Okay, 1 - 2 - 3 ..... Bask!

Big News

The average income of American families declined by 2.3 percent in 2004 but their net worth rose. Does that make sense? Is that like saying Joe Sixpack died, but he's better off?
- Is the main objective of government reports to confuse us or is that just me?

Vice President Cheney is contending he has the power to declassify government secrets. The only thing he won't talk about are certain weapons, like a 28 gauge shotgun. (Jim Barach)

A homeless man who police say tried to take a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo has been arrested on numerous charges. Like hijacking a truck full of mint jelly.
- They need other charges because the sheep refuses to testify.
- Four out of five sheep say courts are baaaaaad!

Fabulous Friday

Friday is Basking Day, a day to get outdoors and bask. In inclement weather, bask indoors.

The Yukon Sourdough Rendezvous is underway in Whitehorse. That's the one with the big Hairy Legs Contest. Which may not sound all that exciting to you, but then, your brain may not be frozen.

U.S. Steel was founded on February 24th in 1901 when J.P. Morgan bought the Andrew Carnegie Steel Company for $250-million. The regular price was $278-million, but Morgan had a coupon for 10% off.

On February 24th in 1992, on the air, TV talk show host Geraldo Rivera had fat cells from his hip transplanted into his forehead, proving to all who watched that he was, indeed, a fat head.

Love & Learn

Manage Your Time Better - Ten time management tips offered by the experts.

Et al.

What this country really needs is a National Mental Health Plan for politicians.

It's true. No two frostbitten ears are exactly alike.

At home I like to put on one of my dad's old Joan Baez records once in a while just to see the hair stand up on the cat's back.

Octopus Armpits?

Big News

The good news is eight workers at a Nebraska meatpacking plant on Wednesday claimed the biggest lottery jackpot in U.S. history — $365 million. The bad news is they still can't afford health care.

Osama bin Laden says the U.S. won’t take him alive. He is reportedly hiding out where no U.S. government agency has been able to get to. New Orleans. (Alan Ray)

Thrilling Thursday

On February 23rd in 1985 Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight threw a metal folding chair across the court during a game. He was so ashamed, to punish himself he's still wearing the same sweater.

On February 23rd in 1505 Christopher Columbus was granted a license to ride a mule in Spain. First, of course, he had to complete a course in mule education for his beginner's license, so he could ride a mule when accompanied by a licensed mule rider. Until he passed his mule test.
- Then he could solo and go cruisin' any time he wanted.
- Ever try to parallel park a mule?

The annual Cowtown Marathon is this weekend at the stockyards in Fort Worth. Thousands of sweaty Texans will run the stockyard course, amid thousands of cows, goats, sheep, and pigs. Even those who don't attend can face Fort Worth and experience the aroma.
- As the runners huff and puff and sweat through the stockyards, it's truly a unique sight -- to see a goat holding its nose.

Love & Laugh

Nest Heads - A great new daily comic strip by John Allen.

Dumb Thought of the Day

Be thankful you're not an octopus. Think how much you'd spend on deodorant with eight armpits.
- Or is it seven armpits?
- I was never that good at underwater anatomy.

Et al.

I believe the health care system should be reformed and that the doctors should only collect if they cure the patients.

In the words of my favorite politician, I know you believe you understood what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize what you heard is not what I meant.

Little Known Popcorn History

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is Inconvenience Yourself Day, a day to make life easier or better for others (inconvenienceyourself.com).

George Washington was born on February 22nd in 1732. His parents moved his birthday to Monday so they could have a long weekend.

So Wednesday is George Washington's real birthday. With two birthdays, George was the first born-again president.

Native Americans served the Pilgrims their first popcorn on February 22nd in 1630. Followed by another first for America -- interracial teeth-picking.

The first Thanksgiving was observed on February 22nd in 1630. Or maybe it was 1621. Hey, it was a long time ago, okay?
- Unfortunately, the Indians brought popcorn and everybody ran when it started popping. Chief Quadopuina apologized — said he didn't know the corn was loaded.
- The popcorn was a gift from Chief Orville Poppinbacher, a little old Indian medicine man who always wore gray feathers and a bow tie.

On February 22nd in 1879 F.W. Woolworth opened the first five-and-ten-cent store. Today the five-and-ten-cent store is more commonly referred to as a gumball machine.

Love & Learn

Strengthen Body with Pain-Free Posture - Because it's the basis of movement patterns, posture can be the first symptom of physical stress, dysfunction and pain.

Today's travel tip.

When in Miami, never eat at a place called "El Diablo de Hote!" Unless, of course, you have a Styrofoam tongue.

Et al.
I have an idea. How about if we invade Iraq again, but this time with a crack commando team of former Enron executives?

You know the truck stop is trying to attract the "heart smart" crowd when they switch to "I Can't Believe It's Not Lard."

Exciting Russsian History

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is Single Tasking Day, a day to do only one thing at a time without feeling guilty (sponsored by Thesesa Gabriel of Columbus, Nebraska).

On February 21st in 1866 Lucy Hobbs became the first woman to graduate from a dental school. It was tough back then for women dentists. Just getting accepted into a dental school was like pulling teeth.

The first telephone directory was published on in 1878 in New Haven. It contained 50 names, all listed alphabetically, except the Zs -- they were at the end.
- Of the 50 numbers, 25 had already been changed or disconnected.

Mike Romanoff, the first of a whole bunch of Romanoffs, became Czar of Russia on February 21st in 1613. Mike was terrible, almost as terrible as Ivan the Terrible. Ivan killed everybody, but Mike was more humane. He just took away all the food and let everybody die of natural causes.

Today's exciting Russian history trivia question:

Was there ever a great leader in Russia?
- Yes, Russia had one great leader: Catherine the Great. Catherine loved everybody, especially the men. Catherine was so lovable she could have starred on "Desperate Housewives."
- But Catherine was not called Catherine the Great because she was a great lover or a great leader. She was called the Great because she was fat. Really fat. When Catherine stood in Red Square there wasn't room for a parade.
- Even when Catherine was born she was fat. She had to be delivered by Cesarean forklift.

Love & Learn

How to Keep That Roof Ship-Shape - These simple tips can help make your roof last longer.

Et al.

It was never this cold in the good old days -- before they invented the wind chill factor.

Actually this is pretty nice weather for a blog this size.

Honoring George, Abe ... Millard...

Top News

Government offices are closed Monday for President’s Day. No one will be working. Signs will be posted so that the public can tell the difference. (Alan Ray)

Except for calls to overhaul FEMA, not much is expected to happen in Washington this week. Unless, of course, Dick Cheney decides to shoot his mouth off to Fox News again.

Marvelous Monday

Monday is Presidents Day in the U.S., a day to honor all former presidents, even Millard Fillmore. We do not honor George W. Bush today simply because no president should be honored while he can still do damage.

Presidents Day js the official birthday of George Washington, the father of our country & western. Appropriate things to do:
- Get your wig powdered.
- Varnish your teeth.
- Try to hum "Yankee Doodle Dandy" while chugging a cherry Slurpee.
- March to Valley Forge and overthrow an insurance company.
- Try to go all day without telling a lie.

Presidents Day is supposed to honor all former presidents, but Democrats don't want to honor Republican presidents and Republicans don't want to honor Democrat presidents so, instead, everybody just goes shopping.

Charles Barkley is 39 on Monday. Now that he's retired, Charles is finally maturing and doesn't spit on fans anymore. Which is nice. Because it was really inconvenient to take an umbrella to a basketball game.
- Actually, Charles stopped spitting on fans when he moved to Houston. He knew Houston fans would take him down to the Ship Channel and wash his mouth out with pollution.

Love & Learn

EUREKA! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone.

Flower, Veggie of the Year - Each year the National Garden Bureau picks two plants as flower and vegetable of the year.

A reader writes:

"What should you do when it's freezing outside and your pilot light goes out?"
- Well, as quickly as possible I think I'd set her down at the nearest airport.

Et al.

I played basketball in high school. In fact, my senior year they retired my sweatsocks.

My inner space needs vacuuming.

I have to admit I'm doing much better on my diet since my wife put "The Club" on the refrigerator door.

Remember what they say about winter: "You'll never enjoy the sweet smell of spring -- until the hairs in your nose thaw."