Let's Scare Everybody to Death!

Big News

President Bush said Thursday more still needs to be done to stop the terrorist threat. I don't know what else we can do -- except maybe sign up for duck classes.
- It might help to learn how to duck.
- Fear not, Mr. President. The Good Lord and the Democrats can handle it.

September 8th Now & Then

Today is Pardon Day, marking the day in 1974 when Richard Nixon was pardoned for not being a crook. Hey, I know it sounds weird, but that's just the way politicians think.

The "Tarzan" TV show debuted on this day in 1966. Ron Ely played Tarzan, but there was no Jane—so, of course, the show didn’t last.
- How could it? There was nobody to wash and iron Tarzan’s loin cloth.
- You can’t trust a monkey with a steam iron.

St. Augustine, Florida, was founded on this date in 1565. It was easy to recognize. It was the only town in America.
- The Native Americans would ride by St. Augustine and say, "What's that?"
- And the tribe psychic, Deputy Chief Crazy Goat, would say, "Ugh, that paleface city, future home of many potholes, tax increases, and chicken nuggets."

On this day in 1157, King Richard the Lion-Hearted was born. King Richard was famous for crusading all over the place with a giant sword and a red cross on his chest. He always surprised his enemies because they thought he was bringing doughnuts.

Love & Learn

Sight for Sore Eyes - A new eye surgery lets nearsighted people throw away their glasses and troublesome contact lenses.

Travel & Adventure - Hamburg and Berlin: Germany's big cities on the move.

Points on Pets - Feeding your cat only tuna or only other fish products can eventually cause serious health problems.

Lloyd Grove: Gossip - Getting the goods on Jessica Simpson swag.

Shallow Thoughts

The Dallas Cowboys have a great defense this year. Even an illegal immigrant couldn't sneak through that line.

Of course, I'm no expert on terrorism. In fact, everything I know about terrorism, I either taught myself or made up.

Yea, Suri!

Big News

A new Army manual bans torture and degrading treatment of prisoners. It may not work, though. So far, only a few Iraqi insurgents are lining up to be captured.

Suri Cruise made her public debut Wednesday on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. Two adults also were in the photo, and the few who noticed indicated they may have been her parents.
- Paramount, reportedly, is about to offer Suri a fat movie contract.

September 7th Now & Then

On this day in 1855 the Crimean War ended. The soldiers were all happy to get out of Crimea because they never made any money there. As everybody knows, Crimea does not pay.
- With jokes like that, neither does comedy.

It's Sawdust Week in Spearfish, South Dakota, the largest logging event in the Black Hills. Highlight is the chainsaw throwing contest. And if you think that's dangerous, you should see the chainsaw catching contest.

Anna Mary "Grandma" Moses was born on this day in 1860. She painted her first picture at age 78 and became America's most famous "primitive" artist. In art terminology "primitive" means, when Grandma painted a picture of a horse, it looked like a horse.

Buddy Holly was born on this day in 1936. He was the great rock n' roller who looked like an accountant. To get a record contract today, he'd probably have to pull his teeth, have his chin pierced, and wear his glasses backwards.

Love & Learn

Aging Lifestyles: Paper Bears Bad News - We don't recommend canceling your newspaper subscriptions. But we have some suggestions for older people on how to read papers without dropping into despair.

Autoword: Magnum - What’s not to like about Dodge’s new Hemi-powered $42,000 muscle wagon?

Decor Score - Whimsical walls just perfect for a boy's room.

To Be Equal - Empowerment: The final frontier of black development in the U.S.

Shallow Thoughts

I'm now on two diets. On two you get to eat more

I love rollercoasters. I love chewing on my Adam's apple.

Didja hear? A guy in Georgia takes his dog hang gliding. But it's okay -- it's an Airedale.

Staying the Course 'til Election Day

Big News

President Bush reminded Americans Tuesday the U.S. is at war. Of course, Congress has not declared war, but don't confuse the President with any of that constitutional stuff.

Iran's hard-line president urged students Tuesday to push for a purge of liberal university teachers. Hey, if the guy hates liberals, he can't be all bad.
- Right, Rush?

September 6th Now & Then

Today is Independence Day in Swaziland, a small African nation about the size of New Jersey. I tried to call a Swaziland radio station for an interview, but it didn't work out. I was the 17th caller, however, and I did win the goat.

William Corfield set a world whelk eating record on this day in 1969. A whelk is a sea snail, and William shelled and ate 81 of them in 15 minutes at the sea shore in Somerset, England. And if you think I'm gonna try to say he shelled sea snails at the sea shore in Somerset, you're seriously silly.

Sir Frederick Abel died on this date in 1902. Sir Fred invented cordite by mixing up some nitroglycerin, guncotton, acetone, and Vaseline. Cordite is neat because, when it explodes, it doesn't smoke. So it's recommended by the Surgeon General.

British chemist John Dalton was born on this date in 1766. Dalton became famous for his formulation of the "atomic theory." Everybody laughed at Dalton, however. They said his atomic theory was stupid and eventually would bomb.

Love & Learn

Inside People - Counselors see rising need for anger-management workshops.

Opinion - An open letter of apology to Pluto.

Film Closeup: Mark Wahlberg - Mark Wahlberg plays an extraordinary football hero in the sports drama “Invincible.”

A Greener View - Don't let leaves do imponderable harm to your pool.

Shallow Thoughts

Personally, I think quarterbacks should be allowed to carry guns.

I'm now on two diets. On two you get to eat more.

Now, today's exciting tip from Mr. Goodhammer, the mediocre repairman. Mr. Goodhammer says, "To avoid going through life in an embarrassing position, always remember when working with Epoxy glue, never to pick your nose."

Go Ahead, Be Late for Something

Well, the Labor Day picnic this year was really wild. Somebody put real sugar in the Kool-Aid.

In tonight's TV movie, Billy Bob Thornton and Park Overall star in "The Thang," about a small southern town terrorized by an evil creature that has the body of an alligator and the head of a social worker.

September 5th Now & Then

Sam Houston was elected President of Texas on this date in 1836. Sam had come to Texas after his wife walked out on him in Tennessee. He led the Texas Army to defeat Mexico at San Jacinto. If Sam's marriage had worked, today George W. Bush might be wearing a sombrero.

On this date in 1776 the U.S. Navy adopted its first standardized uniforms. Like modern military uniforms, the first Navy clothes came in two sizes -- too large and too small.

Today is Be Late For Something Day, sponsored by the Procrastinators Club of America. A few good things to be late for:
* A benefit autopsy. Especially your own.
* A free class in advanced skinhead taming.
* An illegal vasectomy.
* America Day at Six Flags Over Iraq.
* Candlelight dinner for two with a waterbed test pilot.
* A meeting of the Jerry Springer Fan Club.

Arthur C. Nielsen was born on this day in 1897. Nielsen was the founder of the Nielsen rating system for television, which came as no surprise to his mother. When Arthur was born, the first thing he did was count how many people watched the birth compared to the appendectomy in the next room.

Love & Learn

Today's Lifestyle: Children - Hard to overestimate value of proper manners.

Today's Lifestyle: Contract Drives Home Rules of the Road - Teens should agree to the rules of the road before they start driving the family car.

Lifewire - With old age comes more risk of dehydration.

Video Game Reviews - "Tekken" kicks its way onto PSP, and it's stellar. And check out "Monster House."

Shallow Thoughts

I love baseball. It's the thing more American than high cholesterol.

The only exercise device I ever use is my Clapper.

The more the President talks about the war on terror, I'm getting fearophobia -- the fear of fear itself.

Mary Ann & Ginger at Denny's?

Big News

Authorities on Sunday announced the capture of al-Qaida's number 2 leader in Iraq. This guy is such a terror, rumor has it the Army may reactivate Lyndie England to guard him and take pictures.

Experts warned Sunday an obesity pandemic threatens to overwhelm health systems around the globe with illnesses such as diabetes and heart disease. And yet, at the same time, half the world is hungry and malnourished. Obviously, what the world needs most is a massive fat transplant.
- By the way, how does somebody get to be an obesity expert? Get a doctorate in lard?

- Monday is Labor Day. Democrat Chairman Howard Dean will throw the first Republican into the Lake of the Unknown Union Leader.

- What I've never understood about Labor Day: If it's to honor the working man, how come Republicans get a holiday, too?

September 4th Now and Then

Today is Labor Day in the U.S. and Canada, a day to honor people who actually do something, who keep producing day and day out, never complain, and very seldom even shoot their bosses.

I love Labor Day. In fact, I like any holiday that doesn't require me to eat yams.

The goofy comedy "Gilligan’s Island" premiered on television on this day in 1964. Wow. That means by now Mary Ann and Ginger are probably eligible for the senior citizen’s discount at Denny’s.

Ford introduced the Edsel on this day in 1957. When this car passed by it made people nervous. It looked like something long and sleek from outer space with its mouth open.

Robert Raikes was born in England on this day in 1736. Raikes invented Sunday School. I like Sunday School but it's weird -- everybody always passes, but nobody ever graduates.

Love & Learn

Parent Care - Columnist Marsha Seff's Toba passed way in August just six months shy of her 87th birthday. One of the most important lessons Marsha learned from her mom, says Seff, was to keep positive and remember that “Life is good.”

Bad Words, Good Beat Are Duet for Trouble - The biggest problem with the current wave of sexually explicit music is it simply isn't very good.

Editorial: Iraq - Simple, simpler, simplistic.

Et al.

I almost bought some air conditioned underwear, but I just don't think I'd feel safe adding freon to my shorts.