Mexican Miracle Whip

Big News

Russian officials were furious Thursday after Vice-President Dick Cheney criticized Moscow for backtracking on freedom and bullying its neighbors. Too bad Cheney can't handle a shotgun as well as he can shoot off his mouth.

Cinco de Mayo

Friday is Cinco de Mayo, which is a handy phrase to remember when you're in Acapulco and want to order five with mayonnaise.

Cinco de Mayo marks the day in 1862 when the Mexicans defeated the French at Puebla. And I'm glad. If the French had won, Texans would be sipping jalapeno wine and wearing ten-gallon berets.

I think Cinco de Mayo has something to do with Mexican Miracle Whip. It marks the 1862 Battle of Puebla, when it was a miracle the Mexicans whipped the French.

Love & Learn

Know What Questions to Ask Before Buying That Car - New car smell can be seductive. Your best step for taking control of the car-buying experience is the test drive, but it's not the last step. Lots of questions need answering.

Big Like a Buick - There's something about a big Buick with a rumbling V-8 that suits the new Lucerne sedan and the brand. Lucerne is stylish, impressive, comfortable - and large.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: RV, Stick It, Hard Candy, American Dreamz, Sophie Scholl: The Final Days, The Sentinel, Lonesome Jim, Take the Lead, Thank You for Smoking, Ice Age: The Meltdown, and others.

Now, today's exciting fact (You may want to take notes):

It takes 400 cocoa beans to make just one pound of chocolate. And it takes just one pound of chocolate to make 400 pimples.

Et al.

To be honest, I can't believe nobody has come out yet with a microwave barbecue grill.

Dogs appearing on today's blog were fed Pedifree, the fat-free sugar-free caffeine-free taste-free dog food guaranteed to turn your lovable harmless pet into a mean motor-scooter.

When Oscar Wore Pants

Big News

The post office is planning a "forever" stamp for letters, good no matter how many times postal rates increase. Forever is also how long it'll take for the letter to arrive.
- What a riot. Investors will buy up all the forever stamps, and be scalping 'em out behind the post office.

April 4

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences was formed on April 4 in 1927. Censorship was much more strict in those days. Even the first Oscars wore pants.

Opera star Roberta Peters was born on April 4 in 1930. People whose voices can shatter glass become opera singers. People whose voices can shatter nerves become heavy metal singers.

The first hour-long TV soap opera, "Another World," debuted on April 4 in 1964. It was great. With twice as much time, they could have twice as many affairs and get amnesia twice as often.
- Do you sometimes get the feeling that soap opera characters probably marry their cousins?

On April 4 in 1626 Peter Minuit landed on Manhattan and bought the whole island for $24 worth of beads. At today's prices, his payments would have been 70-billion beads a month.

Love & Learn

Health Officials Battle Mumps Outbreak - The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued a health alert for an outbreak of the mumps in the Midwest. The latest reports from Iowa's mumps battle hint at a possible slowing of the epidemic, but state health leaders caution against premature celebration.

WellNews - A different take on medical news: fun quickies that are actually interesting. A weekly roundup of the latest.

Opinion: The Return of Sen. Smog - The quality of the air we breathe can't be taken for granted, especially in places where sunshine and engine emissions combine to create unhealthy smog. It's government's role to protect the health of the many, not to tailor legislation to protect the profits of the few. (From the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.)

Thoughts While Watching the NBA Playoffs

I wonder if anybody ever thought of putting The Club on Charles Barkley's mouth?

I can dribble the ball between my legs, behind my back, left-handed or right-handed. I've been thrown out of every bowling alley in town.

Keith Richards and Mr. Dirty

Big News

New research shows middle-aged Americans are much sicker than their counterparts in England, despite U.S. health care spending per person that's more than double what England spends. Sounds like either God like the Brits best or all that over-priced medicine were taking is making us sick.
- Sick or not, I'm never putting vinegar on my French fries.

Keith Richards fell out of a palm tree in Fiji. Charles Darwin sat up in his gave and laughed.
- Darwin, of course, believed man evolved from monkeys. Richards proves some us are still evolving.

May 3

Some sources say soulman James Brown was born on May 3 in 1933. In his prime, James had the energy of Tina Turner -- and for some reason, the hairstyle of Rosie O’Donnell.

Folk singer Pete Seeger was born on May 3 in 1919. Pete wrote the folk classic, "If I Had A Hammer." Which has now been updated to "If I Had A Nail Gun."

On May 3 in 1675 Massachusetts enacted a law requiring all church doors to be lock during services to keep people from leaving during long sermons. Eventually, the law was ruled unconstitutional because it imposed cruel and unusual punishment on churchgoers with weak bladders.

May is National Barbecue Month, that special time set aside to get the yellow jacket nest out of the barbecue grill.
- And cremate your first weenies of the new year.

Love & Learn

Childhood Asthma Is Up Sharply - Most influenced by genetics and environment, asthma is the cause of almost 3 million doctor visits and 200,000 hospitalizations each year. And studies show these numbers have been growing during the past 20 years, particularly in children.

Nature Newswatch - Find another of God's fascinating creatures each week. Great things to look for on family pinics, field trips and outings.

Thoughts on Barbecuing

Barbecuing is becoming a problem. You can’t afford steaks, ribs are too fattening, and you’re tired of chicken and hamburgers. It seems sort of foolish just to light the grill for marshmallows.

I don't care what vegetarians say, I just can't get excited about hickory smoked cucumbers.

Today's show was brought to you by Mr. Dirty, the hot new uncleanser for rock stars and TV producers who are just too clean to be commercial.

Going All Out for Chainsaw Safety

Big News

Scientists say that if there ever was life on the planet Mars, it was a long time ago. They plan to ask Mike Wallace if he remembers anything. (Tim Hunter, WackyWeek.com)

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that one-time stripper Anna Nicole Smith could pursue part of her late husband's oil fortune. Smith was so happy she ran out and bought a dozen new push-up bras.
- Reportedly, It takes four push-ups working together to push Anna Nicole up.

Big Week

This is Kentucky Derby Week in Louisville, featuring America's premier horse race on Saturday. Kentucky is most famous for two things: the Derby and fried chicken. Most people do better betting on the chicken.

Kentucky Derby Week

Singer Larry Gatlin was born in Seminole, Texas, on May 2 in 1948. Larry owes his success to his brothers Rudy and Steve and his dog Spade. Back in Seminole, every time an ambulance passed, Spade would howl and Rudy and Steve would harmonize. When Spade died, Larry got his job.

Jack Norworth copyrighted "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" on May 2 in 1908. He'd never even been to a ball game. He stood on the corner with a sign: "Will write music for Cracker Jacks."- A guy that goofy would probably eat the prize.

Benjamin Spock was born in New Haven on May 2 in 1903. Dr. Spock's Common Sense Baby Book has sold over 25-million copies. Unfortunately, we could never get our baby to read it.

Love & Learn

Many Americans Trying New Menu of 'Preventive' Foods - A new crop of exotic foods and drinks is overshadowing the familiar apple as the best way to avoid ailments ranging from the effects of stress to cancer and heart disease. AcÍai, goji berries, aged garlic, holy basil (tulsi) and yerba mate, all loaded with antioxidants, are the new darlings of the preventive health-foods pantry.

Video Game Reviews - "The Godfather: The Game" or "Naruto: Clash of Ninja?" Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

Today's exciting chainsaw safety tip:

Never wear jewelry when operating a chainsaw. Chainsaws can be hazardous to your hearing -- especially if you get one caught in your earring.

Guests on today’s blog receive the super Skyco Skunk Skinner, the big 5-horsepower skunk skinner that skins any skunk in seconds and comes postpaid with a lifetime guarantee and a free nose clamp.
- Lifetime guarantee based on the average lifetime of an average skunk skinner; your lifetime may vary.

Umm, Chicken Fried Slim Fast

Big News

Monday is set aside for immigrants to boycott work, school and shopping to show how much they matter to their communities. But it may not happen. At the last minute, Congress is offering each immigrant, if they'll skip the boycott, their choice of $100 or a tank of gas.
- Vouchers should be ready as soon as FEMA answers the phone.

A New Month

Monday is May Day, when everyone is supposed to go a-Maying.
- To go a-Maying, all you have to do is dance through the woods until you find the first gay blossoms of the greater stitchwort.
- Now, tie your stitchwort to the top of your Maypole, and dance around the Maypole while the birds eat your stitchwort. You should be filled instantly with inner peace.
- If you're not filled with inner peace, chances are your stitchwort is defective. Either that, or your Maypole is crooked.

May is American Bike Month, a time when millions will pedal into the Great Outdoors to commune with Mother Nature in their Spandex pants. Because now and then even Mother Nature needs a good laugh.

May is Foot Health Month, a time to be good to your feet. So be sure to pick up some foot powder, change your Odor Eaters, and fertilize your toenails.

On May 1st in 1883 Buffalo Bill Cody gave up Indian fighting to stage his first Wild West show. He had to. His alcohol habit required ten shots of whiskey a day; and when you're that loaded, Indian fighting can be hazardous to your health.

Love & Learn

Film Closeup: Robin Williams - Comedy to Robin Williams is just as meaningful as dramatic work. That is why, at 54, he is getting silly again and starring in "RV." The broadly comic family flick sends Williams on a road trip with his ungrateful family in a rented recreational vehicle.

Toyota Ditches Ugly Duckling Echo for Ducky Subcompact, the Yaris - Both the Yaris liftback and sedan offer no-frills curb appeal. Their platform is longer and wider than the hopeless Echo. The bargain-basement liftback looks faster than it is. The sleek sedan looks like a baby Lexus.

Complete Albums Becoming a Vanishing Act - As a technologically savvy teenager, Danielle Harrison is a key reason the record industry is in big trouble.

Thoughts While Weighing

Dieting is tough in Texas. I'm waiting for them to come out with Chicken Fried Slim Fast.

Assault weapons can cut a guy to pieces in seconds -- sort of like an automatic mother-in-law.

Bloopers for today's blog were supplied by our very own staff of highly trained blooper specialists.