It's Fun at Work Day, Hamas!

Big News

After Hamas won a landslide 76 seats in the Palestinian Parliament this week, President Bush reiterated the U.S. will not deal with terrorists. And if they bring 'em on, we'll stay the course.
- But if Hamas says anything peaceful, our eavesdroppers will certainly take note of it.

Fabulous Friday

Friday is Fun at Work Day, a day for laughter in the workplace

"Laverne & Shirley" premiered on ABC-TV on January 27th in 1976. I miss Lenny & Squiggy. Nobody on TV today can match Lenny & Squiggy -- not even Regis and What's Her Name.

RCA Records released Elvis Presley's "Heartbreak Hotel" on January 27th in 1956. Heartbreak Hotel was down at the end of Lonely Street, where the bellhop's always crying and the desk clerk's dressed in black. It was like renting a mausoleum vault with a king-size bed, no bath, and continuous live funeral coverage on cable.
- But it had a great beat for dancing, so the world gave it a 95.

Thomas Edison received a patent for an incandescent lamp on this day in 1880. Did you ever wonder, before Edison invented the light bulb, what flashed on in his head when he got an idea?

Love & Learn

Children and Movies - Children love movies. Children need movies. Just not all movies. Fortunately, the Internet can help parents know which movies are best for kids, like these three great sites.

Thoughts on an Empty Stomach

I'll never fly Redneck Airlines again. Can you imagine how embarrassing it is to land with everybody's feet sticking out the windows?

My stomach consumes 47 times its own weight in excess cookies.

If fast food's not good for you, how come lions are so healthy?

I stopped to eat at a truck stop once -- but my gall bladder wouldn't get out of the car.

Real Raccoon Romances

Big News

President Bush visited the ultra-secretive National Security Agency on Wednesday. He told them he'd been listening to their phone calls since 9-11 and they're ordering way too much pizza.

Scientists have discovered the world's smallest fish with a see-through body and no skeleton in an Indonesian swamp. Sounds like the perfect supermodel for Calvin Klein's new fragrance, Eau de Swamp.
- That story sounds a little fishy to me

Pop star Michael Jackson was spotted wearing a robe and veil at a Bahrain mall on Wednesday. Probably didn't want anybody to see his itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot pajama pants.
- Michael's a shew-in for this year's Nobel Weird Prize.

Thrilling Thursday

Traditionally, January 26th is the day raccoons mate. So if you see a raccoon running down your street carrying flowers and a box of candy, mind your own business.

Hockey's Wayne Gretzky is 45 today. The Great Gretzky has won every hockey honor there is, including selection for five consecutive years as Mouth of the Year by the Society of Canadian Orthodontists.

On January 26th in 1984, while he was filming a Pepsi commercial, Michael Jackson's hair caught fire from a smoke bomb. It was the first time anybody called Michael a hot-head.
- He had to go straight to Heads 'R Us and buy a hair patch.
- And since they had a sale on noses....

Bullnanza is this weekend in Guthrie, Oklahoma. For two days everybody rides bulls. then for two weeks everybody walks funny.

Golf & Learn

How to Improve Your Golf Practice - Most golfers, regardless of their ability level, waste their practice time. Here are tips to help you make real progress.

Thoughts While Trimming Nose Hair

After you have a nose job, and you get a cold, does the new nose run normally, or do you have to install a little nasal sump pump?

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It's when we all climb into the car and, as a family, yell at the other drivers.

I'm middle-aged, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

Men and Women and Spitting

Big News

Samuel Alito's Supreme Court nomination is on its way to the full Senate. By week's end, he'll be sworn in and Justice Sandra Day O'Connor will be presented a pair of gold engraved pantyhose for her trip home to Arizona.
- By Valentine's Day, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be suffering from GOBSS -- Good Old Boy Stress Syndrome.

Wonderful Wednesday

Wednesday is Drive Through A Poor Neighborhood and Wave At the Children Day.

Wednesday is St. Paul's Day; and if the sun shines, it means we'll have a good year. Unless the groundhog sees his shadow in nine days, which means six more weeks of winter. Unless it rains on St. Swithin's Day, in which case all your woolly-bear caterpillars will probably drown in the flood.

Wednesday is Clash Day, a day to liven up the dead of winter by wearing your wildest, most uncoordinated color combinations. Hot pink and orange are great, or green and purple. And who cares what you wear with makeup that wild?

Al Capone died on January 25 in 1947. Capone's illegal activities reportedly made hundreds of millions of dollars a year. Yet, believe it or not, despite becoming history's most successful crook, Al Capone never held public office.

Love & Learn

Country Kitchen - Life Lessons from the Three Little Pigs.

Thoughts about Men and Women and Shoe Horns

Do men really spit more than women, or could it be that women are closet spitters?

Now, Today's Riddle

- What's the difference between a tongue depressor and a shoe horn?
- The flavor.

Remember Jeremiah Peabody?

Big News

Ford Motor Company said Monday it will cut up to 30,000 jobs and close 14 facilities by 2012. Big deal.. By 2012 autoworkers won't be able to afford gas to get to work anyway.
- By 2012, if cars don't run on water, most of us will be saving up for a 4-cylinder horse.

Terrific Tuesday

Singer Ray Stevens was born in Clarksdale, Georgia, on January 24th in 1941. Ray's first big hit was called "Jeremiah Peabody's Polyunsaturated Quick Dissolving, Fast Acting, Pleasant Tasting, Green and Purple Pills." It started a whole new era of serious music about drugs.

Today's Incredible Ray Stevens Trivia Question:
- Is there any musical instrument ever invented in the history of the world that Ray Stevens cannot play?
- No.

Ray Stevens also is the only musician in history to play "In the Mood" on a chicken.

On January 24th in 1978 a UFO crashed near Yellowknife in the Northwest Territories. It turned out to be a Russian satellite, but the Mounties arrested it anyway.

On January 24th in 1922 Christian Nelson of Onawa, Iowa, invented the Eskimo Pie, which was a brick of ice cream covered with delicious dark chocolate and may be hazardous to your waistline.
- By the way, even if there's no health warning on the label, don't eat the stick.

Love & Learn

Organic Gardening Is Cool - Gardening can add more quality and quantity to your life. And organic gardening is so much fun you may even forget what's bothering you.

Thoughts While Clicking the Remote

Could it mean something significant if, when you turn on the Fox network, the cat leaves the room?

You know a movie is gonna be gory when they sell the popcorn in air sick bags.

It's a great trade-off: a weekend of skiing for a lifetime of handicapped parking.

Who Went to War Half Topless?

Big News

A new poll shows most people, particularly senior citizens, are having a hard time understanding the new Medicare prescription drug program. President Bush urges seniors to stay the course, and maybe the government will figure it out soon.
- If you have to have a stroke or something, just ask a friend to save your place in line.
- But please remember, the government doesn't negotiate with geezers.

Marvelous Monday

Topless dancers were banned from the U.S. Army on January 23rd in 1980. Well, actually, they were banned from U.S. Army service clubs. They could still join the army if they wanted to.

Today's exciting topless military trivia question:
- Have troops ever gone into battle topless?- Well, sort of. The ancient female warriors of Scythia always went into battle half-topless. In order to draw her bow with greater precision, each Scythian warrior burned off her right breast.
- It was a Scythian warrior, by the way, who first uttered the phrase, "War is hell."

On January 23rd in 1994 the Dallas Cowboys defeated the San Francisco 49ers for the NFC championship. During the game, quarterback Troy Aikman was knocked cuckoo and couldn't even remember what brand of chewing tobacco he swallowed.
- He probably got between Jerry Jones and a TV camera.

On January 23rd in 1986 Chuck Berry, Elvis Presley, and Fats Domino were the first inductees into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. Elvis couldn't be there, so Fats ate his award.

Love & Learn

Add Spark with a Romantic Getaway - Need some tips for adding new spark to your relationship? Look no further: here are some suggestions for romantic getaways that will heat up your romance in no time.

Today's dating tip for guys

To impress your date, always open the car door for her. Unless, of course, she's leaning against it.

Thoughts on the Bunny Slope

I'm not skiing down any mountain without a net under it.

I've never been insane, but I've been in Las Vegas and that's close enough.

If Shania Twain is typical country, drop me off at the nearest cow patty.

Heartburn for today's blog was supplied by Flipper's Fast Fish, the fantastic fast fish franchise featuring fabulous French fried flounder fins.
- Sunday's Special: Save 70-cents on super sardine sticks sautéed in sweet and sour sauce.