Who Could Forget Black Friday, 2348 BC?

Big News

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are officially separated. Officially, I'm sorry. Unofficially, I don't care.
- Anybody got Jess's number?

Black Friday

The day after Thanksgiving is when Christmas shopping starts getting serious. You can tell at the mall by the guys scalping parking spaces.

You can tell Christmas shopping is kicking into high gear by the number times your kids call you to come watch the commercials during the cartoon shows.

The new toys come with a guarantee -- they're guaranteed to cost more than last year.

Christmas draws ever nearer -- and the ACLU becomes ever nervouser.

Christmas shopping is a great way to help you forget you don't have any money.

Friday is Shopping Reminder Day, sometimes called Black Friday, the traditional beginning of the Christmas shopping season.

Friday is Buy Nothing Day, sponsored by The Media Foundation of Vancouver, British Columbia, who wants a 24-hour moratorium on consumer spending to help get a "runaway consumer culture back onto a sustainable path."

The Great Flood began on Black Friday 2348 B.C. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights until water covered the entire earth. For 100 years a guy named Noah had predicted it would happen, but nobody believed Noah because his forecast was not approved by the National Meteorological Society.
- And even back then, the world preferred to ignore the facts in favor of scientific evidence.

Love & Learn

Losing Weight the Right Way - We are living in a world of dietary confusion, a Land of Oz and make-believe, where facts are hard to find and commercial diets keep us confused and distract us from the truth. Here is a suggestion you just may be ready for.

I love the Christmas season because my kids start treating me so much nicer.

Turkey Day: Time to Gobble It Up

A Day of Thanks

Thursday is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S., by presidential proclamation. Thanksgiving was observed throughout New England as a religious holiday even before the American Revolution. Then it spread to the middle states and the West, and finally to the South after the Civil War.

Thursday is Eat the Cranberry Sauce First So You Can Enjoy Dinner Day.

Thanksgiving. a day to give thanks for all your blessings. And if you can't think of a blessing, how about being thankful you're not sitting on a roadside bomb in Iraq?

Thanksgiving Day in the U.S., a day for families to gather around a table filled with food and give thanks for half-time.

Thanksgiving Day, when millions of Americans set aside half-time to try to find somebody in the family who'll lead in prayer.

Love & Learn

The Importance of Thanksgiving - Thanksgiving is the most important holiday of the year because of the two most important words in the English language.

Today's turkey trivia

The turkey is the dumbest domesticated creature on earth. Yet the turkey, as stupid as he is, has sense enough not to stuff himself on Thanksgiving.

The Pilgrims really had something to be thankful for on that first Thanksgiving. All their in-laws were still in England.

I'm thankful I'm not a caveman. Can you imagine the week after Thanksgiving? Every day the same thing -- leftover sabre-tooth tiger!

Check That Turkey!

Real News

Jose Padilla, a U.S. citizen held without charges for three years, has been indicted on three counts alleging he conspired to "murder, maim and kidnap" people overseas. Why would anybody want to murder somebody, then maim them, then kidnap them? What do you want to bet the whole case gets tossed for backwards charges?

Lines are growing longer at the nation's airports as holiday travelers fly out for Thanksgiving to be with family and friends. This note from the airlines: Unless you're flying first-class, you have to check your turkey.
- He wouldn't enjoy the movie in coach anyway.

No politician can fool all the people. That's why we have the two-party system: Democrats fool half the people, Republicans fool the other half.

Wonderous Wednesday

Wednesday is National Search for the Giblet Gravy Recipe Day.

Wednesday is Thanksgiving Eve, the day to assemble your turkey. And if you got the self-basting kind, don't forget the batteries.

Billy the Baby was born on November 23 in 1859. He grew up to be Billy the Kid.
- Billy was one tough kid. His first baby rattle was still on the snake.
- Billy was a bad hombre. When he walked into a saloon, you automatically leaped through the plate-glass window into the horse trough.

Give Thanks for Laughter

Thanksgiving Fun-Liners - As you might expect, this is a more skewed look at every turkey's least favorite holiday.

It's the holiday season! Let the overeating begin!

I love it when the holidays run together. At one mall, Santa Claus arrived on a huge turkey.
- Man, what a butterball!
- And the turkey was pretty plump, too.

Parting Groans

And remember, whenever you feel the need for real confusion, just call the Help Desk.

Now, today's exciting tip for men who want to make a good first impression. Remember, guys, even if there's music in the elevator, some women just don't want to dance.

Walk It Off! Walk It Off!

Real News

General Motors announced Monday it will eliminate 30,000 jobs and close nine North American assembly plants. Apparently, the idea for the 2-cylinder hybrid Hummer didn't fly.

As President Bush pardons the White House turkey, remember in return for the pardon, the turkey agreed not to gobble against Karl Rove.

This year even turkey pardoning is controversial. Reportedly, hawk conservatives want a resolution encouraging turkey neck wringing.

There are four stages in a politician's career: first they are respected .. then elected ... then suspected ... then convicted.

Turkeytastic Tuesday

Tuesday is National Clean the Oven If Your Mother Is Coming For Thanksgiving Day.

This is National Farm-City Week, a time to promote cooperation between agriculture and big business. To mark the occasion, Xerox will announce it has successfully crossed a copy machine with a pig.
- And produced a domestic farm animal that not only eats paper, but can make up to 60 four-color babies a minute.

Tarzan is 117 years old on Tuesday -- even older in ape years.
- Tarzan still swings around the jungle a little -- he has a special motorized vine.
- Jane got him some Depend loin cloths.
- Every week he goes to see Cheetah at the clinic. Cheetah got hooked on banana daiquiris.
- He went really ape.
- You have to hit bottom to check yourself into a banana abuse clinic.

Love & Learn

Busy Love - She sits on a chair built for a 4-year-old and slips Bible markers into place. The Bible cover has a photo of Jesus and the children. She will be ready to play with preschoolers and, while they play, teach them about Jesus. Every Sunday she's ready, though on most Sundays now no children come.

How to Set a Fun and Festive Thanksgiving Table - Don’t take yourself too seriously; this should be fun.

Pilgrim Trivia - Here are some fun Thanksgiving facts about the Mayflower, the Pilgrims, and the Wampanoag Indians.

Thoughts at Half-Time

Coaches always say, "Walk it off, walk it off!" Your head could be twisted around 180 degrees and the coach would still say, "Walk it off! Walk it off!"

Thanksgiving Day football: that's when the defense stuffs the quarterback.

Hair on today's blog was colored with Preferred by Lorilou, the cheap imitation hair color sold at finer wrestling arenas everywhere. Remember, Preferred may cost a little less, but you're worth it.

We Stuff It!

Real Unmainstream News

President Bush is still trying to convey a tough image. Any day you expect to see him a light beer commercial.

There's a new deodorant called Right-Wing Roll-On. Use it once in the morning and all day long you smell like Tom DeLay.

You have to admire politicians. No matter how much pressure you put on them, they will not abandon their principles and tell the truth.

Harry Potter wove his box office magic this weekend to top the movie charts. "Goblet of Fire" is Harry's first PG-13 film because he's coming of age, has to find a date for the Wizard's Ball, and spend his allowance on booty-shaking lessons.
- Millions of fans flocked to theaters to see if wizards get zits.

Montificent Monday

Monday is Should I Start Thawing the Turkey Day. (USDA hotline 800-535-4555, fsis.usda.gov; Butterball Turkey Talk-Line 800-323-4848, butterball.com).

This is National Family Week, a time for mothers, fathers, children, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews to get together to exchange germs.

Our Pilgrim Fathers signed the Mayflower Compact on November 21 in 1620. Basically, the Mayflower Compact was a short constitution which made everything in the New World a sin. Except hard work and killing Indians.

On November 21 in 1980, 83-million television viewers tuned in "Dallas" to see who shot J.R. I lost a bet on that one. J.R. was so greedy, I really thought he shot himself to collect the life insurance.

Love & Learn

Frugal and Easy Thanksgiving Recipes - Tasty dishes that are also easy on the budget.

A Thanksgiving Turkey Guide: Serving Size, Thawing, Roasting - Here are three guides to follow to help you achieve your perfect Thanksgiving turkey.

Thoughts While Thawing

Freeway driving is a great sport, but don't we need more referees and penalty boxes?

Thanksgiving is my favorite day of the year. I like a holiday you can smell.

Turkeys on today's blog were stuffed by We Stuff It, the fastest turkey stuffers in town.
- Yes, ladies, if stuffing a turkey makes you want to throw up, this year bring your bird to We Stuff It.
- Just stuff it through our convenient drive-through window and we stuff it while you wait. You don't even have to look.
- Not to be confused with Giblets 'R' Us, where they sometimes forget to wash their hands.