Do Not Eat the Easter Bunny!

Big Bias

Instead of a traditional American air strike against Iran, how about something that might work? Instead of bombs, why not drop radio talk show hosts?
- What could be more scary than that?
- Call it "Preemptive Insanity."

Iran won't have nuclear weapons for years, but in the meantime their scariest weapons are camels and I-E-Hs -- improvised explosive humps.

A Great Good Friday

Friday is Good Friday, the oldest Christian celebration, commemorating the crucifixion of Jesus.
- It's also National Go Fishing Day, which seems appropriate.

Good Friday is the day Christians mark the trial and crucifixion of Jesus.
- On the morning of Jesus' trial, a Roman aristocrat sent a note to the governor of Jerusalem that said, "Have nothing to do with this just man, for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of Him." The note was written by Claudia Procula, the only person to defend Jesus on that first Good Friday -- the wife on Pontius Pilate.
- So that's our lesson for today, men. To heck with the experts, the politicians, and the masses -- for best results, listen to your wife!

Good Friday begins the Easter weekend. It’s a time for parents to pick up a new basket and plenty of Easter eggs. And to remember the main thing on Easter Sunday -- not to let the chocolate bunny melt all over the new Easter outfit.

Easter Fun-Liners - Christians should not have a long face on Easter --- it's the happiest day of the year!

Love & Learn

Younger Next Year Sequel Promotes Women's Health - "Younger Next Year for Women" is in a sense a sequel to a book that already began to turn back readers' biological clocks more than a year ago.

In Fashion: Supersize Your Options - This year, bigger is better. It's no surprise that it's the right time to supersize. You don't even have to worry about calories. Here are some of the biggest fashion hits on the menu this season.

DVD Select - Newest and best available on DVDs, including "An Unfinished Life," "The Greatest Game Ever Played," "Deep Blue," "The Laurel & Hardy Gift Set," "Pooh's Grand Adventure," and others.

Thoughts While Hiding Eggs

Eggs have cholesterol. Chocolate is fattening. At Easter, about the only healthy thing to eat is the Easter Bunny.

Darn, I wish I had MTV. I hate to miss the Three 6 Mafia Easter Special.

Easter is a day for dressing up and looking your best -- kind of like Halloween in reverse.

A Bird Mumps Pandemic?

Big News

Governor Mitt Romney on Wednesday signed into law a landmark bill designed to guarantee virtually all Massachusetts residents have health insurance. Unfortunately, a last-minute rider provides for a wall around the state to keep immigrants out.
- Darn! And I already traded my Celebrex for a bus ticket to Worcester.

Health officials said Wednesday two infected airline passengers may have helped spread Iowa's mumps epidemic to six other Midwestern states. Thank goodness. I was afraid it was the dreaded Bird Mumps.
- Or even worse, Mad Cow Mumps.

Fun April 13 History

Thomas Jefferson was born on April 13 in 1743. Jefferson invented the swivel chair, the folding bed, and Chicken-a-la-King. He introduced the waffle to America, wrote the Declaration of Independence, and played the fiddle. He also was president of the U.S., but nobody's perfect.

The Great Chicago Flood started on April 13 in 1992 -- when Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicked a hole in the Chicago River.

The first elephant arrived in America on April 13 in 1796. They waited until spring to bring him so he wouldn't catch a bad cold. There's nothing worse than an elephant with a runny trunk.

Former Texas Governor Bill Clements was born on April 13 in 1917. Clements is the only candidate who blazed the campaign trail with a rubber chicken as a mascot. It wouldn't work anywhere else, but in Texas it got him elected twice.

Love & Learn

Aging Lifestyles: Living with Post-Polio Syndrome - The National Center for Health Statistics estimates there are 440,000 polio survivors in the United States. Out of these survivors, 25 percent to 50 percent may experience PPS sometime in the coming years.

Subaru Tones Down Impreza - Subaru's Impreza WRX TR is an unpretentious sport sedan. It has speed, safety and simplicity for an all-you-can-drive price of $24,620.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Take the Lead, Friends With Money, Thank You for Smoking, Ice Age: The Meltdown, and others.

Today's pointed question:

Do porcupines believe in acupuncture, or do they just like to stick it to each other?

News you can boo:

A Fort Worth man who claims two thugs shoved a dictionary down his throat is suing them for putting words in his mouth.

So what do you think? How many Americans this very minute are carrying a 22-caliber cell-phone?

Trade Your SUV For a Horse?

Big News

Gasoline prices are surging again with summer on the horizon, pushing or even passing $3 a gallon in some places. Many Americans are so upset they're threatening to get a horse -- if they can find one with air, automatic, and anti-lock brakes.

This week an intruder made it on to the front lawn of the White House when President Bush was home. Dick Cheney took a shot at the guy, but missed and killed a tree.

Merry April 12th

On April 12 in 1833 Charles Gayler of New York City patented the fireproof safe. It was very expensive. The only people who could afford a fireproof safe were people with money to burn.

The U.S. Civil War began on April 12 in 1861. Hundreds-of-thousands died for the worthiest of all causes — to save liberals and conservatives from having to compromise.

This is the Week of the Young Child, which by the way is my favorite kind. I never cared much for old children. Especially middle-aged babies.

Napoleon poisoned himself on April 12 in 1814. He got so sick he wished he was dead.- For failing to kill himself, France gave Napoleon 2-million old francs ($1.49) and his own deserted island, and told him to get lost. His wife, Empress Marie Louise, also told him to get lost, but she didn't give him anything.

Love & Learn

Medication Safety: Parents Should Pay Closer Attention - More than half of feverish children are given incorrect doses of medicine by parents, and overdoses have almost tripled in the last 20 years.

Discovery - Learning about your mind and body to keep fit, healthy, and mentally alert. A new focus every week.

Today's Parenting Tip

Remember, if you're playing catch with your children, don't throw them too high.

Another issue concerning Americans is the legality of assassinating Osama bin Laden and other suspected terrorists. In other words, in our quest to have the lion lie down with the lamb, is it okay to shoot the lion?

An autopsy on today's blog will be performed by Poke-Around Pathology. Call Poke-Around, when you care enough to know the very worst.

Is Polygamy Contageous?

Big News

The White House on Monday tried to play down reports that they were considering using nuclear weapons in Iran. President Bush is reminding everyone that he still needs to get Saudi Arabia’s permission. (Jake Novak)

That the White House is considering an attack against Iran would be big news, of course, if it wasn't for the fact that Bow Wow and Ciara have split.
- I don't mind telling you, I am flabbergasted!
- I hope it's an amicable split. I'd hate to hear Bow Wow call Ciara a dog.
- And to those who have no idea who Bow Wow and Ciara are, congratulations! You're all gown up.

Fun Stuff

Tuesday is Barbershop Quartet Day. Back home we didn't have a barbershop quartet. We did have a shoeshine boy who yodeled.
- But for a big tip he'd hush.

The World Cow Chip Throwing Championship is this week in Beaver, Oklahoma. It's one of those odd-ball sporting events that everybody enjoys but nobody wants to shake hands with the winner.

This is Rattlesnake Hunting Week in Waurika, Oklahoma. They expect 20-thousand hunters. The top three will qualify for the Olympic Snake-Hunting Team.
- And a chance at a gold rattle.

Iowa imposed the first state cigarette tax on April 11 in 1921. Nobody complains about the cigarette tax. Non-smokers think it's a great idea, and smokers are too out-of-breath to complain.

Love & Learn

Parent Care Resources - Sometimes, exhausted Dutiful Children need to let their fingers do a bit of the work. This collection of Web sites that specialize in aging-related topics may help.

Patterns of Faith - For thousands of years, people all over the world have relied on the leaves of the henna plant, from which the dye is derived, to color their hair and decorate their skin. But it wasn't until the last 10 years the dark orange-colored skin stain went mainstream in the United States.

TV Closeup: Bill Paxton - Bill Paxton portrays Bill Henrickson, a home improvement retailer in suburban Salt Lake City juggling three wives in the comedy “Big Love.”

Pop Talk: Beth Orton - In the late ‘80s, Beth Orton found herself performing on the Lillith Fair tour, but she also found it to be a “painful experience.” Now she is finding the “Comfort of Strangers.”

Today's Travel Question Screaming For An Answer:

If you vacation in Utah, can you be absolutely certain that polygamy is not contagious?

Today's banana tip from the National Association of Banana Tippers.

An easy way to mash a banana is to squeeze it before peeling it. Then just pinch off the end and wonderful ready-to use mashed banana squeezes right out like toothpaste.
- Try it, kids -- next time you're at the supermarket.

Today's blog is brought to you by Pepsonase, the exciting new nosepaste for a cleaner, fresher nose. Brush regularly with Pepsonase and your world will smell twice as good -- as soon as you stop sneezing.

Happy Grits Week!

Big News

Republican Senator Arlen Specter said Sunday President Bush and Vice-President Dick Cheney should speak publicly about their involvement in the CIA leak case so people can understand what happened. Cheney immediately invited Spector to go quail hunting.
- We know because Bush leaked the phone conversation to Fox News.
- Which is okay because the President has authority to declassify a phone tap.

Marvelous Monday

This is Grits Week in St. George, South Carolina. Grits is a Southern dish that most people agree tastes better if you don’t look at it when you eat it.
- It is absolutely wonderful, though, if you’re primary goal is a fun food fight.

Monday is sportscaster John Madden's birthday. John will spend the day, as usual, on his bus touring the country, searching for his dream—a hardware store with an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- John never gets to eat his birthday cake. By the time he's through explaining how he's going to blow out the candles, the cake's on fire.
- Last year, not only did John blow out the candles, he also blew off the frosting.

Actor Steven Seagal was born on April 10 in 1951. He’s not a great actor, but he’s a martial arts specialist so you have to be careful what you say. His ambition is to break Roger Ebert’s thumbs.

Lindsay Dodd set a record in England on April 10 in 1976 by walking backwards 80 miles in 24 hours. That's over 3½ miles an hour -- which is fast enough when all you can see is where you've been.

Learning Fun Stuff

Pop Talk: Beth Orton - In the late ‘80s, Beth Orton found herself performing on the Lillith Fair tour, but she also found it to be a “painful experience.” Now she is finding the “Comfort of Strangers.”

Cup of Questions - Major League Soccer is in its 11th season, and as always for a professional soccer league in this country the mission remains the same: Keep moving forward, or at least keep moving...

Thoughts While Listening to Talk Radio

Where do moral people get the idea that everybody else is immoral?

I don't own a leaf blower, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm anti-wind.

Remember, there is no morning after pill to reverse the results of drunk driving.

Today's blog is brought to you by Junk-For-Less, the discount store where everything is cheaper every day than it will be tomorrow.
- And remember, by offering inferior merchandise, we'll be able to pass the savings on to us.