Healthy Office & Rattlesnake Day

Big News

Bowing to ferocious opposition in Congress, a Dubai-owned company signaled surrender Thursday in its quest to take over operations at U.S. ports. Noting Congress ferocious opposition, President Bush exclaimed, "Who let the dogs out!?"
- Ever staying the course, Bush threatened to veto Dubai's surrender.

Fabo Friday

The World's Largest Rattlesnake Roundup begins Friday in Sweetwater, Texas. More than 30,000 people watch snake hunting and milking and some will enter the rattlesnake-eating contest. The 3-day festival also features the World Championship Rattlesnake Meat Cooker (rattlesnakeroundup.com).

The world's first automatic hat was patented on March 10th in 1896. You could wind it up, bow your head, and this wonderful hat would tip itself and twirl automatically. If the spring broke, it also scalped you automatically.

The Salvation Army arrived in the U.S. on March 10th in 1880. The Salvation Army is my favorite army. If they ran the Defense Department, the Pentagon would be a shelter for winos and we'd all get a tax refund.
- And our foreign policy would be to sing softly and carry a big tambourine.

Friday is National Healthy Office Day, so remember, the following may be hazardous to your health:
- eating day-old jelly doughnuts.
- reusing last week's coffee grounds with little green things growing on them.
- inhaling copier toner.
- cleaning the wax out of your ear with a rusty paperclip.
- breathing secondhand smoke.
- chewing secondhand tobacco.
- cleaning laser printer rollers with your tongue.
- telling the boss where to go.

Love & Learn

Tween 12 and 20 - Compassionate daily advice for teens from Dr. Robert Wallace on everything from dating to depression to making smart choices.

Through Thick & Thin - A daily family comic strip by Ralph Smith.

Thoughts While Eating a Ding Dong

You join a health club because you have nothing better to do. You never go because you can always find something better to do.

Wake Up, Yasser!

Big News

Actress Sharon Stone says she will kiss "just about anybody" to end the Israel-Arab conflict. What's this woman trying to do? Bring back Yasser Arafat?

Brad Paisley grabbed six nominations for the Country Music Awards. Brooks and Dunn and Sugerland received five. And Willie Nelson set a new record with his 17th straight nomination for ugly vocalist of the year.

Thrilling Thursday

Ford introduced the V-8 engine on March 9th in 1932. It was the first engine to run on vegetable juice.

The annual Rattlesnake Roundup is this week in Sweetwater, Texas. Any surplus rattlesnakes will be Fed Ex'd to Bob Barker. They know he'll give them a good home.

On March 9th in 1822 Charles Graham received the first patent for false teeth. Charles was so proud of his patent, he kept it by his bedside in a glass of water.

On March 9th in 1873, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police was founded. The red tunic, Stetson hat, and riding pants are very distinctive. So when Mounties go undercover, their horses wear nondescript sunglasses.

Love & Learn

Always Display Your Collections Together - Think small. Little things really do mean a lot in decorating.

Today's crime warning:

Remember, if you commit a felony, after you're arrested, found not guilty on a technicality, and write your book, you'll have to go on all those lousy talk shows.

A Great Day for Men to Shut Up!

Big News

The Bush administration told Iran on Tuesday any enrichment of nuclear fuel on Iranian territory was unacceptable. And if Iran doesn't back off, we're prepared to unleash Condoleezza Rice.
- Hey, that'd scare the enrichment out of me.

The Iditarod continues through Alaska. A musher’s job is one of the hardest in all of sport. Eleven hundred miles of frozen snow, sixteen huskies, and one pooper scooper. (Alan Ray)

Del Monte bought Meow Mix cat food for 75 million dollars. It's okay I suppose, but I hope they don't start featuring dry, crunchy vegetables.

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is International Women's Day, the most widely observed holiday of recent origin, especially in other nations, though it began in the U.S.

International Women's Day, a reminder that women are now a worldwide sex.
- They're everywhere! Even in the U.S. Senate.

International Women's' Day is sponsored by the United Nations as a day to honor women, especially working women. To this end the U.N. passed a resolution declaring that all women are wonderful, regardless of race, religion, national origin, or sex.

According to tradition, Wednesday is the one day each year when skunks mate. They probably can't stand it more than once a year.

Love & Learn

Tween 12 and 20 - Compasssionate daily advice for teens from Dr. Robert Wallace on everything from dating to depression to making smart choices.

Today's incredible truth.

The human body is 95% water. So the fastest way to lose weight is to spring a leak.

Et al.

I was in the army. I fought for the Philistines.

I save time in the morning by eating as I drive to work. The only touchy part is pouring the syrup on the pancakes.

An Exciting Foggy Mirror Tip

Does anybody know? Is the Academy Awards show over yet?
- What a show! I woke up 14 times and it was still going. (HaBlog)

Talk about weird. I dreamed June Carter Cash wants to come back and star in the Reese Witherspoon story.
- God's thinking about it

Terrific Tuesday

A wax likeness of singer Elton John was added to Madame Tussaud's Waxworks in London on March 7th in 1976. It was incredible. The likeness of Elton was so life-like, the moment it was unveiled its hair fell out.

Alexander Graham Bell patented the telephone on March 7th in 1876. In those days it was almost impossible to get an appointment at the patent office -- primarily because they didn't have a phone.

Luther Burbank was born on March 7th in 1849 in Lancaster, Massachusetts. Luther was a plant breeder, sort of a match-maker -- a cupid for vegetables.
- He'd arrange a marriage between two really classy prunes and create a new-improved prune.
- Luther improved almost every fruit and vegetable we eat today. So next time after an especially tasty meal, remember Luther Burbank when you burp.

The first corn flakes cereal was served to Dr. John Kellogg's patients at a Battle Creek, Michigan, mental institution on March 7th in 1897. The mental patients loved Kellogg's corn flakes. You might say they were crazy about it.

Love & Learn

Pension Troubles Ahead - Warning flags are everywhere: United Airlines declared bankruptcy and then successfully petitioned the federal government to jettison its pension funds. Corporations like Enron and Adelphia are also dumping their pension plans.

Today's exciting foggy mirror tip.

In a hurry to unfog a steamed up bathroom mirror? Blast it with your blow dryer. It not only works, it makes you feel tough.

Et al.

Is there anything more wonderful than a barbecue? The smell of charcoal ... the sizzling of a steak ... the picturesque way bugs stick to the hot dogs...

Just think, ten years from now they'll be playing rap in elevators.
- Better get in shape to take the stairs.

Created Your Own Playlists Yet?

Big News

AT&T is buying BellSouth for $67 billion in stock So pretty soon all the Baby Bells will be back with Ma Bell like God intended.
- It's a family values thing.
- Alexander Graham is boogying in his grave.

Did you see the Oscars? I watched in my Johnny Cash Man-in-Black outfit -- so I wouldn't be surprised when all the Oscars went to the wrong people.

Marvelous Monday

Cyrano de Bergerac was born on March 6th in 1619. Cyrano had a huge proboscis. And his nose was big, too.
- Cyrano's nose was so long, when he turned his head people had to duck.

This is National Procrastination Week. It’s a time to put things off until you have more time to forget them entirely.
- The Procrastinator's Creed

Guam was discovered on March 6th in 1521. What are the people called who live in Guam? Guamites? Guamians? Guamers?
- Are there bears in Guam? Are they called Guami Bears?

Exercising Your Hippocampus

Online Service Analyzes Traits to Create Your Playlists - If you like Elvis, chances are you also like The Flying Burrito Brothers, The Long Winters and The Glands - though you might not know it.

Today's exciting hammering tip.

Remember, when hammering, prevent the nails from bending by rubbing them with Vaseline. Do it privately, though, since others might not understand.

Et al.

Cook-outs are very popular, and why not? I mean, why slave in a hot kitchen when you can mess up an entire backyard?

It's getting to the point where a guy can't enjoy the simple things in life, like slicing a bagel and watching the butter melt on it, without some idiot behind you honking his horn.