Exciting New Indy 500 Ideas

Happy Memorial Day Weekend, everyone.

Don't forget to honor the memory of our fallen heroes by saving a bundle in every department of every store in town.

The Indy 500 is exciting ... engines roaring ... tires screeching ... it's like 4:00 p.m. at a high school parking lot.

I went to the Indy 500 one year. But nobody got maimed, so I haven't been back.

The Indy 500 would be more exciting if half the cars raced clockwise and the other half counter-clockwise.
- Add a few potholes to the track.
- Four or five hundred armadillos.
- Maybe a school zone and a couple of 18-wheelers...
- And a little old lady creeping along in an '87 Corolla.

Indy 500 Fun-Liners

Friday is Drugstore Cowboy Day at HaBlog

Actor James Arness, Sheriff Matt Dillon on "Gunsmoke," was born on May 26 in 1923. He’s been kind of lonely since Miss Kitty went on ahead to that great saloon in the sky.
- Which brings up the question: Do you think they have hair-coloring in heaven?
- Why don't they ever talk about interesting stuff like that on Christian talk radio?

Actor John Wayne was born on May 26 in 1907. The Duke made a great cowboy. His motto was, "Shoot first, then let somebody else ask questions while you get the girl."

The Big Cowboy Poetry Gathering is this weekend in Medora, North Dakota. In the old days cowboys just rode the range and punched cows and walked funny. Today's cowboys write poetry and paint expensive pictures and walk funny.

Love & Learn

Parent Care - Don't delay in learning about VA benefits.

FYI Travel - Fun places to go, exciting things to do. Online contacts and 800 numbers. New every week.

It's All About Me - Author Jean Twenge finds a confident, materialistic, assertive, narcissistic group of young Americans.

TV Closeup: Miley Cyrus - Miley Cyrus, the daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, stars in the Disney television series, “Hannah Montana.”

Shallow Thoughts

With so many firey crashes at Indy, if I was driving, I'd want my airbag full of water and my shorts full of Solarcaine.

Some day I'll retire from all this and write a book about all the fantastic things that have happened to me. Then, the next day I'll go shopping.

Bojangles and The Babe

Big News

Florida Governor Jeb Bush says he was approached about becoming the NFL's next commissioner. Fascinating. You can't help but wonder which of his brothers he might choose as Deputy Commissioner of Cheeseheads.

May 25th

Thursday is National Tap Dance Day and the birthday of the "King of the Tap Dancers," Bill "Bojangles" Robinson. He was the Michael Jackson of the good old days.
- But the good old days didn't pay all that much, so Mr. Bojangles had to dance with his own nose.

Babe Ruth hit his 714th and last home run on May 25th in 1935. The Babe's most unusual home run came in 1929 when he smashed a line drive that soared between pitcher Hod Lisenbee's legs and over the centerfield fence. The ball did not touch the pitcher, but he walked funny for several days anyway.

The movie "Star Wars" was released on May 25th in 1978. I think Chewbacca should have won an Oscar. In fact, I think they should change Oscar's name to Chewbacca. At least, he'd be covered with hair.
- If you're not familiar with Chewbacca, just imagine Howard Stern as a redhead.

National Safe Boating Week

On May 25th in 1978 Memphis restaurant owner John Grisanti set a world record by paying $18-thousand for a bottle of wine. It was an 1864 Chateau Lafite-Rothschild dry red Bordeaux, which is a very special wine -- the kind you'd order with a gourmet dinner in one of those plush, dimly-lit French armored cars.

Love & Learn

The Perfect Meal - Here's an example of the perfect meal you can make at home. It has everything you need for better health.

Lifewire: Blindness, Parkinson's - Teenagers, people with diabetes, Hispanics and the poor have higher rates of visual impairment and can most benefit from corrective lenses. Hundreds of thousands of baby boomers are likely to be diagnosed over the next several years with Parkinson's Disease.

Honda's Subcompact Offers a Refined and - Surprise! - Quick Ride - The Honda Fit hatchback comes with a five-speed manual transmission and a starting price of $14,400 that includes air conditioning, power windows, locks and mirrors.

Shallow Thoughts

Until I got a computer I had no idea how fast I could screw up.

Be proud, America. You may only be a shadow of your former self, but you still know what evil lurks in the hearts of men.
- And if you understand that, be careful -- you're too old to laugh.

Biochemicals for today's blog were supplied by biochemist Dr. Pablo Prolife of the University of Tijuana Medical Center, who claims to have produced the world's first living test-tube liberal.

White Lace Crime Highlighted

May 24th in Fun History:

Singer Bob Dylan was born on May 24th in 1941. I can't understand his singing anymore. He sounds like a rolling stone got caught in his throat.

Pickle Week Fun

The first auto repair shop opened in Boston on May 24th in 1899. The first car brought into the shop should be ready tomorrow.

On May 24th in 1935 in Cincinnati, baseball was first played under the lights, which was great. With lights, the players weren't nearly as likely to spit on each other.

Pricilla Presley was born on May 24th in 1945. She was married to Elvis for six years. Those were the years she always had the fried birthday cake.

Love & Learn

Help Your Teen Build Self-Esteem - As a parent, you want to help your child with every advantage in life. Most importantly, perhaps, is that you want your child to grow up to be confident, responsible, and successful. Here are 10 ways to help foster self esteem in your teenager?

Lifewire: Blindness, Parkinson's - Teenagers, people with diabetes, Hispanics and the poor have higher rates of visual impairment and can most benefit from corrective lenses. Hundreds of thousands of baby boomers are likely to be diagnosed over the next several years with Parkinson's Disease.

UN Must Act with Urgency - Along with six other members of the Congressional Black Caucus, Rep. Gwen Moore, D-Wis., has acted to highlight the humanitarian and moral challenge posed by Darfur, a region of western Sudan where the slaughter has been so rampant that the Bush administration has portrayed it as genocide. (From The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel)

Horoscope

Leo: White lace crime is highlighted. A desperate housewife will break into your kitchen and steal all your grocery coupons.

Shallow Thought

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does not having health insurance.

Annual Bath Week

Big News
Keith Richards has returned to the United States after falling out of a tree in New Zealand. Reportedly, he had a good flight, almost falling out of the jetliner only once. Fortunatly, his gold chain was caught in his personal flotation device.

This just in.

A group of Tokyo investors today bought the Grand Canyon and moved it to Japan. So if you're planning a trip to the Canyon this summer, forget it. All that's left is a great big hole.

Bath Fest

The annual Bath Festival begins this week in Avon, England. I suppose the Avon Lady brings the soap.
- The Bath Festival is actually a music festival but since it lasts two weeks, taking a bath is okay, too.

The Democratic Party was born on May 23rd in 1792 when a group of unorganized political factions chose Thomas Jefferson as their spokesman. So the Democrats have been unorganized ever since they were organized.

The first airborne wedding in Canada took place on May 23rd in 1929. The bride and groom said their vows in a biplane over Regina. It was a lovely ceremony. The bride was beautiful in her white dress, white veil, and white parachute.
- The bride's cousin, watching from the ground below, caught the bridal airsick bag.

Love & Learn

Spiritual Transformation Is Good for You - College students tend to be better adjusted, teenagers are more likely to describe themselves as happy, and AIDS patients have had a greater adherence to HIV medications - particularly if they've undergone spiritual transformations. These findings come from nearly two dozen projects, part of a pioneering scienific research program.

Sitting on a Ball Keeps Office Workers on a Roll - Picture an office teeming with workers who couldn't be more on the ball. Chests open, shoulders straight, trunk muscles offering plenty of anti-slouch support. Each is perched atop a round, inflatable plastic object, variously known as an exercise ball, stability ball or Swiss ball.

Video Game Reviews - "Driver: Parallel Lines" and "Metroid Prime: Hunters."

Film Closeup: Edward Norton - Edward Norton portrays a San Fernando Valley man who believes he's a cowboy in the drama 'Down in the Valley.'

'Tween 12 and 20 - Compasssionate daily advice for teens from Dr. Robert Wallace on everything from dating to depression to making smart choices.

Steve Nash: A Lock on the NBA Hall of Fame? - Nine players have won consecutive NBA Most Valuable Player awards and in joining that list the Phoenix Suns point guard now stands beside Jordan and Bird and Russell and Magic and Duncan and players of that immense stature. The Hall of Fame should be as assured for Nash as his Canadian citizenship. But there are skeptics.

Shallow Thoughts:

Oct-to-puss: I can't remember, it's either somebody with eight faces or four politicians.

Be careful on the streets. There are people out there who’ll homicide you to death.

How About Maximum Smart?

Big News

Iraq's new prime minister promised Sunday to use "maximum violence" to end the brutal violence wracking his country. And if that makes sense to you, your compassionate conservatism may be leaking.
- Is threatening to kill a suicide bomber effective reasoning?
- In other words, he's talking tough, not smart, so democracy must be taking hold
- By the way, who is this guy and where did he get his MBA?

May 22nd in Fun History

The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold in Arcadia, Florida, on May 22nd in 1931. I've never tried rattlesnake meat, but they say if you fry it in Crisco it tastes just like chickensnake meat.
- My wife would probably grind it up and make a snakeloaf.

Opera composer Richard Wagner was born in Germany on May 22nd in 1813. Opera is okay I guess -- except for all that singing.
- I go to an opera now and then -- just to see how the other half sleeps.

Pickle Week Fun

Scott Case set a world record in Los Angeles on May 22nd in 1974 by stuffing 110 cigarettes into his mouth, lighting all 110, and smoking them for 30 seconds. Then he turned green, coughed twice, and killed an oak tree with his breath.

The infamous Reno Gang pulled "The Great Train Robbery" at Marshfield, Indiana, on May 22nd in 1868. They not only escaped with $98,000 in cash, they made their getaway in the locomotive. They were lucky. Even in those days, a locomotive was pretty easy to track.

Love & Learn

EUREKA! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New every week.

Duct Tape, Super Glue & WD40: Workbench Solutions to Life's:Little Dilemmas - Duct tape and Super Glue are the workhorses of household repair, right? But is that all? Or is there something about these products that brings out the inventor in us? Herewith, a random compendium of uses that may not have occurred to you. Duct tape for medicinal use? Yessirree.

TV Closeup: Alyson Hannigan - A 32-year-old perky brunette, Alyson Hannigan plays a smart, opinionated, kindergarten teacher in the TV comedy series “How I Met Your Mother.”

Shallow Thoughts:

Parenting's not easy. To set a proper example, you constantly find yourself eating stuff you can't stand.

You know you're getting old when you go back to your class reunion, and they serve prune punch.