Ivan the Terrible & Regis

Big News

Israel bought two more German-made nuclear submarines Thursday. Iran immediately announced it will also buy a nuclear submarine as soon as it can figure out how to strap one on a suicide bomber.

The Little League World Series continues. Little League is so exciting. Kids who are Little League superstars today will be playing for the (Texas Rangers) in a few years -- or the (Royals) this year.

August 25th in Fun History

Ivan the Terrible was born on this date in 1530. But Ivan wasn't so terrible at first. That started when he began cutting teeth -- and breast feeding came to a screeching halt.

Regis Philbin is 73 today. Since it's his birthday, Regis probably won't let Kelly say anything.
- As usual, everybody at the party will have a blast with the Kathie Lee piñata.

Singer Billy Ray Cyrus is 45 today. "Achy Breaky Heart" was his biggest hit, but his fans think he’s still pretty hunky. Even if can't clean his ears with his pigtail anymore.

Actor Sean Connery is 76 today. I can see him now: "My name is Bond ... Grandpa Bond!"

Love & Learn

Seattle to Show Off Ancient Scrolls - A world-premiere public viewing of the Dead Sea Scrolls comes to the Pacific Science Center in Seattle this September.

TV Closeup - The 58th annual Emmy Awards will be hosted by late-night talk show host Conan O’Brien.

Nursery Set that Grows with Baby - Baby furniture is expensive, and little ones will outgrow it almost before it's paid for. This do-it-yourself nursery set is designed to provide an affordable alternative.

Shallow Thoughts

I consider my boss a father figure. And that really irritates her.

You can tell it's August. The weather is red hot and the (Royals) are stone cold.

Today's blog is brought to you by Taco Town, a great place to gas up.

Hanky Panky History

Big News

A biotech company reports finding a new way to make stem cells without destroying embryos, touting it as a way to defuse one of the country's fiercest political and ethical debates. Of course, whether the debate continues may depend on whether the new stem cells are available at Wal-Mart.
- Putting all the Mom & Pop embryo producers out of business.

August 24th in Fun History:

On this day in 1814 the British Army burned Washington D.C. Fire investigators immediately suspected arson.
- When the fire broke out, Congress quickly adjourned -- after passing a $70-million emergency appropriation for marshmallows.

Charles Revson died on this day in 1975. In 1932, with a $300 investment, Revson founded Revlon, the world's largest manufacturer of cosmetics and perfume. Which showed great foresight. In 1932 who possibly could have known the world would soon be filled with so many ugly, smelly people?

On this day in 1966 Tommy James and the Shondells were awarded a gold record for "Hanky Panky." To be honest, now that I'm older, I don't find it that rewarding.

The British burned the White House on this day in 1814. Americans called it a heinous crime, but the British said they were merely exercising their freedom of expression.

Love & Learn

Dear Doug: Senior Advice - Reader is indeed, in need of friends.

Money and You - Rethink your retirement plans.

Travel and Adventure - The Smokies' well-known haze won't faze fall-foliage fans.

DVD Select - Newest and best available on DVDs, including Just My Luck, Sketches of Frank Gehry, From the Big Apple to the Big Easy: The Concert for New Orleans, Silent Hills, Phat Girlz, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Marathon Man, and others.

Today's exciting redneck tip:

Remember, a thick coat of Bud-Lite brushed on twice weekly will keep moths out of your velvet Elvis picture.

Shallow Thoughts

I've had the shakes ever since my canary switched to rap.

It's not that I mind mowing the lawn, I just hate to tamper with the ecology.

Enough John Mark Already!

Big News

John Mark Karr Tuesday waived extradition to Colorado to face first-degree murder charges in the JonBenet Ramsey case. He was wearing an orange jail jumpsuit and handcuffs -- sure to be the hot new fall fashion trend.
- I bet Madonna's already ordered hers

August 23rd in Fun History

Movie sex symbol Rudolph Valentino died on this day in 1926, but many fans don't believe he's really dead. In fact, one great-grandmother in Memphis swears she sees Valentino every day feeding the squirrels at Graceland.

Actress Barbara Eden is 72 today. She was the sexy genie on TV's "I Dream of Jeannie." And even at 72 she still has all her mystic powers -- but she had to get a bigger bottle.

Hoot Gibson died on this day in 1962. Hoot was Hollywood's first stunt man and did his own stunts in dozens of cowboy films. Most stars were not allowed to do stunts for fear they might get hurt. But nobody seemed to give a hoot if Hoot got hurt.
- Hoot was one of those early black-and-white movie cowboys who always stuffed their pantlegs inside their boots and looked like they were wearing lipstick. Even their horses could barely keep from giggling.

The Visigoths took Rome on this day in 410. It doesn't say where they took it. But it's not big deal since, obviously, they brought it back.

Love & Learn

Boomeritis - Baby boomers beware: Biking, basketball and baseball may be hazardous to your health.

To Be Equal - Hurricane Katrina showed America's disparity.

Decor Score - Gain ground on a soaring space.

Quebec's Country Pleasures - In its vast land area twice the size of Texas, the province harbors rural and coastal charms that captivate any season of the year.

Today's intriguing cosmetic surgery question:

If you have liposuction, should you put it under your pillow for the Fat Fairy?

Et al.

Summer will soon be over and the beach girls will be storing away their swimsuits -- in their old lipstick tubes.

I can't take this weather. I ran out of sweat two weeks ago.

My Strained Psyche

Big News

President Bush said Monday the Iraq war is "straining the psyche of our country." So, America's got a strained psyche -- and the President's got a goofy speech writer.

The University of Texas has been selected as the nation's number one party school. Unfortunately, the Longhorns were so hung over, nobody showed up to hook the award.

August 22nd in Fun History

Republicans nominated Eisenhower and Nixon for re-election on this day in 1956 at San Francisco's Cow Palace. Everybody cheered, except the cows. They mooed.
- They were probably Democrats.

At Bosworth Field on this day in 1485 King Richard the 3rd tried to swap the entire United Kingdom for a horse. But he was killed before he could close the deal.
- Actually, the best offer he got was two sheep and a retarded donkey.
- Richard the 3rd was the last of the Plantagenets and was killed by the first of the Tudors, who became Henry the 7th after finding Richard's crown hanging in a tree. In those days, royalty was a lot of fun.

State fairs are beginning to begin this week throughout America. It's an annual ritual featuring cotton candy, Ferris wheels, and fat ladies.
- And millions of parents wasting their breath trying to convince their children they have no chance of winning a giant stuffed banana.

Clara Barton founded the first American Red Cross chapter on this day in 1864. Clara expected a large turnout for the grand opening, so she fried up a huge batch of doughnuts. I understand the Red Cross still has some of them.

Love & Learn

Marriage and Longevity - Research indicates that people who marry tend to live longer.

Editorial: Lebanon - Cease-fire will measure commitment to peace.

Rules Have Changed for Carry-On Luggage - The new airline carry-on baggage restrictions recently imposed by the Transportation and Security Administration call for some lean and mean packing strategies.

Shallow Thoughts

Why can't somebody invent a device that lets you put people "on hold" at cocktail parties?

You know you're past your prime when you start suffering from air-guitar elbow!

I think yesterday was the first time I ever had my armpits bubble.

Scorpions In An Air Sick Bag

Big News

"Snakes On A Plane" slithered to the top spot in movie box office sales this weekend. A sequel already in the works and guaranteed to out-stink "Snakes On A Plane" is called "Skunks In A Hummer."

August 21st in Fun History:

Singer Kenny Rogers was born on this day in 1939. Kenny achieved what every country singer dreams of: he recorded with Dolly Parton; he had enough hit songs for an exciting TV record offer not available in stores; and the greatest achievement of all -- he married a Hee Haw Honey.

The first puppet show on television was broadcast on station WOR in Newark, New Jersey, on this date in 1948. There are two categories of puppets: marionettes and dummies; and there are two categories of dummies -- Democrats and Republicans.

The Little League World Series is underway in Williamsport, Pennsylvania. It's really exciting. The losers get to play the (Florida Marlins).
- I played Little League baseball one year, but I missed the big game. I got lost in my batting helmet.
- I hated Little League baseball. My helmet was too big, my uniform was too big, my protective cup kept sliding down my pants-leg....

On this day in 1987 the movie "Dirty Dancing" opened throughout the U.S. Proving once again that since every generation thinks it’s completely different, and totally misunderstood by the previous generation, it’s exactly like the previous generation.
- Except maybe its pants are tighter.
- Or baggier.
- Your pants may vary.

Love & Learn

Points on Pets - Biting dogs a serious problem.

On Track Auto Racing - Jimmie Johnson knows how to party.

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science and trivia every week.

Pop Talk: Trevor Henthorn - A man of multiple musical personalities.

Shallow Thoughts

The good news is, as I get older, I still have it. The bad news is there's considerably more of it.

My dog ran away from home. He met someone on the Internet.

Actually, I don't care if baseball players chew tobacco. Just don't let 'em spit!

Another of life’s great mysteries is why, even though the Bible clearly states "beware of false prophets," we continue to listen to meteorologists...