Rudolph's Nose Shorts Out

Big News

President Bush wants to increase the size of the Army and Marines. So what's he going to do? Draft their mothers to provide home cooking?
- Or just add lard to the beer?
- It probably would taste better.

The Pentagon wants another $100-billion for Iraq and Afghanistan. They need one more big pay day for Halliburton before the Democrats take over.

This just in from the North Pole. Santa Claus announced today he will stay the course and deliver toys to all good little Republican boys and and their girlfriends.
- Assuming Rudolph can get his nose rewired in time.
- Dumb reindeer keeps sticking his nose in the wrong place and blowing fuses.

Love & Learn

Decor Score - The artful way to decorate a home.

WellNews - All the news that's fit. A different look at health and fitness news, fun facts, and trivia.

Sports Fact - Number 7 brings luck in Pro Football Hall of Fame ... Sports Fact - Football won over chariot races in Pasadena ... Sports Fact - NASA astronaut makes historic drive.

Home How To - Tips for do-it-yourselfers: Caring for your silver ... Cleaning cultured marble ... Chimney flashing.

Shallow Thoughts

Everyone gets something for Christmas. Rich people get gifts and poor people get tax forms.

I must be losing my mind. Every time I walk into a mall I hear bells.

Mistletoe for today's blog is supplied by Marvelous Marvin's Mood Mistletoe, gathered by Malaysian monks from the mysterious mononucleosis tree and guaranteed to turn bright orange when Mr. Right attacks you under it.
- Available at participating Conoco stations.

Peace on Earth and WHAT!?

Big News

Inflation at the wholesale level surged by the largest amount in more than three decades in November, reflecting higher prices for gasoline and a host of other items. Americans aren't worried -- they fully plan to emerge from bankruptcy as soon as they receive all those mail-in rebates.
- Of course, they're counting on getting the rebates before they change identities to avoid paying off the credit cards.
- Hey, in America, timing is everything.

Donald Trump will let Miss USA keep her title. In return, Tara Conner promises to check into rehab and never throw up on The Donald's hair again.

Love & Learn

A Greener View - Pick a winner for your flower and vegetable gardens from the 2007 All-America Selections winners.

To Be Equal: Bell Shooting - The recent tragic police shooting of 23-year-old Sean Bell near a New York strip club on the morning of his wedding gave Mayor Michael Bloomberg a golden opportunity to show off his race-relations skills and for Rev. Al Sharpton to prove he could reach out across the aisle in hopes of defusing a potentially explosive situation.

Today's Health Scene - Vagus nerve stimulation therapy: Surgical relief for depression

TV Closeup - On “ER,” John Stamos plays Tony Gates, an emergency medical technician who happens to be a Gulf War veteran with dyslexia and serious temper issues.

Classic Christmas Toys - As a public nuisance, we proudly recall another of the All-Time Classically Questionable Christmas Toys

Opinion: Lumps of Coal - It's becoming a common recipe: Take a bumbling bureaucrat, add the Baby Jesus, and stir.

Shallow Thoughts

How about Osama's Christmas message: "Peace on Earth and Death to Americans!"
- Sometimes I think Osama's turban is screwed on too tight.

Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just choose stuff you wouldn't be caught dead in.

I'm old fashioned. I like to go in the woods and cut down my own tree -- and stay in the woods until after Christmas.

I was planning to start my Christmas shopping last week, but I couldn't find my red kettle.
- Great way to earn extra Christmas money.

First, God created beautiful sunrises, but nobody got up to look at them. So he created babies, telephones, and garbage trucks.