Neanderthals, Pirates & Robin Williams

Big News

President Bush addressed the NAACP convention Thursday. Everything went well. He didn't try any potty mouth rap.

U.S. and German scientists Thursday launched a project to decipher the genetic code of the Neanderthal, a feat they hope will help show how modern humans' brains evolved. If they succeed, they may try it on Republicans.

July 21st

On July 21st in 1718 Blackbeard the Pirate was shot five times, stabbed 20 times, and decapitated. Well, it just ruined his whole day.

On July 21st in 1861 the Union Army was routed at the Battle of Bull Run. How about that? I always thought Bull Run was the place where congressmen jog.

Napoleon took Cairo in the Battle of the Pyramids on July 21st in 1798. At first, Napoleon wanted to ship the Pyramids to France, but he changed his mind when he found out that even the lowest bidder, Mediterranean Express, charged two francs an ounce.

Comic Robin Williams was born in Chicago on July 21st in 1952. If you want to wish Robin a happy birthday, give him a call. His number is 555-NahNoo-NahNoo.
- To prove he is becoming more serious about life, Robin will mail his birthday cake and ice cream to Ethiopia.

Love & Learn

Dear Doug: Senior Advice - Without humor, the joke's on you.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: You, Me and Dupree, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, The Devil Wears Prada, Superman Returns, Waist Deep, Click, Nacho Libre, Cars, A Prairie Home Companion, The Breakup.

Shallow Thoughts

In weather this hot, wouldn't it be nice if you could shed your skin, like snakes and lawyers do?

Human beings are funny, but for real laughs, you still can't beat a good boss.

Potty Mouth President

Big News

Brits and Canadians are now referring to the U.S. president as PM George W. Bush. Except in this case, instead of Prime Minister, "PM" stands for "Potty Mouth."

Batman and Superman, Wonder Woman, Supergirl and a half dozen other superheroes will star on new postage stamps being released Thursday. Shazam! Captain Marvel didn't make it. Probably the red tights and yellow shoes.
- Lemon shoes are so out this season.

Moon Day

On July 20th in 1969 astronaut Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the moon. Then, almost immediately, he became the first man to set two feet on the moon.
- The first foot was a giant step for mankind; but nobody paid much attention to the second foot.

Actually, you hate to even bring it up because, these days, when you say "Moon Day," people immediately start unbuckling their belts.

On July 20th in 1960 two Russian cosmodogs returned to Earth, the first living creatures ever to return from outer space. The dogs indicated it was a great trip, but next time they'd like to stick their heads out the window.

On July 20th in 1986 a 99-year-old man climbed Mount Fuji. Unconfirmed reports say he was just trying to get away from Willard Scott.

Love & Learn

Dear Doug: Senior Advice - Without humor, the joke's on you.

The NASCAR Magnet - The big news this week is not Danica Patrick.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: You, Me and Dupree, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, The Devil Wears Prada, Superman Returns, Waist Deep, Click, Nacho Libre, Cars, A Prairie Home Companion, The Breakup.

Parent Care - Now is the time to address long-term care needs.

Forecast:

Tonight there's a 20 percent chance you will dream the world is a pizza oven, and you're an anchovie.

Too Hot to Blog

Hot News

The heat wave is causing problems everywhere. On his global warming tour, Al Gore boiled over.
- In Mississippi last night, members of the Klan were wearing Speedo sheets.

The heat island effect in our big cities means you can pop popcorn on the sidewalks. But don't. Somebody make think it's gunfire and pop you back.
- In Dallas Tuesday it was 107 and drier than the trees in a one dog town.

July 19th

Wednesday is Bloomer Day. It's one of those feminist things, so husbands have to be especially careful. Or you could wind up sleeping next week in the flower bed with the cat.

The first women's rights convention was held in Seneca Falls, New York, on July 19th in 1848. Basically, the convention declared that women were human. But back then men were afraid that if women were treated like humans, next thing you know they'd want to powder their wigs and wear earrings and tight pants.

On July 19th in 1966 Frank Sinatra married Mia Farrow. He was 51, she was 21. It wasn't a great marriage, but at least Frank didn't marry any of her kids.

The great Sioux medicine man Sitting Bull surrendered to the U.S. Army on July 19th in 1881. He would have surrendered a day earlier; but like most medicine men, on Wednesday Sitting Bull played golf.

Love & Learn

Lifewire: Study Emphasizes Tobacco Risks - The direct link between poverty and mortality is well-known, but a new study by the University of Toronto and the University of Oxford is the first to find that more than half the difference in risk of death between wealthy men and poor men comes from smoking.

Pop Music Jumped the Shark in 1985 - The truth is, the mid-'80s were dark times and Starship did not act unilaterally. In fact, I have a couple horror stories from that era.

Hyphen-Nation - The birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has brought a new focus on blended surnames.

Summer Sun Protection - Taking cover: Sunscreen is just part of the picture.

Today's Heavy Bird Thought

Have you noticed? When you turn on your sprinklers, here come the robins. Robins love water. I think robins, in a previous like, were ducks.

Thoughts on Aging

The number of Americans over the age of 85 will double in the next 25 years. Folks, we may see electric wheelchair traffic gridlock at Wal-Mart.

Profane Presidents and Beer

Big News

At the G-8 Summit, President Bush used one of the seven words Christian president's can't say on TV. The Methodists were so embarrassed they almost traded him to the Baptists -- but they were afraid he'd start drinking again.

Anheuser-Busch will change the water used in making Rolling Rock beer to New Jersey water. Why? No beer drinker cares what kind of water's in his beer? He'd drink it if it tasted like milk from an Iranian goat with mad goat disease.

July 18th

Nero fiddled while Rome burned on July 18th in 64 A.D. Most people thought Nero should stop fiddling with the city in flames; but as any good fiddler will tell you, it's hard to stop when you're really cookin'.

Today's exciting Roman Music trivia question:
- Was Nero a really good fiddler or did he just fiddle around?
- Nero was an accomplished fiddler, a really bad accomplished fiddler.
- The only thing worse than his fiddling was his singing. Nero was such a terrible singer he finally cut his own throat because of it, ably assisted by his secretary.

Tom Johnson was born on July 18th in 1854. It was Tom, you'll recall, who ushered in the era of the honest bus passenger by inventing the see-through fare box.
- People were so grateful they elected Tom major of Cleveland. Or maybe they were trying to get even with him.

Musician Ricky Skaggs was born on July 18th in 1955. Ricky’s one of those unique bluegrass guys who sings real high and sounds like he just swallowed his snuff.
- And he picks so fast, you can't see how his fingers keep from running into each other.

Bluegrass stars are all pretty much alike. They play mandolins and banjos and fiddles and sing about hound dogs and moonshine and layin' 'round the shack 'till the mail train comes back.
- Ricky Skaggs is a little different in that he's remodeled his shack and added a pool, a sauna, and an automatic hound dog wash.

Love & Learn

God & Country Music - Some of country music’s earliest stars expressed a spiritual side; today a new wave of singers is finding religion can inspire and sell.

To Be Equal - History shows the war against crime can be won.

Scanning the Bookshelf - Comrade Rockstar: The Life and Mystery of Dean Reed.

Is Less Bad the Same as Good? - President George W. Bush this month celebrated the news that Uncle Sam will plunge only $296 billion deeper in debt this year, as opposed to $319 billion last year and $412 billion the year before. In other words, he'll be up to his belly in debt instead of up to his neck. (The St. Louis Post-Dispatch)

Film Closeup: Johnny Depp - Johnny Depp’s signature role may be Jack Sparrow, the 18th century rogue with gobs of mascara and a wonderfully weird accent in 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'

Shallow Family Thoughts

I don't mind taking the kids camping. What I don't like is staying with them.

My Uncle Josh finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.

Pirates, Republicans, Etc.

Big News

"Pirates of the Caribbean" raked in $258 million in its first 10 days, as much as Halliburton made in Iraq in two whole weeks.
- When they heard, Republicans started talking about ditching politics and becoming pirates in the Caribbean.

July 17th

Happy birthday Monday to actor David Hasselhoff. He was the big star on Baywatch that nobody ever noticed.
- He’d stay in the water so much he got dishpan dimples.
- That’s the sad part of being an old lifeguard—wrinkled muscles.

On July 17th in 1995 Forbes magazine announced that Microsoft's Bill Gates was the richest man in the world and worth $12.9-billion. Now he's worth five or ten times that much and probably wonders how he ever made it on a measly $12-billion.
- Just think how many lottery tickets this guy can buy.

Cheyenne Frontier Days are this week in Wyoming. It's the world's largest outdoor rodeo. Actually, outdoor rodeos are a lot easier -- you don't have to paper train the bulls.

Spain gave Florida to the U.S. on July 17th in 1821. And aren't we glad? Can you imagine what one of those conquistador helmets would do to Mickey Mouse's ears?
- And who'd want all those bull fighters flying in every year for spring training?

Love & Learn

Autoword - On target: Toyota aims high, hits the mark with half-ton Tundra.

Film Closeup: Kevin Spacey - Kevin Spacey plays evil genius Lex Luther in the new action movie “Superman Returns.”

Video Game Reviews - "'Rush for Berlin" and "Race Cars 2006."

Today's Scene: Teleworking - As the cost of commuting rises, more employees are working from home.

Setting the Stage for a Quick Home Sale - Faced with an empty house that's now on the market, Colleen McLinden brought in furniture to help make the sale. She calls it staging, and it's helping her clients make quicker sales.

Shallow Thoughts

I hate a bloody movie that has more brains spilled in front of the camera than were used behind the camera.

The worst part of any aerobics class is waiting for the ambulance.

There are two kinds of diets: those I try and those that work.

I've seen many things in my time, many many things. But you know what I've never seen? Ever? I have never seen ... K.D. Lang's legs.