Personal Hygiene Bombs

Big News

The British on Thursday thwarted a terrorist plan to blow up 10 jet planes with personal hygiene bombs. To understand how big this is you must realize in one day America spent more to throw away mouthwash and shaving cream than Israel has spent trying to wipe out Lebanon.
- This is a personal trash contract so big only Halliburton can handle it.

Scientists have discovered molecular janitors that clear away a sticky gunk blamed for Alzheimer's disease - until they get old and quit sweeping up. The FDA is rushing to approve a new medicine to take over for the molecular janitors -- called "Gunk-Out."
- Available soon at a pharmacy or Kwik Kar near you.

August 11th

On August 11th in 1951 the first baseball game was telecast in color. Pro athletes are usually as impressive in black and white -- except maybe for those with tattoos.

August 11th in 1972 was "Cheech & Chong Day" in San Antonio. Most celebrities get a key to the city. Cheech & Chong were given a huge credit card to jimmy the lock.

August 11th is the last "Dog" Day of summer, which means the worst is over. Which means you'll be perspiring a little less each day, and within a month you'll smell like only a small moose.
- The last "Dog Day" means the "five pint" season is behind us. During Dog Days the average adult produces five pints of perspiration per day. But within the next month, we'll gradually drop to a pint and a half. This vital information comes from the government's perspiration experts, who hopefully are in Washington right now sweating out next year's research grant.

Hulk Hogan is 53 August 11th. In their 50s, wrestlers have to start slowing down. It’s a physical thing sometimes referred to as "softening of the steroids."

Love & Learn

Aging Lifestyles - All the lonely people -- they come from America.

Financial Update - Battle over wireless technology is creating bitter rivals.

TV Closeup: Laura Innes - Laura Innes plays Dr. Kerry Weaver in the medical drama “ER.”

Inside People - Not all stalls are created equal.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, Barnyard: The Original Party Animals, Scoop, The Ant Bully, Lady in the Water, You, Me and Dupree, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, The Devil Wears Prada, Superman Returns, Waist Deep, Click, The Lake House, Nacho Libre.

Today's Soap Opera Update:

On "One Wife to Give," after a passion-filled night, Simone tells Josh she's only interested in his Barry White collection.

Iran Clones Suicide Sheep

Big News

Iran's first cloned lamb died Wednesday just minutes after it was born. Doctors say it wasn't their fault and blamed the goat that stepped in the Petri dish.

Microsoft on Wednesday released 12 security fixes for its Windows operating system and business software. With luck, Windows will be completely secure before Bill and Melinda give all the company's money away.

August 10th

Chicago became a city on August 10th in 1833. Chicago is "The Windy City." How windy is it? It's the only city where they sell Elmer's Hairspray.

Rin Tin Tin died on August 10th in 1932 -- the original Rin Tin Tin. If Rinty knew how television later used fake Rin Tin Tins, he'd probably roll over in his grave and play dead.
- Rinty died at age 14. That's 98 in dog years. And 114 in movie star years.
- Rinty never married, probably because he was such an animal.

On August 10th in 1985 Michael Jackson bought the rights to all the Beatles' music for $47.5 million. It was all a big misunderstanding. Michael thought the package included John Lennon's nose.

The sausage king, Jimmy Dean, was born near Plainview, Texas, on August 10th in 1928. Jimmy always loved pigs. When he was young, he'd hang around the trough and sing to the pigs. Their favorite song was "There Is Nothing Like a Pig," from the hit musical "Porky & Bess."

Love & Learn

Facing Parenthood ... with HIV - Two-year-old Grace McKittrick knows how to play the drums with her hands and paint pictures with her fingers. What she doesn't know, not yet anyway, is that her dad is HIV positive.

Opinion: Bias Is in the Eye of the Beholder - One thing you learn quick and early in this business: You can't win. Nowadays, whatever you publish or broadcast, somebody's going to have a problem with it.

Lifewire - Can't take the heat? It's a good time to remind ourselves of some steps that can be taken to avoid heat-related illness and death.

Editorial: Diet Supplements - Put FDA spotlight on diet supplements.

How to Get Children Out of the House Tip #2:

Send them on a nature hike in the back yard. If you live in an apartment, send them on a roach safari in the laundry.

Noodles for today's blog were frozen by Chef Boy-Oh-Boy, the official frozen noodles of the National Association of TV Talk Show Hosts and Street Trash.
- And remember, with every Chef Boy-Oh-Boy frozen noodle you get a coupon good for a free college education at Jerry Springer University, the drive-through university opening soon in your favorite vacant building.

Singaporese Confused?

Big News

The Federal Reserve on Tuesday left a key interest rate unchanged. The nation's CEOs were so happy they promised to stop embezzling from their companies for a whole week.

Wednesday, August 9th

Singer Whitney Houston is 43 on Wednesday. As a birthday present, Bobby Brown will stay away from her.

Wednesday is Independence Day in Singapore. The Singaporese are part Chinese, part Indian, and part Malaysian -- which makes reproduction very complicated.

Edward the 7th was crowned King of England on August 9th in 1902. Fortunately, he was 59 and already had outgrown the usual king-type pranks like beheading, conquering, and going insane.- Edward is best remembered for such accomplishments as smoking cigars, smiling at Frenchmen, and inventing appendicitis.

On August 9th in 1974 Richard Nixon became the first U.S. president to resign from office. It's just too bad more politicians can't accomplish great things like that.

Love & Learn

Facing Parenthood ... with HIV - Two-year-old Grace McKittrick knows how to play the drums with her hands and paint pictures with her fingers. What she doesn't know, not yet anyway, is that her dad is HIV positive.

Caldwell: After Castro - Anti-Castro Cubans call it the "biological solution," the inevitable moment when mortality catches up to their self-proclaimed Maximum Leader. That moment has arrived. Cuba's post-Fidel era began last week, with or without the actual death of the world's longest-ruling dictator.

Book Reviews - Hollow Earth and Coal Hollow.

To Be Equal - Voting Rights Act reauthorization drew together diversity of supporters.

Decor Score - Decorating a teen room on the cheap.

How to Get Children Out of the House Tip #1:

Buy them a croquet set. They so enjoy throwing mallets at each other.

Janet, Ricky Bobby & Martha

Big News

After losing 60 pounds, singer Janet Jackson appears topless on the cover of Vibe magazine. Before she lost the weight, she wouldn't fit on the cover.
- Rumors indicate Janet is try really hard to get a date with Ricky Bobby.

Martha Stewart will pay about $195,000 and cannot serve as the director of a public company for five years under a settlement announced Monday on civil insider trading charges with the Securities and Exchange Commission. This means Martha is now a free woman and will retain her full divaness.

Just think, some day we'll all look back on this and barf.

A Very Special Week Indeed

This is Elvis Week, time to go to Memphis and stand in line at Graceland to feel the vibrations from the rockabilly spirit world.
- And don't forget to buy a younger-skinnier souvenir and have a memorial chicken-fried steak.

This is National Chigger Week, time to warn everybody to be on the lookout for the dreaded chigger, which usually can be found tiptoeing up your body looking for a place to have a picnic.
- Chiggers are 100% crude. They not only eat your leg for lunch, but then they spit on it. It's the spit that makes your leg itch.
- But trying to get even with a chigger is hopeless. They're so tiny, you can't even see one, much less spit on it.
- There is a way to stop the itching. Mix a dab of ordinary meat tenderizer with a tablespoon of water and rub it on the chigger's picnic site. The tenderizer contains an enzyme called papain, which performs several miraculous wonders, one of which is the neutralization of chigger spit.
- See how we learn things on this blog.

On August 8th in 1981 President Reagan endorsed production of the neutron bomb, a bomb that kills people without damaging their property. Which makes about as much sense as the neutron rifle, a gun that would blow your brains out without messing up your hair.

Today's politically explosive trivia question: How can a nation that builds nuclear missiles, atomic submarines, and neutron bombs call itself civilized?
- Because in some cities we do outlaw firecrackers.

Love & Learn

Stroke Survivor - A stroke survivor shows others "what you can do if you work at it." But at first glance, they figure he's a nimble-tongued phony.

Film Closeup: Jamie Foxx - Jamie Foxx plays Detective Ricardo Tubbs in the crime thriller “Miami Vice.”

Autoword: Dodge Caliber - Higher-Caliber style: Dodge delivers with nifty features.

Chiggers & Other Blood Suckers

This is National Chigger Week. Chiggers are baby harvest mites that only want you for your body.

God created chiggers to teach humans how to scratch professionally.
- Chiggers chew so quietly you never know they are eating you until it's too late.
- A chigger's minimum daily requirement of vitamins and minerals is your leg.
- Look on the bright side. Chiggers are so small you can't see them and they don't eat much. Imagine how you'd itch if chiggers were six feet tall.
- Chiggers make terrible pets. Though, admittedly, it costs hardly anything to feed them.

National Chigger Week, when jillions of tiny, red chiggers will bite everybody in sight along the top of their socks and the bottom of their underwear. If you really want to frost a bunch of chiggers this week, don't wear any socks or underwear.

Love & Learn

A Kid's Guide to Giving - 14-year-old Freddi Zeiler was on a quest to find a charity worthy of her time and money when Mom suggested she compile her notes into a book.

Video Game Reviews - Lara's lovelier than ever in "Tomb Raider," but "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" isn't nearly as lovely or as much fun.

Fitness Forum - Younger patients turning to hip-replacement surgery.

Pop Talk: Corrine Bailey Rae - The music of Corrine Bailey Rae is nuanced and understated, yet her debut album 'Corrine Bailey Rae' has gone double platinum in England.

Travel and Adventure - Canada's Tombstone is a gold-rush reminder.

In Fashion - Standing out in the back-to-school crowd takes creativity.

Today's exciting Chigger Tip:

Scratching a chigger bite does not help. It is better to tape a dab of meat tenderizer on the welt with a Band-Aid. This won't help either, but you can't just sit there and scratch, you have to do something.

Now, today's mosquito defense tip from U.S. Secretary of Mosquito Defense, General Harold "d-Con" Hawk.
- The best mosquito repellant is N,N-die-thylmeta- toluamide. Mosquitoes call it "deet."
- This is high-powered stuff. Rub it on your clothes, rub it on your skin, or for best results grab the dumb mosquito and make him drink it.