Happy Ground Frog's Day!

Big News

Super Bowl Sunday is when people who know something about football analyze the game, and people who know nothing about it bet on the game.

I predict Pittsburgh will win the Super Bowl. I also predicted Harriet Miers would be the next Supreme Court justice.

A 100-pound woman ate 26 grilled cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes at a New York restaurant, winning the World Grilled Cheese Eating Championship. They didn't say what she had for dessert.
- Probably Chocolate Chip Ex-Lax cookies.

Fantabulous Friday

Friday is "The Day the Music Died," marked by Don McLean in his classic song, "American Pie." On February 3, 1959, singers Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and J.P. "Big Bopper" Richardson died in a plane crash near Clear Lake, Iowa.
- That was back when rock singers had short hair and wore horned-rim glasses. So they couldn't have had much talent.
- Fifties rockers were so bad, they didn't even have rips in the knees of their jeans.

Winter is half over on Friday. It's a big day back home -- everybody changes their longjohns.

In Japan Friday is Setsubun, a day to chase away devils by throwing beans at them. So what else would you throw at devils -- turnips?
- Maybe if they're fat devils, Ultra Slim-Fast.

Friday is Ground Frog's Day, sponsored by WIVK Radio in Knoxville, Tennessee. If somebody sponsors Ground Dog's Day, the SPCA may start confiscating grinders.

Love & Learn

Childhood Asthma Relief - Here are three steps parents can take to help keep a child with asthma healthy.

Thoughts While Shaving

I'm a little depressed today. Last night somebody stole my Jerry Springer garbage can lid.

Stalking Phil & Willie!

Big News

Saddam Hussein boycotted his own trial Wednesday and refused to attend. At the Enron trial in Houston, Ken Lay was trying to hire Saddam's lawyers.
- "For a million shares of Enron stock, tell me, 'How'd he do that?'"

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Groundhog Day. Legend says, if the groundhog comes out today and sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. The most famous U.S. groundhog is Punxutawney Phil of Pennsylvania (groundhog.org/history/tradition.shtml).
• Canada’s official winter weather watcher is Wiarton Willie, an albino groundhog in Wiarton, Ontario, where the Willie Festival begins today. Hit songs include "Silly Willie" and "Don’t Touch My Willie."
• Thursday is also Hedgehog Day, the ancient Roman tradition that inspired Groundhog Day in the U.S.

Thursday is Groundhog Day, always on Farrah Fawcett’s birthday. If the goundhog sees Farrah Fawcett’s shadow, he’ll pose nude for Woodchuck Weekly.

Groundhogs never drink water. That's how they can sleep all winter without having to potty.
- Groundhogs wouldn't even get up in the spring if they didn't have a date.
- Groundhogs always have a date in the spring. So if you don't have a date in the spring, you know you're not a groundhog.

If you've never seen a groundhog, just try to imagine Marv Albert's hairpiece with four legs.

Love & Learn

Adware, Spyware, Malware: Free Ways to Fight Computer Demons - Here are ways to remove or simply avoid these computer demons without spending a dime on the latest "anti-virus" software.

Thoughts While Stalking the Groundhog

Groundhog Day. Why do we name a day after a big, fat ugly rodent with nothing to say when we could name it after Rush Limbaugh?

On Groundhog Day, the groundhog comes out of his hole to check the weather. Not to be confused with Hound Dog Day -- when Elvis returns to Capistrano.

If they don't leave Punxsutawney Phil alone, one of these years he's going to bite somebody -- and then we'll have an epidemic of Mad Groundhog's Disease

Dr. Truman Martin Was the First!

Big News

Sorry, but I dozed off and missed the State of the Union. I have a feeling others did, too. Maybe we could ask President Bush to do it over -- if you think Al Gore would run again.

Did you see the new Supreme Court? Does anybody know what Ruth Bader Ginsburg was grinning about?

"Brokeback Mountain" got eight Oscar nominations on Tuesday. Personally, I think the horses also should have been nominated for their supporting roles.
- Let's face it, they carried that cast.

Wondiferous Wednesday

Wednesday is Bubble Gum Day. Children at many schools will donate 50 cents or more to a school charity to be allowed to chew bubble gum at school today.

February is American Heart Month, so be sure to eat your oat bran. Or is that for your colon? Sometimes I get my body parts confused.
- I wonder when American Colon Month is.

Lisa Marie Presley is 38 on Wednesday. Let's hope she takes after mom. Otherwise, in a few more years she may outgrow her jumpsuits.

On February 1st in 1898 Dr. Truman Martin of Buffalo bought the first auto insurance policy from Travelers Insurance Company. A week later his new car was side-swiped by a hit-and-run horse with Vermont license plates.
- Since the horse was never caught, nobody knew if it had liability.
- Auto insurance is written under a basic principle: if you have an accident, your premiums go up; if you don't have an accident, your premiums go up.

Love & Learn

A Closer Family - Being part of a healthy, loving family is one of the best gifts we can give our children, and creating it is much easier than most people think. Three easy steps are all it takes to get started.

Today's dental information

Your wisdom teeth are in the back of your mouth and they're hard to knock out, as opposed to the teeth in the front that are easily knocked out -- your hockey teeth.

Thoughts While Flossing

In the contact sport of marriage, you can be penalized for non-clipping -- if you prematurely throw out the coupon section.

This is the time of year for the Grammy Awards and the Mardi Gras. This annual event features weird people in goofy clothes -- and we see the same thing at the Mardi Gras.

Dead Horse Worship & the New South

Big News

During the President's State of the Union address an interpreter will use hand gestures to translate his remarks for the hearing impaired. And after the speech, Senator Kennedy will express his opinion of it using hand gestures.
- For the thinking impaired.

Exxon Mobil posted record profits for any U.S. company on Monday -- $10.7 billion for the fourth quarter and $36.1 billion for the year. Wonderful. Now, maybe they can afford air fresheners for the restrooms.

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday night is Play An Old Game You Haven’t Played in Years Night. Maybe Yahztee, Scrabble, Monopoly, or Canasta. Hungry Hippo?

This is Super Bowl Week, the most important week of the year for pro football fans and their bookies.
- The real fans will get in line in front of the TV Saturday night and camp out.
- You'll know they're real fans because they'll converse in a strange football language called statistics, while the rest of us try desperately to remember who won last year's game.

Author Zane Grey was born in Zanesville, Ohio, on January 31st 1872. Zane wrote about real cowboys ... cowboys that didn't waste their time riding mechanical bulls. They were too busy drinkin' and fightin' and fallin' in the horse trough.

General Robert E. Lee became commander-in-chief of the Confederate Armies on January 31st in 1865. Some important things to remember about Robert E. Lee:
• He had white whiskers. Even in a gray uniform he looked like a good guy.
• During the Civil War he lost his right arm, whose name was Stonewall Jackson. Years later, Lee's right arm was found singing at the Grand Ole Opry.
• Lee's horse was named Traveller. When you visit Washington & Lee University you'll notice Traveller's skeleton in the chapel. It's one of the few places left where people can freely worship a dead horse.

Love & Learn

Quinceañera - The centuries-old tradition Latina girls dream about.

Thoughts While Searching the Dead Sea Scrolls

Biblical archaeologists make me uneasy. I'm afraid they'll dig up more commandments.

One thing bothers me about heaven. If it's such a beautiful place, how come my deceased relatives never sent me a picture postcard?- Either they didn't go--or in heaven there's no postal service.- I can believe that.

Headaches on today's blog were relieved by Sufferin, the super extra mega wow-strength high-potency aspirin. Just look for the orange lead-lined box.- Remember, four out of five doctors recommend Sufferin -- right after we promised them condos on Barbados.

Be Sane with Bubble Wrap!

Big News

Saddam Hussein's trial turned chaotic Sunday, with one defendant dragged out of court and the defense team walking out in protest. Then Saddam shouted, "Down with America!" Whatever happens at Saddam's trial, Ringling Brothers wants to take it on the road.
- I can't wait for the movie -- with Robin Williams as Saddam and Rush Limbaugh as America.

Magnifilous Monday

Monday is National Flirt A Little Bit Day and Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day. Go ahead, flirt and snap away.

The first radio episode of "The Lone Ranger" was broadcast live in Detroit on January 30th in 1933. The first sounds were so exciting: a fiery horse with the speed of light, a cloud of dust, and the thundering hoofbeats of the great horse Silver! Then, there was a long pause while they straightened up the studio.

Yes, The Lone Ranger was born in Detroit on January 30th in 1933. The birth was broadcast live on radio.
- He was born in a hospital like everyone else. The doctor wore a mask. The nurse wore a mask. Who could blame the kid -- he wouldn't stop crying 'till they gave him a mask!
- His mother was in lalaland. She saw the mask and thought she'd had a raccoon.
- It was exciting. His dad was there, Silver was there. A symphony orchestra was there playing "The William Tell Overture."
- Everybody was there except Tonto. Just in case there was trouble at the hospital, they told Tonto to wait in a clearing outside of town and boil some water.

Today's exciting Lone Ranger trivia question:
- In all their years of bringing law and order to the Old West, did the Lone Ranger or Tonto every kill anyone?
- No, absolutely not. The Lone Ranger and Tonto always shot the gun out of the bad guy's hand. Tonto, of course, also carried a knife and, reportedly, had the world's largest collection of trigger fingers.

Love & Learn

100 Ways to Connect with Your Teen - Great ideas for parents from a Texas family therapist who specializes in teens.

Jeff Foxworth Rib-Splitters - For anyone who loves the South or the West or wherever regular folks live.

Grow a Church With the Power of Words - This article looks at "word of mouth" marketing as a way to grow a church.

Thoughts While Forgetting to Take Out the Trash

Ever wonder how many wives this week will deliver their annual state-of-the-marrige address?

Kids are like the weather. You can predict their behavior but you can't control it.

Now be honest. Who would be alarmed if you saw a herd of woolly bear caterpillars wiggling south?

Coughing on today's blog was arranged by the American tobacco industry. Send for their free pamphlet entitled, "How Two Packs a Day Can Help You Develop a More Interesting Cat Scan."