Put a Sock in It!

Big News

The Senate Homeland Security Committee called Thursday for a new disaster relief agency and declared FEMA is beyond repair. President Bush immediately appointed Harriet Miers to head N-FEMA -- the New-Fangled Emergency Management Agency.

This is Canada-U.S. Goodwill Week, a time to realize that Canadians and Americans are a lot alike. In fact, a Canadian is just an American with long underwear.

April 28 in HaHistory

On April 28 in 1983 British barber Gerry Harley set a world record by shaving 987 men in one hour with a safety razor. And, incredibly, all of them survived.
- Just in case they were needed, an ambulance and Dracula were standing by.

Saddam Hussein was born on April 28 in 1937. His parents were disappointed — they were hoping for a human being.

On April 28 in 1789 a mutiny broke out on the British shop Bounty. The Bounty had been sent to Tahiti to pick up a load of breadfruit. The British could have sent any ship, but they chose the Bounty because it was the quicker-picker-upper.

Love & Learn

Home Remedies: Putting a Sock in It - For sore throats and colds, three generations of Stephens' family dabbed Vicks VapoRub on a dirty sock, then safety-pinned it around the sick child's neck. Oh, and it has to be a dirty sock.

Drugs Can Curb Stroke Consequences - A combination of pharmaceuticals made up of aspirin, cholesterol drugs and blood-pressure drugs to prevent stroke also reduces stroke severity if one occurs, according to a new study.

Now, today's time-saving cooking tip:

Don't waste your time making chicken soup. They won't eat it.

Mandatory Things

You have to watch baseball. You could forget how to spit.

Of Rattlesnake Relationships

Big News

The U.S. Senate voted Wednesday to shift some Iraq funds to the border patrol. So what does this mean? Is Halliburton bidding on a new border contract?
- Apparently, the border patrol needs extra money for gasoline.
- At least, you hope it's gasoline. And not body armor.
- Or FRS's -- Fajitas Ready to Serve.

Thrilling Thursday

The big annual Rattlesnake Derby is this weekend in Mangum, Oklahoma. If you plan to attend, please remember the first rule of rattlesnake relationships: It does not necessarily mean a rattlesnake wants to be petted when he wags his tail.

The U.S. invaded Canada on April 27 in 1813. It was no big deal, really. The U.S. wanted Lake Ontario, so U.S. troops marched into Toronto and burned down the provincial parliament. Which, actually, many Canadians seemed to enjoy.

On April 27 in 1967 heavyweight boxing champ Muhammad Ali refused to be drafted into the U.S. Army. Others who refused were criticized, but Ali had a good reason. He didn't believe in fighting.
- And who's going to fight a fighter who doesn't believe in fighting and fights for what he believes in?

Portuguese explorer Ferdinand Magellan retired on April 27 in 1519 when a welcoming committee in the Philippines ate him. It was terrible. You talk about acid indigestion!

Love & Learn

For Senior, Staying in Shape Is a No-Nonsense Matter - Amid the so-called autumn of his years, Louis Messer patiently awaits September. He'll be 78 then, an age when he would rather count repetitions on the bench press than candles on a birthday cake.

Medical Mannequins Put Student Doctors to the Test - The patient's name is John: male, 68 years old, 165 pounds. He's a former smoker with adult-onset diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and prostate cancer. His operation will not go well, but that's okay -- he's not real. Thankfully, this is medicine for dummies.

TV Closeup: Marcia Gay Harden - Oscar Nominee Marcia Gay Harden stars in the TV drama “In From The Night.”

Of dogs:

Now, today's dumb yet intriguing question: Did you ever stop and wonder why a dog never has to blow his nose?
- Never needs a Kleenex?

We don't have a dog. But we have a kid that bites.

Of Grasshoppers and Wrestling Nuns

Big News

President Bush on Tuesday ordered a temporary suspension of environmental rules for gasoline, making it easier for refiners to meet demand. And with dirtier gas, the average SUV's mileage may really vary.
- The good news is each new Hummer now comes with an attached Nissan tanker that can refuel mid-freeway.

President Bush is ordering an investigation into who's responsible for gas price gauging. Dick Cheney immediately invited the President on an emergency quail hunt.

April 26 in HaBlog:

American naturalist John J. Audubon was born on April 26 in 1785. Audubon was a famous bird lover. Of course, he had no reason not to love birds -- he didn't own a car.

On April 26 in 1877 Minnesota stopped everything for a day of prayer, asking God to deliver them from the grasshoppers, which already had eaten Minneapolis and were hopping toward Duluth.
- Fortunately, their prayers were answered. After eating Duluth, the grasshoppers all got sick and died.

Did you know there are 9,000 different kinds of grasshoppers? Well, there are.
- But don't feel bad -- grasshoppers probably don't know much about you, either.

Arnold Schwarzenegger married Maria Shriver on April 26 in 1986. And vice, of course, versa.- But to be honest, "Maria Schwarzenegger" still sounds like a wrestling nun.

Love & Learn

Tween 12 and 20 - Compassionate daily advice for teens from Dr. Robert Wallace on everything from dating to depression to making smart choices.

Film Closeup: Morgan Freeman - Having played detectives, wise men, the president and even God, Morgan Freeman has such an established on-screen image as a "good guy" that it is tough to think of him as one of the "bad guys" in "Lucky Number Slevin."

Et al.

The biggest shock when you quit smoking is finding out what fast food really tastes like

Remember, rain is just nature's way of washing off all that mud.

One thing bothers me about jury duty. Before you start they always swear you in, but when you're finished they never swear you back out.

Howard Stern Chicken Chunks

Marvelous Monday

National TV Turnoff Week begins Monday, a time families to focus on developing richer, healthier, more connected lives (tvturnoff.org).

Monday is Victory Day in Togo. Hey, look it up.- In North Togo the Ewes celebrate victory over the Kabyes; and in South Togo the Kabyes celebrate victory over the Ewes. In Togo, everybody's a winner.

Monday is Hug A Prom Sponsor Day, a day to honor teachers everywhere who help to organize, promote, and chaperone the high school proms. You know, the ones who can’t afford a limo.

Singer Barbra Streisand was born on April 24 in 1942. As a child in Brooklyn Barbra's dream was to sing in a punk rock group. But she had to give up that idea because her hair was too clean.
On April 24 in 1977 New York's famous disco Studio-54 opened. The music was really loud. It had to be, to be heard over the swishing polyester.

Love & Learn

Dog Has the Itchy-Allergy Blues - Worrying about your pet's allergies is very common. According to a 2004 survey conducted by Novartis Animal Health US Inc., 86 percent of pet owners whose animals deal with seasonal allergies say they have felt helpless and frustrated. Here are some ideas that might help.

Quality Teak Furniture Is a Lifetime Investment - Think of quality teak wood as the Sean Connery or Catherine Deneuve of outdoor furniture. Its looks are classic and it ages gracefully. No matter if it's a formal garden bench, a dining set or a laid-back Adirondack chair in warm golden hues or natural silvery gray, fine teak patio pieces often get better with age.

Fall Out Boy: Love It or Hate It - People either love the pop-punk band Fall Out Boy or absolutely, totally hate it. Which may explain why at a time when the band is selling out practically all its concert dates, it's also being voted “Worst Band” in Spin magazine's latest reader's poll.

Once-Scary Marlins Are More Like Minnows - South Florida barely had gotten over the unexpected delight of actually winning the World Series of 1997 when then-owner Wayne Huizenga sent the Marlins into purge mode, his payroll dropping from $53 million to $32 million. That was two owners ago. The state of the current Marlins smells even fishier.

Today's political observations:

A president can't fool all the people all the time. That's why we elect a president and a vice-president.

Republicans are concerned about the poor -- concerned they'll vote for the Democrats.

Thoughts While Kicked Back

After football, basketball, and hockey, finally, baseball -- a whistle-free game a man can sleep through.

Today's blog was to you by Howard Stern Chicken Chunks. No fillers, no preservatives, no artificial flavors, just raw naked fowl. Teenagers and immature adults will love it.