To Shoot One's Mouth Off...

Big News

Chicken companies intend to test every chicken flock in the United States for bird flu before slaughter. Republicans are already hinting they expect chickens attending public schools to fail.

Experts predict more worldwide health problems in 2006. Mad Cow Disease and Bird Flu will be joined by other medical threats. Gorilla Gout. Porcupine Plague. Ferret Fever.
- Poodle Pox. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Fabulous Friday

Friday is National Smith Day, marking the birth of Captain John Smith in 1580, but honoring everyone named Smith, including the 2.4-million North American Smiths. It’s sponsored by Chicago cartoonist Adrienne Sioux Koopersmith (773-743-5341).

Folks, 2.4 million is too many Smiths. Our nation is becoming over-Smithed.
- Look for some weird group to launch a Web site crusading for Smithanasia.

Henry the 8th married his fourth wife, Anne of Cleves, on January 6 in 1540. Anne became Henry's all-time favorite wife. She really had a head on her shoulders -- and unlike Henry's other wives, she managed to keep it there.

Loving & Learning

Hot Bilingual Jobs for 2006 and How to Get Them - As corporations struggle to meet the needs of the country’s booming population of Asian and Latino American consumers, bilingual jobseekers have a real advantage.

Today’s Household Hint

The best way to clean Silver is to let Tonto run him through a car wash.

Thoughts While Waiting in Traffic

Freeway traffic moves a two basic speeds: so fast you can't get on, and so slow you can't get off.

If fast food isn't good for you, how come lions are so healthy?

I wouldn't say Bill O'Reilly shoots his mouth off a lot; I would say he's the only guy on earth who uses gun oil for a mouthwash.

Today's blog is brought to you by The Idiot’s Guide to Books For Dummies, the oh-so-simple new book that gives step-by-step instructions on how to distinguish Books for Dummies from other books with yellow covers, how to find the title on the cover, and what to do if the books in the store are shelved upside-down.

Happy Meal Tip: Do Not Eat the Toy!

Big News

Hundreds of Palestinians crossed into Egypt Wednesday after angry militants stole two bulldozers and smashed through the wall separating Gaza and Egypt. With thousands of Egyptian troops nearby, maybe the Palestinian attack should be called a "suicide bulldozing."
- It's like I've always said, "Give an angry militant a bulldozer, there's just no telling what he'll do.

Rocker Pete Townshend has warned iPod users they may face hearing problems if they don't turn down the volume. Unfortunately, none of them could hear him.
- Not a problem, though, since iPod will soon have an new model you just implant in your brain.

Mick Jagger and his bandmates may be nearing senior citizenship, but Super Bowl planners only want people 45 and younger to take the field during the Rolling Stones' halftime show. That's understandable. You could imagine the hoopla if some old geezerette had a wardrobe malfunction?
- Personally, I worried about Jagger's pants staying up.
- Until I found out his belt buckle has a molly bolt that fastens right into his belly button.

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is National Secondhand Wardrobe Day, a day to encourage thrift store donations.

Wyoming inaugurated America's first woman governor on December 5 in 1925. When Nellie Ross walked in, they say you could hear toilet lids slamming down all over the governor's mansion.

The Grand American Coon Hunt is this weekend in Orangeburg, South Carolina, culminating Saturday with selection of the Grand American Champion Coon Dog. They do not select the Grand American Champion Coon, which seems a little unfair. But I suppose your average champion coon prefers to keep a low profile anyway.
- Thousands and hunters and coon dogs will be there. It's really scary for raccoons -- or women wearing too much eye makeup.
- Being selected Grand American Champion Coon Dog is worth big bucks in pro howling contracts and tick spray endorsements.

To Learn to Speak

Can Fear of Public Speaking Actually Make You a Better Speaker? - This veteran speaker believes it can, and offers helps for controlling, not eliminating, nervousness. In fact, he says a good speaker may want to be a little nervous.

Thoughts During "Law & Order" Commercials

They tell you not to drink and drive, yet the average new van has 14 cup holders.

One reason for a post-holiday letdown is that now you have to think up a whole new excuse to go shopping.

The germs I hate the most are the ones that feel like they're using your intestines as a theme park.

I've been a little different ever since I was a kid and my parents bought me Happy Meals and I ate the toys.

Wherever Children Are Exploited...

Big News

The Homeland Security Department said Tuesday communities facing greater risks will receive a bigger share of federal grants this year to counter terrorism. Re-prioritizing was made possible by a secret new federal eavesdropping program to help determine risk levels.
- It's illegal, but hey, if it gets us more money...

A new study shows cheerleading injuries have more than doubled. Mothers Against Pyramids insist all cheerleaders should wear costumes that include safety belts and airbags.
- "The boys won't care as long as their legs still show," said one Mom.

Microsoft said Tuesday it has creating another patch for a flaw that could let someone take control of another person's computer. So that's what "XP" stands for -- extra patches.

The World Aquarium in St. Louis is selling it's 2-headed albino rat snake on eBay. Bidding starts at $150,000. I suppose bidding on one head would be a waste of time...
- But this soon after Christmas my 2-headed snake budget's a little strapped.

Wild Wednesday

On January 4 in 1969 George Jones and Dolly Parton joined the Grand Ole Opry. George's breath took all the curl out of Dolly's wig.

I joke a lot about George Jones, but his "I Stopped Loving Her Today" is the best country song ever recorded.

The Sahara Desert Transit Authority switched from camels to cars on January 4 in 1924. By car you could cross the Sahara in only three days. It took nine days by camel -- and even then you really had to hump it.

On January 4 in 1976 Ontario neurologist Dr. Adrian Upton discovered human brain waves in a bowl of lime Jell-O.
- Honest.
- By attaching electrodes to the bowl, Dr. Upton discovered that Jell-O vibrations create wave activity identical to that of the human brain. Proving once and for all, that even if man did somehow evolve from monkeys, his brain probably came from General Foods.

Love & Learn

Keep Your Dog's Teeth Healthy - Keeping your dogs teeth and gums clean will eliminate "doggy breath" as well as keep your dog healthy. You probably can do it by brushing twice a week.

The Brain Droppings of George Carlin - A hippy dippy Texas disc jockey who morphed into the ultimate off-center thinker.

Thoughts While Applying an Icy-Hot Patch

When I ice skate, it looks like my ankles were made in Taiwan.

Skating backwards is easy. The hard part is doing it on purpose.

I never skate with a partner. Why hospitalize two people?

Today's blog is brought to you by Mini-Dish, the exciting all new pocket-portable miniature digital satellite TV receiver. Yes, kids, now you can have cable TV in the privacy of your own designer jeans and totally avoid embarrassing parental guidance. Look for Mini-Dish, wherever children are exploited.

Mail All Excess Water to Texas!

Big News

Well, the holidays are officially over, and all the turkeys that weren't eaten are headed back to Washington.

The bowl games are over, and with the pressure off, the couch cushions are regaining their shape.

It's a new year, time to take stock of what we have and whether we'll ever be able to pay for it.

Weary fire crews kept up their fight Monday to contain major grass fires across Texas that had burned dozens of homes. President Bush encouraged his fellow Texans to stay the course and fight fire with fire. So, apparently, the state is almost out of water.
- It's so dry in North Texas the water is only wet on one side.
- Unfortunately, plans fell through to fly everybody at the Rose Bowl Parade to Texas and ring them out over Dallas.

The Rams, Packers, Texans, and Saints all fired their coaches on Monday. It was either that or declare the teams legally dead.
- The reason these teams aren't playing football in January is because they didn't play football in October, November, and December.
- The Texans couldn't win with Santa and eight reindeer in the backfield.

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is National Write to Congress Day, a time to express your opinions.

Congress reconvenes Tuesday. Sorry.
- Fortunately, they won't do much, probably just vote themselves a pay raise and issue a press release denying any wrong-doing.

M.C. Stone patented the drinking straw on January 3 in 1888. Before the drinking straw, kids had no way to make loud slurpy noises or to blow bubbles in their chocolate milk.

Love & Learn

Go Ahead, Test Your Sense of Humor - Check your ability to give laughter or to be the instigator of playfulness. Can you laugh yourself? Are you more yin or yang? A fun quiz can be revealing.

The Best Meat Loaf in the World - This is fast, made-from-scratch meat loaf, all beef meat loaf glazed with ketchup, brown sugar, and nutmeg.

Creation

First there was man. Then there was woman. Then there was temptation, followed shortly by The National Enquirer.

Thoughts While Flossing

Uncle Elmo said he left the New Year's Eve party early -- right after he saw Elvis ride in on a pink reindeer.

There was some sloppy play in the bowl games. I've seen better tackling on Jerry Springer.

Gosh, who would have thought it? Another year gone by, and I'm still partially sane.

Hey, I'm such a veteran at breaking New Year's resolutions, I don't even feel guilty anymore.

King Kong's Health Insurer?

Big News

Well, here it is 2006, and you know what that means -- time to pay for 2005.

Having New Year's Eve on Saturday can be embarrassing -- especially on Sunday when you notice three sopranos and a bass in the choir are wearing party hats.

In case I forget in April, I went ahead and set my clock up an hour.

I'm glad the holiday season is over. All that holiday cheer and goodwill toward men was getting depressing.

President Bush on Sunday strongly defended his domestic spying program, contending domestic spies are the worst kind. They can embarrass you.
- The President said he must stay the course and continue to spy domestically as long as he can draw breath and eavesdrop with his good ear.

Producers say "King Kong" hasn't made as much profit as they'd hoped. You can understand their disappointment. Just keeping The Monkey King in fried banana sandwiches must cost a fortune.
- Kong's barber gets hazardous styling pay.
- Premiums have doubled on his health policy -- Blue Cross Blue Ape.
- And even though Kong is 73 years old he still can't get MediMonkeyCare.
- Apparently, after 911, President Bush secretly cancelled all government pork for big apes.

Magnificent Monday

Monday is Happy Mew Year for Cats Day. Cats insist on holidays all their own. (Sponsored by Thomas & Ruth Roy of Lebanon, Pennsylvania, 717-279-0184)

January was named for Janus, the two-faced god. Janus could look forward and backward at the same time. He had to look at his feet to know if he was coming or going.

January 2nd is the anniversary of the first successful heart transplant in 1968. This proved the way to a man's heart is through his health insurance.

Tex Ritter died on January 2nd in 1974. Tex moved from Texas to Broadway to Hollywood to Nashville. He could sing "Blood on the Saddle" better than anybody, even Pavarotti or Madonna.
- Actually, Tex Ritter wasn't from Texas, he was from Idaho. But how many cowboys want to be called Ida?

On January 2nd in 1952, Pope Pius the 12th declared that television was a threat to family life. But strangely, one of the few things families still do together is fight over the remote.

Loving & Learning

Bowling: Still Cool After All These Years - Kids and teens love bowling, and many adults continue to bowl throughout their lives. Bowling is for the young and the old.

Thoughts While Undecking the Hall

You know it's January when you've returned all your Christmas gifts, signed up for Weight Watchers, and put the fruitcake away for another year.

I had a terrible nightmare. On New Year's Eve I dreamed that drunken New Yorkers shorted out all of North America, thinking the big ball descending in Times Square was a piñata.

Ambulance service for today's blog was provided by Federal Express. Call Federal Express, when overnight is fast enough.