Thursday, April 06, 2006

America's Pet Goat

Big News

Scooter Libby has told prosecutors that President Bush authorized a leak of sensitive intelligence information about Iraq. The White House says the President will not respond to the charge until he finishes reading "My Pet Goat" again.
- Which could take several days.
- Ironically, Bush has turned out to be our pet goat.
- Just like Clinton, Reagan, Carter, and What's His Name.

Funtastic Friday

Friday is No Housework Day. No trash, no dishes, no bed-making, no laundry. In other words, a day like any other day at our house.
- Remember the first rule of housework: Never discuss it outside the presence of a licensed marriage counselor.

America's first camel race was held in Sacramento to raise money for the poor on April 7 in 1864. The poor also got a free dinner -- chicken-fried hump.
- They say camels make pretty good food for the poor. In fact, after just one camel burger you don't have to drink anything for three weeks.

Speaking of chloroform, Queen Victoria was given some during the birth of her eighth child on April 7 in 1853. Before that, it was a sin to ease the pain of childbirth. And in those days only men were allowed to sin.

Will Kellogg was born in Battle Creek, Michigan, on April 7 in 1860. Will's brother John invented cornflakes to feed patients at his sanitarium, and Will just knew he could sell Kellogg's Cornflakes to every kid in America. Which he did after he frosted them with sugar. The hardest part was teaching the tiger to say they were "Grrrrrrrreat!"

Love & Learn

Fighting Home Allergies - Your home is your castle, your refuge ... your allergy and irritant headquarters. There are unseen, uninvited guests you must wage war against in order to perpetuate a healthy lifestyle.

Holistic Healing - Some doctors are abandoning traditional Western medicine for homeopathic techniques.

The Patent Inside - Something weird happened last summer at Patriot Scientific Corporation. For the first time in 15 years, Sh-Boom! -- the company made money.

Thoughts While Perusing the Computer Ads

With all the mail-in rebates and instant savings and cash-backs, nobody has known the real price of a computer since 1989.

Today's blog is brought to you by Spam Roll-On, the antiperspirant that stops wetness by clogging up your pores. Dermatologist-tested, four out of five dermatologists smelled okay.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Jessica Simpson for Fox News?

Big News

Saddam Hussein claimed Wednesday he killed hundreds of Shiites in the 1980s in self-defense. And if the court buys that, he'll try to sell them some lakefront property in the Iraqi desert.
- If Saddam was an American, he'd be running Congress by now.

A poll shows most Americans think Katie Couric should keep her morning job at NBC. Since only older women watch "The CBS Evening News," they probably think Bob Schiefer is cuter.
- The older men are already glued to Elizabeth Vargas.
- Or as she's known down at the home, "Sticky Liz."

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Merle Haggard's birthday. Merle became a singer after getting out of prison. I guess he wasn't interested in politics or TV evangelism.

The world's first circular office building was dedicated in Los Angeles on April 6 in 1956. The secretaries liked working in a round building -- at office parties their bosses couldn't corner them.

On April 6 in 1868 Brigham Young married his 27th and final wife. It was a small wedding, just the immediate wives.- He died a short time later while waiting outside the bathroom.

Explorer Robert Peary discovered the North Pole on April 6 in 1909. The trip was funded by Santa Claus, who was looking to move the elves out of his duplex in Queens.

On this day in 1992, voting began on the choice of young or old Elvis Presley postage stamps. A second vote was held to see if the stamps should taste like bacon or fried chicken.

Love & Learn

The Patent Inside - Something weird happened last summer at Patriot Scientific Corporation. For the first time in 15 years, Sh-Boom! -- the company made money.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Thank You for Smoking, Ice Age: The Meltdown, Basic Instinct 2, and others.

Teens Are Just Too Tired to Function - Your teenagers aren't lazy. They're just tired. Medical researchers say so. They also have some suggestions on what to do about it.

Et al.

What's the big deal if more American teenagers can name The Three Stooges than the three branches of government? Haven't most of us called them the Larry, Curly, and Moe branches for years?

My car broke down so I called Triple-A, but I dialed AA by mistake. The guy was too drunk to come get me

Where else but the post office would they bolt a copy machine to the floor that doesn't work?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Make Your Kids Laugh!

Big News

Tom DeLay has announced his resignation from Congress. Democrats think it's all about money. DeLay's an exterminator by trade, and there are more rats in Texas than in Congress.

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is Make Your Children Laugh Day. Do something really goofy they’ll still remember next year.

Wednesday is Tomb Sweeping Day in Taiwan. Or, for the wealthy who can afford tombs with electricity, it's Tomb Vacuuming Day.
- Tomb Sweeping Day in Taiwan is a day to honor ancestors. We don't have a national holiday to honor our ancestors. But so far they've kept quiet about it.

Pocahontas married John Rolphe on April 5 in 1614. Pocahontas was a princess, which meant that on Thanksgiving the while tribe came for dinner. John spent half his life out shooting turkeys.

Retired general Colin Powell was born on April 5 in 1937. The last time Powell used a military weapon was January, when he cleared the snow off his driveway with a flame-thrower.

Love & Learn

WellNews - A quick weekly roundup of the latest wellness, fitness, and medical news.

TV Closeup: Julia Louis-Dreyfus - Louis-Dreyfus plays divorced working mom Christine Campbell in the new sitcom “The New Adventures of Old Christine.” The real-life married mother of two tripped over the pilot script purely by accident.

Grammar Matters - A new grammar puzzler every week. For kids and parents. Check it out.

Today’s Household Hint.

Remember, common baking soda removes pet odors—but not if they’ve been dead too long.

Et al.

Our dog thinks we're his friends. Our cat thinks we're his staff.

I stick my foot in my mouth so often, I'm beginning to develop a taste for Odor Eaters.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Baseball, Mules, Chinese Truckstops

Big News

Barry Bonds and President Bush highlighted opening day major league baseball games on Monday. Ironic, since the only weapons of mass destruction the Bush administration has come close to were sticking in Barry Bonds butt.

Barry Bonds is making so much money, when he retires they'll hang his uniform in a Swiss bank.

Baseball players have money, women, and a lavish lifestyle. And they got it the old-fashioned way -- not preaching on TV.

Terrific Tuesday

Mule Days are this week in Columbia, Tennessee, the Mule Capital of the World. Highlight is when the Mule Queen, Miss Mule, rides a mule in the big Mule Days Mule Parade. This is a lot of fun because nobody ever enters the Miss Mule Pageant and the winner has to be honored by force.

On April 4 in 1932 Professor C.B. King of Pittsburgh discovered Vitamin C. Vitamin C is ascorbic acid; and if you don't get enough of it, you'll be scorbutic and never be famous for your award-winning mucous membranes.

Love & Learn

Designer Hybrids Are Becoming Hot Dogs - Okay, so you don't want a poodle. But how about a schnoodle, a spoodle or a labradoodle?

Jazzercise Founder Loves Her Job - Jazzercise founder Judy Sheppard Missett is joining the Enterprising Women’s Hall of Fame.

Now, today's on-the-road-again healthy dining tip:

Remember, if you ever eat at a Chinese truck stop, avoid the chicken-flied duck.

Maybe if Adam had taken Eve out to dinner once in a while, she wouldn't have been buying Black Market apples.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Clap Hands Say Who?

Big News

The Major League season begins. How do you get the fans pumped up for a game? Hold a Barry Bonds look alike contest. (Alan Ray)

Don't tell anybody, but when I watch baseball on TV, I don't stand for the national anthem.- Neither does my dog.

Some baseball players will make more money this year than Mexico.

Marvelous Monday

Monday is singer Wayne Newton's birthday. They used to call him "Mr. Las Vegas." Now they call him "Grandpa Branson."

Elvis recorded "It's Now or Never" on April 3 in 1960. It was exciting back then, He was just out of the army; he was still young and thin; he could still wiggle his hips without help from the Jordanaires.....

In Virginia on April 3 in 1614 John Rolfe married Pocahontas. The bride wore a gown of white buffalo skin with a beaded bodice and a veil of hummingbird feathers. Unfortunately, on her way down the aisle, she got a feather up her nose and sneezed through the entire ceremony.

Dancer Sally Rand was born on April 3 in 1904. Sally was one of the first Americans to become rich and famous by taking off her clothes. Today, nobody would even notice her.

Love & Learn

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah Causing a Stir - This band is on the verge of stardom. Remember when Howard Dean was hot? He was so independent, so refreshing, so filled with vision. So completely untested. Well, meet Clap Your Hands Say Yeah.

Romance Common in Today's Offices - That's no surprise, given today's work environment. There are more women in the workplace, and time spent in the office has grown by leaps and bounds.

Archer Speaks His Mind and Hits His Targets - Frank Addington Jr., was 18 and attending a Pumpkin Festival in West Virginia when his mentor and hero tossed a Pepsi can into the air and told him to hit it with an arrow from his bow.

Thoughts While Dressing

Nothing is impossible -- except refolding and pinning a new shirt and sticking it back in the plastic bag.

I say enjoy those golden years. Hey, you're only old once.

And remember, when you mail in your income tax, be sure to write your Social Security number on your arm and leg.

Temporary workers for today's blog were supplied by Illegal Alien Services, an equal opportunity exploiter. The opportunity is equal but the pay isn't.