy is highly likely .. Tips for finding effective drug abuse programs .. Feel blessed your abuser is out of your life ..

Video Game Reviews - "Lego Star Wars" sequel lets you create characters, and "Star Fox Command" is a worthy successor.

Shallow Thoughts

Old age is God's way of telling us our warranty is running out.

I love the sounds of autumn: crunching leaves .. babbling brooks .. whimpering school bus drivers...

More money is bet on the baseball playoffs than on the congressional election. People care who wins the baseball playoffs.