Thursday, March 23, 2006

Severe Silly Warning!

Big News

The NCAA tournament continues. A final four appearance is a win-win for a university. The school gets millions of dollars in revenue. The players get a slap on the butt. (Alan Ray)

Fabulous Friday

On March 24 in 1989 the Exxon Valdez spilled 12-million gallons of oil off the Alaskan coast. Inspiring the bumper sticker, "Friends Don’t Let Friends Drink and Drive A 12-Million-Gallon Oil Tanker."

Elvis Presley became a private in the U.S. Army on March 24 in 1958. Just think, if Elvis had stayed in the army he might be a sergeant-major by now. And way too fat to get into or out of a tank.

Harry Houdini was born on March 24 in 1874. I suppose you could call it his first big escape.
- He was the first baby ever born blindfolded, with his hands tied behind him.
- Harry's mother said it was a very painful delivery. Said she felt like she'd been sawed in half.

Clyde Barrow was born in Texas on March 24 in 1909. In 1933 Clyde reached #1 on the Top Ten. The FBI Top Ten. If he were alive today, Clyde would be guaranteed a Barbara Walters interview.

Love & Learn

E-Mail Fees? It's No Joke! - Charging businesses for e-mail could wind up costing consumers in the end, advocates say.

Tween 12 and 20 - Compasssionate daily advice for teens from Dr. Robert Wallace on everything from dating to depression to making smart choices.

This just in:

The Surgeon General today announced that stepping on cigarette butts may cause cancer of the sneakers.

Thoughts While Gargling

I'm not going to come right out and say that I'm ready for heaven, but I am looking forwad to not flossing after every meal.

The preceding blog is not available in any store. At least, not yet. We have been approached, however, by a couple of junk yards

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Monkeying with Evolution

Big News

An Army dog handler was sentenced Wednesday to six months behind bars for using his snarling canine to torment prisoners at Abu Ghraib. Iraqis wanted the guy sentenced naked to Abu Ghraib, but it didn't happen. The judge was Republican, so even the dog had to wear clothes.

Thrilling Thursday

On March 23 in 1925 Tennessee passed a law forbidding the teaching of evolution in public schools. In those days, lawmakers believed the biblical version of creation simply was not something to monkey with.
- But they took the case to court and the monkeys won.

On March 23 in 1986 Joseph Shury of Toronto set a world record by playing his flute continuously for 61 hours. He would have played even longer; but if he didn't stop, his neighbors threatened to tar and feather his lips.

Patrick Henry gave his famous "Give me liberty or give me death" speech on March 23 in 1775. Right before they hanged him he fired his speech writer.

Love & Learn

More on the Danger of Mercury Poisoning - The EPA and the FDA have issued an new alert to update a 2004 advisory about the danger posed by mercury in fish and shellfish.

Professional Golf Tips - Pick up easy ways to improve your game every week from Tina Michaelson.

Today's deep space weather report

No meteor showers in sight, but watch out for those random plasma particles. Once they get into your exhaust pipe, you'll be picking them out the next 10,000 light years.

Thoughts While Watching Backyard Birds

Will we ever get a health-care plan in this country? I mean, we can't all marry Canadians!

I wanted to be a singer, and I tried it once. And the birds left, the sun went out, the rivers and lakes dried up.
- So I became a blogger.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

If Mama Ain't Happy...

Big News

A jury found an Army dog handler guilty Tuesday of abusing detainees at Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison by terrifying them with a military dog. The dog howled against his handler in return for a lighter sentence and a couple of doggie treats.

Researchers say they've shown for the first time that treating a mother's depression can help prevent depression and anxiety disorders in her child. In other words, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
- Four out of five kids involved in the the study said, "Well, duhhh!"

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is International Goof-Off Day, a day to just goof off, act silly, and try not to accomplish anything worthwhile. In other words, pretend you're a politician.

The British passed the American Stamp Act on March 22 in 1765. This made George Washington so mad he threw his teeth at the governor.

On March 22 in 1990 George-Daddy Bush declared that he was President of the United States and didn’t have to eat broccoli if he didn’t want to. Of course, that’s just a fond memory, now that he’s no longer president — and Barbara makes him eat it.

Congress outlawed polygamy on March 22 in 1882. Hey, that's personal! What a husband and his 37 wives do in the privacy of their own home is nobody's business. Whatever happened to choice in this country?

Love & Learn

Fitness Forum - Teen who once devoted his afternoons to video games, now spends his time in the gym. And he's revamping his diet.

Travel: Every Room in This House Has a View - Tasmania's new Avalon Coastal Retreat is an architectural dream house for vacationers.

An Introduction to ClickBank - For those who "eek out" a living online, Clickbank is one of the core resources used to generate cash flow.

Thoughts While Downloading

Actually, you don't have to read all those software agreements you have to click before installing new computer programs because they're all alike. The company's not responsible for anything and you are responsible for everything.

The good news is I dreamed I was marooned on a desert island with the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. The bad news is they were the 1960 Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Stop & Smell a Republican

Big News

Paul Tagliabue is retiring as NFL commissioner after more than 16 years on the job. Rumor says President Bush wants to appoint Harriet Miers.

Donald Trump announced Monday on national television his wife Melania had given birth minutes earlier to a boy. He was so excited, you'd thought she had the kid on Oprah's couch.
- At last report, Trump hadn't fired either one of them ... yet.
- Hopefully, the kid has his mother's hair.
- Ears. Nose. Personality...

This just in. An angry mob of germs that cause bad breath today stormed the Listerine factory in Piedmont, Nebraska. Police are lobbing in boxes of Clorets, but fear the action might make the factory taste mediciney.
- More on this story as we make it up.

Terrific Tuesday

Actress Rosie O’Donnell is 44 on Tuesday. Rosie collects McDonald’s Happy Meal figurines. And in the process developed a McDonald’s Happy Meal figure.
- Everybody likes Rosie. She’s cute enough to be the Pillsbury Doughboy’s sister.

This is Poison Prevention Week, a good time to throw out the last of that leftover Thanksgiving turkey.

Remember, to prevent poisoning, when petting your rattlesnake, never tickle his rattles.

On March 21 in 1962 a bear became the first creature to be ejected from a jet plane at supersonic speeds. The bear survived, but they could never get his hair to lay down again.

Love & Learn

New Golf Leagues Long for Team Play - If Bob Aube's dream is realized, the National Golf League would emulate the NFL and NBA.

Thoughts at McDonalds

If fast food isn't good for you, how come lions are so healthy?

Hey, it's spring, time to plant those radishes ... those onions ... those golf tees.....

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Stop & Smell a Robin!

Big News

The Dallas Cowboys have signed receiver and havoc wreaker Terrell Owens. If Jerry Jones continues to make decisions like that, Republicans may want to run him for President.

Marvelous Monday

Spring begins Monday at 1:26 p.m. EST in the Northern Hemisphere; autumn begins in the Southern Hemisphere. Day and night are equal.

Spring Fun-Liners

It’s spring, so I guess the cast of "Desperate Housewives" will be switching to their pastel lingerie.

On March 20 in 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono. The wedding photographer recommended a heavy-duty veil.

On March 20 in 1964, Barbra Streisand opened in "Funny Girl." She didn’t take the advice of having a nose job -- but if she ever does, Michael Jackson wants the old one.

Love & Learn

Points on Pets - A veterinarian answers readers questions about their pets.

Films in Focus: New Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: The Libertine, Failure to Launch, Block Party, Eight Below, 16 Blocks, Neil Young: Heart of Gold, Freedomland, others.

Thoughts While Weighing

You know you're getting too fat when the baby is sitting on your lap and you can't find him.

Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life. This, of course, is only a statistical estimate and the actual first day of the rest of your life is subject to change without notice.

Guests on today's blog receive the exciting new self-help book entitled, How to Control Embarrassing Foot Odor by Stomping Grapefruits.