Two & A Half Immature Guys

Big News

Actor Charlie Sheen is close to finalizing a new salary pact for "Two & a Half Men" that would make him the highest-paid comedy star in television. Reportedly, it's still not enough to pay sober grownups to watch the show.
- I saw "Two & a Half Men" once. Honest. The kid was the most mature character on the show.

September 29th Now & Then

The State Fair of Texas begins today in Dallas. That’s the fair with the 52-foot "Big Tex" statue that talks with a slow drawl like a real Texas cowboy in both English and Spanish. When Tex drawls in Spanish it’s a little like a St. Bernard trying to bark Chihuahua.
- Big Tex shakes his head from side to side like a real Texas cowboy. Fortunately, unlike real Texas cowboys, Tex does not chew tobacco and spit.
- At least, not yet.

The U.S. created the Regular Army on this day in 1789. Before that, the U.S. had to make do with an irregular army. And no nation could feel secure with an army suffering from irregularity.

Singing cowboy Gene Autry was born on this day in 1907. Roy Rogers was "King of the Cowboys," but Gene could buy the kingdom.
- Gene wasn't your average singing cowboy. He was the only one who rode into the Country Music Hall of Fame on a red-nosed reindeer.

Singer Jerry Lee Lewis is 71 today. Even at 71 the Killer can still rock. And Jerry Lee always adapts, so with the tremors of age creeping in, he’ll probably record, "Whole Lot More Shakin’ Goin’ On."
- Jerry Lee could always shake my nerves and rattle my brain. Of course, in my case that's easy, since I always had rattley nerves and a shaky-achy-breaky brain.

To Learn

Health on Wheels - Be ready with a car emergency kit that includes an AM/FM radio, medicated spray, bottled water and a first-aid kit.

Points on Pets - Corneal ulcers may lead to eye removal.

Film Closeup - Josh Hartnett plays police officer Bucky Bleichert in the crime thriller “The Black Dahlia.”

Sports Unlimited - Movie about the rise and fall of New York's Cosmos has lessons for MLS.

Shallow Thoughts

Wow, all the network promos make the new TV shows sound so bizarre, you really can't wait to miss them.

If our society ever stops glorifying criminals, maybe we'll proceed to the next step -- stop electing them.

There is more than one way to skin a cat. None of which I want to hear about. Ever!

Why do the leaves fall? That's easy. So the grubworms can have some privacy while they're reproducing.

Gosh, I'm great. In fact, if I had just a smidgen of humility, I'd be perfect.

Absolutely Vital Information

Big News

Oscar winner George Clooney is shrugging off suggestions he might run for political office. Probably because good actors don't have to go into politics to make a living.

September 26th Now & Then

This is National Pickled Pepper Week, a great time to practice that famous old tongue-twister: If Pitter Peeper pecked a pick of peppled pickers, where's the pack of peckled pippers Pater Picker pooped?

Galvanized steel shoes were patented on this day in 1922. They were guaranteed never to wear out, but they squeaked so loud it was hard to hear a dance band.
- And it was impossible to tiptoe up the stairs or through the tulips.

Book matches were patented on this date in 1892. Immediately, they became a popular advertising medium, especially with advertisers who wanted to reach smokers, campers, and arsonists.

William the Conqueror set sail from France on this day in 1066. Most conquerors had boats, but all William had was a sail.
- When he got to England, William was all wet.
- William the Conqueror had no problems conquering England. In that respect, he was pretty much like everybody else.

To Learn

Lifewire - A little bit of workout goes a long way.

Opinion: Violent Video Games - Methinks Ms. Pac-Man would not approve.

Lloyd Grove: Gossip - Photog says 'E.T.' money an alien idea ... Connie Chung on Katie Couric...

Berries on the Brain - Strawberry preserve: Anti-oxidant-rich strawberries may help keep the brain healthy as we age.

Today's health tip:

Remember, never put salt on your blood pressure pills.

Shallow Thoughts

After the first couple of children, most marriages are held together with Play-Doh.

I figure, if evolution really was a valid theory, modern-day monkeys would act more depressed.

Mongeese, Skinks, and Republicans

Big News

The Bush administration will not confirm reports that Osama bin Laden has died. Mostly because Republicans don't have anybody else ready to hate. If they find the body before election day, they'll just have to prop him up and hope for the best.

They say Osama bin Laden is a pretty fair musician. His favorite songs are "Whiskey River, Take My Mind," and "On the Road Again."
- He plays hump-pipes. Which sound a little like bag-pipes, only worse.
- They're not that hard to make -- once you find a deaf camel....

September 26 Now and Then

Today is Mongoose Hunters Day on Gorda, one of the smallest Virgin Islands. Originally, they brought the mongooses to Gorda to kill the skinks, which were all over the place. Now the skinks are gone but the mongooses are all over the place.
- Okay, maybe it's "mongeese." I'm not an expert on this stuff. I don't even know what a skink is.
- But I don't think I'd want one sleeping at the foot of my bed.

William the 2nd became King of England on this date in 1087. Some people called him Rufus. His wife called him Ruf. When she yelled at him, the neighbors thought she was a dog.

The Arkansas Old-Time Fiddlers Championship is this week in Mountain View. An old-time fiddler is one who brings his cat along so he'll always have fresh strings.

Olivia Newton-John was born on this day in 1948 in Cambridge, England. But when she was five, Olivia moved to Australia, the home of her ancestors. In fact, it was Olivia's great-great-grandfather, Sir Isaac Newton-John, who discovered the law of Australian gravity one day while sitting under a eucalyptus tree -- and a koala bear.

To Learn

I Can't Believe I'm Quilting - From the basics to step-by-step lessons to walk you through a series of six small-scale projects designed to build your skills.

A Greener View - Can this hollyhock be saved?

The Alert Consumer - Taking home entertainment to the next level, developers are adding electronics to their house plans.

Pop Talk: New Music Full of Spit & Vinegar - Hank Williams III isn’t afraid to let his anger be known, whether it’s toward his record label or toward promoters.

Now, today's Hollywood Hotline:

Rumors are rampant that in her next film Miss Piggy will do a nude bath scene. Insiders say, however, that's just a bunch of hogwash!

Shallow Thoughts

Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it's probably a campaign commercial.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall let you go ahead of them in the checkout line when you only have two items.

Osama and Fruit Flies

Big News

A leaked French intelligence document raises the possibility Osama bin Laden died of typhoid. Nobody's sure, though, because bin Laden has looked dead for 20 years.

Time magazine also says Osama bin Laden gave up the ghost. Time says Osama's ghost was already past its expiration date.
- And even ghosts get tired of nothing but hump burgers and goat's milk.

Reportedly, bin Laden didn't want to live anymore after the arrest of his idol. Osama had dreamed some day he and Warren Jeffs could get together and swap wives.

September 25th Now & Then

TV journalist Barbara Walters celebrates her 75th birthday today. She considered interviewing herself, but she didn't want to make herself cry.

Ethan Allen was captured attacking Montreal on this date in 1775. Nobody knows why Ethan was attacking Montreal, since the war was in Massachusetts.
- He should have been back home in Vermont protecting his statues.

On this day in 1513 Vasco de Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean and claimed it for Spain. Unfortunately, Balboa didn't have enough barrels to move the Pacific to Spain, so he just had to leave it where it was.
- Besides, Spain already had enough water to get by.

Thomas Morgan was born in Lexington, Kentucky, on this date in 1866. Morgan won the Nobel Prize in 1933 for discovering the "crossing-over" phenomenon by which gene-linkage on a fruit fly chromosome is occasionally broken. Heck, I knew that.
- I mean, to occasionally break a fruit fly's chromosome gene-linkage, all you've got to do is whack him with a fruit fly swatter.

To Learn

Travel and Adventure - Go to Memphis for the music.

In Fashion - Guilty pleasures: shoe trends for fall.

Digital Television: You Got Questions? - This is the first year that we're buying more HDTVs than traditional analog sets. If you're considering buying a new TV, you probably have lots of questions. Here are some answers.

Shallow Thoughts

I love the fair, the corny dogs, the greazy French fries. All the way home you can hear your arteries hardening.

You know all those rides at the fair that go round and round in circles? Ever get the feeling they're operated by the government?

Ever notice how really weird people are? Like, most people never take a shower with their clothes on, yet they always keep 'em on in the rain.