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Big News

Congressman John Murtha said Thursday the U.S. Army is "broken, worn out," and that "staying the course is not a policy." The Swift Boat Gun Guys of Texas immediately dropped to their knees and begged the Almighty Limbaugh to strike back.
- Now we'll see if Murtha can stay the course.

U.S. natural gas and heating oil companies are planning a rate freeze this winter. You pay their rates or you freeze.

Fabriffic Friday

Friday is Enron Day. The once high-flying Houston energy company filed for bankruptcy on this date in 2001.

Singers Kris Kristofferson and Rita Coolidge were unmarried on December 2nd in 1979. In a traditional divorce ceremony, they unvowed their love, took off their rings, the minister unpronounced them husband and wife, and the bride and her father backed up the aisle.

On December 2nd in 1978 at a double wedding in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, a confused father gave his two veiled daughters in marriage to the wrong grooms. Days later, when Dad discovered the mistake, both girls said it was okay -- they were quite happy with the wrong husbands.- Honest. I don't make this stuff up.- This came right out of the Moslem Enquirer.

Gene Autry's "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" entered the U.S. music charts on December 2nd in 1949. It became a huge Christmas hit, making Gene the first sing cowboy to ride a reindeer into the Country Music Hall of Fame.

Love & Learn

Prayer Priority - What is the role of prayer in a believer's life? What exactly should the role of prayer be in a God follower's life? Does God answer all prayers? What if God never answered one of your prayers? Would you still pray?

Leftovers

It's autumn, alright. I thought I saw a robin. Turned out to be a pigeon wearing a University of Alabama jersey.

And on this day 25 years ago PBS invented the pledge drive and the yawn.

This portion of today’s blog is brought to you by "Milkolas," the exciting new flesh-colored Crayolas specially-designed to color in all those annoying milk mustaches in magazine ads. Available in Caucasian-American, African-American, Hispanic-American, Asian-American, Native-American, and for teenage celebrity mustaches, Acne-American.

Gubmuh-hab!

Big News

President Bush mapped out his Iraq war strategy on Wednesday and set a new record for using the phrase "stay the course." Obviously, there is a serious shortage of clichés at the White House.

President Bush surprised everyone today by nominating Jessica Simpson to the U.S. Supreme Court. He said when he nominated that other guy, he didn't know Daisy would be available.
- And his brother Jeb and Boss Hogg are like peas in an iPod.

This just in. A leading political analyst said Wednesday President Bush's popularity is now so low that by 2008 his own presidential library may charge him admission.

Homeland Security officials say airline passengers will be allowed to carry scissors and tools onboard aircrafts. This is the government's way of saying Martha Stewart can fly again.

Doctors in France have performed the world's first partial face transplant, grafting a nose, lips and chin onto a 38-year-old woman disfigured by a dog bite. In a related story, Michael Jackson was seen in Paris ... face shopping.

Thrilling Thursday

Cookie Cutter Week begins Thursday, sponsored by the Cookie Cutter Collectors Club of Lawrenceburg, Kentucky (502-839-4929).

Thursday is My Husband Strung the Christmas Lights and Now I Can't Open the Garage Door Day, commemorating an alleged actual event described by a radio listener named Mary Jo.

Edwin Lower patented Bingo on December 1st in 1929. Thank goodness. Otherwise, some folks would waste all their money on lottery tickets.

This is National Aardvark Week, a time to appreciate the aardvark, especially the Japanese pot-bellied aardvark. Which can be taught to eat termites with chopsticks.

In Latin, December means the 10th month, which makes no sense at all. But in illiterate Greek, December spelled backwards means "bah humbug," which makes more sense every year.
- By the way, bah humbug spelled backwards is gubmuh-hab, which is Cherokee for "batteries not included."

Love & Learn

Winter Bird Feeding - Looking for birds this winter? Then start preparing in the fall. Otherwise, your yard may remain empty no matter how tantalizing the treats and abundant the offerings.

Essential Laughter - Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.

Odds & Odds

You can tell it's almost Christmas. Burger King is featuring partridgeburgers.

Now, today's exciting breakfast tip for people who need to get a life. Drop an Alka-Seltzer into your cornflakes. When you pour in the milk, it'll sound like you're eating Rice Krispies.

Today's healthy passion tip. Passion is healthy. For example, passionate kissing can reduce plaque above the gum line.

Lilliputians and Brobdingnagians

Big News

President Bush said Tuesday that "it would be a terrible mistake" to pull U.S. forces out of Iraq too quickly. To insure that doesn't happen, he is hiring Michael Brown as Withdrawal Consultant.

Ohio on Tuesday executed a man guilty of two murders. A group called the Swift Microphone Radio Talk Show Hosts wants to know why the guy was only executed once.

Wontastic Wednesday

Wednesday is the Feast Day of St. Andrew the Apostle. Andrew was one of Jesus' earliest followers. He brought his brother, Simon Peter, to meet Jesus. According to tradition, Andrew was crucified for his beliefs on an X-shaped cross.

Wednesday is Stay Home Because You're Well Day, a day to call in well, sponsored by the Wellness Permission League of Lebanon, Pennsylvania (717-279-0184. wellcat.com).

Wednesday is National Mousseless Day, a day to just let your hair do its own thing.

Dick Clark is 76 on Wednesday. He looks 39, but you still have to feel sorry for him. I mean, the poor guy spent all those years on American Bandstand -- all that great music, all those cute girls, 35 years, and nobody would dance with him!

Wednesday is Youth Day in Upper Volta. I think Upper Volta is where the people eat nothing but yogurt and live to be 150. Which means Youth Day is for everybody under 85.
- Maybe that's where Dick Clark is from.

Sir Winston Churchill was born on November 30 in 1874. In 1953 he won the Nobel Prize for cigar smoking.

Jonathan Swift was born on November 30 in 1667. Jonathan wrote Gulliver's Travels, which is all about Lilliputians and Brobdingnagians. Lilliputians are only 1-12th as tall as we are and Brobdingnagians are 12 times larger than we are. Or, Brobdingnagians are 144 times larger than Lilliputians, if you prefer to think about it that way.
- Personally, I prefer not to think about it at all.

Shop & Learn

Great Gift Idea! - This one is for kids, particularly girls, who already have everything.

Odds & Odds

I swapped my dog for an armadillo. The armadillo's not as smart, but the fleas slide right off of him.

You know you can expect a rough winter when you come home and find a woolly bear caterpillar in your crock pot.

And before I go, I'd like to leave you with this final thought. There are no guarantees in life.
- I guarantee it.

Who Discovered the West Pole?

Big News

The trial of Saddam Hussein resumed Monday and was immediately postponed. The former Iraqi president tried to take command of the courtroom, but his loyal followers were too busy outback building gavel bombs.

Blizzards wreaked havoc across the Plains states on Monday. Blizzard consultant Michael Brown delayed jumping into action because delivery of his Action Blizzard Uniform and Cape was stalled under a Kansas avalanche.

Strange Tuesday
Tuesday is Strange Names Day, honoring Julia Roberts' twins, Hazel and Finneas, and all others with "unique" names (sponsored by Marlar in the Morning at 101QFL in Rockford, Illinois. Always the last Tuesday in November).

Fun History

History's oldest cat died on November 29 in 1939. His name was Puss and he was 36 years old. He attributed his long life to not smoking, not drinking, and not cattin' around.

On November 29 in 1929 Commander Richard E. Byrd flew over the South Pole. It was a family tradition. The Byrds always flew south for the winter.

Six months before he flew over the South Pole, Commander Byrd had flown over the North Pole. Byrd was so good at this type of thing, it's a shame there weren't more poles.
- Reportedly, Byrd spent years searching for the West Pole and the East Pole, but he never found them.

Love & Learn

Five Keys to Minimizing Holiday Stress - Often there is an undercurrent of tension that can make the holidays a difficult and dreaded time for some. Here's how to make it more fun.

Thoughts While Shaving

Today's question for sober minds: How come a martini before dinner gives adults an appetite, but a Pepsi will spoil a child's?

I’ve taken so many over-the-counter remedies, I can’t operate heavy machinery ‘till the year 2014.

You know what I really hate -- when a telephone recording calls me and puts me on hold.

Country Music Needs a Wizard

Big News

President Bush will head back to Washington this week -- to pardon the rest of the White House turkeys.

The chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee on Sunday suggested that President Bush use fireside chats to update people on progress in the war in Iraq. To look tough, he could wear his fireman's hat.
- And when there's no progress, as usual, Donald Rumsfeld can do it.

Iraqi police arrested eight men for allegedly plotting to assassinate Saddam Hussein's judge, and former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark arrived in Baghdad Sunday apparently to aid in Saddam's defense. No word yet on when Michael Jackson and Madonna will arrive.
- It's enough to bring Emmett Kelly back to life.

Harry Potter and Johnny Cash topped the movie box off again this weekend. If only Harry had recorded the soundtrack in Nashville, he might have really cleaned up.
- Country music hasn't had a wizard since Grandpa Jones willed his divining rod to Yoko Ono.

Fun History

John Winslow of Gloucester, Virginia, became the world's yo-yo champion on November 28 in 1977. John yo-yo'd for 120 hours. He'd have yo-yo'd even longer but his yo-yo wore in half. And though John was great with a yo-yo, he wasn't that good with a yo.

The unfamous New York monkey trial occurred on November 28 in 1877. The monkey's name was Jimmy Dillio. He worked for an organ grinder and was charged with biting Miss Mary Shea's finger when the lady tried to tickle his nose.
- The judge dismissed the charge and threatened to cite Miss Shea with contempt -- for trying to make a monkey out of the court.

On November 28 in 1902 President Teddy Roosevelt went bear hunting in Mississippi; but the only bear he saw as a frisky little cut that kept trying to play with him.
- Brooklyn candy store owner Morris Michtom read the story and created a stuffed toy animal, which he called Teddy's Bear. Within four years the Teddy Bear was America's best-selling toy, and Michtom founded the Ideal Toy Corporation.
- President Bush goes hunting all the time at his Texas ranch, but so far the #1 toy in America is not a stuffed Dubya Armadillo.

Love & Learn

How to Grow Tobacco, Alcohol, Drug Free Kids - Here are ideas to help parents help their children to stay tobacco, alcohol, and drug free. It's what every parent wants.

Keeping Your Dog Healthy - One of the most prevalent 'diseases' in dogs these days is one that also affects humans.

Odds and Odds

Christmas could be in trouble. I hear Donald Trump just bought the North Pole.

I have a weak stomach. Sometimes I throw up watching too many beer commercials.

I think it’s going to be a rough winter. Yesterday I saw a squirrel fertilizing his tail.