Easy on the Green Beer!

Big News

U.S. forces and Iraqi troops have launched the largest air assault in Iraq in three years. The question now is, can we defeat Iraq with Iraq's own troops helping us?
- Iraq is a nation with no air force, no navy, and it's army is on our side! Three years later, we still can't win!
- You don't suppose this is why the dumb French thought it was a bad idea? (HaBlog)

Congress agreed to let the government borrow another $781 billion Thursday. Which should be almost enough to pay Halliburton until Tuesday. (HaBlog)

Funtastic Friday

Friday is St. Patrick's Day, a national holiday in Ireland.

The World’s Shortest St. Patrick’s Day Parade is held in Maryville, Missouri. The parade route gets shorter every year, down now to about 86 feet.

St. Patrick’s Day honors the Saint who drove the snakes and the sinners out of Ireland. The sinners came back.

Not all Irishmen wear green on St. Patrick's Day, but they always drink enough beer to look green the next day.

Everybody will be wearing green. You practically have to wear green. On St. Patrick's Day it's not easy not being green.

Go easy on the green beer. It's not as pretty coming back up.

Sunday is Buzzards Sunday in Hinckley, Ohio, the day the buzzards return. Nobody knows why the buzzards return. From all indications even the buzzards aren't sure.

Love & Learn

How to Be Happy - Four simple tips to help anyone get their life back on track.

Today's question for the ACLU:

By driving them out of Ireland, did St. Patrick violate the snakes' civil rights?

Thoughts While Resting

I tried working out, but it didn't work out.

Today is such a fantastic day it makes me feel like I wish I did.

Absolutely Incredible Kids!

Big News

Saddam Hussein called on Iraqis Wednesday to stop killing each other and instead fight U.S. troops. Iraqis aren't that stupid, of course, so they'll probably go on killing each other.
- Hopefully, the ones that survive will sell us some oil.

This this in. The ACLU today filed suit claiming it is unconstitutional to use a cross to repel a public school teacher who is a vampire.

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Absolutely Incredible Kid Day, a day to write notes of encouragment to the incredible kids in your life

This is Buzzards Week in Hinckley, Ohio. Buzzard Sunday is the day most Hinckleyites watch the skies for the first buzzards of spring. Real buzzard lovers wave dead meat.
- Real buzzard lovers are frequently mentally weird and have been known to smoke feathers.
- The buzzards used to return to Cleveland, but they got tired of the inner city and moved to the suburbs. In Ohio, they call that "buzzard flight."

Thursday is St. Urho's Day, a special day for Finns who are jealous of the Irish for having so much fun on St. Patrick's Day.
- According to legend, St. Urho chased all the grasshoppers out of Finland and saved the grapes. Everybody celebrates by wearing purple and spiking the grape juice. If they do it right, they're much too sick to celebrate with the Irish on Friday.

Love & Learn

Pregnancy Countdown - Trapped in pregnancy land: Quirky questions pregnant women ask.

Now today's health tip for children who want their parents to stop smoking.

Kids, next time you're in the car, stick your bubble gum in the cigarette lighter.

Thoughts While Watching Basketball

I love basketball. Basketball is a game of graceful skills, like Shaq O'Neal ... squashing heads under the basket.

Julius and Mbongo

Big News

A federal judge says he will order Google to turn over information about online pornography to the Department of Justice. Federal lawyers apparently aren't allowed to Google on their own without parental controls.- Hey, I'm not either.

Mike Wallace said Tuesday he will retire as a regular correspondent on "60 Minutes" this spring. CBS was shocked. He's only 117 years old.
- But Mike wants some time each week to stop and smell the roses -- instead of Andy Rooney.

Wondrous Wednesday

Wednesday is the Ides of March. On this day in 44 B.C., Julius Caesar was assassinated. "Beware the Ides of March" is probably the most famous saying we have about Ides.
- Except for the one that goes, "The Ides of Texas Are Upon You."
- Ides better be going now.

Mbongo, history's heaviest gorilla, died at the San Diego Zoo on March 15 in 1947. Mbongo weighed 670 pounds, and it was kind of sad because the other gorillas made fun of him. They'd laugh and yell, "Mbongo, you big ape!"

What do you do when a 670-pound gorilla walks into the room?
- Just be cool -- and try not to go bananas.

Love & Learn

Manufacturers Face Hurdles in Digital TV Race - Consumers confront a mind-boggling array of choices when they arrive at stores to buy a high-definition TV.

Today's exciting gardening tip:

Remember, keep your compost heap moist this time of year. That way, on a windy day, your entire neighborhood can enjoy it.

Et al.

This week on TV: The first sign of spring comes to All My Children -- a robin sleeping in someone else's nest.

Republicans say they want to be fair and cut programs all across the board. The poor get their welfare cut, the middle class get their social services cut, and the weathly get their taxes cut. So everyone shares equally.

Of Mad Cows & Peeping Toms

Big News

A cow in Alabama has tested positive for mad cow disease. No word yet on when the cow will appear on "Good Morning, America."
- She may want to appear on "The View" first.
- Probably depends on what she's mad about.

Terrific Tuesday

Albert Einstein was born on March 14 in 1879. Too bad he's not around today. With that hair he'd make a great boxing promoter.

On March 14 in 1794 Eli Whitney patented the cotton gin. Thank goodness. Otherwise, we’d all have seeds in our Levis.
- And our Jockey Shorts would be all lumpy.

Love and Learn

Traveling Chefs Can't Stomach Airline Food - So how do professional foodies like chefs cope with the salty, high-fat, calorie-bloated meals and snacks served at 40,000 feet? It never touches their lips.

Today's incredibly intriguing but true accurate correct fact:

Did you know there are 6,500 windows in the Empire State Building, and that's enough to keep a Peeping Tom busy for 18 years?
- And remember to forget where you heard it.

I'm ready to start doing my taxes. Had the priest over last night to bless my calculator.

The Underwear Nature Intended

Big News

A new poll says Americans are worried about government secrecy. A second poll reveals four out of five Americans have no idea what's going on unless it's announced on "American Idol."

Many of the nation's students are celebrating spring break this week. That’s when kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity.

Marvelous Monday

Joseph Priestly was born on March 13 in 1733. Priestly discovered oxygen. Before that, people just breathed whatever flew up their noses.

More than 6,400 Utah sheep died mysteriously on March 13 in 1968, apparently when deadly nerve gas escaped from an Army test site at Dugway Proving Grounds. The Army denied the report, claiming the sheep were known communists and probably committed suicide just to embarrass the U.S. government.

Today's Exciting Nerve Gas Trivia Question:

What is nerve gas anyway?
- The most powerful nerve gas is fluoromethylpinacolyloxy-phosphone oxide, an invisible odorless vapor that is rapidly absorbed through the skin, breaks down the nervous system, and causes death within 15 minutes. Not available without a prescription, use only as directed; keep this and all nerve gases out of the reach of sheep.

Love & Learn

The Joy of Dying - People in the 19th century learned to live their lives in the light of the prospect of death. And they thought it was really a sign of maturity to live as one who was prepared to die.

A Heavy 'Coat' for Jenny Lewis - Jenny and the Watson Twins are on tour. Her first solo album is “exactly the way I wanted" … and the "the burden is on my shoulders."

Through Thick & Thin - A daily family comic strip by Ralph Smith.

Et al.

Aren't you glad there's a seven-day waiting period before you can have a Monday?

I was into rap music years ago. Every time I started to sing, my music teacher would rap me upside the head.

Underwear for today's blog was provided by Natural Valley Granola Shorts, the underwear nature intended.