Remember to Reset Your Rooster!

Big News

American reporter Jill Carroll was set free in Iraq Thursday, nearly three months after being kidnapped in an ambush that killed her translator. She said she was not tortured, so U.S. talk radio called her a liberal mainstream media diva who never reports any good news from Iraq.

Funtastic Friday

Al Gore is 58 on Friday. Tipper's giving him a complete set of new exercise equipment. She thinks he'll especially like the George W. Bush Punching Bag.

Otto Ringling, the famous circus impresario, died on March 31 in 1911. It was Ringling, you'll recall, who invented the 3-ring circus. Though, of course, Congress perfected it.

Cesar Chavez was born on March 31 in 1927. Chavez was the leading figure in the movement to unionize grape pickers. When it came to grapes, Chavez was top banana.

The Philadelphia Zoological Gardens were established on March 31 in 1859. In those days, people had to go to the zoo to observe animal behavior because there were no rock concerts.

Daylight Saving Fun-Liners

We switch to daylight time this weekend. Don't forget to reset your teenagers.

Love & Learn

How to Know When Kids Should Miss School - Junior wakes up in the morning complaining of a stomachache and he feels a little warm. Is he too sick to go to school? Here are some tips to help parents make a diagnosis.

Smoothie Shops Are Popping Up All Over - The $2.50 latte now has a competitor. The smoothie, once a natural foods store staple, is the new indulgence for health-conscious consumers willing to spend $3 and up for blenderized fruit, yogurt and nutrition supplements.

Films in Focus: New Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Inside Man, Tsotsi, V for Vendetta, She's the Man, Find Me Guilty, and others.

Impossible Thoughts

Nothing is impossible -- except living down the church pot luck when you walked in carrying your wife's Better Than Sex Pie upside-down.

And remember, it's not whether you win or lose the game, it's how close you get to stand to Vanna.

Platonic Companions by Frigidear!

Big News

Queen Elizabeth on Wednesday knighted singer Tom Jones. As usual, when Tom bowed, his pants ripped.
- Queen Liz giggled so hard her hat fell off.
- Tom picked it up ... another rrrrrip!

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Doctors' Day. It's a day for everybody to honor doctors, since nobody can afford to pay them.

Here's how to honor your doctor:
* Decorate your appendix scar.
* Volunteer for unnecessary surgery.
* At the golf course, donate a new hole in his or her name.
* Break one of your most expensive bones.

On March 30 in 1842, anesthetic was used during surgery for the first time. Before that they used whiskey. The doctor kept drinking until the patient's screaming didn't bother him anymore.

On March 30 in 1855, some 6,000 people voted in a Kansas election, even though the state had only 2,000 registered voters. This country has such a glorious history it just brings a lump to your throat. Or to your head, depending on to whom you express your opinions.

Love & Learn

Sweet Thang! - Things sure are sweeter now that sugar substitutes have gotten better. And it's a good thing for the average American who slurps up 152 pounds of sugar a year.

Breast Cancer Basics - Here are some facts about breast cancer every woman should know.

New Sports Drink; Chocolate Milk? - When a workout wipes you out, what do you do for a lift? Guzzle Gatorade? Drain the nearest water bottle? Or soothe your parched palate with a shot of chocolate milk?

Now, today's music discussion question:

When she hits 50, do you think Madonna's lips will sag?
- Honest. They say even now it takes her three days to pucker up.

Ignorance is when you don't know anything -- and someone else finds out.

Platonic companions for today's blog were supplied by Frigidear. For a cool companion who's seriously sick of sex, call Frigidear today.

Love the Children Day

Big News

Andrew Card says he wants to return to "private life"... but to be any more private and secretive than he was in the White House, he'd have to move to Guantanamo Bay. (Jake Novak)

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is Love the Children Day in Texas, a day to recognize every child’s right to be loved, enacted by the Texas Legislature in 2002.
- What could be easier than loving a child? Even us Texans can do that.

On March 29 in 1936 Adolph Hitler got 98.7% of the German vote. Which, of course, he took as a mandate to go insane.

On March 29 in 1867 the British Parliament created the Dominion of Canada. This meant Canada was completely independent, and free to make its own mistakes.
- But for Canada, independence had little meaning until 1949, when it was finally recognized by the Newfys.
- Today, Canada is a world leader with its own queen -- Celine Dion.
- I just said that to start a fight.
- English-speaking Canada still bows down to Anne Murray.

Niagara Falls stopped falling on March 29 in 1848. An ice jam blocked the river above the falls for 30 hours, leaving scores of honeymoon couples with nothing to do.

Love & Learn

More Vets Practicing Holistic Healing - As with human medicine, an increasing number of vets who practice holistic healing based on ancient Chinese methods are finding their profession is far more open-minded than even a few years ago.

TV Closeup: Edie Falco - If you think Carmela Soprano - the long-suffering but intrepid wife of a ruthless Mafia don on "The Sopranos" - is tough, try her alter ego, Edie Falco.

Thoughts While Protesting

People get upset about Mexicans coming into this country and taking our jobs. I think I've figured out why this is happening -- they're willing to work.

I went to Mexico once. Spent three days in a border town called Nuevo Kaopectate.

Gas Prices and Spit

Big News

Retail gas prices across the country climbed an average of nearly 15 cents in the past two weeks. The oil companies need the money. They're having to hire illegal aliens to climb up and change the prices every other day.
- They use to use to use long poles with suction cups, but changing prices so often takes way too much spit.

Terrific Tuesday

Tuesday is Weed Appreciation Day. Find a weed you think you could like. Think of it as a wildflower and see if that helps.

Reba McEntire is 52 on Tuesday, but she's still going strong. Reba's the type of fiery, down-home classy lady who'd make any good ole boy wash his truck twice a week -- and switch from snuff to sugarless gum.

On March 28 in 193 A.D. the Emperor Pertinax was forced into early retirement. He was beheaded.
- You could say it was done to reduce overhead.
- Since only his body was left, he needed fewer bodyguards.
- And earmuffs

Love & Learn

More Vets Practicing Holistic Healing - As with human medicine, an increasing number of vets who practice holistic healing based on ancient Chinese methods are finding their profession is far more open-minded than even a few years ago.

Health - SafetyMaking Your Home Safer for Children - Families may see their residences as safe havens in an increasingly dangerous world, but they may be facing hazards in every room of their homes.

Thoughts While Under Sedation

Hospitals are so high-tech these days, you can now give a urine sample simply by dialing Caller I-P.

My home town was a little bit country -- and a little bit Stephen King.
- The main tourist attraction was the lump on the mayor’s forehead.

And remember, if you took all the parking meters downtown and laid them end-to-end, you'd be in jail faster than you can say, "Guinness Book of World Records."

Steady Diet of Confusion

Big News

The immigration debate is heating up in the U.S. Senate. Pressure is really on after the House passed a bill that makes everybody illegal except Native Americans.
- That'll never work. There'd be nobody left to lose money at the casinos.

Marvelous Monday

Ponce de Leon saw Florida for the first time on March 27 in 1513. He was searching for the Fountain of Youth. Actually, Ponce did find the Fountain of Youth, but he decided not to drink from it when he also saw an old Indian bathing his buffalo in it.
- When Ponce finally landed in Florida he was so happy he fell on his face and kissed an alligator.
- That was the last time Ponce ever fell on his face in Florida.
- Ponce was governor of Florida for a while. But the Seminoles didn't like him. In 1591 they killed him. Which had very negative effect on his political career.

Nikita Khrushchev became premier of the Soviet Union on March 27 in 1958. Khrushchev is best-remembered for removing his shoe at the UN and banging it on the desk. His performance won the fashion designers' award for Best Matching Wardrobe: the hole in his shoe matched the hole in his head.

Singer Mariah Carey is 36 on Monday. What a voice. Mariah can hit notes that make mockingbirds sit down and shut up.

Love & Learn

Steady Diet of Confusion - Conflicting diet studies are everywhere, what’s a health-conscious person to do?

Bo Knows It's Peace, Love and Rock 'n Roll - Bo Bice was a hit on “American Idol” last season. Now he has a recording contract with RCA-BMG and his debut CD, “The Real Thing,” includes songs written by Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora of Bon Jovi, and Chad Kroger of Nickelback.

Films in Focus: New Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: V for Vendetta, She's the Man, Find Me Guilty, and others.

And now, Words to Live By,

,,, another inspiringly inspiring inspirational thought from Sister Price-Fister, reader-adviser-plumber to the stars:
- Never Give Up! Remember, even when Adam was thrown out of the Garden of Eden, he didn't quit. He turned over a new leaf.

I've got nothing against the rich getting richer, but I am against the government helping them do it.