Severe Implant Warning!

Big News

The heat wave continues. It was so hot last night rednecks were drinking iced beer.
- And their girlfriends' implants were boiling over.

Katharine McPhee, who joined the "American Idols Live" tour last week after a bout of bronchitis and laryngitis, broke her left foot. Fortunately, she has another one, but the left one was her favorite.

Marie Osmond was hospitalized this week for a bad reaction to medication. She's doing okay, if Rush Limbaugh would stop bugging her for a date.
- Rush just loves women with prescriptions.

August 4th

Baseball’s Roger Clemens was born on August 4th in 1962. He’s the scary-looking fire-baller who never shaves on the day he pitches. The baseball travels faster just to get away from him.

Today is Colorado Day, commemorating Colorado’s becoming the 38th U.S. state on August 4th in 1876. To mark the occasion, at high noon a chorus line of mountain goats will tap dance to John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High."
- It could happen.

Alexander Graham Bell was buried in Baddeck, Nova Scotia, on August 4th in 1922. Bell invented the telephone, the telephone book, and the telephone bill.
- His daughter, Tinker, invented the busy signal.

The ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah are believed to have been destroyed on August 4th many centuries before Christ. Local inhabitants that day apparently paid no attention to the forecast -- fair and very hot with an 80% chance of fire and sulfur.

New at HaLife

The Alert Consumer; Fabulous Freebies - Outfitting a new computer can cost less than you think.

TV Closeup: Sticky Fingaz - Kirk “Sticky Fingaz” Jones plays vampire-hunter Blade in “Blade: The Series.”

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and rating of newly released films: Scoop, The Ant Bully, Lady in the Water, You, Me and Dupree, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, The Devil Wears Prada, Superman Returns, Waist Deep, Click, Nacho Libre, Cars, A Prairie Home Companion.

Now, today's solar radiation observation:

You know you've been in the sun too long when you feel flushed, dizzy, and begin to believe campaign promises.

Seasonal Shallow Thought

Now don't you wish you'd saved some of those goose bumps from last winter?

Award Winning Fat Observation

Big News

Record-breaking heat and oppressive humidity made people across the eastern half of the country miserable Wednesday. It was so hot columnist Anne Coulter was heard proposing incoherently to her computer that Mother Nature be added to the nation's terrorist watch list

It's so dry the main attraction at this year's county fair is female dust-wrestling

August 3rd

Methuselah the rattlesnake died in Hillsboro, Kansas, on August 3rd in 1989. Methuselah was 31, oldest rattlesnake in history. He was so old, at night he had to keep his fangs in a glass of water.

On August 3rd in 1492 Christopher Columbus set sail from Spain. And all across America millions of Native Americans set straight up in their teepees and whispered, "What was that?"
- Some people think Columbus discovered America; some people think Eric the Red discovered it. Most Indians don't think America was lost.

Maggie Kuhn, founder of the Gray Panthers, was born on August 3rd in 1905. The Gray Panthers gave political teeth to older people. And older people are interested in any kind of teeth they can get.

Rossini's opera "William Tell" with its famous overture premiered in Paris on in 1929. Rossini not only composed the opera all by himself, but he was the only one to arrange the music. Yes, friends, Rossini was the lone arranger.
- What I can't understand about the opera "William Tell" is how the conductor can keep from yelling, "Hi-yo, Silver!"

Love & Learn

Parent Care: Accident Prone Not Alone - A reader wrote to say that although her mother would greatly benefit from socializing at a senior community center, she refuses to leave the house because of incontinence issues. She's afraid of accidents.

Editorial: Medication Nation - America has become a nation of pill-poppers, a trend that only will increase as the population ages. In 2004, Americans spent $188.5 billion on prescription drugs and billions more on over-the-counter medicines, vitamins and supplements.

Lloyd Grove: Gossip - "JFK Jr.: The Unsold Story" told anew ... "Entourage" ... Jim Carrey .. Shark Attack.....

Tiger Shows His Human Side - Up to now, Woods has left little room for public spontaneity, his persona instead rooted in the supreme knowledge that the only person who can really beat Tiger Woods is Tiger Woods.

Today's Award Winning Fat Observation:

Some people get fat on top, some people get fat at the bottom, and some people get fat in the middle. I guess it's like they say, "The lard works in mysterious ways."

Cubans, Coffee, and Marsupials

Big News

Tuesday in Cuba was the first day in 47 years without Fidel Castro in charge. Castro's brother was acting premier and immediately ordered all of Fidel's fatigues washed and fumigated.

Blistering heat settled over the eastern half of the nation Tuesday. It was so hot in New York the Statue of Liberty changed into a thong.

August 2nd

John Tyndall was born on August 2nd in 1820. John discovered that heat and molecular motion are the same thing. Which means, to stay cool, all you really have to do is keep your molecules very still.

The first street mail boxes were installed on August 2nd in 1858. There were installed in Boston because Bostonians knew how to write.
- Everybody was thrilled because they no longer had to walk all the way to the post office -- which in those days was in Philadelphia.

On August 2nd in 1820, with hundreds watching in horror, Robert Johnson of New Jersey stood on the Salem Country courthouse steps and bravely ate a deadly poisonous "love apple." And to everyone's amazement, nothing happened.
- Pretty soon everybody was eating love apples, which had been grown in America for years as an ornamental shrub, but no one dared eat the deadly fruit. Today love apples are called "tomatoes."
- Makes you want to run right out and eat a horse apple, huh?
- Well, don't.

The annual Fun Day and Possum Festival is this week in Wausaus, Florida, where everybody has lots of fun playing possum.
- Intellectuals call possums "Opossums," which doesn't really mean anything since most intellectuals have never seen a possum.
- The possum is a marsupial because he has a marsupium. If you have a marsupium, you might be a possum, too. Or you might be a kangaroo or a wombat. If symptoms persist, see your veterinarian.

Love & Learn

To Be Equal - You don't need to be a Warren Buffett to effect change.

FYI Travel, Grenada: Luxury for Less - A $12 million refurbishment following Hurricane Ivan landed Spice Island Beach Resort in Grenada the AAA Four Diamond award.

Film Closeup: Scarlett Johansson - Scarlett Johansson is currently starring with Hugh Jackman in Woody Allen’s “Scoop.”

Coffee's Health Benefits - A good ol' cup of joe or two may be just what the doctor ordered.


Today's unusual but understandable law.

In Nashville it's against the law to carry wire cutters into a guitar store.

Blowtorch Heat & Melted Speedos

Big News

Blowtorch heat blistered the Midwest on Monday, endangering millions of people with outdoor jobs -- including NFL players in training camp, who were forced to fan themselves with their fat contracts.
- In Chicago there was a 40 percent chance your Speedo could melt.
- In Cincinnati you could fry an egg on the sidewalk -- or boil a bluejay in the birdbath.

August 1st

August is National Catfish Month, sponsored by Mississippi catfish ranchers. Catfish ranching is easier than cattle ranching -- but the rodeos are just as smelly.

The first U.S. Navy medical school opened in Brooklyn on August 1st in 1893. It must be really nerve-wracking to practice medicine aboard ship. Every time there's a storm, Navy doctors have to worry about their golf clubs washing overboard.

Francis Scott Key was born on August 1st in 1779. He wrote "The Star Spangled Banner," which was a big hit in 1814 and probably would have won the Grammy for Best Song if it had been a little more upbeat.- When they played "The Star Spangled Banner," everybody stood up but nobody danced.

Today's exciting "Star Spangled Banner" trivia question:
- The War of 1812 inspired Francis Scott Key to write the words to "The Star Spangled Banner," but what inspired the music?
- The music is an old English song entitled "Anacreon in Heaven," inspired by the Greek poet Anacreon, who lived in Athens around 520 B.C. and who wrote exclusively about the joys of wine and women. In other words, the U.S. National Anthem was inspired by a dirty old man.
- Which, I suppose, explains a lot of things.

Love & Learn

Day Care and Dad - For Jack, day care's child's play, but not for Dad.

Faces of War: Healing the Wounds - A missing arm or leg can be replaced with a prosthesis. Things get more complicated when the task is fixing a wounded soldier's horribly disfigured face.
Now, today's exciting lawn-mowing safety tip.

Before mowing, go over the lawn carefully to search for anything the mower might pick up and throw: a rock, a piece of wire, a nail ... a wino.....

Dry Water, Pirates & Witches

Big News

Climatologists say more than 60 percent of the U.S. is in drought. They can't explain it but suggest somebody should keep Al Gore from writing a book about locusts or frogs.
- Or the Mississippi turning to moonshine.

Meanwhile, it's now so dry in Dallas, the water is only wet on one side.
- It was so hot Sunday, guys were standing outside smoking Popsicles.
- Weather like this makes you want to run down to the Dairy Queen, get naked, and barricade yourself in the Dilly Bar box.

"Miami Vice" overtook the "Pirates of the Caribbean" to capture the top spot at the weekend box office. And with what the weekend box office charged for tickets and popcorn, it's obvious not all the pirates were in the Caribbean.

July 31st

The annual Parade of Witches is Monday night in Beselare, Belgium. I suppose "Entertainment Tonight" will have live team coverage.
- They'll probably even do a story on how to avoid splinters while riding a broom in a thong bikini.

Zelda Williams, Robin and Marsha's daughter, was born on July 31st in 1989. You know her birthday parties have fun -- especially when they play Pin the Tail on Daddy.
- Robin may begin acting a little more mature now that he has an older daughter for a role model.

On July 31st in 1845 the saxophone was introduced into the military bands of the French Army. It allowed the French to toot sweet.
- The saxophone was easy for the French to learn. It came with an illustrated manual -- The Joy of Sax.

Today's exciting saxophone trivia question:
- Just who invented the saxophone anyway?
- The saxophone was invented by a Belgian named Adolphe Sax. It was such a success, Mr. Sax moved to New York and opened his own store -- Sax 5th Avenue.

Love & Laugh & Learn

Goofy Exercise Tips - Exercise tips from an expert at avoiding both exercise and tipping.

Video Game Reviews - "'Darwinia" definitely delivers fun. And motorcycle fans can rejoice with "MotoGP 4."

Fitness Forum - Survivor training helps cancer victim bike the extra mile..

Today's totally unnecessary social tip.

When hosting a dinner party, don't bother mentioning whether or not the cat's litter box is dishwasher-safe.

Shallow Thoughts

Teenagers have it made in the summer. No school, no job. They just lay around the pool all day basting their pimples.

Our government leaders put the Constitution in the same class as the Ten Commandments -- they've never read either one.