Kick the Tail Off the Donkey

Big News

Reversing decades of U.S. policy, President Bush ushered India into the world's exclusive nuclear club this week with a landmark agreement to share nuclear reactors, fuel and expertise. In return, India promised to operate all American help desks and customer service lines with a Texas accent.
- Best deal we've made lately.

Fabulous Friday

The American Salvation Army was founded on March 3rd in 1880. This army is now our major defense against an attack by winos.

On March 3rd in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell spoke history's first words over a telephone. He said, "Watson, hold on, I've got another call."- Watson said, "Can I call you back? I'm in the shower."

Actor Chuck Norris, TV's "Walker, Texas Ranger," is 66 on Friday. At his birthday party, he'll slice the cake with judo chops and play "Kick the Tail Off the Donkey."

On March 3rd in 1972 the Robin Hood Karate Club in England set a record by chopping a piano to bits with their bare hands in 41 minutes. Then, in keeping with the Robin Hood tradition, they gave it to the poor.

Love & Learn

Relaxing the Mind and Boby at Yoga Class - What you're doing in yoga is getting your mind under control, not easy for many. The reason for the breathing and movement and poses is to calm your mind and to get your mind to listen to your body.

Et al.

What this country really needs is a genetically-altered TV talk show host

Yesterday was okay, but today is rotten. And just think, today is the day yesterday would have been if tomorrow came first.

Hug a Welder, but Be Careful!

Big News

Filming on the fourth episode of "Jurassic Park" will start soon. I predict this movie will win a bunch of awards. It's a story about gay dinosaurs. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

CBS Radio has sued Howard Stern, claiming its former shock jock breached his contract with them when he moved to satellite radio. Fortunately, CBS couldn't broadcast Stern's response.

Thrilling Thursday

Thursday is Dr. Seuss Day. Theodor Seuss Geisel was born on March 2nd a long time ago in Springfield, Massachusetts. Theodor Geisel, a.k.a. Dr. Seuss, would say. "Children want the same things we want. To laugh, to be challenged, to be entertained and delighted."

The first U.S. school for the blind was founded on March 2nd in 1829. And today that school is still there, turning out some of the nation's finest umpires.

The only person ever elected governor of two states was born in Virginia on March 2nd in 1793. Though elected governor of both Tennessee and Texas, Sam Houston did not serve a full term in either state. That's the way it is in politics: you stay so busy running for office, you never have time to serve.

March is National Welding Month, so be sure to take the time to stop and hug a welder. Just make sure his torch is pointed the other direction.
- Talk about hot flashes!

Bob Blackmore set a world lemon-eating record in Lexington, Kentucky, on this day in 1977. He ate three lemons, including skin and seeds, in 34 seconds. Then, puckering uncontrollably, he swallowed his lips.

Love & Learn

Cleaning Home Treasures - Basic materials and methods for cleaning home classics.

Now, today's winter safety tip.

Never throw snowballs a passing motorcycle gang.

Et al.

The hostess said, "Do you prefer smoking or non-smoking?" And I said, "I don't really care as long as it's well done."

Poor Anna Nicole & Tonto

Big News

President Bush is flying to India. See, last week he met with American workers. This week he will go to India and visit their old jobs. (Jay Leno)

By the way, even though President Bush may be more popular over there, apparently there's no truth to the rumor he's moving Crawford to Pakistan.
- Although Halliburton would give him a good deal.

With an oil fortune on the line, former stripper Anna Nicole Smith encountered a sympathetic audience at the Supreme Court on Tuesday. In fact, the three oldest justices each got down on one knee and proposed.
- The court recessed a half hour while they got back up.

Wonderful Wednesday

The radio voice of the Lone Ranger died on March 1st in 1965. With no voice to yell, "Hi-Yo, Silver," the Ranger felt he could no longer lead the fight for law and order in the Old West and, instead, made public appearances at shopping malls.
- Tonto still had to wait outside of town since the malls didn't allow campfires.

Today's Exciting Radio Lone Ranger Trivia Question:

Who was the most famous radio voice of the Lone Ranger and what silly sidelights can be added?
- Brace Beemer was the radio voice of the Lone Ranger for 13 years, from 1941 to 1954. The radio voice of Tonto was John Todd, and the radio voice of Silver was Mr. Ed.
- Mr. Ed, in reality Alan "Rocky" Lane, was the first talking horse and should not be confused with Francis, the Talking Mule, in reality Chill Wills, who could cloud men's glasses with his tobacco spit so they could not see him."
- [The preceding trivia is true; only the facts have been changed to protect the easily bored.]

Actor-director Ron Howard is 52 on Wednesday. You know, Ron wouldn't look like such an Opie if he went to another barber besides Floyd.

On March 1st in 1912 Albert Berry made the first successful parachute jump over St. Louis. Well, it wasn't totally successful -- his luggage jumped over Kansas City.

Love & Learn

To Be Equal: Warren Moon - The Pro Football Hall of Fame's first African-American Quarterback.

Opinion & Analysis: Not everyone's taking a shot at Cheney - It is perhaps the understatement of the year to say that jokes about Vice President Dick Cheney are flying about like, well, birdshot.

Thoughts While Daydreaming

Remember, in everybody's best interest, the right thing to do is to spay or neuter your politician.

I can look out my office window and see them: huddled together, shivering against the cold, staring at nothing, cut off from mainstream society. I do feel kind of sorry for smokers.

Mardi Gras Is Breaking Out All Over...

Big News

Republican governors say President Bush's missteps are hurting the party back home. Republican governors would have realized this three years ago if they'd ever stop partying back home.

Don Knotts, who played Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show" has died. Fife was the bumbling character who was only allowed to carry one bullet, in his chest pocket. Or was that Dick Cheney? (Jim Barach)

Fat Tuesday

Tuesday is Mr. Ed Day, marking the "talking horse's" death on February 28th in 1979. The pilot show, entitled, "The Wonderful World of Wilbur Pope" and produced by George Burns, was never broadcast, but TV bosses thought it could be successful with a few changes. The TV series "Mister Ed" first became a syndicated show on January 5th, 1961.
- Ever the optimist, Mr. Ed's final words were, "Don't mourn for me, Wilbur, I'm gonna make the stickiest batch of glue in horse history."

I'd like to remind you that February, our shortest month, ends Tuesday at midnight. So before you go to bed tonight, be sure to turn your calendar ahead one month.
- You'll thank me on Wedneday morning.

Lent begins on Wednesday, so Tuesday is Mardi Gras, Fat Tuesday, a day to sin as much as possible so Lent will be more meaningful. That's not a Christian attitude, of course, but it seems to be a more popular one.

Mardi Gras is breaking out all over. Mardi Gras is a French term meaning Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday is an English term meaning "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

Love & Learn

Food Label Lingo - Mysteries: Why isn't good-to-you ever the same as good-for-you? Dramatic mysteries: What are trans fatty acids, and did U.N. weapons inspectors ever find them? Most consumers need help with food labels.

Thoughts While Shaving

In this day of over-used superlatives, I myself must admit in all honesty to be only moderately wonderful.

Teacher says, "Every time a Republican whines, an angel throws up."

Liver spots on today's blog were supplied by Zits-Plus, featuring the largest line of zits, warts, boils, lumps, cold sores, scars, pimples, dimples, hives, and rashes in town. Remember, blotchy skin is in! Shop Zits-Plus today!
- Blackheads half price while they last.

Neutrons, Protons, and Sir James

Big News

The controversy continues. The White House wants to turn over U.S. ports to an Arab company. That's kinda like a Mexican company operating our Kaopectate factories. (Toms Lake Humor Company)

Mardi Gras is where you eat everything you want and drink everything you want, and then throw it all up for Lent.

Marvelous Monday

Michael Jackson won his first Grammy award on February 27th in 1980. That was way back when he still had his first nose.

Consumer advocate Ralph Nader was born on February 27th in 1934. The circumstances of Ralph's birth were unusual. Instead of an umbilical cord, Ralph was attached to his mother by a seat belt

James Chadwick was born on this date in 1891. You remember Sir James -- the English physicist who discovered the neutron one day in 1932 while playing with his isotope.
- The neutron is simply an uncharged elementary particle a teeny tiny bit larger than a proton. Are you with me so far?
- What you do is, you take a mass of anything and inspect its stable isotopes. If you see about the same number of neutrons and protons, your mass is okay.
- But, if you find a lot more neutrons than protons, you've got a problem -- not to mention a radioactive isotope -- and your mass is a mess.

Love & Learn

Kids Newspaper - Games, rhymes and riddles for children and their parents too.

Neil Patrick Harris Close-Up - Neil Patrick Harris plays Barney in the comedy “How I Met Your Mother” on CBS.

Now, today's exciting popcorn tip.

Keep your unpopped corn in the freezer and you'll get really fluffy popcorn. This phenomenon does not work, however, with Persian cats.

Et al.

Life is sweet. I haven't had a single charley horse since I sold my Thighmaster.

The religious right is a little different. On Sunday they take up a collection for needy Republicans.