Who Has Retarded Taste Buds?

Big News

Anheuser-Busch may go into the liquor business. Beer sales are declining for several reasons:
- Even drunks admit all beer tastes absolutely awful.
- It's simply too hard to drive, drink and talk on a cell phone at the same time.
- Most serious beer drinkers have already been killed in car wrecks.
- The average idiot isn't half as stupid as the idiots in all those TV beer commercials.
- For only a couple bucks more you can have a latte at Starbucks -- and keep it down.

June 23rd

The typewriter was patented on June 23rd in 1868. It’s not used much these days — because it doesn’t have a mouse.

New Jersey was chartered on June 23rd in 1664. In America the Spaniards already had taken the gold, and the French had taken the furs, so the British took New Jersey.
- Later, after opening casinos, New Jersey took everybody.

Some 120,000 ditch diggers revolted in Paris on June 23rd in 1848. This is an exciting story of government in action, so pay attention.
- To ease unemployment in Paris, the French government created 120,000 ditch digging jobs. Unfortunately, they didn't realize how many ditches 120,000 ditch diggers could dig. And pretty soon Paris was running over with ditches.
- So they fired the ditch diggers, and the ditch diggers revolted. Over 1,000 ditch diggers were killed, 10,000 wounded, 11,000 were deported, and the rest got new jobs filling up the ditches.

The U.S. Secret Service was born on June 23rd in 1860. The Secret Service protects the President from the people. Unfortunately, there is no organization that protects the people from the President.

Love & Learn

Energy Crisis: Too Pooped to Pop - Today's hectic lifestyles with the stresses of job and home, eating on the run, and lack of healthy exercise drain our energy faster than a Hummer gobbles gas. Here's what to do about it.

Financial Update - Frustrated with U.S. embryonic stem cell research policy, top government scientist moves to private sector.

TV Closeup: Louis C.K. - Stand-up comedian-actor-director-filmmaker Louis C.K. plays Louis, a part-time auto mechanic, in the TV sitcom “Lucky Louie.”

Dumb Stuff

You know it's hot when your underarms start whistling.

You know it's going to be a hot summer when you notice the gophers putting in a pool.

Pyongyang and Wrong Numbers

Big News

U.S. Ambassador John Bolton on Wednesday rejected an offer from a North Korean diplomat for direct talks with Pyongyang on a potential missile test, saying there's no way President Bush will ever pronounce Pyongyang.
- The North Koreans must first change the name of their capital to Waco or Muleshoe or something more Bushable.

This just in. Dwayne Wade today set a new record for bank shots into the World Cup.- He says he's already been to Disney World so many times he has nightmares about Goofy buying the Heat and trading for the Seven Dwarfs.
- How silly. Everybody knows Goofy already owns the Mavericks.

June 22nd

Actor Ralph Waite was born on June 22nd in 1929. He played John-Man, John-Boy’s daddy, on "The Waltons." He ran for Congress but, fortunately, he lost. So he can maintain his self respect.
- And Grandpa Walton won’t have to roll over in his mountain.

Singer-composer-actor Kris Kristofferson was born on June 22nd in 1936. Today he's a year older and three years uglier.
- When Kris, Johnny, Waylon, and Willie got together, there was enough ugly to pass Osama bin Ladin on the ugly meter.

Bank robber John Dillinger was born on June 22nd in 1903. Like Dillinger, a lot of people get an urge to steal. Some of them end up in prison and some of them end up in politics.

On June 22nd in 1870, convinced that there should be a Department of Justice to investigate things, the U.S. Congress created the Department of Justice to investigate why there was no Department of Justice. After a thorough investigation, the Department of Justice determined there was a Department of Justice, so Congress decided to forget the whole thing and vote itself a pay raise instead.

Love & Learn

Proactive Approach to Bullying Allows Victims to Stand Tall - This proactive approach is a departure from that at most other schools, where punishment - ranging from detention to expulsion - often is a major component of the response to a bullying problem. Experts argue that disciplinary measures are not enough.

Financial Update - Frustrated with U.S. embryonic stem cell research policy, top government scientist moves to private sector.

TV Closeup: Louis C.K. - Stand-up comedian-actor-director-filmmaker Louis C.K. plays Louis, a part-time auto mechanic, in the TV sitcom “Lucky Louie.”

Energy Crisis: Too Pooped to Pop - Today's hectic lifestyles with the stresses of job and home, eating on the run, and lack of healthy exercise drain our energy faster than a Hummer gobbles gas. Here's what to do about it.

Wrong Numbers

You know you're having a bad day when you get a collect call from a wrong number

Did you ever wonder why wrong numbers are never busy?

The Good Old Summertime

Big News

The good old summertime begins Wednesday. Summer always begins on the 5th day of the 5th moon, so it's obvious how it should be celebrated.

You can tell it's summer. The winos have switched to sunscreen.
- The trash at the beach looks fresh.

Summer begins today in the Northern Hemisphere. I've got an idea. Why don't we all switch to Autumn Saving Time? Tonight before we go to bed, we just move our clocks forward one season; then on December 21, we can set them back one season, and have autumn until next spring.

Yes, it's the first day of summer, a very special day when the highway department closes all the good highways and opens all the detours

Just this morning I saw the first sign of summer -- a robin trying to take off his feathers.

Love & Learn

Girl Bullies: It Doesn't Take Physical Contact to Leave Scars - The nature of bullying among girls has become more sophisticated as participants use increasingly manipulative, psychologically painful ways to direct aggression at one another.

Parent Care - Give retirement home a trial run.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: The Lake House, Nacho Libre, Cars, A Prairie Home Companion, The Breakup, Wah-Wah, X-Men: The Last Stand, The Lost City, Da Vinci Code.

Shallow Summer Thoughts

Yea, summertime -- when everybody takes off their clothes and walks around in their sunscreen.

The pools are already so crowded you have to make a reservation to drown.

I just love summer. Especially in the evening, when my patio is turned into a shelter for homeless bugs.

A Dior Ammo Belt?

Big News

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned North Korea Monday not to test a long-range missile. She sounded about as scary as an 80 pound supermodel wannabe can sound.
- You'd think she could at least wear a Dior ammo belt.

The Dallas Mavericks have a new plan to beat Miami that sounds like it could work. The entire Mavericks team will scream at the referees while Jerry Stackhouse accidentally pushes Shaquille O'Neal over on Dwayne Wade.
- Hey, we know Stack can do it.

Chocolate maker Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Odds makers are already taking bets on how long it'll take Kirstie Alley to gain back her 60 pounds

June 20th

Singer Cyndi Lauper has a birthday Tuesday. I don't know if Cyndi is a as wild as she used to be, but at least her hair has settled down some.

The Victorian Age began on June 20th in 1837 when Victoria was crowned Queen of England. For the next 64 years nobody in the British Empire could drink, smoke, or smile. In fact, while Victoria was queen, the only fun thing the British were allowed to do was go to war.
- It was Victoria who enacted the famous "Poor Law," declaring that everyone should be poor -- except, of course, the rich.

Richard Brandon, London's official executioner, died on June 20th in 1649. During his career, Brandon beheaded thousands of people. And if all those people without heads were assembled in one place, it would look like a political convention.

Love & Learn

Lifewire: Caffeine Works the Heart Harder - Research shows caffeine causes coronary blood vessels to expand during exercise and makes the heart work harder by raising blood pressure and heart rate.

Book Reviews - Disfarmer: The Vintage Prints and Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith.

Editorial: Set an Example - Since World War II, the United States has justifiably held itself up as a shining protector of human rights. Since the Sept. 11 terror attacks, however, America's reputation has been tarnished by questions surrounding the Guantanamo prison camp, the mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib, and news of secret U.S. detention facilities in Europe. Now, the Pentagon is making matters even worse. (From The San Diego Union-Tribune)

Fitness Forum: Power Workouts - Chargers' star linebacker is adding punch and power to his new off-season workouts.

Shallow Thoughts

I have all the money I will ever need -- if the monks accept me at the monastery by 4:00 this afternoon

Nutritious - that's an old Choctaw word that means, "It tastes like buffalo hair but it's good for you."