HaBlog

Talkers Vulnerable

2009-09-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

Republican party leaders said Tuesday radio talk show hosts should not be allowed to hear President Obama's Wednesday speech to Congress because Obama might use it as a propaganda tool for his social views and might indoctrinate America's radio talkers to his socialist agenda. "It's just too dangerous," said one Republican governor, "If we lose the talk show hosts, we won't have anybody left!"

Republcans have been getting extremely nervous since their primary strength is talk radio hosts. In fact, that's why they came out so storngly against Obama's speech to school chldren. If America's school children get serious about edcucation and all go to college, there won't be anybody to do the next generation’s radio talk shows.

Sure, Republicans atill have Fox News, but Fox can’t pull in the supporters Republicans need. "I wouldn’t trade Rush Limbaugh for everybody on Fox," said another Republican governor . "Rush just barely finished high school. He's got what it takes to sucker in real Republicans," he added as he headed for the Appalacian Trail.

Public Housing and Fidelity

2009-07-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Judge Sonia Sotomayor. President Obama's first nominee to the Supreme Court, introduced herself to the nation Monday by speaking about how her journey from public housing in the Bronx to the federal bench has shaped her philosophy and made her a jurist whose philosophy is guided by “fidelity to the law.” Republicans can't relate. They have no experience with either public housing or fidelity.
-- One senator said he didn't know Fidelity ever invested in public housing.

An Alabama family doctor who twice resurrected her clinic in a rural Alabama fishing village after it was devastated by hurricanes will be nominated to be the new U.S. surgeon general. Unfortunately, Dr. Regina Benjamin has no experience at dealing with one of Washington's toughest diseases -- LATD -- lobbyist arm-twisting disorder.

Happy 233!

2009-07-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

The great thing about the July 4th weekend is that nothing bad can happen -- Congress is on vacation.

The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great purpose. It gets noise, mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it belongs.

Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed paupers like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes millionaires like they were paupers.

It's hard to believe we're 233 years old. I don't feel a day over 210.

Devastating Consequences, hic!

2009-06-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

The nation's largest health insurer trade group says any government plan would force "devastating consequences" on the current insurance arrangements. Unless, of course, insurance industry lobbyists ran the government plan, too.
-- C'mon, guy's, you're not thinking inside the box.
-- You're making people think the American insurance industry can't compete.
-- You're giving up even without a bailout.

Iran's regime blames rioting on interference from the U.S. and radio talk show hosts are planning tea parties because Obama isn't interfering in Iran. Sounds like somebody's confused. Or maybe everybody's confused. I know I am.
-- Not sure a tea party will help.
-- Depending on with what they spike the tea.

You have to admire the President's hypocrisy on smoking. Even if he can't stop, he tries to help others. It's a great example for those who can't give up their love for money.
-- Maybe the new healthcare program can address both those addictions.

Super-Slumdog Cool

2009-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

President Obama has a plan to slash the deficit, despite stimulus spending, primarily Iraq troop withdrawals and higher taxes on the wealthy. That should shut Republicans up.
-- But now we'll have to listen to 'em whining for eight years.
-- It's almost like Clinton's back.

Hey, no matter who won the Oscars or how few Republicans watched, any telecast that brought kids from the slums of Mumbai, India, to a free party in Hollywood should win an Emmy, or a Donkey or a month of free happy meals or something super-slumdogcool.
-- Just watching made millions all over the world forget for a few minutes they don't have a place to live.
-- But please, while the kids are here, take them to Disneyland. Pretty sure they'll enjoy Mickey and Goofy more than all those low-cut gowns.

Playboy magazine posted dramatic fourth quarter losses. Big question is, how does Playboy cut back? Wardrobe costs?
-- I don't think so.

Awful News! Just Awful.

2009-01-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

The Stock Market is bracing for awful news. Investors this week are expecting company report cards that may show the worst quarter for corporate profits in a decade. Okay, so?
-- So who needs a job anyway?
-- I mean, most of us always dreamed of an extended vacation.
-- With unemployment.
-- This could be the best thing that ever happened?
-- I think I'll ask my financial advisor -- Alfred E. Newman.

Republicans are resisting President Obama's stimulus plan unless the wealthy get permanent tax cuts. I say go ahead and let 'em have their tax cuts, 'cause by the time they get 'em they won't be wealthy anymore anyway.
-- Then they'll have to pay the middle-class tax increases like everybody else.

President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range.
-- A place where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course.

Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months --more than 5 percent of its work force. Just in time for the government's program to retrain the unemployed for computer jobs.

Adopt a Gitmo Inmate Today!

2009-01-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

House Democrats on Thursday released an expansive economic recovery plan that calls for $550 billion in spending and aid to states and $275 billion in tax cuts. Now, of course, House members have to dig into the plan and see if their buddies are getting their unfair share.

Attorney General-designate Eric Holder said Thursday that the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay may take longer to close than hoped. With only a 59-vote Democrat margin in the U.S. Senate, a Republican filibuster will kill the idea of releasing the 250 inmates into red states.

Senator Joe Biden bid farewell on Thursday to his senate colleagues. He apparently forgot, as Vice-President, next week he'll be running the Senate. Or maybe he doesn't expect Cheney to leave.
-- He has had access to the security briefings lately.

Bitter cold weather was sweeping across the nation Thursday, putting the Midwest in a deep freeze. In Fargo, North Dakota it felt like 48 below because it was 48 below.
-- Lower than 20 below, you can't feel anything anyway.
-- Assuming you still have fingers.

CNN meteorologist Rob Marciano said unprotected fingers in Fargo could suffer frostbite in 60 seconds. So in Fargo, everybody remembers to wear their goose gloves and their microwave longjohns..

For a Lame One, Bush Ducks Fast!

2008-12-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

Iraqi journalist throws shoes at Bush. Wow! Who knew Iraqi journalists had shoes?
-- American journalists have flip flops.

President Bush made an unannounced farewell visit Sunday to Baghdad, Iraq, where a man threw shoes at him. In Arab culture, throwing shoes at someone is considered an insult. As the man was dragged out screaming, Bush said, "Wow, with that smell, those must be shoes of 'mess' destruction."

Gas prices rose for the second consecutive day following eighty-six consecutive declines. On Sunday, the price of a gallon of gas rose 3/1,000ths of a penny -- probably not enough to make Bill Gates sell his Hummer.
-- Though Melinda might start nagging....

As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And, reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on medicine, are going back to school.
-- "Hey, Grumps gotta eat."

Mission Accomplished

2008-11-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama is scheduled to visit the White House Monday for talks with President Bush on the transition. The President is expected to offer his full cooperation. Which means in the keys on the left side of the computer keyboards, no Krazy Glue.
....Also the schedule will have to be carefully controlled to prevent problems between Barney and the new First Puppy.
....Michelle Obama has already indicated the first action she will take on January 20 is to remove the "Mission Accomplished" comforter from the President's bedroom.

Incoming White House Chief of Staff Rep. Rahm Emanuel says Barack Obama supports government assistance for the auto industry. For example, he might suggest they paint Cobalt's something besides yellow.
.... To help, the governrment might buy GM's leftover yellow paint for the Washington Monument.
.... It would make it stand out more and that would be a change in Washington.

China will spend four trillion yuan ($586 billion) on upgrading infrastructure, particularly roads, railways, airports and the power grid; on raising rural incomes via land reform; and on social welfare projects such as affordable housing and environmental protection. They'd probably spend more, but a lot of Chinese money is tied up in American mortgages.

Yea, It's Over!

2008-11-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

John McCain is really happy today. The campaign is over and he doesn't have to smile constantly and act happy all the time. That's hard for a guy McCain's age. Now he can be as grumpy as he wants -- which is more natural for a guy who's 72 and a member of the GOP -- the Grumpy Old Party.
.....For the next four years, Republicans can just be themselves.

Hey, if somebody's got to lose, it's better for the guys who can afford it...... Isn't that right, Mr. Limbaugh?

I was worried Obama might not make it, especially after somebody broke into his campaign headquarters and let the air out of his speeches.

Barrack Obama, a lowly community organizer, organized hundreds of communities to help him raise hundreds of millions of dollars. Now, millions of Republicans are encouraging their kids and grandkids to become community organizers.

Congratulations to President-elect Barrack Obama -- and congratulations to America -- for making a decision with no need for recounts or lawsuits.....And now, may everyone relax and enjoy the end of the political campaign. And everyone at Fox News, go ahead, take off until the inauguration.

It's just so great to see the campaign end so we can get down to the real business of making fun of a new president.

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn't hear anybody using that argument.

Election Day -- Keep a Straight Face!

2008-11-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Democrats charged today that Republican submission to "the special interests" was the cause of the current economic fiasco. Democrats, of course, are just plain wrong. There's nothing special about Republican interests -- the same ones they've always submitted to.
....Republicans love guns, tobacco, alcohol, gambling, drugs, and oil. You'd think they'd sold their souls if they weren't so moral.

In yet another campaign attack, Barrack Obama accused John McCane of "bending the truth" about his tax plan. "Bending the truth," is that like bashing someone constantly while claiming to run a positive campaign?.
....It's pretty obvious, the hardest thing about serious campaigning is keeping a straight face..
....If the voters were half as dumb as the politicians think we are, this country would have disintegrated 200 years ago.

Since John McCane's polls indicate the election is still a toss-up, maybe we should review the important themes of each campaign.
....John McCane is ready to do whatever it takes.
....Barrack Obama is ready to change whatever it takes.
.....Good luck, America!
....And remember, it is okay to pray in a voting booth.
....Assuming you know how to pray without a microphone.

Some say the election of Barrack Obama will ruin the country. Others say the election of John McCane will ruin the country. But I say no president can ruin the country all by himself -- that's why he has Congress to help him.

I like to watch election night coverage on Fox. It's just like watching the Simpsons, only with goofier characters.

Sales of fancy underwear are really down. Victoria's Secret is it would have lost money this quarter if not for the Republicans shopping for Sarah Palin.

Who Can Protect Us Best from the Great Pumpkin?

2008-10-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

The latest polls indicate the presidential race seems to be turning slightly toward the Democrats. Uh-oh. Republicans may have to bring back their sublimininenimal TV commercials.
- In the latest Reuters-MSNBC poll Wednesday, Obama edged ahead but analysts said the outcome of the election probably would depend on which party's constituents turn out to vote -- and, of course, how many times they vote.

St Louis Blues goalie Manny Legace injured a hip Friday night when he slipped on the carpet placed on the ice for Sarah Palin to drop the ceremonial first puck. No word on what the carpet cost.
- Manny wasn't watching where he was skating because he was so surprised to see a hockey mom with all her teeth.

John McCain says he learned all his politics from Ronald Reagan. But Democrats are pretty sure he learned some on his recent campaign tactics from George W. Bash.

McCain says he just doesn't have enough money to fight Obama. The Republican National Committee was going to help, but Palin needed new shoes.

Republicans are expected to rev up the fear tactics this week. Like Sarah Palin will tell Americans a liberal cannot possibly protect them from the Great Pumpkin.

Maybe you heard. The Tampa Bay-Philadelphia World Series has pulled such low TV ratings, next year the World Series will be played at half-time on Sunday Night Football.

A New Republican Role Model

2008-10-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

The Chicago Tribune endorsed Obama, first time in over 100 years the Tribune endorsed a Democrat. No word yet on the really important endorsement, however -- Mad magazine.

The Tribune joined the L.A. Times and the Washington Post in endorsing Obama, citing his intellect and good character. Of course, the polls indicate instead of intellect and good character, many Americans may want another Republican.

Having now collected more than $605 million altogether, Barack Obama has become a role model for rich Republicans. In fact, Republicans wouldn't be able to stand it if their minds weren't so consumed with losing a fortune in the stock market.
- Talk about a double deep depression.

But Obama better win. When Michelle finds out the Republicans spent $150,000 on clothes for Palin and Barack has raised $650 million -- and Michele didn't even get new jeans -- the new president definitely will be tested!

Republicans say Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardobe will be given to charity after the election. Might as well, it probably wouldn't bring that much at a Wasilla garage sale.

Baseball is still America's pastime -- though making speeches about restoring integrity to Washington is a close second.

Not Moose Dumplings Again!

2008-10-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Both John McCain and Barack Obama say they're ready for Wednesday's debate, when for the first time they get to attack each other sitting down. In the third debate, staged primarily for undecided senior citizens, they get to exaggerate from Laz-Y-Boy recliners.

In the latest polls, Barack Obama has surged ahead of John McCain. Obama finally admitted the surge was a good idea.

I got another email today saying Barack Obama is an Arab and a Muslim. And if he's elected Sarah Palin wants to be his energy czar.
- Sarah will do anything to keep from spending another winter in Alaska.
- Can't blame her. She's got to get awfully tired of watching Russians and making moose dumplings.

So, You Enjoying the Depression?

2008-10-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

The United States today removed North Korea from its list of states that sponsor terrorism. This means President Bush can now undertake a history-making visit to North Korea before leaving office. He wants to try that legendary North Korean favorite gourmet dish, chicken-fried dog. They say with the right seasoning it tastes just like squirrel.

Most polls give Obama a slight edge, but the latest Fox News/O'Reilly/Limbaugh poll says the U.S. presidential race is dreadlocked. Uhhh...
- They must mean deadlocked.
- Otherwise, Wednesday's debate may be more interesting than anybody expects.
- In other words, the candidates are tied. Maybe next week they'll be gagged.

A new poll says seven in 10 Americans consider health care a "very important" issue in the presidential election. This should be good news for Barack Obama, who invented health.
- As usual, when asked about health, John McCain said he'd be ready for it on day one.

Sarah Palin denies she has abused her power as Alaska's governor. Palin blamed the liberal media, and claimed she had been too busy watching Russia to abuse anything. (Joe Hickman)

Mission Accomplished

2008-06-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush's European trip ended Sunday. It's been kind of hectic with him out of the country, not really sure who's in charge. A lot like when he's here, actually.
- Mission accomplished. Another successful trip for the President. While he was gone, Cheney didn't shoot anybody.

President Bush strongly disagreed with a Supreme Court ruling that clears foreign terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay to challenge their detention in U.S. civilian courts. Bush did not threaten to bomb the Supreme Court, but did indicate all options are on the table.

Lots of folks are watching the NBA Playoffs. It’s not that so many Americans like basketball, it's just fun to watch millionaires sweat.

President Bush has admitted to The London Times he regrets his legacy as a man who wanted war. The President even hinted he wishes he'd never gone into politics and was still 2% owner of the Texas Rangers. That's a job he could handle. Show up for a couple ball games a week, sit in the front row, look like a regular fan. Keep your eye on the ball so you don't get a line-drive in the ear.
- Bush was pretty good at that. Highest popularity rating he ever had.
- And he only got hit in the head once.

U.S. Health Officials say citizens of 30 other nations will live up to five years longer than Americans. President Bush said all options are on the table, hinting if we don't pre-emptively attack Japan or Switzerland or Australia before he leaves office, he and Cheney may move there for the health care.

Somebody needs to stop those guys on the Internet from selling secrets to make your car run on water. Before you know it, the price of water will skyrocket.
- People will be siphoning your car to make green tea.

Researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that know how to fish. American companies already are offering Senior Monkey credit cards so they can export fishing gear.
- Give a monkey a fish he'll eat for a day; teach him to fish, you can sell him a new rod 'n reel.

Lots more nonsense at Laughs Today, Best topical humor on the Web!

Love & Learn

House of Hazards - Home is where the heart is, it's also where you find an appalling number of pollutants, toxins, harmful microbes and other environmental threats.

Network news feels pain of fractured audiences

Today's Scene: Diversity of opinion on same-sex unions - Where do religious groups stand on the issue of same-sex marriage? Here's a snapshot of several of them, based on research from the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life and local voices.

'Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Parents can contribute to anorexia.... Dump this dangerous loser of a friend.... Teacher was rude and wrong.... Teen's concerned about complexion.... Buckle up and stay out of harm's way.... Chances are good your guy will call back....The effects of secondhand smoke... Aunt is sounding a false alarm on dating... Premarital sex is a matter of morality... Convincing a drunk not to drive s not easy.... Living with this stepfather is out of the question... Pay attention to teen depression...

Making Sense Is Way Over Rated

2008-05-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Big News

Americans are getting excited about the presidential race? According to the latest poll, most voters believe John McCain can beat either Democrat if he chooses Britney Spears as his running mate.
- Britney's experience with paparazzi shows she can handle terrorists.

Presdient Bush is threatening to impose wide-ranging U.S. sanctions on any nation in the Middle East that doesn't boost oil production. This is great news for Chinese flag makers, who can now sell millions more U.S. flags to burn.
- U.S. flags are always big profit makers because manufacturers don't have to add flame retardant chemicals.

Momentum is building for the final episodes of all the big TV shows. Sorry, I can't remember any of the big TV shows' names.
- On most of them the hero gets shot.
- That way, if the show's ratings tank, nobody will care if they don't come back.
- If the shows are as big as expected, all new NBC series next fall will feature nothing but final episodes.

Love & Learn

Inside People - Keeping weight off is harder than losing it, but there are ways... Baby Boot Camp: It's worth the wait to lose that baby weight... Researchers, regular people know forgiving is right choice... Much more.

'Straight Out of Hell' - After the murders in Zachary, Louisiana, 4-year-old Lindsay Page Johnson, her own throat slashed, saved her baby sister. Incredibly marvelous journalism.

'Green' home concept goes beyond cutting rising energy bills - Here are 9 suggestions for inside your home, 13 for outside. Can't do 'em all at once maybe, but now's a great time to get started.

Financial Update - ◙ U.S. moves to insulate appraisers from pressure to cook the numbers ... ◙ Sempra completes crucial natural gas terminal in Mexico... ◙ Lawsuits raise questions about private prisons - ◙ A once ailing private-prison sector is now a revenue maker ... - Much more.

'Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Parents aren't always to blame... Tell parents about boyfriend's past... Teen's record remains clean... Jogging not the best way to lose weight... It's a myth drunks fare better in crashes... Listen up teens, smoking kills...

TV Coseup: Yeardley Smith - For Yeardley Smith, playing Lisa Simpson on "The Simpsons" is a dream job. "Easiest job I ever got," she says. And steady work for 18 years.

Speak up for kids! - Every day we read shocking stories about youth violence and drug abuse. The plight of children should warn us about the state of our nation. We have a national crisis on our hands.

Shallow Thoughts

Did you hear? To make the Indy 500 more exciting, this year half the cars will race clockwise....

Sometimes in the game of life, I feel like an airball.

I went to a sex therapist. Now he's confused, too.

I went camping in the woods. Smokey the Bear dozed off with a cigarette...

My wife says I'm vain, spoiled, arrogant, and callous. I feel so lucky to have someone who knows me that well.

My wife is so creative and malicious. She washes my sweatsocks in the vaporizer. I can't complain. My sinuses stay open.

Surging and Shaking

2008-03-06T15:05:00.000-08:00

Big News

Sen. Barack Obama raised a record $55 million in February for his presidential campaign. The new president will have to raise money a lot faster to pay back the trillions Bush borrowed.

Two bombs went off in Baghdad Thursday, killing at least 53 people and wounding 130. I mention it only because it would be really terrible if the surge wasn't working.

Even though Wall Street remains shaky, the bulls show no signs of running out of money to invest. Where do the bulls get all that mney? A lot of them married rich cows.

Okay, it's time to cut out all the jokes and admit President Bush has given this nation an incredible gift, one for which everyone can be eternally grateful. Thank you, Mr. President, for protecting us from a real terror threat .... by ..... staying alive!
- Hey, it scares ME to death having Cheney a heartbeat away....
- Please, stay the course, Mr. President!

Love & Learn

This Week's Dream Trips - #1: The fantasy world of anime and manga are big draws in Tokyo... #2: California's Bountiful Monterey Bay ... #3: Serene pleasures of the Veneto... #4 -- Crossing the Atlantic on cruise control... #5 -- Spring fortifies in Burgundy and Alsace... #6 -- Manchester's Jewish history source of major influences ....

FYI Travel - Travel Tips & Expert Advice, and some pretty neat bargains now and then.

Are Most of Your Business Cards Still in the Box? - Without a plan to distribute your cards, there's no need to print them in the first place.

Inside People: Following His Lead - Christians embrace lesson of humility Jesus taught his disciples.

Today's Lifestyle: Commercialism shrouds Christianity's holiest day - Nothing says "Let's celebrate the Resurrection" like a Spider-Man Easter basket.

Today's Health Scene - Research indicates cardiovascular disease is different for women... Is new therapy beginning of the end of Alzheimer's?... Diabetes study has surprising results... Tips to ease the misery of the common cold....

Shallow Thoughts

It matters not if you see the glass half full or half empty -- this morning it will be half frozen.

Everybody's got a cold! I heard a transmission from the Enterprise that said, "Beam me up, Snotty!"

I'm not all that concerned about America being preoccupied with sex. It is a little scary, though, to be preoccupied with watching it on TV!

I go to church. I have to. This little light of mine has rechargable batteries.

My pastor says both heaven and hell have great food. The only difference is, heaven has all the good cooks. In hell everything is burned.

Inflation? What inflation?

2008-01-30T15:48:00.000-08:00

Big News

John Edwards bowed out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Wednesday. Though it's a long shot, he still might could switch parties and win.
- No Republican ever had hair that good

The Fed cut interest rates another half point Wednesday. That's a point and a quarter in the last week. At that rate, by Presidents Day, savers will have to pay banks to keep their IRAs.
- In Pennsylvania, Phil the Groundhog already sent word he can't afford to come out this year. He's had to take all his savings and bury them in his hole, and he'll shoot any reporter who comes near.
- Even groundhogs have a right to protect their savings.
- Too bad seniors can't.
- AARP would do something but they're so busy selling insurance and cruises they haven't heard about it yet.

You get the idea sometimes the Republican plan to save Social Security is to lower interest rates so much, inflation will take seniors' savings so they go without medicine or starve to death years before they collect anywhere near as much Social Security as they paid in.

Of course, everybody knows now there is no inflation. You can still eat at Dairy Queen for $5, if the two of you split a burger and only get one order of fries. And drink water.

And catch a ride there and walk home.

And only take one Walmart aspirin a day for the arthritis.

Kind of makes me want to bring back Jimmy Carter. His 16 percent interest rates paid my daughter's college tuition and bought her books. I'm not sure Mr. Bush's 3 percent would pay my granddaughter's way through second grade.

I'm not that worried about the economy. Democrats can take care of that next year, just like they always do. Just like Roosevelt and Truman did, and Kennedy and Johnson and Carter and Clinton.

Hey, aren't you glad we have a two party system?

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Love & Learn

This Week's Dream Trips - #11 -- An Aegean sojourn with Alexander the Great & Paul the Apostle #12 -- Enjoying Albuquerque without leaving the ground #13 -- Maya mysteries revealed at Copan, Honduras #14 -- Divers love the Bay Islands in Honduras, and they aren't alone

Just Plain Dumb:
Just Plain Dumb is a lot like Shallow Thoughts only not as deep.

If Hillary wins, where do they put the Presidential seal on the pants suit?
- Sounds like a good question to ask Rush Limbaugh.

I never listen to Rush Limblahblah. I can't. I only listen to radio when I'm driving and I don't want to doze off.

Our Precious Tax Cuts

2008-01-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Big News

So now, after his final State of the Union Address, is George W. Bush a lame-duck President? After the speech it seemed maybe his strut had turned into a waddle.

Poor George. I don't think he ever wanted to be President anyway. It's just that he was born with silver boot up his butt.

The thing that bugs me about Republicans is their first priority is keeping their tax cuts.

You know, the ones Bill Clinton stuck them with to balance the budget and start paying down the national debt so our grandkids won't hate us.

I've never understood it. You are a Republican with all the money in the world and you can't stand the thought of having to give any of it away.

Some poor slob making 40-grand a year with a kid in college and another in Iraq scrapes to pay his taxes. He's proud to do his part.

I have a dream. I dream Republicans will some day volunteer to give up their tax cuts and pay an extra 10 percent so everybody can have health care, we can balance the budget, and we'll be such a happy nation nobody will want to attack us.

And the millions of Republicans who have never given one cent to charity will at least match the millions of poor folks who give 12 to 15 percent to church and charity every single year.

When my dream comes true, I guarantee all those grouchy old people (GOP) will have a big new smile and be happier than they ever deamed was possible back when they were fretting their lives away over keeping their precious tax cuts.

=======================================

The going rate for a Super Bowl end zone seat from a ticket broker is now more than 25-hundred dollars -- and climbing. Anybody who'd pay 25-hundred dollars to see a football game needs to rent Dr. Phil for a couple of days.

Love & Learn

Smart Fortwo may look like a toy, but the engineering behind it isn't kid stuff - Whole lotta jokin' goin' on, but the "Smart Fortwo" is a serious 'city' car that travels comfortably on the Interstate and is stable in evasive maneuvers. Top speed is 90 mph, cruises easily at 80. .... 33 mpg city, 41 highway. Learn more.

Just What the Doctor Ordered - Do you ever get the impression that your doctor is rushing you through his examination while you still have a few more questions?

Hardiness Zones; Check the Source - There are several maps being used in garden catalogs, and they are not based on the same data.

Private Lies - Valentine's Day doesn't just keep florists buzzing. The holiday also keeps private detectives busy trying to catch cheating spouses.

Non-Partisan Political Information - As the 2008 presidential campaign heats up many voters want to look deeper into the candidates, their supporters, and their voting records. Five non-partisan sites can be very helpful.

Shallow Thoughts

Will this country ever get national health care? I mean, we can't ALL marry Canadians!

I am not going to come right out and say I'm ready for heaven. But I AM looking forward to not flossing after ever meal.

Am I Fizzling Out?

2008-01-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Though I always had the heart of a journalist, since 1959 I have made most of my living writing jokes. I love writing jokes.

Yes, of course, journalists have hearts!

I think the reason I love joke writing is because, growing up, I picked cotton, hauled hay, gathered corn by hand, ate dirt behind the wheel of a B-Farmall tractor, and performed all the other fun jobs at which country children excel.

I did not excel.

But I did develop a sense of humor, possibly to survive, and probably because it was such fun to come home tired and sweaty at night and listen to great radio comedians. My first favorite was Fanny Bryce as "Baby Snooks." I still can hear that silly giggle.

Red Skelton's "Junior, the Mean Little Kid" had me rolling on the bare floor of our family room under the old Waterson radio.

When you're dirty already and have only water for a Saturday night bath, rolling on the floor is okay.

I was most influenced by The Grand Ole Opry's premier comic Rod Brasfield and Tennessee Ernie Ford. The first lines I ever copied down to remember were Rod's, "His eyes bugged out like stomped on toad-frog" and Ernie's, "As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

That was over 60 years ago, yet today I still hear those now and then.

As a teen, I graduated to Mark Twain and Ring Lardner, both wonderfully funny writers.
In the last 40 years, alone at a keyboard, I have laughed sometimes uncontrollably at the nonsense oozing from my brain cavity. It is just so much fun to try and line up original, funny words. And it has been gratifying to know my words helped personalities at some 1,600 radio stations a month, in almost every English-speaking big city and small town on this Earth, make their listeners smile. It sure beat picking cotton.

But lately, it's not quite the fun it once was.

Lately, I feel serious words trying to ooze into the flow.

The problem, I'm afraid, is politics -- though it's probably not a serious problem.
I have written about every subject imaginable, and, when the audience is in a laughing mood, all subjects -- every single one -- needs to be approached with humor.

Particularly politics.

I consider deflating pompous politicians with humor to be a calling from God.

But for some reason, I am no longer driven to poke fun at the powerful as much as I am driven to do other things.

I blame the current presidential campaign. I have thoroughly enjoyed roasting both Republicans and Democrats when each group was in power.

I have tried always, though not always succeeded, in creating jokes and poking fun non-maliciously. This is not always easy.

But the best writers can do it.

I am tired, I think, of making fun of George W. Bush. I feel strongly the poor guy should never have been elected governor of Texas, much less President of the United States. In Texas, Bush had Lieutenant Governor Bob Bullock to keep him from falling on his face, but in Washington, he never was able to enlist such able statesmen to help.

Also, I think the current crop of presidential candidates, both Democrat and Republican, have excellent potential.

I wonder about Mike Huckabee, whose name sounds like one Mark Twain might have created.
Having been extremely close to 10 Southern Baptist pastors, and greatly admired an 11th, I can't understand why a man like Huckabee would be the least bit interested in the Presidency. Pastors are very special people, and though I know they sometimes feel led to leave that special ministry for another calling, I have difficulty understanding it.

Of course, it might be more understandable if Huckabee wanted to become a writer for Jay Leno, or some such really special calling. And Jay could really use the help right now...

Having tried for a few years now to back away from nonsense, and having failed miserably, I cannot commit completely to never writing another joke nor bit of satire. In fact, likely tomorrow I will create or regurgitate something completely dumb and stick it on my Web site.

I will try desperately to never write another joke aimed at Britney Spears or any other young person who has achieved way too much exploitation and acclaim too quickly for their own good.
And that won't be easy, but maybe it will be an improvement.

Hopefully, I am finally growing up.

Though more likely, I'm only growing old.

Frostbite Warning for Flashers!

2007-12-26T14:53:00.000-08:00

Big News

Osama bin Laden, in his annual Christmas message, urged believers to confront continuous aggression against Iraq and stand up to U.S. leaders, branding them "enemies of God." Oh, Osama, you're so hairy 'cause yo mama had a fling with Bigfoot.
- Just shut up and go stuff your Christmas goat!

You know what I'd like to see? An "Amazing Dog Fight" between Osama bin Laden and U.S. Vice-Fruitcake Dick Cheney.
- Man, Cheney would shoot Osama's beard off so fast....
- It couldn't possibly be considered torture.

I'm sorry, Mr. Huckabee, the term "Christian Republican" is just a bit too incongruous. I mean, I don't think I've even ever heard the term "Bleeding-Heart Hawk."

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday to fund the Iraq war and keep the government running well into 2008. Wow, $555 billion! Now that is a gift card.

'Tis the season for Mideast peace talks. The problem is, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable.

The Midwest got a white, stormy, and really cold Christmas. It was so bad the U.S. Weather Service issued a Frostbite Warning for Flashers.

Love & Learn

A little knowledge goes a long way during cold and flu season - Each year these common maladies seem to cause as much confusion as they do congestion. And too often our treatment plans are based on myth and advertising hype. Check out your cold and flu IQ.

Jesus: Born to Die - Throughout the New Testament, we read about Jesus preaching the Good News, working miracles, and teaching his disciples to follow in his footsteps. He was focused only on one thing -- the path to Jerusalem, his death, and the subsequent great glory of his resurrection. He came to die. For you and me.

Film Closeup: Will Smith - In 'I Am Legend,' Will Smith is on his own and in danger in Manhattan after a virus has transformed everyone else into cannibals.

Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Don't blame the performers and athletes... Grandmother's stirring up trouble... Don't be stupid about sex... Mom is an Internet addict... Tips must be earned... Traits of lucky people... Tired of wondering about sex...

This Week's Dream Trips - #1: The gaucho is the essence of Argentina; #2: Grand Canyon Railway is a time machine back to 1901; #3: The lure of Buenos Aires; #4: American Indian art thrives in Prescott trading post.

Shallow Thoughts

Have you noticed? During the holidays your clothes seem to get really crowded.

Texas has gun control. You can buy a gun anytime anywhere, but you have to wait five days before you can shoot anybody.

Last night in the parking lot I was confronted by a mugger. I told him I was a blogger, he gave me 20 bucks and let me go

The office Christmas party was the best ever. I just hope the boss never fins out who put his toupee in the Veg-a-matic.

Yes, 'tis the season to be jolly -- and to stick duct tape over the little glass on the bathroom scale.

Well, I got four bottles of aftershave and a Tasmanian Devil tie. And now come the tax forms and my Ed MacMahon letter. I don't know if I can stand much more joy.

The War on Recession

2007-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush said Monday the U.S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war on recession.
- Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children.

New Jersey has abolished the death penalty. A Fox News poll says four out of five future murderers say they will either take their planned victims to New Jersey, or if time is short, they will just murder a New Jersey resident.

A big ice storm has had the Northeast slipping and shivering. It's so cold squirrels are hijacking ducks to Cuba.

Love & Learn

Simple reminders for a safer holiday season - Every 30 minutes, nearly 50 times a day, someone in America dies in an alcohol-related crash. Hundreds of thousands more are injured each year. Three in every 10 Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash at some point in their lives.

Gift Ideas - Lots of ideas for last-minute Christmas shoppers.

TV Closeup - Vanna White was given her best Christmas ever -- lots of fame and big, big fortune -- in 1982. Who gave it to her? Who'd she replace?

Rules for Christmas Newsletters - In theory, newsletters are an efficient means of sending greetings while bringing relatives and friends up-to-date on significant events in your family's life. In reality, most newsletters are about as appetizing as eggnog in August.

How to Rejoice on a Bad Day - Actually, it's 2 Easy Ways to Rejoice Even on a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

What Will You Become - All things are becoming, coming and going in a different way. Even people are constantly reshaped, remolded and re-created.

Do They Know It's Christmas? - If this doesn't touch your heart... Well, it will.

Shallow Thoughts

Cold? Last night I saw a snowman sneezing. I told, "Sorry, the cold medicines don't work."

Cold weather brings back memories of my first girlfriend -- Olivia Frigid-John.- Olivia was like a Popsicle. Her legs were two sticks, and the rest was solid ice.

Oh, and to all the malls who won't let kids sit on Santa's lap unless they buy a photo, may the Environmental Protection Agency investigate your fountain.

Today's blog is brought to you by the exciting new maximum strength diet plan, Extra Ultra Mega Slim Faster. It's just great. Eat anything you want plus one Extra Ultra Mega Slim Faster shake, and five minutes tops, you lose everything.

If it's the hunting season, does that mean it's legal to shoot hunters?

And remember, loaded guns don't kill people, loaded hunters do.

This just in. The ACLU charged today that Santa's practice of making a list and checking it twice violates every citizen's constitutional guarantee to equal opportunity whether they're naughty or nice. Stay tuned for fewer details

Okay, I guess I'm a liberal. I think there should be a 7-day waiting period to buy a flame-thrower. It wouldn't violate anyone's inalienable right to own a flame thrower, and it gives everybody else a chance to get out of town.

Clean Up or We Unleash Tipper!

2007-12-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

Big News

Al Gore is threatening the U.S. and China to clean up the environment or face dire consequences... like unleashing Tipper to crusade for warning tattoos on the foreheads all politicians:
... G = Green
... PG = Phoney Green
... 2FP = 2-faced polluter
... OOPS = Owned by Oil Polluting Scum
... Y = Yuck!

My neighbor's dog is a Pit Bush. Every night he stays the course on my front lawn.

Love & Learn

Finer Than Wealth - When our hearts are empty, we collect "things." When our hearts are full, we tend to lose interest in most of the "stuff" of life.

Your Money; Consumer Tips - Experts discuss personal finance with an emphasis on consumer protection.

How to Lose the War Against Christmas Shopping - Never make a list. Buy strictly on impulse and charge everything so you won't have to pay for it until February. By February you could get hit by a truck. And nine other ways to seriously mess up.

Instilling values in your kids: Part 2 - A couple of weeks ago, we talked about ways to model for your your children good financial values to prepare them as financially responsible adults. These values aren't entirely about personal gain; I certainly believe that we would do well to instill in our children a sense of generosity and help them learn about our collective responsibility to help others.

Mythbusters - You've no doubt heard how Hispanic immigrants aren't assimilating, how they're defiantly refusing to learn English, and how this is so unlike previous waves of immigrants, who couldn't wait to jump into the melting pot. It's a popular belief. It's also not true.

Don't let family foibles keep you away from home on the holidays - Tom won't be the only turkey at the holiday dinner table. There's Aunt Betsy, the hypochondriac; brother Billy, who's tanked before the meal even gets started; sister Susie, as critical as ever; adult children who still whine, aging parents telling everyone what to do .... So what can you do this year to make things better?

Fashion Tips - No matter if you’re taking a trip down the catwalk or strutting the hallway in your office building, the people at Ford Models and other news sources will show you how to get that runway look.

Blithe Spirit - Watching President George W. Bush as he responded to the new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities called to mind one of the great quotes in sports history.

Christmas cookies are sweet tidings of comfort and joy - Personally, I prefer crispy cookies over soft and chewy, which is why I adore the Crispy Oatmeal Cookies, Cornmeal-Pecan Biscuits, Chocolate Swirled Shortbread, Chocolate Crackles, and Grandma's Snowballs. And if you're not drooling by now, you may need a drooler adjustment.

Kitchen and Bath Renovations - Learn from the pros how to remodel outdated kitchens and bathrooms, and how to make do-it-yourself repairs.

Shallow Thoughts

Hey, you'd be fat, too, if all you ever ate was milk and cookies and chicken fried reindeer.

Ever wonder where Santa gets the strength and stamina to visit so many homes in one night? Ever wonder if Santa's been tested for steroids?

I wasn't sure we could wait until Christmas. One of the presents under the tree was meowing. But it finally stopped.

We avoid any toy designed to improve motor development. Our kid's motor is already over-developed.

I got a Christmas catalog from a mortuary. If I die before Christmas, I get a free fruitcake.

Actually, armadillos aren't bad pets. If they just wouldn't make that awful clatter when they fall down the basement steps.

I played football. In fact, my senior year in high school I was awarded the Heisman Bench.

There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile; he ran a crooked race, and ended up in the Senate.

Are Democrats Better Looking?

2007-11-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

Big News

Iraq's most influential Shiite politician said Sunday the U.S had not backed up claims that Iran is fueling violence in Iraq. Well, America is certainly not fueling violence in Iraq. We flew in there five years ago .... unarmed .... to build schools, right?
- Maybe Iran doesn't want Iraqi children to have schools.
- Maybe the deciders in Iraq know about as much about what's happening there as I do.

Is it just me or are the Democratic presidential candidates better looking than the Republicans? Or maybe the Republicans are just older and whiter?
- Hey, I'm a comedy journalist. I always try to ask goofy, probing questions.

Love & Learn

Silent Plight: For some, the holidays are a time of stress and strain - Christmas carols trumpet across crowded malls. Tiny lights twinkle from rooftops and trees. Homes fill with laughter and frivolity. And all you want to do is burrow into the sofa with the TV remote and a bag of Oreos. Well, may we offer some ways to banish the blues from the season?

Lou Dobbs sees himself as fighting the good fight against the elite - "Most Americans live at the center," Dobbs says, "and they think and they feel at the center of society. Independents ... are focused on what is good for the country, on what is good for America."

Holiday Travel Tips - Holiday traveling takes special planning, especially by air and with children. Here are some important ideas to make planning quick and easy.

Celebrities News - To gossip or not to gossip? You decide.

Fire Ants Beware! - Normally, I am not in favor of most home recipes that try to substitute for legal pesticides. However, today I am looking for volunteers to try a new possible solution to fire ants and maybe even other insect pests. It's incredibly simple.

Holiday History Quiz - What a month for God. Hanukkah begins Dec. 4, Christmas arrives Dec. 25, Kwanzaa starts the next day, Hajj gets under way Dec. 18, with Eid al-Adha on Dec. 20.

Shallow Thoughts

Our basketall league is tough. We had a referee but he quit. He said our games look like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in baggy shorts.

I'm thankful football players don't chew tobacco. It could get awfully juicey at the bottom of that pile.

My dog is so mean... just imagine Osama bin Laden with four legs.
I've screwed up so much around here, people will think I'm in charge.

Okay, now, as soon as everyone balances upside-down verrrry carefully on top of your computer, we'll get on with the sanity test.

Unsurging, Celebrity Scooting, Desperate Biker Babes

2007-11-12T18:31:00.000-08:00

Big News

The U.S. military has begun reversing the big troop surge in Iraq. Doctors are watching Vice-President Cheney closely to see if his heart can stand the unsurge.
- If Cheney's heart starts fibrillating, the 30,000 troops unsurging out of Iraq will resurge into Iran.

President Bush suffered the first veto override of his seven-year-old presidency Thursday as the Senate enacted a $23 billion water resources bill . The president was understandably disturbed. He needed that money that money so Halliburton can continue doing whatever Halliburton does in Iraq.
- Shhhhhh, it's a secret.
- Everybody knows secret stuff costs more.

A scooter-riding Mickey Rourke was arrested on suspicion of scooting under the influence.
- If convicted, Rourke could face jail time sober and loss of his license to scoot.

Love & Learn

A rockin' sister act, Ann and Nancy Wilson's Heart - The beat goes on with live "Dreamboat Annie" concert.

Thanksgiving Recipes - "Wow! What a meal!" is what they'll say after Thanksgiving dinner at your table with these 19 recipes and tips from Beyond Wonderful. Um umm, whole lotta stuffin' goin' on!

Bunnytown, For Laughs - The new Saturday morning children's show, "Bunnytown" from Disney, has a simple goal: to make children laugh out loud.

Homemade Popcorn, All Gussied Up! - Explore your creative side with popcorn flavorings, like: Maple Pumpkin Spice, ummm, Macadamia Butter Crunch, ooohhh, and ...Chili Lime? It's the holidays, gotta try 'em all.

This Stupid Planet! - Whole lotta really goofy stuff goin' on.

Steps to take when we know a child is at risk - We don't confront the adult, but we can do six things when we witness a child at risk.

This Week's Dream Trips - #1 - An English town and country Christmas,, #2 - Following in Charles Dickens' footsteps.. #3 - Christmas at the Newport Mansions: Welcome to the Gilded Age

Shallow Thoughts

Nothing on TV surprises me anymore. Any night now I expect to see "Desperate Biker Babes," a reality show where tattooed women in thong bikinis chew tobacco and spit to see who gets to come back next week.

Now, today's Dick Cheney gun tip: Never EVER shoot a lawyer in the heart -- the riccochet could hurt somebody.

All these whiney radio talk show hosts have inspired me to write a song. "Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Babies..."

I am a garage scientist with a dream. I want to cross a tree with a goose -- so in the fall all the leaves will fly south.

If cleanliness is next to Godliness, at the game last night I think I sat next to Satan.

Wow, That's 21,000 in Dog Years!

2007-11-04T15:55:00.000-08:00

Big News

King Tut's buck-toothed face was unveiled Sunday for the first time in public — more than 3,000 years after the youngest and most famous pharaoh to rule ancient Egypt was buried in his golden underground tomb. I suppose Tut's teeth are a prime example of what can happen if you don't floss for 3,000 years.
- Tut's preparing for a U.S. tour with his first stop at the Arts Museum in Dallas. Reportedly, if he will stay, Jerry Jones will offer him $70-million and a free sky box in his choice of the new Cowboys stadium or the Bush Library.
- Jerry calls him King "Toot."

Newsman Brian Williams was pretty funny as host of "Saturday Night Live." NBC is bringing in the biggest names it can find who can be funny. Next week: Osama bin Laden.

John McCain, a Vietnam war prisoner, argues his top rivals for the GOP nomination aren't qualified to be president in wartime because they never served in the military. But, John, in the last four elections, people preferred the guy who avoided military service. John Kerry, Al Gore, Bob Dole, All heroes nobody wanted. New strategy, John. Hurry.

Instead of sending more troops to Iraq, why don't we send Republicans? It's fair. They'll come back Democrats.

Love & Learn

A Site for Sore______ - Are you a "cyberchondriac?" If you have ever typed in a disease or condition into a search box on the Internet, you qualify. But don't take offense. Everybody's doing it, using the Web to obtain health-related information.

TV Closeup: Amy Brenneman - After receiving several offers she couldn't refuse, Amy Brenneman reluctantly got into bed with ABC a couple of years ago. It was an amazing feat, as the comely actress was perfectly happy as a stay-at-home mom.

In Fashion: Sweater Pickin' Time - Casual fall weekends call for getting cozy with a few of our all-time fashion favorites. Those soft sweaters wrap us up in sheer pleasure.

Back to Basics - He said, "I remember my wedding day. As we unloaded the van into our little house, I said, 'Babe, this is your and my little world.'" He added, "We've been fighting for the world's championship ever since."

Waterboarding: Still Not Good Enough - Michael Mukasey is a man on a tightrope. He likely knows that waterboarding is not just, as he said, "repugnant," but actual torture. Yet he cannot say so because the man who nominated him won't.

Custody Injustice Goes Way Beyond Britney - Divorce your husband? Say goodbye to your kids. That's the message family courts are sending to women in conflict-ridden families everywhere.

Shallow Thoughts

After watchng all those TV commercials, I now believe all personal injury lawyers are shysters beyond a reasonable doubt.

Only three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and you always turn the twist-tie on the bread the wrong way.

Just think, in only 52 weeks we'll decide who to blame for the 2009 gas price increaseS.

Bush Wins Nobel Piece Prize!

2007-10-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Big News

Iraqi officials want the security company Blackwater USA out of their country within six months. That sounds fair. Surely within six months Blackwater can find a country that will take them.
- May not be able to afford them....
- Maybe some of our tougher illegal aliens will volunteer to go over and protect our diplomats.
- Apparently, it is a job nobody else wants..

This just in. President George W. Bush today was awarded the Nobel Piece Prize for his efforts toward obtaining a piece of Iraq, a piece of Afghanistan, and planning for a piece of Iran.

You realize nobody's watching the debates. They're too boring. I say, have the candidates tell the audience why they want to win and why each of the other candidates should not win. Then the second 15 minutes they have the dance contest and the swimsuit competition...
- And then each week they let everybody vote off one candidate.
- By the time next year's primaries roll around maybe we'll have some new candidates who can cut a rug and look better in swimsuits.

Love & Learn

Digging Deeper into Dying - It's Halloween and, once again, gruesome images of death and the dead haunt the scene. "People think death is a scary process," says Kathy Kalbacken. "I don't see dying like that."

Wedding Style Changes with the Season - Brides and grooms are being lured by a handful of new wedding trends this fall and winter. From feasting tables and food kiosks to vintage decor and specialty chairs, local and national wedding experts reveal the cool-weather-wedding hot list.

Top Odd Stories of the Week - From all sources worldwide -- a bunch of really oddball stuff.

A Game Anyone Can Play - The most miserable people live in their own little worlds of isolation. They do little for others and rarely have much fun. But they can play "the game" and change all that.

The Shocking Truth About Okra! - Everything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source. [Large print edition.]

Texas Hill Country Twinkles for Christmas - Most destinations with a meld of European and American heritage most certainly don't have cowboys and pickups riding through their cores. But all that - plus spectacular scenery, parkland preserves, and an array of Euro and down-home dining options - are in and around Texas Hill Country.

The Mountaintop - Jesus took me to the mountaintop the other day. Jesus takes people to the mountaintop all the time. He doesn't take me all that often. Probably because I stay too busy to go.

Shallow Thoughts

Autumn has arrived. Soon the roaches will stop crawling into the house looking for water and start crawling in to get out of the cold.

Cultures are different. In Mexico they swing sticks at brightly colored, empty-headed animals called "pinatas." In Canada, it's called "hockey."

I'll tell you what kind of luck I have. I went to a funeral and caught the bouquet.

Ever wonder why the root word in funeral is fun?

Why don't baseball teams have cheerleaders? Simple. It would be too messy to yell cheers with a mouthful of tobacco juice.

I used to slur my words a lot, but with hard work and experience I developed the self-confidence required to mispronounce them distinctly.

Save America -- Adopt a Rich Kid!

2007-10-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush's health secretary threatened on Sunday to shut down a children's health insurance program it Democrats tried to override the President's veto of a bill to enlarge the program to cover more kids. Wow, Republicans have enough nerve for everybody in the universe and vicinity and their pit bulls.
- You know what? I finally figured out why Republicans are so cold-hearted. Because when they were growing up, nobody liked their parents.
- Think about it. It's got to be embarrassing for a kid to have Republican parents. So they hide their feelings and try to be tough.
- Folks, the only way this nation can avoid more bad presidents is to start being really nice to Republicans' kids.
- That's right, a little affirmative action.
- Hey, you want to save the country or not?

The big mess started when President Bush vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children's health insurance. The President called the bill the beginning of socialized medicine. If saving a few kids' lives is socialized medicine, heck, bring it on.
- We're the only "civilized" nation without socialized medicine anyway.

Republican White House hopeful John McCain says President Bush made a mistake after the Sept. 11 terror attacks by encouraging people to shop rather than urging citizens to join the military. That's right. If we'd only had more troops, no telling how many we could have lost.
- On the other hand, the more fatherless children, the greater the need for kids health insurance.
- So who knows, maybe the President was just thinking ahead.

Love & Learn

Film Closeup: Morgan Freeman - In the slice-of-life drama 'Feast of Love,' Oscar winner Morgan Freeman plays a sage observer of human nature. Freeman, now 70, has plenty of new projects on deck, including next summer's 'Batman' sequel.

Pain Is Present in Mean Boys and Girls - Okay, you've seen your child do some things: Being a little too aggressive with younger siblings, a little too snarky on the phone about classmates, a little too intimidating with the kids in the neighborhood. Do you continue to ignore it or do you follow your instincts and acknowledge that your child is a bully, confront your child and work on the problem? Some real answers here.

Music Update - Learn about the latest album releases, read the reviews and see who's on tour with this continuously updating channel.

Sports Roundup - All sports, all the time, with this continuously updating channel devoted to America's past-times. Top Ten sports stories at the moment.

Shallow Thoughts

The abortion issue is so ironic. Every person who is pro-choice had a mother who was pro-life.
- Didn't say it was funny, I said it's ironic.

Well, I lost big at poker again last night. I sometimes wish I'd never taught the wife and kids to play.

I was a quarterback in high school. I not only got sacked a lot, I fell off the stretcher twice.

Folks, We've Got to Cut the Cost of Killing

2007-09-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

Big News

Defense Secretary Robert Gates asked Congress to approve nearly $190 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan in 2008. That brings total cost of the wars to $767 billion. Democrats protested, claiming they can kill people for a lot less money.

We have to stay in Iraq to preserve the American way of life -- putting Arab oil into Japanese cars.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says Iran would not launch an attack on Israel or any other country, and he does not believe the U.S. is preparing for war against Iran. He also predicted O.J. will buy a judge, Jerry Jones will start a new religion that preaches Tony Romo is the Messiah, and Britney will marry polygamist Warren Jeffs.

Congressional hearings could be speeded up if they were divided into two types: regular hearings, and express hearings -- for witnesses who tell ten lies or less.

Republicans cannot be bought. The oil industry won't sell.

Madonna has been nominated for the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. The induction is in March so she can wear her solid gold longjohns with the revolving trap door.

This just in. The city council has declared downtown a no-smoking area. It's a public health issue. They're afraid of exploding winos.

A survey released today reveals that four out of five Americans admit they cannot tell the difference between TV evangelism and the home shopping network.

Love & Learn

One hombre's siesta is another man's power nap - Doctors on both sides of the border now say a short nap can curb irritability, sharpen memory and, most importantly, make people more productive.

Opinion: Ethical Wills Leave Lasting Impressions - Ethical wills are letters, essays and statements we leave to our loved ones addressing what we stood for - what we treasured, not just our treasures.

Ball brings new challenge to an old move - The moves: A push-up with an exercise ball. Works on: Upper extremity, chest and core strength. Defines and lifts the lower portion of the pectorals.

Editorial: Democracy's Chance -The international community, especially China, needs to pressure the Myanmar junta to avoid a repeat of 1988. An editorial from the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Rewilding of America - Pleistocene rewilding calls for reintroducing large mammals, such as elephants, once indigenous to North America. Because the original species are extinct, closely related surrogates would be used, such as the Asian elephant, African cheetah and lion and the modern camel.

Jena 6 Should Serve as Major Lesson in Race Relations Gone Wrong - Instead of throwing oil upon a smoldering fire, local authorities in Jena could have used the hanging of nooses in the words of Tatum as a "teachable moment. Instead, they just allowed the fire to go out of control, making the entire town a victim.
StrangeVideo - The title says it all. The Associated Press runs across some very strange news stories -- and they always carry their video cameras.

Ask Patty: Auto Advice for Women - Patty helps us navigate through everything automotive, from a female-friendly dealer search through financing, alternative fuels, and hybrid technology to energy efficient vehicle choices.

Financial Update: Microsoft's billion-dollar venture in video games is on the line with "'Halo 3" - Beyond the adolescent adrenaline rush and marketing hype of the alien-zapping space Marine, "Halo 3" is the latest development in the big-bucks battle for control of the video game industry.

Shallow Thoughts

Baseball is still the national pastime. Other games may be more exciting, but they tend to take your mind off eating and drinking.

What I like most about this country is that everyone is equal -- whether you're a billionaire or a taxpayer.

The weather is cooler, interest rates are coming down, and just when things are looking up, here comes another TV season.

In high school I joined the 4-H club. They told me the four H's were head, hands, heart, and hooters.

Ever notice how really weird people are? Like, most people never take a shower with their clothes on, yet they always keep 'em on in the rain.

Bubba Blackwater for President!

2007-09-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

Big News

Federal prosecutors are investigating whether Blackwater employees smuggled weapons into Iraq and sold them on the black market. Ooh, Ooh! If that's true, don't you know the NRA is gonna run Bubba Blackwater for President.

This just in. The White House reportedly has ordered wire taps on all 400 of Forbes Richest Americans after Saudi Arabian talk show host Osama bin Limbaugh speculated at least one of the 400 was a Democrat.

Documented civilian deaths from violence during the Iraq war stand at 80,061, including 259 this week, most of them women and children. Could this explain America's obesity? When we feel guilty, we eat?

Love & Learn

Determined Mothers Turn Preschool Education Idea Into a TV Show - They remember all the people who turned them down, who thought they were just three naive moms with a wild idea. They acknowledge there were times when they thought it might never happen.

Learning Business Feed - Free business and personal finance education videos from Investors Business Daily, Kiplinger, and other leading business media.

Lifehouse Everything Skit - A youth group comes up with a powerful skit any church group could do, and the wonderful new site GodTube makes it available to everyone. Wow!

Inside People: Sorry, Kids, the Party's Over - How do you handle your children's annual birthday celebration, given their ever-higher expectations? What? Only one limo?

Trailer Trash: Rating the Latest Movie Trailers - Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx's upcoming "The Kingdom" has all the hallmarks of a serious film. So why it feel like a warmed over "24" plot?

Brown Is the New Green - If demographers are correct that Latinos are the fastest growing minority in the United States, filmmaker Phillip Rodriguez has a question: "Who are these new neighbors?" He searched for answers in his documentary, "Brown is the New Green: George Lopez and the American Dream."

Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - A new nose...or not... Learn to diet right... Both parents not needed for sex education talk... Schools no place for paddling... Don't do anything silly... Free condoms best left out of schools... Task deserved hugging not grounding... This party's over... Parents are heroes to teens... Say goodbye to Hortense, hello to Holly... Be happy for what you have... Advice comes from experience...

Now, Today's Safety Tip for Joggers:

Remember, when jogging at night it's a good idea to wear a Hartz 3-In-1 tick collar, which not only reflects oncoming headlights and protects you from ticks, but also might make potential muggers think you're too weird to mess with.

Shallow Thoughts

Oh, did I tell you? We found the hamster. Our granddaughter was using it for Cowgirl Barbie's horse.

Summer is over. The squirrels have even started roasting their chestnuts in my Bug Zapper.

I charge everything. And I'll tell you, one of life's great thrills is when you pay off your underwear.

Don't you think it's strange that congressmen spend thousands of dollars to mail out newsletters to tell us how much money they're saving us?

I just had another great idea. Instead of running all over the country making speeches, why don't the presidential candidates just stay home and let everybody visit THEM?

A lot of people think bloggers are different from normal people, but that's not true. We put our straitjackets on one arm at a time just like everybody else.

Moose Coverage & Grubworm Privacy

2007-09-09T15:19:00.000-07:00

Big News

More than four years into a conflict initially thought to be a cakewalk, the U.S. commander in Iraq and the U.S. Ambassador to Baghdad will opine to Congress this week we can't walk until Halliburton runs out of cake.
- Or some such goofy argument.

A new report says the massive deployment of U.S. forces and sprawl of U.S.-run facilities in and around Baghdad has given Iraqis the impression that Americans are an occupying, permanent force. Probably because Americans are an occupying, permanent force.
- Isn't that what "stay the course" means?

Scientists have forecast the decline of the polar bear. I supposed this is bad news, but I can't say, having never known a polar bear personally.
- I know I do prefer my polar bears somewhere else

The top-rated TV show last week as "Two and a Half Men," and reportedly that's about how many people watched it.
- Not many people watch "Two and A Half Men" anymore. After about two and a half episodes, you decide they need a new joke.
- Besides, in the pilot episode, everybody figures out the half-man is Charlie Sheen.
- This is the only comedy on TV where the laugh track groans.

Anna Ovard came home in Pocatello, Idaho, to find a moose had kicked in her front door and was making itself at home in her living room.
- Probably wanted to watch "The View."
- Wouldn't you know? When she renewed her homeowners policy, she'd dropped moose coverage.

Love & Learn

Seven Habits for Living Effectively with Diabetes - Self-help book guru Stephen R. Covey has written a book to help diabetics better manage their conditions. Get it free!

Congress, Obese Urban Children, and the 2007 Farm Bill - Washington, D.C., leads the nation in childhood obesity. This comes as no surprise to those who study D.C.'s 8th Ward, where more than one-third of residents live in poverty and more than one-third of its children are obese.

The U.S. Must Be a Safe Harbor for Those Fleeing Violence - The time has come for Congress to finally develop comprehensive immigration reform. A more compassionate, realistic approach is needed in dealing with those who have become solid contributors to this country after fleeing war and repression.

Life Is for Living - Life is to be lived. No excuses. No reservations. No holding back. Have you heard the story of the exquisite violin?

Falling Behind - Ordinary families are working harder and producing more but getting a shrinking share of America's prosperity. Looking at the numbers, you'd think the nation had gone through a terrible recession. Actually, the economy has seen fairly healthy growth for six years. Gross domestic product is up 14 percent since 2000.

Sports Roundup: Greatest Racer of All Time - Richard Petty is the King. But is he the greatest stock car racer of all time? That question is as old as NASCAR itself. Recently, however, it has again become a subject of discussion.

Farewell to Pavarotti - Editorials by the Philadelphia Inquirer, South Florida Sun-Sentinel, New York Daily News, and Orlando Sentinel pay tribute to the world's great operatic tenor.

Shallow Thoughts

Why do the leaves fall? That's easy. So the grubworms can have some privacy while they're reproducing.

I can't wait for this year's fair. I just know my crabgrass will win a blue ribbon.

It's a mixed marriage. She's normal.

I believe your skirt is too short when you bend over and everybody can see your bra.

I belong to a camper's exchange club. When I spend a weekend in the woods, a family of raccoons sleeps in my apartment.

Today's horoscope. Pisces: Your stars are in conflict. For details, see "Entertainment Tonight."

Aghanissippi? Valedogtorian?

2007-09-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

Big News

This just in: No Republican senator resigned Monday. One high-ranking party spokesperson wearing pants said it's probably because the Labor Day weekend is sort of for Democrats and their illegal alien buddies.
- But Tuesday, "Who knows how many Republicans will resign?" the spokesperson said, "After all, none of them needs the money,"
- "And they're at the age when they spend a lot of time in restrooms."

President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq on Monday -- to watch the British troops leave.
- He spent almost seven hours in Iraq. Which is just enough to justify a war hero room at the Bush Library.

While in Iraq Monday, President Bush met with General Petraeus, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki and other top officials from Baghdad. He invited Osama bin Laden, but Osama was having his annual bath, beard and toenail trim and begged off.

President Bush will attend the Australia economic summit this week in Sydney. It's a pretty shrewd move. By leaving the country for a week, people tend to forget him and his popularity numbers go up.
- Also, he can't be blamed for everyone who resigns.
- And Cheney's promised not to shoot anybody while he's gone.

Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr declares his militia is suspending activity and will no longer attack coalition forces in Iraq. Al-Sadr said, seeing Miss Teen South Carolina's video made him realize U.S. Americans in South Africa and even future illegal U.S. alien Americans from Guatemala and Aghanissippi are no threat to his country.

Love & Learn

A Soldier's Story: Coming Home - While the chaplain prayed, Sara pressed her hand against the coffin. Her son wasn't in there, she told herself. The bomb had blown the life out of him. Josh's father had wanted his son buried at Arlington National Cemetery. But Sara chose the memorial park just four miles from her home. Now that he was back in California, she would never let Josh leave her again.

Rock Church, One of the Nation's Largest - "The Bible is real, dealing with real issues," Miles McPherson said during a Sunday service at the Rock's Serra Mesa quarters in San Diego. Soon, he'll preach in the church's first real home in Point Loma's Liberty Station.

Real Liberation - Nancy, with M.S., could no longer walk and spent her waking hours in a wheelchair. "I'm not 'confined' to a wheelchair," she insisted one day. "It doesn't confine me. It sets me free."

New Fall TV Losers - New fall TV shows that didn't make it onto the networks, yet they might get a spot on .. "The Spinoff Channel." Of course, with bad TV apparently "In" these days, any one of these losers could be a giant hit.

When Are You Too Old? - When is "too old"? At what age do we give up? At 100? At 88? How about 103? It can become a very important question.

Shallow Thoughts

I was part of the federal witness relocation program. Actually, I had very little usefull information, so they just moved me across the street.

It's so hot you don't know whether to rub on sunscreen or barbecue sauce.

Thank goodness football season is here. I mean, the kids were actually forgetting the words to the beer commercials.

Those parental discretion warnings came too late for me. I already had the kids.

My doctor has me on a salad diet. Last night I had a chcken turkey pasta ham bacon and cheesecake salad.

My dog did great at obedience school. In fact, he was valedogtorian.

Time Off for Good Behavior & Cleavage

2007-08-26T15:24:00.000-07:00

Big News

Republican Senator John Warner says he may back the next Democratic bill on withdrawal from Iraq. Wow, at that rate, by the time enough Republicans back withdrawal, there'll be nobody left to withdraw.
- Of course, I have to be honest. I might be more pro war if I was also making a million dollars a minute in Iraq.

Word is Republicans are beginning to swift boat Nancy Pelosi -- so she must be doing something right.

Now let's see... We, the United States of America, the most powerful force in the world, we attack Iraq, a little dinky nation with oil ... we wipe out their air force and navy in 37 minutes, we send their soldiers into spider holes and scatter their police officers... And over four years later we decide we don't like the guy we backed to be their president ...
- And it's ALL HIS FAULT??
- And Republicans believe they are tougher on defense??
- Where'd all these folks go to school, Cockamamie Junior College?
- HOMER W. SIMPSON could have had us out of Iraq three years ago!

Lindsay Lohan was given a one-day jail sentence for two drunk-driving arrests in Beverly Hills. She'll serve a half hour a week for 48 weeks. But with time off for good behavior and cleavage, she'll probably be released after an hour and 20 minutes.

Love & Learn

Opinion: Lindsay Lohan Should Learn a Few Real World Lessons: - For weeks I've refrained from joining the Lindsay Lohan debate and refused to crack bad jokes (like saying "Lindsay: Fully Loaded" is her best movie). I can pretend no longer. For Lindsay's sake, I must speak out.

Ask the Ethics Guy - When you're feeling down, overwhelmed, or just plain angry at the world, here's a great way to develop an attitude of gratitude.

Fans Adore the 'Supernanny.' - Born Joanne and nicknamed Jo-Jo, Jo Frost laughs at the idea that she has become the Martha Stewart of child care. Turns out she's not only smart, but a natural delight. And parents will certainly want to check out her top 10 rules for creating a happy family life.

Jerry Jones Gambles Again - The latest gamble by wildcatter Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys might be quite a doozy.

To Honor Their Souls - This is the story of Katherine Lawes, the wife of the warden of Sing Sing prison. Wardens lasted about two years at Sing Sing. Thanks to Katharine, Lewis Lawes was warden for 21 years.

Shallow Thoughts

Don't you just love TV sitcoms? They even laugh at the jokes for you.

Thank goodness the kids are getting back to school -- where they're trained to handle riots.

The first rule of parenting: If the child succeeds, I want the credit. If he fails, it's the school's fault.

This may not be a great day. I put my shorts on backwards, brushed my teeth with Prep-H, and my parakeet called me JellyBelly

Our office is finally smoke-free. They shot the last smoker yesterday.

You know your arteries are getting a little woody when you're sitting in your car with the garage door open, and you're not sure if you're going someplace, or if you just got home.

Back home, it's "Bat Night" at the ballpark. All the fans have to watch the game hanging upside-down.

Now, today's intriguing cosmetic surgery question. If you have liposuction, should you put it under your pillow for the Fat Fairy?

Bird Bath Linguini & Car-Sick Hamsters

2007-08-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Big News

The Pentagon says it has only painful choices if President Bush wants the Iraq surge to continue: They can use National Guard units on an accelerated schedule .... break the military's pledge to keep soldiers in Iraq for no longer than 15 months .... or round up illegal aliens at the Texas border and send 'em straight to Iraq.
- Republicans might go for that last one if everybody promises not to call it amnesty.

Now that Congress and the President have left Washington, they deserve credit for what they did for the country -- they left town.

Republican Rudy Giuliani said Thursday that people should "leave my family alone!" Rudy doesn't want to hear anything else about his kids supporting Democrats. Come on, Rudy, just threaten to cut off their inheritance and shut down the trust funds. What kind of Republican are you anyway?

Man, this campaign is going to be fun because rich Republicans are so funny. And at last count there were about 77 of them running for President -- not counting that old "Law & Order" guy who can't decide.

Love & Learn

Entertainment Extra - Today's top entertainment stories from music, tv, movies and the people making news. By Associated Press Video.

Fashion & Beauty News Feed - The latest fashion and beauty news from around the world, including video coverage of many of the top fashion shows. Newest trends and beauty secrets, tips.

All About Acne - Understanding acne, types, treating mild cases, treating severe acne, acne scars, video discussions by IllumistreamHealth.

Bottled Water: A Poor Choice - Almost nobody believes bottled water is safer than tap water anymore. Yet almost everybody is still drinking from bottles. Are we all stupid or what?

Vacation Lessons - Now that vacation time is almost over, let's review all the things we learned this summer.

Shallow Thoughts

I gave my kid a book to read. He said, "Where's the remote?"

Talk about hot. Today I bet you could boil linguini in your birdbath.

We never drive on vacation. It's not the price of gasoline -- it's because the hamster gets carsick.

I hate this weather. It's embarrassing -- standing there in the restroom, blow-drying your armpits.

Something I learned in Fort Worth: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him wash behind his ears.

And if there's one thing I've learned in this life, it's when the going gets tough, try a high-fibre cereal

Books on today's blog were juggled by Ralph's No Account Accounting Service, featuring Ralph's no account guarantee. That's right, if for any reason you are not thrilled with Ralph's work, your entire fee will be cheerfully embezzled

It's August: Tony Snow's in Charge

2007-08-12T14:48:00.000-07:00

Big News

Washington has switched to its summer schedule. The President's out somewhere, Congress is gone somewhere else. Tony Snow is running the country. I think we'll be alright unless Cheney shoots him.

The U.S. Amy is expanding recruiting incentives and loosening rules on age and weight limits, education and drug and criminal records. So the future soldier could be an old, fat convicted druggie. Just the type of guy to handle an air-cooled gas-operated semi-automatic rifle.
- Maybe the Iraqi army can teach the new guys how to shoot.

An AP report says that nudist camps are having trouble attracting young people. So's the army. Maybe if the two joined forces we could soon have either armed nudists or a naked army.
- Either one would scare al-Qaida right back to the asylum.

Three things cause severe memory loss: a blow to the head, old age, and testifying before a congressional hearing.

Love & Learn

The Blues Cruise - The blues cruise is one of dozens of music-themed cruises that have opened the cruising business to new markets. People come together because of a common love of music and share a series of concerts over a few days at sea. What could be more fun for a music fan?

ScamCity - More "Late-Night ScamCity TV Offers Available Only On Daytime Radio."

DVD Reviews - A look at the critics view of new and recent film and TV releases on DVD

10 Things You Didn't Know about The Spice Girls - Juicy secrets, trivia, and useless but funny information about the female group that changed pop forever.

Video Game Reviews - Veteran gamer Jeb Haught reviews "Parappa the Rapper" and "Project Sylpheed: Arc of Deception."

In Fashion: Fall Shopping List - Fall shopping list: The slim pant, the pencil skirt, cropped jacket, bracelet-sleeve blouse, novelty knits, curvy dresses and more.

Editorials on the Eavesdropping Law - From the Miami Herald, Chicago Tribune, Sacramento Bee, and New York Daily News.

Shallow Thoughts

This portion of today's blog is brought to you by Whatabeer! Ex-athletes love Whatabeer! Come to think of it, that's probably why they are ex-athletes.

I love barbecue. I think the carcinogens taste almost as good as the saturated fat.

I own the Lexus of barbecue grills. It has fuel injection, a sprinkler system, and it plays "I Don't Want to Set the World on Fire."

Whenever I barbecue, my family insists on asking the blessing before I light the grill.

I went to a tough school. You had to go outside for recess whether you wanted to buy drugs or not.

Marriage is a wonderful institution. In fact, of all the institutions I've been in, I liked marriage best.

Man is the only creature stupid enough to put fertilizer on his lawn so he can mow it twice as often.

Just One of Those Onces

2007-08-01T18:45:00.000-07:00

Big News

Ex-Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld denied any cover-up and rejected personal responsibility Wednesday for the military's bungled response to Army Ranger Pat Tillman's friendly-fire death in Afghanistan. It was really great to have Rummy denying stuff again. Didn't realize how much I had missed that.
- The guy is denial virtuoso.
- You know his business card says "Denial Guru."
- A real denunciation whiz.
- "And this year's Nobel Prize for Negation goes to ... Donald 'Fat Chance' Rumsfeld!"

Baghdad shook with bombings and political upheaval Wednesday as the largest Sunni Arab bloc quit the government and a suicide attacker blew up his fuel tanker. With the fuel loss, Exxon-Mobil says it has no choice but to raise oil and gasoline prices and start charging a rental fee for restroom keys.

Only 73 young Americans died in Iraq during July, so the surge must be working. Either that or the terrorists were on vacation.
- Hey, even suicide bomber trainees needs a break once in a while to go back to their cave and practice dying.
- And it could be this was one of those onces.

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani on Tuesday announced an affordable national health plan that other Republicans may like. It's affordable as long as nobody gets sick.
- And everybody gets free aspirin and Viagra.
- If he'll toss in free Gas-X and a laxative I think he's got a winner.

Love & Learn

Plan B in Iraq - Almost from the day the United States invaded Iraq in 2003, many have felt and said it was a monstrous mistake. And finally, even Republicans are starting to think they messed up. This week, a large daily Republican newspaper presented "Plan B in Iraq," a proposed altering of the course.

John Travolta Closeup - The 53-year-old superstar is a riot in drag, playing the 300-pound mother of Tracy Turnblad, a girl in 1962 Baltimore who dreams of dancing on the "Corny Collins Show." It's a remake of "Hairspray."

The Day the TV Broke - Ever think what might happen at your house if there was suddenly no television? Writer Steve Goodier has some ideas -- and some intriguing questions?

My Kid Is Making Me Fat! - Baby's growing up, Dad's growing out. When parents start sampling baby food, it becomes a Weight Watchers' nightmare.

Preteens Are Pumping Iron, and Lovin' It - At most fitness clubs, 13 is the minimum age for using workout equipment. It's largely a safety issue, says Lisa Riehl of the Cameron YMCA. But kids' health was an even bigger issue to the Cameron staff.

Shallow Thoughts

You can tell it's August. The weather is red hot and the Rangers are ice cold.

The Rangers pulled off a big trade that's just what the team needs. They traded their pitchers for pall bearers.

The Rangers are God's punishment to people who spend Sunday at the ballpark instead of church.

Today's totally unnecessary social tip. When hosting a dinner party, don't bother mentioning whether or not the cat's litter box is dishwasher-safe.

You should have seen the Rangers playing in the rain. Two outfielders slipped and almost caught a fly ball.

What I like most about roller-coasters is being able to sit down after standing in line for two hours.

Having children to save your marriage is like shooting yourself in the foot to take your mind off your headache.

Y'all come back, now. Next time I'll tell you how to be the first on your block to get your very own personalized authentic blue and gray Civil War Whoopee Cushion.

A Pox on Your Po-Po

2007-07-26T18:29:00.000-07:00

Big News

This just in. Democrats said today they will subpoena the five polyps discovered during President Bush's colonoscopy. "We just want to make sure," says Senator Harry Reid, "there were no polyps of mass destruction."

First it was Iraqi soldiers and foreign fighters, then sectarian terrorists and militiamen, then insurgents, and now it's al-Qaida in Iraq. Does anybody know who we are fighting over there? Well, would you please tell the President!?

Wall Street suffered one of its worst losses of 2007 Thursday. The Dow Jones industrials closed down more than 310 points after earlier skidding nearly 450. But, honestly, how can they say it's one of the worst losses when 2007 is barely half over?
....I always try to look on the bright side. Like if a few millionaires lose enough money, maybe they'll need to hire me to look on the bright side for them.
....It's all in my new ebook, "The Bright Side of Wealth Reclaiming for Losers."
....In English, Spanish, French, and Nigerian.
....Hurry! Only $67 while they last.

The White House still is concerned about the dangers Iran's nuclear program poses to the Middle East. Especially since Iran's missiles are small, easily hidden, and can be successfully launched from a water buffalo.

At least twice, astronauts were allowed to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk. Be serious! Who are they going to hit?
....Heck, in outer space it's even safe to talk on your cellphone.
....I wouldn't want 'em docking with the space station while drunk and talking on their cellphones...

Michael Vick pleaded not guilty Thursday to federal dogfighting charges, but he better get some good lawyers. Reportedly, the Richmond D.A. is planning a resurrection of 17 dead dogs to testify.
....Bringing a dead dog back to life isn't that hard. You just rub 'em all over with something really smelly, and then hook up an electric can opener to a 300-watt amplifier.
....Seriously, it's enough to wake the dead.

We're learning more about possible Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson, the former U.S. senator who plays the DA on "Law & Order." Apparently, he decided his first marriage was illegal because nobody read him his rights first.

Love & Learn

Pop Talk: Rocco Deluca's Triple Play - Rocco DeLuca has been compared to Jeff Buckley and Radiohead, but his earthy blues roots give his music a distinctive sheen.

Ear Worm: Quickie Music Reviews - New stuff, like The Editors' "An End Has a Start," Garbage's "Absolute Garbage," Nick Lowe's "At My Age," Chris Cornell's "Carry On," and Interpol's "Our Love to Admire."

MTV News - The hottest entertainment news from yet another top news agency.

Easy to Fix Meal Means More Time for Summer Fun - On a warm summer evening, heat up the grill and make an entire dinner outside with no fuss. Don't have a grill? Broil this dinner in the kitchen with very little effort.

Shallow Thoughts

We could sure use a nice cold snap about now, but I suppose that's about as likely as a sumo wrestler finding the perfect Speedo.

My daughter is taking French in high school. If I hear "Voila!" one more time, I'm going to take her to the Mexican border and sell her.

I turned on the lawn sprinkler and saw the cutest thing -- a squirrel shampooing his tail. He probably had a date.

It was a little scary. We camped so deep in the woods, the mosquitoes had buck teeth.
....You could hear the chiggers croaking.
....The fire ants had tattoos and ponytails.

Warning! Failure to join us again may cause shortness of breath, lesions, incontinence, and a pox on your po-po.

How Come Osama's Not on "Survivor?"

2007-07-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush tried to justify the Iraq war for the 1,461st straight day on Tuesday. He said al-Qaida flew into the World Trade Center because Saddam Hussein offered them bonus virgins and autographed box cutters. Well, hey, I can believe that.
- Makes more sense than anything else I've heard.

Republicans justifying the Iraq war is about as likely as Osama bin Laden being named Hunk of the Year,

Conservatism isn't what it used to be. Blaming everything on al-Qaida just isn't as credible as blaming it on the communists.
- I mean, these people the Republicans are scared to death of ... folks, ... they .. live .. in ... caves!
- How smart can they be?
- Okay, be nice.

Love & Learn

Petty Larceny Reconciled in Kaffeeclatsch Confessionals - It's a vibrant, intelligent, socially responsible collection of women who in another generation could be described as the salt of the earth. That is, until I raised a question about whether it's OK for a traveler to take Equal packets from a coffee shop because her hotel doesn't carry that brand.

Treatment's a Long Shot for Gamblers in Jail - Michelle MacLaren is a gambler. "I would sit at the casino seven days a week, 17 hours a day," she said. She's also a thief. "I'm not a criminal," she said recently while sitting in jail. "I'm an addict."

Doc Bias Hurting Black Health - A new Harvard study says young doctors may harbor implicit racial biases, and this gets in the way of African Americans receiving health care equal to that of whites.

Today's Lifestyle: How to Save Water and Money - Population growth means people are using more and more water every day. In most parts of the country, voluntary conservation is the water-wise way to live. Here are some ways you can put a stopper in your water-wasteful ways:

Shallow Thoughts

We could sure use a nice cold snap about now, but I suppose that's about as likely as a sumo wrestler finding the perfect Speedo.

I'd rather be ugly than famous. Fame is but a fleeting moment-- but ugly can last a lifetime.

Puberty is that time in life when you stop chasing bugs and start chasing girls -- and then realize bugs were easier to catch.

Teenagers have it made in the summer. No school, no job. They just lay around the pool all day -- basting their pimples.

Are Republicans Born Grown Up?

2007-07-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Other News

President Bush reiterated his threat to veto Senate legislation that would substantially increase funds for children's health insurance by levying a 61-cent-a-pack increase in cigarette taxes. Republicans don't worry about protecting children from cigarette smoking because Republicans don't have children. Most Republicans weren't even children themselves. They were born grown up.
- Unlike Democrats, who will always be children.

Gisele Bundchen tops Forbes.com's list of the world's richest models, earning $33 million in the last 12 months. Wow, I watch Fox News; I thought the richest model was Paris Hilton.

Producing pure food is now China's biggest challenge. It's right up there with getting pigeon stains off the Great Wall.

Looks like NBC is giving Donald Trump one more chance with 'The Apprentice.' And if it doesn't work this time, maybe they'll hire him to color Al Roker's weather maps.

This portion of today's blog is brought to you by Bloat-Light, the beer four out of five teenagers throw up. Drink Bloat-Lite, become everybody's favorite party wino.

Love & Learn

Video Game Reviews - Animation, maneuvers make 'Ratatouille' fun. And though 'Cookie and Cream' is fun at first, it may be too cute and cuddly for some gamers to digest.

The First President's Slaves - A recent discovery has unearthed a passageway used by nine slaves at a former home of George and Martha Washington.

Today's Health Scene: You're Not Alone. Ever. - Your body consists of 100 trillion cells, give or take, but they're in the minority. Each human is also home to, among other things, an estimated 1,000 trillion individual bacteria, or 10 times more microbes than human cells.

Iraq Inc. - U.S. taxpayers now are paying 180,000 civilians to work under U.S. contracts in Iraq. Most of them work for the Pentagon, but more than 50,000 contract employees work for the U.S. Agency for International Development and the State Department. This is on top of the 160,000 soldiers and Marines that U.S. taxpayers are paying to work in Iraq.

Shallow Thoughts

Politics is more fun than a barrel of monkeys that dropped out of monkey school.

Actually, as I recall, I began to lose weight when I stopped buttering my chewing gum.

Kids learn a lot from TV. The 4-year-old next door asked me if I used Miracle Gro on my tummy?

Some people get fat on top, some get fat on the bottom, and some get fat in the middle. I guess it's like they say, "The lard works in mysterious ways."

"Just Shut up, Harriet!"

2007-07-11T18:10:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush ordered Harriet Miers to defy a congressional subpoena and refuse to testify Wednesday before a House panel. It's not as bad as it sounds. He said something like, "Just Shut up, Harriet!"
- They're old buddies -- they've been telling each other to shut up for years!

Actually, I'm beginning to like President Bush. It's trying to please all those rich Republicans that makes him look so bad.
- Democratic office holders have it so much easier. If their backers get upset -- who cares? Just a bunch of poor slobs any.
- If George W. Bush cares one iota about his legacy, he'll switch parties tonight!

Mexican telecommunications tycoon Carlos "Slim" Helu is now the richest man in the world. Reportedly, thousands of illegal immigrants in the U.S. who want to go back to Mexico to work for Slim can't get back in.

Bill Gates is learning from Carlos "Slim" Helu and issued a memo for everyone at Microsoft to call him Bill "Feisty" Gates.

The new Harry Potter movie is opening everywhere. I think this is the last one. I don't know that much about Harry Potter since they still haven't released the Cliff Notes versions.

It doesn't look good for John McCain. It's too late for spin doctors to help. It's time to call in the spin priests.

Sorry, I just think the Harry Potter story is more important than any campaign story.

I hold no biases. When it comes to politics, I am an equal opportunity mud-slinger.
- It's the American way.

Love & Learn

Autoword: Kia Rondo - When I first saw the Kia Rondo, I thought it was one homely guppy with the roofline of a hearse. But then I got to know it, and -- Wow! What function?

News Analysis: The Price of Cheating - Here comes that voice again. It's the one that whispers about saying your kid is 11 instead of 12, so he can eat for half-price. Now it's telling you to sneak in your snacks into the theater.

Miley Cyrus Soars! - Miley Cyrus burst onto the nation's entertainment scene this July with a force only a teen bombshell could muster. And I really feel for Dad.

Presidential Slave Tunnel - Not far from where the Declaration of Independence was signed nearly 230 years ago, there stands evidence of the hypocrisy that shrouded the burgeoning nation at its birth.

Shallow Thoughts

There are a lot of foreign students in this country. They're easy to spot. They're the ones going to class.

We just made a will and left everything to the kids. I sure hope they can keep up the payments.

I've never seen so many bugs. Large bugs! I called an exterminator. He crawled under the house and never came out.
- It was horrible! Ever see a sabre-tooth termite?

This is National Nude Recreation Week in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, and National Chicken Days are underway in Wayne, Nebraska. National Chicken Days are for people who are too chicken to participate in National Nude Recreation Week.

Scooter, Laura & the All-Star Spit Pool

2007-07-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

Big News

The White House said Monday President Bush will not withdraw forces from Iraq now despite an erosion of support among Republicans for his war policy. Hey, the President is a Republican -- he's not about to start writing his own personal checks to Halliburton.
- "We're still stayin' the course -- we'll just stay the course at home for a while."
- "The mainest thing is: our Mission is Accomplished. We kept the tax cuts."

By the way, rumor has it, Scooter Libby will enjoy loyalty perks for many years to come. Little things. Like Dick Cheney's next grandchild will be named Scooter.
- Not Scooter Cheney. Probably Scooter Halliburton.

You know, Scooter Libby could still talk. I figure there's only one way to shut him up for good -- make him a general.

Since the President refuses to let anyone in his administration testify before Congress about the firings of federal prosecutors, Democrats say they'll subpoena Laura Bush. Laura might want to testify.
- Hey, she might have heard something!
- Laura's not the type of lady to hide behind executive-spouse privilege.

Besides, George is going to be out of work in a couple of years -- he'll be 63 and another three years from Social Security.
- Laura might feel like it's time to make a name for herself.
- Maybe run for the senate from New York or something.
- You can't spend the rest of your life hanging around the library selling T-shirts.

The baseball All Star game is Tuesday in San Francisco. It's at AT&T Park. Everybody at the game will get a collect phone call from Cuba.
- "Ola! Ees Rafael there?"
- "Tell heem Seeester Maria, reader/advisor, has read the goat's breath, and shoes at the ballpark today, on the field and in the stands, will be splattered with 14,743 gallons of tobacco juice."
- "On the ballpark spit pool, go ahead, bet the farm!"

NBA finals MVP Tony Parker and "Desperate Housewives” co-star Eva Longoria were married in France this weekend. It was a marriage made in tabloid heaven.
- They say Eva was such a beautiful bride, half-way through the ceremony Tony went out for a beer and nobody noticed.

Love & Learn

Wentz Lyrics Push Fall Out Boy to Rare Heights - Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz may write emotional lyrics about all sorts of heartbreaky things, but you will not see a tear anywhere near his black-linered eyes.

Answers - Up and down the length and breadth and width of Greater Ponca City people are stirring. They're beginning to ask questions. And, on THIS program, when listeners look deep into their souls and come up with a question, they WILL get an answer!

Hit Your Peak with Super Foods - Edible superstar foods will give your body many of the nutrients it requires to operate at peak performance. Hint: It's not pizza.

Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Student shouldn't be punished for grades .. Give your father a call .. Teen drivers are not invincible .. American teens use more drugs than Europeans .. Playing favorites hurts .. Drinker is breaking the law ..

Shallow Thoughts

This portion of today's blog is brought to your by Bloat Light, the exciting new beer that makes your belly look like a weather balloon. Hey, it may be light, but it's still beer.

At a nude beach, with my luck, I'd sit on a jellyfish.

Different people handle gray hair in different ways. For example, my wife handles it with tweezers.

Wiffle bullets for today's blog were supplied by the National Humane Rifle Association, the exciting new group for hunters who love guns but prefer to shoot only stuffed animals

Scooters and iPots

2007-07-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush has commuted the sentence of Scooter Libby so he doesn't have to go to jail. But, personally, I think there's more to it than just a Get Out of Jail Free card. Look for Libby to take over a certain ranch in Montana in the summer and another one in Texas in the winter.
- Can't help but wonder what kind of jackpot Karl Rove will wind up with.
- Maybe a library at SMU.

This just in. Apple announced today it will soon be ready with it's latest high-tech gizmo -- the iPot.
- That's right, tech-heads, it's an electronic fold-way port-a-potty with ESPN, a game port, light beer on tap, and enough memory to help you remember how to use it.
- Available soon at PlumberShack.
- The iPot -- Perfect for waiting in line for the next trendy gizmo.
- Line up!

Michael Jackson is looking for a vacation home on Maryland's eastern shore. The poor guy hasn't worked in two years -- why does he need a vacation?
- If I had been Michael's publicist, I would have had him return to California and rent a room from Paris Hilton.
- He could take care of her Chihuahua.
- Advise her on her next video.
- And as a way of giving back, force-feed Nicole Richie.

Love & Learn

Torture Survivors Find Help - An estimated 400,000 torture survivors live in the United States. What many have endured was ghastly, worse than can be imagined. "These memories do not go away," says Majur Malou, a Sudanese college student tortured for speaking out against his government. But now there's help.

In Fashion: Cool Hunting Around the World - Intrepid fashion traveler Gisele Scanlon is the author of "The Goddess Guide," a 280-page reference on how to become a fashion diva.

"Sicko" Health Care Reform - Michael Moore's new movie "Sicko" is both funny and poignant. Some of the stories of Americans caught up in the bureaucracy of the American health system are truly heart-wrenching. The insurance company bureaucrats he exposes are cruel and capricious. Unfortunately, Moore ignores the positive side of American health care altogether.

More Exercise Humor - There's nothing like doing pushups to help you relax. Like this morning, I did 25 pushups and I was completely relaxed. I fainted.

Shallow Thoughts

Just remember, if it wasn't for this great land of ours, we'd all drown.

Remember, kids, fireworks are dangerous, so don't take chances. You could end up with nothing to see with ... or hear with ... or pick your nose with...

Never trust a guy who wears clothes. You never know, he could be a nudist in disguise.

I was scuba diving and heard this ringing in my ears. It was an underwater Avon Lady.

Now today's exciting appetite suppressant. Just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and try to imagine a life-size sculpture of Rush Limbaugh -- carved from Spam.

Six Flags Over Mosul

2007-06-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

Big News

California wild fires destroyed 220 homes in less than a day. California asked for emergency federal assistance, but FEMA said it'll be Thursday before they can send emergency marshmallows.
- Apparently, the Secretary of Health, Education and Marshmallows is on a fact-finding trip to Tahiti and forgot to take his cellphone.

Didja hear? Dubai's building a theme park. Hey, maybe we could help al-Qaida build a theme park, something they could be proud of, Six Flags Over Mosul.
- The great challenge, of course, would be getting it finished before one of them blows it up.
- "Okay, all you retired suicide bombers line up for the Shockwave."

Paris Hilton may be released from jail any time now. Since Paris has found God, her first big challenge was to get home without violated more than six of the Pope's Ten Commandments for the Car.

Angelina Jolie said in an interview that she and Brad Pitt hope to have as many as 14 kids. That's great. We need more children. In today's world children are the role models! We've got to make the adults go back to school and let the kids teach them how to get along.

Love & Learn

Today's Health Scene: The Skinny on Skin Cancer - In a world of sound bites and Internet rumors, it's not always easy to distinguish fact from fiction. But when it comes to skin cancer, being able to exclude the myths and embrace the truth may save your life.

Moving Warnings - Since this is the time of year when lots of people are moving, we're proud to present another warning in our award-losing series, "What to Expect When You Don't Know What to Expect When Moving."

Trivia: Saved TV Shows - Fans of "Jericho" fought to save their show and apparently won. How much do you know about this and other saved shows?

Pro Golf Tips - Learn the intricacies of the game from professional Tina Michelson.

Pop Talk: Norah Jones Takes 'Simple Music' and Runs with It - Norah Jones has been the best-selling female singer-songwriter of the past five years.

Now, today's safe driving tip:

Remember, never turn right-on-red when the driver coming at you has both hands over his face for protection.

Shallow Thoughts

My son's in Little League. In fact, this year he moved up to the "A" team. That's kids who don't cry anymore when they strike out.

I had a sore left arm. I told my doctor, "The pain is intense." He said, "Stay out of tents."

So much medical waste is washing up on the beaches: bandages ... syringes ... malpractice lawyers...

People who buy lottery tickets will toss $20 bills into wishing wells.

I think it's going to be a hot summer. The gophers are putting in a pool.

Bloomberg, Moore, and Sosa

2007-06-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Big News
Michael Boomberg has ditched the GOP to run for president as an independent. Bloomberg obviously doesn't understand the American democratic republic, based on the absolutely marvelous two-party political system that is the reason for government stability in this country. By now, without the stability of the two-party system with its loyal opposition, a president like George W. Bush, in any other country, would ether be exiled in Albania -- or America's first king!
- Independent my butt, Mr. Bloomberg, why would anybody vote for a guy who can't play the best political game in the world?
- Oh, he's worth how much? Thirty-eight billion dollars!!
- Okay, folks, let me introduce Mr. Michael Bloomberg -- the next king of the Unites States!

Michael Moore's movie "Sicko" opened this week. "Sicko?" -- Oh no, not another documentary about Dick Cheney!
- Cheney wants to attack Iran. And if he doesn't shut up about it, maybe we'll just load him and his shotgun and drop 'em over Tehran.

Sammy Sosa hit his 600th home run this week to join an elite group of sluggers. If he hits 600 more this season the Texas Rangers might not join an elite group of cellar-dwellers.

Love & Learn

A Gander at Geezers - The local newspaper has just hired a college student to do an occasional column on life as she sees it from the perspective of a 21-year-old. The other day, she zeroed in on baby boomers, deploring the fact that "people focus too much on trying to stay young."

Weekly Sports Trivia Quiz - Test your sports knowledge, not to mention your sports memory.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and trailers of Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Nancy Drew, Ocean's Thirteen, Gracie, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, Shrek the Third, Fat Grim. 28 Weeks Later, The Ex, and Georgia Rule."

Autoword The Audi TT Roadster - How time flies with the top down. Top up or down, the redesigned TT roadster is a top-drawer package..

Shallow Thoughts

I don't understand. I'm still gaining weight even through I watch several exercise programs while I'm eating.

The trouble with wine coolers is you don't know if they're domestic, imported, or mouthwash.

My little league team was very poor. We couldn't afford a bench, so everybody sat on me.

Well, here it is summer and I haven't seen one single Santa Claus at the mall yet. Does this mean Christmas will be late this year?

Pests? Get Dickcheneyicide!

2007-06-19T14:51:00.000-07:00

Big News

The U.S. Army is considering longer combat tours again. It all depends on the Bush Surge Tours of 08, 09, and O-No!
- This country doesn't need more troops, this country needs more psychiatrists!

Karl Rove is so efficient at destroying stuff around the White House, why can't he be Director of Roadside Bomb Destruction in Iraq?

Anybody know how Paris Hilton is doing? Last I heard she was in jail with almost two weeks to go and trying to get Martha Stewart to break her out.
- Hey, some of us are only as informed as talk radio....

Love & Learn

Summertime .. and the livin' is Scary - School's out, everyone's looking foreword to a great summer, the emergency rooms are gearing up... But you can still have a fun and safe summer if your play it smart. We'll tell you how. Except chiggers -- with chiggers you're on your own.

Video Game Reviews - Turns out a pirate's life isn't as fun as it looks with "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End," but "Heatseeker," is a fun and novel approach to air combat.

News Analysis: The New Democrats - The new Democratic majority - the first 5 months. Their own assessment.

In Fashion: The Frame Game - What is the one accessory you can't live without in the summer? Sunglasses, of course, and they've got to look so cool you could chill a margarita with them. And it does help if you can see out of them too.

Shallow Thoughts (Lots more at http://halife.com/shallow/shallow.html)

I am an environmentalist. That's why I never wear Styrofoam shorts!

I always go to class reunions. I just feel I should. Especially since I was voted "The Guy Most Likely to Spend His Life Going to Class Reunions."

Here's a wild new bug killer. The EPA has just approved the production of Dickcheneyicide.

We were very poor. I had a static electric guitar. To play it I had to keep rubbing my shoes on the carpet.

Ah yes, this wonderful spring weather reminds me of being a kid and Krazy-gluing Cheetohs onto Grandma's tomato plants

My wife says, "All you ever think of is baseball." I said, "You're way off base."

I have the solution for the high death toll from tornadoes -- underground trailer parks.

Guns, NRA, Congress, & Morons

2007-06-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

Big News

The U.S. House moved Wednesday to fix flaws in the national gun background check system that allows morons to buy guns. Even the NRA supports the bill, despite the fact morons sometimes have lots of money to spend on guns, many being related to Republicans.
- Yes, some morons are related to Democrats -- but they can only afford slingshots.
- Who knows? If we can stop morons from buying guns, some day maybe we can stop selling them to terrorists.

What's all this crap about "The Sopranos?" Folks, only 9-million people watched that show. That means the other 291 million of us had something better to do.
- You get the idea the TV critics are joining the politicians in not having a clue anymore about real life. Come on, guys, get out here and talk to people!
- What is "The Sopranos" anyway? One of those reality shows that keeps going until they vote off another fat lady?

Anybody hear anything today about the astronauts? We're so caught up with Paris Hilton and some dumb TV show that didn't end like the TV critics wanted, we forgot the astronauts!
- They landed yesterday and nobody was there! They had to carry their own bags!

This just in. Congress today voted to take enough money from the U.S. border security budget to build a 20-foot wall around Paris Hilton.
- A mobile wall -- one that goes wherever she goes.
- Some say it's welfare -- others say it's homeland security.

Love & Learn

Daddies and Slippery Socks - There is just something about a daddy. Men simply produce a different kind of energy.

A Father Named Volney - He was a child of poverty, heading a family at age 11 in Eclectic, Alabama, after his father died of a heart attack. He had no middle name. "Couldn't afford one," he always said, grinning as he said it. He grinned a lot.

The Skim Milk Cow - New Zealand scientists have discovered that some cows have genes that give them a natural ability to produce skim milk. Can chocolate milk be far behind?

A Father's Day Prayer - Holy Father, You are the one who knows how absolutely special fathers are. You made them that way.

Father's Day Fun - Father's Day is not such a big deal simply because, even when a man becomes a father, somewhere there's a woman doing all the work.

Shallow Thoughts

Spring fever slows everything down. Fast things slow down; slow things stop; FEMA goes backwards...

If you are what you eat, guys at the beach must eat a lot of Jelly Bellies.

This week two seasons come to an end -- the NBA season and the Texas Rangers season.

The worst part of swimming in a lake is when you go home smelling like your dog.

When baseball players are trying to rally, they turn their caps upside-down. When hockey players rally, they swap teeth.

A Couple of Goats Too Many

2007-06-11T15:16:00.000-07:00

Big News

A federal appeals court ruled Monday the Bush administration cannot use new anti-terrorism laws to keep U.S. residents locked up indefinitely without charging them. Unfortunately, with the Bush administration, it's really easy to get U.S. residents mixed up with whoever needs mixing up.
- The Bush administration is about as mixed up as its gets.

Rumor is Bob Barker may run for Congress. He has the name and the personality, he has 50 years experience at giving stuff away, and he has a long-depressed yearning to spay or neuter everybody in Washington.
- They say he could run if the price is right.

At last report, Paris Hilton was still in jail. She's getting worldwide publicity. The CIA leaked word today Osama bin Laden has offered three camels and 24 goats for her.
- Personally, I think that might be a couple goats too many.

Paris Hilton sent a message to the world today. She said, "Jail is NOT hot!"
- The worst thing is not knowing what's going on in the world. "Like," says Paris, "I truly miss the news on YouTube."

A new government study shows that kids' favorite vegetables are carrots, tomatoes, and green Gummy Bears.

Flea infestations are expected to be serious this year in two places -- in the South and on Howard Stern.

Love & Learn

Silence and Violence - Dad might beat Mom. Mom might pull a knife on a boyfriend. Mom and Dad or Mom and boyfriend might argue all the time. Or, simply, Mom could have a black eye when the kids wake up in the morning.

Duplicate Articles? Be Careful - So, is it wise to submit your articles to 25 directories, where they will be picked up and published on hundreds of Web sites? It could be very good promotion, but can you be penalized by the search engines?

Penguins Are Exploding! - Are penguins trying to take over the world or just pop culture? They are taking no prisoners, if only because their lack of opposable thumbs makes it difficult to manipulate a Taser.

Today's Soap Opera Update.

Today on "All My Childishness," Desiree writes the gas company to see if she can have a guy come by twice a week to read her meter, and the prenuptial agreement that Lance wrote on the back of a Hooters menu may not hold up in court.

Shallow Thoughts

I wish I had a remote-control for life. I'd sure put a lot of people on mute!

Tattooless and 100% Wrinkled

2007-06-07T15:48:00.000-07:00

Big News

Paris Hilton is now so well known, the Republicans have no choice but to run her for President.
- Face it, those other candidates will be elected President the same year we see George W. Bush's picture on a box of Wheaties.

After only three days behind bars, Paris Hilton traded a 12-by-8-foot cell for her 2,700-square-foot Hollywood Hills home when she was released Thursday because of an unspecified medical condition. Rumor is Paris is suffering from RHS -- Restless Head Syndrome.
- They'll have to watch her closely. She will break out of her ankle monitor, pick up Britney, and boogie 'till the cows come home.
- And in L.A., the cows are as unpredictable as the justice system.
- Particularly the one wearing the ankle monitor

Wow, what an NBA championship series, huh? At least four players and 17 tattoos could make the NBA Hall of Fame.

Love & Learn

Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - The makings of maturity ... Mom made a major mistake ... If harassment continues, fight back ... 'Druggie' shares woeful tale ... Instant mom needs help ... Sex no guarantee of love ...

Pop Talk: The Hold Steady - If there was ever a band holding steady on an odd career path, it's The Hold Steady. Nothing about this band makes any sense. Then, suddenly, it's band of the year.

The 10 Worst Things in Sports - Bottom feeding in the world of sports, sure to stir up a fuss with somebody. Maybe you.

Film Closeup: Orlando Bloom - Orlando Bloom says he has bittersweet feelings about the "Pirates of the Caribbean" franchise coming to a close with the final installment, "At World's End."

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science, super brain teasers, great trivia, and fun facts every week.

Shallow Thoughts

There was lots of excitement at the wedding. A bridesmaid caught the bouquet and was immediately signed by the Rangers.

Summertime, ..and the livin' is easy... Fish are smelly .. and the cotton is 100 percent wrinkled...

All I can say is, if Osama bin Laden ever shows his ugly face on this blog, he's in real trouble.

Maybe Pitchers Could Call Balls & Strikes

2007-06-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

Big News

In a leap forward for stem cell research, three independent teams of scientists reported Wednesday they have produced the equivalent of embryonic stem cells in mice without the controversial destruction of embryos. Which begs the question: Who on earth cares if they destroy mice embryos?
- Okay, maybe Mickey Mouse deserves special consideration.
- Republicans can push through a constitutional amendment...

President Bush tells the G8 summit he prefers to let businesses voluntarily cut greenhouse gas emissions to control global warming. Yeah, that's a great idea. It's worked really well for 200 years.
- Sort of like letting the Mafia voluntarily fight crime.
- Terrorists voluntarily check themselves aboard airliners...

Scientists said Wednesday a prehistoric hunter known as Oetzi whose well-preserved body was found on a snow-covered mountain in the Alps died more than 5,000 years ago after being struck in the back by an arrow. Wow, talk about a cold case!

Love & Learn

Where's the Outrage over the Latest Assault on Women? - Are liberals big, fat hypocrites? How else to explain the dearth of outrage over remarks broadcast on "Opie & Anthony," a radio show that puts the "moron" in moronic?

Keeping Safe at Home - It may not be as easy as some think. The Home Safety Council wants you to be aware of the everyday dangers you may encounter at home. And guess what? June is National Home Safety Awareness Month.

What Not to Buy Dad for Father's Day - Before you buy another polo shirt, another pair of khaki shorts or another predictable tie, stop and rethink your dad's (and your) sense of style. It may be time for dad to get a makeover, and you may be the one to bring him into the modern world of fashion.

Bringing Butterflies to Your Yard - To attract butterflies you must work to provide both lifecycle stages a home, the caterpillar and the adult butterfly. But it's fun.

To Be Equal: Africa - Ghana stands as trailblazer for African independence.

Shallow Thoughts

I think it's going to be a hot summer. My dog has shed all of his hair. And his ears are loose.

You needs lots of three things for a healthy garden: fertilizer, water, and Absorbine Jr.

I think my wife is using too much fabric softener. This morning I wanted to be alone with my socks.

They couldn't light a fire under the Texas Rangers if they ground up jalopena peppers in their Preparation-H.

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Who?

2007-05-29T14:55:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush attacked opponents of an immigration deal Tuesday, suggesting they "don't want to do what's right for America." He stopped short of calling them terrorists, but reportedly a bus for Guantanamo is standing by.

Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama on Tuesday offered a plan to provide health care to millions of Americans and more affordable medical insurance, financed in part by tax increases on the wealthy. That probably won't work. In fact, I think it was Jesus himself who said, "It's easier for a congressman to ride his camel through the eye of a needle than it is to tax the wealthy."
- And I believe that's in all four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Alberto.

Democrats want to challenge the oil industry's obscene profits. In a related story, the oil industry just named Nancy Pelosi Honorary Dry Hole of he Year.

I hear some oil companies drill dry holes on purpose. Makes a great place to hide money.

The oil companies say they plow all that money right back into exploration. I don't know much about plowing, but I think they're already spreading the fertilizer.

Doctors removed a bullet from a Chinese woman's skull -- 64 years after it entered.- She wants them to put it back.- "You get used to things in your skull," she says.

Love & Learn

Travel and Adventure: Kodiak Island - Kodiak Island, also known at the Emerald Island, and nearby Afognak Island are 250 miles southwest of Anchorage in the Gulf of Alaska. Both islands provide a paradise for hunters, fishermen, wildlife photographers and just plain nature lovers.

Paradise Tossed - Here is one man's story of his trip to a country paradise. Let's hope it is not yours. I could very well title this piece, "What the experts didn't tell me."

All the Good Things - I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, Mark, I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me.

Summer Movies - After a fairly strong spring (in box office, not quality), the Hollywood machine is reliably salivating over coming rewards. Check out the upcoming summer flicks.

Vacation Fun - "You know you need a vacation when.." And "How to Leave on Vacation Confident That When You Return Your Silverware Will Still Be There.

Shallow Thoughts

Gosh, it's almost June. Time to change the sheets.

I love going to the opera. Well, to be perfectly honest, what I really like are the tailgate parties.

I thought somebody had set my clock radio on a punk rock station. Then I realized I was listening to the alarm.

Rosie-Liz War Real Terror!

2007-05-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Big News

Presidential candidate John What's His Name -- the guy with the $400 hair -- says there is no war on terror, calling it an ideological doctrine advanced by the Bush administration to cover illegal activities. Which may explain why Americans are more interested in the Rosie O'Donnell - Elizabeth Hasselbeck war.

To make Memorial Day really special, Dick Cheney will fire a 21-shotgun salute at Jimmy Carter.

This just in. The CIA revealed today it has uncovered an al-Qaeda plan to disrupt the Indy 500 by turning loose 500 suicide armadillos on the track.

Love & Learn

Amazing Grace - An amazing story of God's amazing grace by Whitley Phipps, an amazing talent.

DVD Select - Newest, best and worst available on DVD, including Letters from Iwo Jima, Fay Grim, Mistress of Spices, Venus, Apocalypto, The Good German, loads from TV, and much more.

Smoke Gets in Your Mind - Long-term, excessive exposure to secondhand tobacco smoke increases the risk of developing dementia.

Yea, Dallas! - Dallas has the top two schools in America, yet many still believe the city has lousy schools. It seems to be a fad to say so, especially by folks in other cities who don't know.

Fashion Sense Can be Hazardous to Your Health - Being a slave to fashion can be a real pain in the neck. And back. And feet. And skin.

Shallow Thoughts

To make the Indy 500 even more exciting, this year half the cars will race clockwise and the other half counter-clockwise.

The Indy 500 is scary, so many firey crashes. If I was a racecar driver, I'd want my airbag full of water and my shorts full of Solarcaine.

Memorial Day is when we pay tribute to all our military heroes by sleeping late in their honor.

There are so many guns in America, the soldiers marching in Memorial Day parades aren't armed as well as the people watching the parades.

This Is a Serious Blog!

2007-05-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think maybe I will write like other folks. Maybe do a serious column giving my thoughts about President Bush. Everybody else is doing it.

My problem is I feel sorry for President Bush. The guy is President of the United States and he's not even qualified to be governor of Texas.

I blame Texans. Most Texans never vote. And the others don't have a clue who they're voting for. Never have. They always vote for the candidate they've heard of. Like, Ralph Yarborough was a senator from Texas for 200 years and everybody knew him. So when another guy named Yarborough ran for the State Supreme Court, everybody voted for him. The fact the guy couldn't serve because he was a convicted felon didn't matter at all.

Bubba Joe Bush could be elected governor of Texas. All she's got to do is run.

See, that's my problem. I can't be serious long enough to be serious.

Big News

A suicide bomber detonated himself in a crowded market in eastern Afghanistan Sunday, killing at least 14 people and wounding 31. Republicans sought to deter such attacks in this country by proposing an automatic death penalty for suicide bombers.

Newt Gingrich and Fred Thompson are hinting they likely will enter the presidential race. That makes something like 10 Republicans running for President. There would be more, but the rest of the Republicans will be too busy patrolling the border.

Now, today's severe weather safety tip from our resident weather expert, Galen Storm. Galen advises, in case of a tornado warning, be prepared to move to a place of safety. Like, for example, Peru!

Love & Learn

Expect a Masterpiece - But then there's Mary Clough. Mary has Down syndrome. She is a volunteer teacher at a school she herself attended many years ago.

The Next Generation of Suicide Bombers - Incitement to violence and education textbooks that glorify suicide bombers. Can it be stopped?

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and trailers of 28 Weeks Later, The Ex, Georgie Rule, Spider Man 3, Lucky You, The condemned, Next, Hot Fuzz, Fracture, Disturbia, and The Reaping.

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science, super brain teasers, great trivia, and fun facts every week.

Pop Talk: Joss Stone Takes Charge of Her Life and Work - Twenty-year-old Joss is one of the most popular female singers around. She has a vibrant, old-school voice that sounds a bit like Aretha Franklin in the 1960s.

Parent Care: Once the Care-Giving's Done - Now what? What do you do with your extra time? How do you redirect the effort you once put into care-giving

Shallow Thoughts

Remember, never put all your bath water in one basket.

You know it's time to do the laundry when your socks start tap dancing by themselves.

I don't have cable. I figure I already have plenty of channels not to watch.

The horse I bet on was like Al Gore. He couldn't decide if he ever wanted to run again.

Remember when you were a kid and the best TV shows were on Saturday morning? Well, they still are.

I wonder how God did all this, without a computer. Good heavens, maybe that's where the apple came from!

Nothing and Chewed Bread

2007-05-16T17:14:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a week in Colorado. Wow, what a majestic place.

We did absolutely nothing in Pagosa Springs and Durango, two of the greatest places to do nothing you'll ever find.

I know. I'm retired and I can do nothing better than anybody.

I did stand on our balcony one afternoon and watch my brother-in-law fish from the lake bank about 30 feet from our condo. Fortunately, he didn't catch anything or fall in, so it was a successful fishing excursion.

My wife and I and her sister and her husband went to all the high places.

I particularly enjoyed Mesa Verde and Wolf Creek Pass. At Wolf Creek Pass, we were so high I couldn't breathe. But when you're not doing anything, breathing's not that important.

At a museum on Mesa Verde I learned how to make chewed bread. I copied the recipe because I knew you'd want it.

==========================
Chewed Bread

- Shuck a whole bunch of corn and save the shucks. Shell the corn and grind it up really fine. Then, chew the corn meal until your saliva turns the starch into sugar. How much you have to chew depends on how sweet you want the bread and how tired your jaws get. Mix the chewed meal with more unchewed meal.

- Dig a hole in the ground 4 feet in diameter and one foot deep and line the hole with your cleanest corn shucks.

- Pour in three inches of corn meal and cover with more more corn shucks. Then cover it all with three or four inches of moist dirt and build a fire on top.

- Let the fire burn all night.

- Next morning, proudly serve your family the best chewed bread anywhere.

========================

My wife wasn't as excited about the recipe as I was. It reminded her of her public health days when poor moms in a South Dallas housing project had to chew their baby's food because they couldn't afford to buy strained baby food in a jar like most folks.

Nurses can poop your party sometimes, but the retired ones are still fun to do nothing with.

One day we drove up Cat Creek Gap along the Navajo Trail. We were the only ones on the trail. Not one Navajo showed himself. Just God's majestic mountains on both sides of the incredible San Juan River.

Road signs warned us to watch for deer and elk. I kept watching but all we saw was one rabbit scurry (hop really fast) across the road. And there was not one sign warning us to watch for rabbits.

I just love Colorado.

But, sigh, now I'm back home in Texas.

Not doing much of anything here either.

Might try to make some chewed bread but I always hated digging ovens.

Stay the Surge!

2007-05-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Big News

Democrats on Tuesday sent President Bush legislation setting timetables to bring American troops home from Iraq. The President insists he won't do it until they're through surging.
- "You just can't stop surging and suddenly unsurge, " said the President, "You've got to stay the surge."

Rudy Giuliani's first-quarter fundraising report shows he's the favorite candidate of the gambling, tobacco and alcohol industries. Apparently, guns and porn are still undecided.

President Bush says he has not read former CIA Director George Tenet's new tell-all book. But he has almost finished "My Pet Goat."

This is Kentucky Derby Week in Louisville, featuring America's premier horse race on Saturday. Kentucky is most famous for two things: the Derby and fried chicken. Most people do better betting on the chicken.

Love & Learn

Tips to Stop Thumb-Sucking - Gracie Salvino doesn't need to suck her thumb these days thanks to some advice given to her mom one day at the YMCA.

Raise the Gas Tax by $1.00 - Simply making vehicles more fuel-efficient has not been effective in reducing gasoline use. The best way to do that is by providing real incentives to consumers to curb their appetites.

Dear Doug; Senior Advice: Retirement Views - Retirement does make a difference, and if your husband isn't in the habit of helping out, it's time for a conference.

Believe It or Sit On It! - Completely useless trivia fun facts many find hard to believe, but it is. And even if it isn't useless, we don't care.

Travel and Adventure: Palm Springs - Three thousand years before Las Vegas, Palm Springs was the desert resort of choice.

Shallow Thoughts

I love umpires. I mean, who else can you yell at that won't fire you, slug you in the mouth, or make you sleep on the couch?

You know you need to lose weight when you go to Sea World and Shamu keeps winking at you.

I keep having these crazy dreams. Last night I dreamed I won a bag of money, a new car, and Gladys Knight and the Pips.
- Gladys ran off with the car and the money and left me holding the bag full of Pips.

Unpatriotism & Restless Face Syndrome

2007-04-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush and congressional leaders on Wednesday refused to compromise on Iraq. They knew it would be a tough day when the President walked in with his sleeves rolled up two laps...
- And wearing his new 10-gallon green beret.

President Bush said, "This no time for politics as usual." Which politicians always say when it's politics as usual.

My fellow Americans, what we have here is a serious lack of patriotism. "Unpatriotism" is the spirit Americans display when we can't find an enemy to dislike as much as we dislike each other.

Taxpayers in the Northeast swamped by a powerful storm just before the filing deadline can delay filing their federal returns for another week. They'll remember the storm of ought-7 for years to come -- the storm that was so bad nobody could pay their taxes.
- How many folks will be praying for another storm next week?

One of the tabloids reported today that Michael Jackson is suffering from Restless Face Syndrome. That's when you've had so many face lifts your Adam's apple is in your nose.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical humor site.

Love & Learn
How Much Music Can You Make? - Imagine this. A concert violinist is performing a difficult piece in front of a large audience. Suddenly there is a loud snap that reverberates throughout the auditorium. A story and lesson that has more to do with life than with music.

Models, Meet Your Parents - Can any idiot be a model? Well, according to a new book by Roshumba Williams, yes - with a lot of help along the way. Includes: 10 questions parents should ask potential agents.

Autoword: Audi RS 4 - The RS 4 is a staggeringly fast outlaw with all-wheel drive and a six-speed manual transmission. It's a racecar for the street, and some of the engine technology comes from Audi's racecars.

A Greener View - Clivia lilies, also known as Kaffir lilies, are native to South Africa, but they will bloom beautifully almost anywhere with just a little care.

Money and You - Law firm takes corporations to task for high 401(k) fees.

Today's horoscope...

Taurus: Today is an excellent day to buy western boots, western pants, and western cows. Assuming, of course, you are a cow person.
- And they have your size.

Shallow Thoughts

Remember, you can't fool all the people all the time -- but you MUST fool them during the campaign.

Job is my favorite character in the Bible. This was a man who suffered every trial imaginable, except having to deal with a credit card company.

Do NOT Deduct Cremation Costs!

2007-04-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Big News

A powerful nor'easter pounded the East with wind and pouring rain Sunday, grounding airlines and threatening to create some of the worst coastal flooding in 14 years. Now that's scary. You could wake up with your PJs full of jellyfish.
- And I bet a stingray in the cat's litter box is no fun either.

The Pentagon is extending the troop stay in Iraq to 15 months. That means the troops going over now will surge back just in time to elect a Democrat for President.
- Hey, we could win this thing after all.
- Then Dubya retires to his Texas library, somewhere in Pakistan Osama swallows his own beard, and just maybe Sanjaya's off "American Idol."

And get this straight. You may NOT deduct your funeral, burial, or cremation costs as medical expenses!
- This is important, so if you died before midnight December 31st, please read the section entitled "Death of Tax Payer" very carefully.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical humor site.

Love & Learn

Lifewire: Apples & Asthma - Mothers who eat apples during pregnancy might reduce the chances of their children developing asthma later in life.

Love, an Emotion that Transcends Religion - Nearly all faiths have something to say about love, marriage and romantic relationships. From Muslims to Protestants to Buddhists, religious-based groups have definite ideas on how their faith offers ideal guidelines for lasting love.

Evangelism Starts a Comeback - Many churches are declining, and the reasons for the slide depend on who is asked. The U.S. isn't as traditionally religious as it used to be. And mainline churches may be suffering from a fear of evangelism. But that could be changing.

Bring Back Summer Jobs Program - With the end of the school year a few weeks away, the prospects of putting America's youth to work to keep them off the streets this summer are pretty meager.

Shallow Thoughts

What's going on in the Middle East is called a holy war. Imagine how they'd behave if they weren't religious.

Don Imus is a very smart guy. Unfortuntely, he was improving his mind by resting it for long periods of time.

I finally paid my income tax. Now I'm ready to plea bargain.

Tornado Season Snowed In

2007-04-11T14:56:00.001-07:00

Big News

Beginning immediately, all active-duty Army soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan will serve 15-month tours — three months longer than usual. Sounds like the surge is becoming the surrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrge!
- President Bush said, "We have to keep 'em over there so we don't have to keep 'em over here."
- Dick Cheney called it good news, and told Fox News it's a sign we are winning.

Hundreds of airline flights were grounded Wednesday as yet another spring snowstorm spread across the upper Midwest. Schools were closed Wednesday and the Houston Astros at Chicago Cubs game was cancelled. Both Cubs fans had to ski home.

And tonight on "SmackDown," it's Geraldo Rivera versus Bill O'What'sHisName.- Loser has to fight Don Imus.

Love & Learn

Inside People: Public Speaking - Educators offer tips on overcoming stage fright.

The Alert Consumer: Yakety Yak, YackPack - In this day of rapid growth in technology, there is a form of communication that could replace e-mail someday - the YackPack.

Opinion: How Can We All Be So Close, Yet So Far? - Sometimes we protect our privacy so much that we forget to see the world around us. Our house is an impregnable fortress, closed to outsiders, even to those who live a few steps from us.

Autoword: Mazda5 - Why is a traditional minivan boring to look at, but a mini minivan can be hugable? Maybe it's the way Mazda puts together its Mazda5, which is either a tall wagon with sliding doors or a mini minivan.

Weed Control - Persistence pays in keeping unwanted plants at bay.

Today's spring jogging tip:

You know it's time to wash your sweats when your shadow starts holding its nose.

Shallow Thoughts

Why do they issue wind warnings for area lakes anyway? To give the fish time to take their seasick pills?

Tornado season is when Mother Nature throws out the first mobile home.

I don't even like baseball. I just go to the games because I love raw hot dogs.

Stop When Flashing

2007-04-08T14:00:00.000-07:00

Big News

Republican Newt Gingrich said Sunday Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should quit. Gonzales said he'll stay until the fat lady sings or President Bush says "You're fired!"
- Bush says he's not about to imitate Donald Trump, and Trump says he doesn't think Rosie can sing.

Christians around the world celebrated Easter on Sunday and prayed for peace. Easter is a time for us to resolve to live in peace with our fellow man. Now if we can only convince the two superpowers -- Bill O'Reilly and Geraldo Rivera.

Have you ever wondered how hiding and searching for all those plastic colored eggs must look to a chicken?

Love & Learn

Up Your Credit Score - How you can get a higher grade on your credit report.

Parable of a Child - His teaching changed. Every young person who walked through his classroom became, for him, a future world leader. He saw each one, not as they were, but as they could be.

The Goofus Hall of Fame - The Goofus Hall of Fame honors our favorite HaLife characters that are not famous enough for any other hall of fame. Yet.

Project-of-the-Week - An annual favorite for warm-weather relaxation, this two-bench lawn glider swing is a do-it-yourself classic.

Lifewire - A new ally in fight against breast cancer.

GOP's Scary Talk - Emerging Republican leaders are somehow ignorant both of habeas corpus rights and the Supreme Court's rulings. And they support the White House's disturbing push to have the presidency be subject to far fewer checks and balances.

Today's Leftover Easter tip.

Never put all your bunnies in one basket -- unless, of course, you want more bunnies.

Shallow Thoughts:

The world's dumbest sign is the one at railroad crossings that says, "Stop when flashing." As though anybody could walk with his pants down

We have temporarily lost our mind. Please stand by.

You can't blame baseball players for wanting more money. Gucci cleats are expensive. And you need big bucks for a Pierre Cardin protective cup.

This year the Easter Bunny brought President Bush a new cowboy hat made of beef jerky -- so he can eat his hat while he's talking through it.

Homeland Security Watches for April Fools

2007-03-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

Big News

Senate Democrats ignored a veto threat and pushed through a bill Thursday requiring President Bush to start withdrawing troops from "the civil war in Iraq." Dick Cheney said it a sign we're winning and invited Senator Chuck Hagel to go rat hunting in New York.
- President Bush will veto the bill just as soon as Halliburton agrees to finance the war.

Oh, before I forget, be careful out there on April 1st. Practical jokers can wind up in Gitmo.

Sunday is April Fool's Day. Unfortunately, in Washington April Fools stick around all year.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical humor site.

Love & Learn

Money and You: Spend Less - Live below your means, no matter what your means may be. Here are some helpful tips.

Lifewire - Pacifiers not only keep babies quiet or help them sleep, they might also save their lives.

Inside People: Children Respond to the Right Rewards - If you're trying to change your children's behavior, remember that bribing is a quick hit. Rewarding tries to teach the bigger picture.

News Analysis: Global Warming - Top researchers defend global warming report. An in-depth look at the subject.

The Alert Consumer: It's Never Too Early - Financial aid experts encourage families to start saving money for college early, even at birth.

Shallow Thoughts

I went to Mexico once. Spent three days in a border town called Nuevo Kaopectate.

It's March Madness, when people scream, push, glare, throw things, and have tantrums -- and the fans are almost as bad as the coaches!

I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed I won $75 million in the lottery -- and they paid me off in cereal. Cinnamon apple oatmeal

Did you see that new lineman the Dallas Cowboys signed? What a gut! He looks like his belly button came unbuttoned.

Soccer is becoming a popular sport in America. In fact, this year it's supposed to pass drive-by shootings.

Lions and Tigers and Liberals, Oh My!

2007-03-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

Big News

Republicans and Democrats alike sternly warned the FBI on Tuesday that it risks losing its broad power to collect telephone, e-mail and financial records to hunt terrorists because of rampant abuses of the authority. In a related story, the FBI began investigating 535 members of Congress.
- And their relatives.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Resurrection Presents Dilemma - Non-Christian religions' reverence and appreciation of Jesus usually stops at the threshold of the empty tomb or takes an alternate route. Yet the Resurrection, which will be celebrated by most Christians on Sunday, April 8, is still a topic that is addressed by most religions.

Happiness - We convince ourselves life will be better when we finally get what we thought we wanted. Then, we want something else.

No Need to Expand Hate Crimes Law - There is a movement in Congress to expand the federal government's law against hate crimes. But hate crime laws are a bad idea and should be repealed, not expanded.

Holy Week Chonology - There's a possibility that Good Friday should actually be Good Thursday - or maybe even Good Wednesday. And there's a probability that Easter Sunday should be considered Easter Saturday Evening.

Today's Music - Since there is so much confusion over genres, here's how to understand, identify, and clarify today's music. Unfortunately, you'll have to look up "genre" yourself.
To Be Equal - Americans need greater control over their homeownership dreams.

Travel and Adventure - The allure of Alabama's snowy sand coast is no fish story.

Shallow Thoughts

I saw the first robin of spring. He was chirping in Spanish.

The longest relationship I've ever had is with MasterCard.

It may be a wet spring. I just saw a squirrel wearing a snorkel.

I want you to know I do enjoy reading your comments. But I wish you would stop giving me your honest opinion.

Wow, See 300 Beheadings!

2007-03-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Big News

Seven more American troops in Iraq on Sunday stayed the course a day too long. I'm sorry if putting it like that makes Democrats feel bad. I'm even sorrier if it doesn't even phase Republicans.

Spartans continued to fend off the movie box-office competition as the battle epic "300" took the No. 1 spot for the second-straight weekend. Personally, I don't like blood and gut movies. I always throw up in my popcorn.

But blood-and-guts is very profitable. I'm surprised nobody's tried to sell season-tickets to the Iraq war.
- Halliburton could build roadside bleachers all around Baghdad. It'd be a real blast.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Use Your Greatest Power - Benjamin Franklin noticed that he had difficulty getting along with people. He argued too much. He had trouble making and keeping friends. So he made a choice.

Film Closeup - Jim Carrey finally tackles his first starring role in a serious thriller with "The Number 23."

In Fashion - Audrey Hepburn made the little black dress, by Mossimo at Target, famous. And guess what? She's still hip.

Pop Talk - Wynton Marsalis wields sharp blade in "Plantation."

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science, super brain teasers, great trivia, and fun facts every week.

Parent Care - Empty-nest syndrome hits parents and children.

Money and You - When markets head south, don't hit the panic button.

Teen Stress and Acne - A recent study shows signs of stress might be as plain as the blemishes on a teenager's face.

Today’s Soap Opera Update:

On "One Virus to Give," Lavonne tells Chad she accidentally soufleed their frozen embryos, and Skylar contemplates whether to write a suicide note on his Snoopy stationary.

Shallow Thoughts

To all taxpayers who are sick sick sick of paying taxes, I've found a loophole. You can go to prison.

Want to have your ears pierced free? Turn on the opera.

I went to church Sunday. I wanted to beat the Easter rush.

Vampires Applaud "300"

2007-03-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

Big News

The number one movie at the box office this weekend was "300," called by many as the most disgusting move ever made.
- The sequel, "600," will be our in April.
- If they can find 600 gallons of fake blood that quickly.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Teen Stress and Acne - A recent study shows signs of stress might be as plain as the blemishes on a teenager's face.

Home How-To - Removing Popcorn Texture .. Fiberglass Screen Replacement .. Condensation ..

A Greener View - Spring Gardening Tips .. Choosing quality garden catalog companies .. Pruning during dormant season won't hurt trees ..

Martha Stewart's Empire, Touch, Style, Kitchen - Martha's empire spreads all the way to inland California.

Failing the Troops at Home - Not since the Abu Ghraib debacle has the U.S. military suffered a bigger embarrassment than the service breakdowns at its top health care facility.

The Simple Truth - Here are indisputable natural laws proven through years of everyday trial and error stress.

Inside People - Losing weight is made easier by adopting a healthy lifestyle. And here are some helpful ideas on how to do it.

Shallow Thoughts

There are two types of drivers: Those who speed and those who get run over.

I get so depressed trying to exercise it takes four Snicker bars to cheer me up.

Today's incredibly intriguing amazing but true accurate correct fact:

Did you know there are 6,500 windows in the Empire State Building, and that's enough to keep a Peeping Tom busy for 18 years?
- And remember to forget where you read it.

Stop & Smell the Goats

2007-03-08T14:44:00.000-08:00

Big News

In a direct challenge to President Bush, House Democrats unveiled legislation Thursday requiring the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq by the fall of next year. Actually, some of the troops could stay, but Halliburton wouldn't get paid.
- So that pretty much takes care of Iraq.

Of course, in early 2009 Bush will no longer be President, so he might want to lead an expeditionary force in Iraq.
- Oh, I forgot, he's got all that brush that needs clearing.

President Bush left Thursday on a five-nation tour of Latin America. It's a good thing. Everybody now and then needs to take time to stop and smell the llamas.

I'll be surprised if the White House springs forward. Springing forward in the winter just seems too liberal.

Sacramento Kings player Ron Artest was arrested for domestic violence Monday after he slapped a woman who had attacked his Hummer with a frying pan. Defense attorneys will contend the woman did not have a permit to carry a concealed pan.
- Unfortunately, Artest's Hummer insurance did not cover frying pan assault.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Tween 12 and 20 - Parents should encourage, not compare .. Stick to ball games .. Tips offered for both sides of bullying .. Athletics not more important than music .. Wait until girl turns 16 to visit .. End unhealthy relationship immediately ..

Travel and Adventure - Jazz it up in Sacramento.

DVD Select - Newest, best and worst available on DVD, including Borat, Fast Food Nation, Confetti, a new VeggieTales: Moe and the Big Exit, and loads of TV stuff and more.

Travel and Adventure - Swedish designer glass blends artistry, craftsmanship.

Lifewire: Smoking and TB - A study published by the American Medical Association's found evidence that smokers have a greater risk of developing a tuberculosis infection, which can become active TB.

Shallow Thoughts

Did you ever wonder if maybe all allergies are caused by Kleenex?

Spring training -- that's when the teach all the rookies how to spit.

I save time in the morning by eating as I drive to work. The only touchy part is pouring the syrup on the pancakes

The neighbor's lights were really flashing last night. I guess they forgot to turn off the Clapper before spanking the kid again.

Fixit Panel to Work on Iraq

2007-03-07T14:42:00.000-08:00

Big News

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was fired from NASA on Wednesday, a month after she was charged with trying to kidnap a woman she regarded as her rival for the affections of a space shuttle pilot. No problem. Reportedly, she's already got a new job as test-pilot for Huggies.
- Hey, a lot of toddlers are flying these days.

President Bush said Wednesday his new fixit panel will fix the military health system. And, of course, he can always order a surge of nurse practitioners into Walter Reed.
- Doctors can only surge on the golf course.

March 8th is International Women's Day, a reminder that women are now a worldwide sex. They're everywhere! Even in the U.S. Senate.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Horrors of Combat Are Constant Companions, and Then ... - When you're a combat Marine and you leave the support of the military, it's like, "Who am I now?"

Money and You - Questions still pouring in about IRAs, taxes, refunds.

Sports Fact - Reds' record mediocre on opening day .. Sports Fact - There's history behind the Masters' green jacket .. Sports Fact - Golf tournament champion is all wet.

Home How-to - Fiberglass Screen Replacement ... Condensation ... Removing Fireplace Soot .
.
All About Dogs - HaLife reveals what every potential dog owner should know in advance.

A Greener View - Choosing quality garden catalog companies .. Pruning during dormant season won't hurt trees .. New plants require some babying ..

Shallow Thoughts

Don't confuse an avalanche with a landslide. An avalanche buries skiers. A landslide buries Republicans.

I save time in the morning by eating as I drive to work. The only touchy part is pouring the syrup on the pancakes.

This year we decided to let our son build the compost heap. He did so well with the one in his closet.

St. Patrick's Day is March 17th but April 15th is when most Americans get their Irish up.

Buy Bonds, Hunt Goats

2007-02-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

Big News

Iraq's neighbors, including Iran and Syria, have agreed to join U.S. and British representatives at a conference on Iraq security. The White House reportedly will ask everybody to stay the course and buy U.S. Savings bonds.
- As a gesture of goodwill, Vice-President Cheney will invite everyone to join him for a goat hunt.

The FDA on Wednesday approved the first drug for car-sick dogs. By Wednesday night teenagers were experimenting with it.
- Eight out of ten still threw up.
- On Thursday the FDA will be asked to warn dogs not to take the car sick drug while drinking beer.

Love & Learn

T oday's Lifestyle - Hydroponics: Cool gardening that won't get your hands dirty.

A Greener View - Pruning during dormant season won't hurt trees ... New plants require some babying ... Propagating Plants ...

Travel: Food Museums - Travelers can devour museums as well as cuisine.

Arts and Leisure: Online TV - Your favorite TV shows are just a mouse click away.

Shallow Thoughts

My son's room is so dirty once a week the rats come in and vacuum.

In these days of sky-rocketing medical costs, many hospitals have established out-patient services. If he doesn't have insurnace, they throw the patient out.

I started out to be a singer. But one day when I was practicing, the cat tied a rock around his neck and jumped into the aquarium....
- So I decided to become a blogger.

Cheney Okay, Market Plunges

2007-02-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

Big News

A suicide bomber attacked the entrance to the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President Dick Cheney. Cheney, who was not hurt, called it good news, and said "it is a sign we are winning."
- The Vice-President's brain is stuck.

Some 39.9 million Americans watched the Oscar telecast. Which means 260 million didn't. So the best Hollywood can offer drew only 13.3 percent, or less than half of President Bush's popularity rating.
- In comedy we call this "deflating the pompous.
- It's our job.
- It's not that hard.

Did anyone notice? The Dixie Chicks brought home the Grammys. Al Gore was big at the Oscars. And rumor is that John Kerry this week will be named to the Ketchup Spouses Hall of Fame.
- Assuming the Swift Boat Imbeciles don't plaster the Internet with photos of Kerry's mouth covered in mustard.

Film maker James Cameron claims in a new documentary he's found the graves of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and their son, Herb.
- In his next film Cameron will prove O.J.'s first wife actually gave birth to Anna Nicole Smith, who's grandfather, Lee Harvey Osmond, had 14 wives, one of which killed Anna Nicole Brown.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Catch Rays with Caution - A word of advice to young sun worshippers.

Changing the World - The purse contained 57 cents and a note scribbled in childish handwriting. The note read, "This is to help build the little church bigger so more children can go to Sunday school."

Travel: Two Koreas - A lasting unease between North and South Koreas.

Pitfalls of Payday Loans - Payday loans are marketed as a way to get fast cash to hold the borrower over until their next paycheck. But expect to repay much more than you get.

To Be Equal - Financial literacy an important piece of economic empowerment puzzle.

Analysis: Campaign - Will Romney's religion define his candidacy?

In Fashion - Blogs and blahs from the front lines of fashion.

Shallow Thoughts

I won six Grammy awards when I was a kid. My grandmother gave them to me for not embarrassing her in church

Don't you feel sorry for pro-basketball players? I mean, think how terrifying it must be knowing a small child could smother to death in your sock.

The couple next door don't have any kids, so I send ours over once a month to mess up their house.

Swift Boat Veterans for Trash

2007-02-21T14:37:00.000-08:00

Big News

British Prime Minister Tony Blair says he will start removing British solders from Iraq over the coming months. Reportedly, the Swift Boat Veterans for Trash called an emergency meeting to start rumors that Blair fathered Paris Hilton's Chihuahua.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site

Love & Learn

Aging Lifestyles - Dealing with sleep apnea.

Lung Cancer and Nonsmokers - Smoking isn't the only cause for lung cancer. In fact, more nonsmokers are now being diagnosed with the dreaded disease than in the past.

TV Closeup - Lucy Lawless plays D'Anna Biers, No. 3, in the sci-fi series "Battlestar Galactica."

DVD Select - Newest, best and worst available on DVD, including Babel, Shut Up and Sing, Man of the Year, Keeping Mum, The Prestige, For Your Consideration, and loads of TV stuff and more.

The Guy Factor: Overconfidence Makes for Risky Investments - In one study, men traded 45 percent more frequently than women and their returns were worse than the female accounts. The increasing popularity of the Web only fueled the phenomenon of male investors gone wild.

Shallow Thoughts

Native Americans served the Pilgrims their first popcorn on this day in 1630. Followed by another first for America -- interracial teeth-picking.

Skiing demonstrates the bones in the human body are a lot like campaign promises -- they're made to be broken.

Do you realize you could make a set of medium Longjohns out of Yao Ming's sweat socks?

Chewing tobacco for today's blog is supplied by P'touy de Paree, the exciting new chew made especially for ladies. Milder than that awful stuff men chew, P'touy contains a breath freshener, an antacid, and just a hint of Pepto-Bismol.
- In 32 gorgeous colors to match your lipstick.

Happy Lent and Stuff!

2007-02-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

Big News

Three climbers stranded on Mount Hood were rescued Monday. Thank goodness for mountain climbers and the people who rescue them. Otherwise, there's be no good news this year at all.
- I hope the rescuers had the good sense to grab a large chunk of the royalties to the climbers' story. Otherwise, I'd take 'em right back up there. (HaBlog)

Jet Blue hopes to get back on schedule Tuesday. The angry folks who were stranded for hours on the airliners last week will probably settle down as time passes -- at least until JetBlue bills them by the hour for lodging.

Mardi Gras is breaking out all over. Mardi Gras is a French term meaning Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday is an English term meaning "I think I'm gonna be sick!"

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Build a Better Brain - You work on your abs, condition your hair and pay dearly to have someone make your feet presentable. But what are you doing to make your mind sparkle?

Editorial: About Crying Wolf - Articles of Feith, Douglas Feith.

Get Off the Roller Coaster and Get a Financial Plan - Planning is vital to a good financial future, say financial planners, yet a lot of people don't think about it.

Travel: Worldwide Beauty - Spring flowers around the world.

It's Real. It's Here. It's Time to Tackle the Problem - No one can seriously argue anymore that global warming isn't happening and that human activity isn't a significant part of the cause. The question now is what to do about it.

Nothing Will Grow There! - "You're wasting your time. Nothing will ever grow there! Ever felt that way about your life?" Well, something just might grow there.

Shallow Thoughts

Mardi Gras is when you eat too much and drink too much. So it's basically Thanksgiving and New Year's Eve all rolled into one.

Every year Congress gives up the same thing for Lent: They give up any thought of giving anything up.

Of course, the liberals think if we'd legalize Jerry Springer, only half as many people would watch him.

Horoscope. Scorpio: A door-to-door Eskimo will sell you a side of walrus for your freezer. Do not cook the tusk in your microwave.

Leave Your Nose Dripping!

2007-02-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush said again Wednesday Iran is supplying weapons in Iraq. And he'll keep saying it every day until somebody believes it.
- It's called staying the course.

Blowing snow and sleet glazed windshields and roads across the Northeast and the Midwest on Wednesday, closing schools and snarling travel. It was so cold in upstate New York, the chill factor flew south.
- You know it's cold when your gallstones are chattering.
- Hillary Clinton said if she'd known it would be that cold she would have worn her hot water pantyhose.

> More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

> Great Editorial Cartoons every day at HaLife News!

Love & Learn

LifeWire: Sleepwalking - More children walk in their sleep than adults.

Autoword: Ford Edge SEL - Leading Edge: Smartly designed crossover SUV looks to be the future of Ford.

WellNews - A different take on fitness and health news: fun quickies that are actually interesting. A weekly roundup of the latest.

Decor Score - Couple has a shady future in their country home.

Money and You - New laws help employees figure out 401(k) plans.

Sports Fact - Austin Carr, master of March MadnessSports Fact - Mama's delimma: Who to root for?Sports Fact - Substitute makes most of all-star opportunity.

Home How To - Toilet Repair ... Tile floor installation. ... Stucco repair ..

A Greener View - Propagating Plants .. A bird watching weekend .. Roses, the ultimate flower: AARS winners

Shallow Thoughts

Well, my nose stopped running. I think it froze.

You know your car is too old when you take it into the garage and all the mechanics stand up.

No More Big News

2007-02-13T15:11:00.000-08:00

Bad News

Sorry, now that Anna Nicole is gone, there is no more news.

It's Valentine's Day, a day to express your true feelings to that special someone -- which is probably why Rosie O'Donnell sent Donald Trump two dozen dead roses.

Love & Learn

Health Should Be Group Goal for Families - Parents who have adopted a lifestyle to include healthy foods and regular exercise are living role models for their children. Parents who aren't quite there yet can follow these tips to help their children and improve the whole family's health habits.

Valentine Fun .... Valentine Trivia

Travel and Adventure: Two of the World's Best - Anyone who hasn't visited either Australia or New Zealand is missing out on two of the world's best destinations.

Bush Zampoliti - How odd that some 15 years after the fall of the Soviet Union, the concept of the political officer has returned - and in Washington, D.C., of all places. President George W. Bush last month signed an executive order creating regulatory policy officers within every federal agency.

FYI Travel - The Quiet Caribbean island of Grenada is beginning to make some noise.

Analysis: Media - The news media's credibility problem.

Love Quotes for Valentine's Day - If you're falling head-over-heels in love, been married 60 years, or just have a crush on someone, you'll find these love quotes can help you express your feelings this Valentine's Day.

Waltzing through Vienna - Vienna is the only city that lends its name to a waltz, cuisine and coffee, and its major food group is desserts. And there is oh so much more!

Prom dresses for 2007 - Catwalk designs for prom dresses in 2007 are promising to be more beautiful than ever!

Shallow Thoughts

It's Valentine's Day, the day, according to legend, birds choose their mates. By the way, male birds do not bring flowers or candy to their mates. The more romantic ones, I suppose, might bring a nice worm for dinner.

I'll never forget. Our first Valentine's Day, we had a romantic dinner. I was my first candlelight Whopper

My wife and I always get each other something sexy for Valentine's Day. This year I gave her lingerie and she bave me a Brad Pitt mask.

Klan Wins Grammy for Not Recording

2007-02-08T14:24:00.000-08:00

Big News

This just in. The Ku Klux Klan has checked into rehab.
- Apparently, word got out that a bunch of men cavorting around in white sheets had to be gay.
- Word is they got the group rate at the new Ted Haggard Rehab Centers popping up everywhere.

Grammy Predictions:
- The audience will gasp when Michael Jackson shows up and offers $190 million for Norah Jones' nose. Hey, it is cute.
- Mary J. Blige will hit a high note and shatter implants all over Staples Center.
- Gretchen Wilson will turn blue and suffer near asphyxiation when her hairdo falls and her face gets stuck in her hat.
- Elmer Fudd will win a Grammy for Best Cartoon Country Impression of Twavis Twitt.
- Everyone will doze off or tune out after the award for Best Country TV Soundtrack goes to "The Love Theme from the Monster Truck Channel." (HaBlog)

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

DVD Select - Newest, best and worst available on DVD this week, including Flags of Our Fathers, Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles, Running With Scissors, Hollywoodland, Cinderella III: A Twist, Trust the Man, Flicka, Soup of the Day, lots of stuff from TV and more.

Autoword - Infiniti retools G35, takes aim at BMW fans

WellNews - A different take on fitness and health news: fun quickies that are actually interesting. A weekly roundup of the latest.

Money and You - How to find - and screen - a financial adviser.

LifeWire: Soccer-Related Injuries - Soccer moms may want to take notice: Young soccer players made 1.6 million emergency room visits between 1990 and 2003.

Shallow Thoughts

Not everybody should go to college. If we're all educated, who's going to do the plumbing and fix the potholes and write the jokes?

This note from the Bulletin Board. Cub Scout Pack #8898 will not meet this afternoon. Your den mother was committed.

Wal-Mart Takes Over U.S.

2007-02-07T13:36:00.000-08:00

Big News

Wal-Mart and three other major U.S. employers on Wednesday joined hands with union leaders in setting a goal of providing "quality, affordable" health care for every American by 2012. And after they get us health care, maybe Wal-Mart can get us out of Iraq,
- It's possible. They could offer Iran and Syria Super Walmarts in every town with special everyday low prices for Iraqi insurgents and discount health care for suicide bombers.
- Best plan I've heard yet.

Tivo, Amazon.com, Walmart, and everybody else is offering video downloads. This makes it so much more convenient to not see all those lousy movies you wouldn't see anyway.
- It's always been a dream of mine, to max out my credit cards downloading videos.
- My other dream is to be able to download Whoppers and fries.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Tim Herd's Watchable Wildlife Guide - Wildlife observation in the right place at the right time.

Hat Attack: Fashion Makes a Cloche Call - In less than an hour, according to millinery designer Eugenia Kim, you can look like some of the world's most glamorous celebrities, including her customers Gwyneth Paltrow, Madonna or Beyonce.

Travel: Peru - Suddenly, there it was - Machu Picchu, the legendary 'lost city of the Incas.

$274,000 a Day! - The estimated entry fee for the 2008 presidential race will be at least $100 million. Candidates who haven't raised that much by the end of 2007 might just as well not leave the barn.

FYI Travel - Mingle with Mother Nature in Monterey.

Tips for Frustrated Parents - If your child watches too much TV, is a picky eater, battles you at bedtime or spurns potty training, child care authorities offer some practical advice for frustrated parents.

Shallow Thoughts

One credit card company wants to give me a card to pay off my other credit cards. This is like robbing Peter to buy a gun to shoot Paul.

I can't help it. During flu season I'm so paranoid, in case the postman sneezed on my mail I won't open it without microwaving it first.

What this country really needs is a Dirt Devil strong enough to suck up Howard Stern!

Decider, Discerner, Screwerupper

2007-02-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

Big News

Defense Secretary Robert Gates held out hope Tuesday that U.S. forces might be able to start leaving Iraq before the end of the year. How can he say that? He's not The Decider!

The Globe tabloid reports that Laura Bush wants a trial separation from her husband. Reportedly, the Bush's marital problems revolve around the same question as most marital problems -- over who's really The Decider?
- Of course, The Globe is not the best source for White House gossip. So we'll check this week's National Enquirer to be sure.

Love & Learn

Your Great Body - Anyone ever tell you you have a great body? Well, you do.

Travel: New York - Chautauqua County beckons even in winter.

Today's Health Scene - Simple test can help achieve weight-loss goals.

Big Tobacco's Incredible Deceit Continues - For decades, cigarette manufacturers marketed their products to minors, denied the addiction and medical harm their products caused and resisted efforts to make tobacco products less harmful. And now this:

Under the Hood of Windows Vista - After years of design, Microsoft has launched its new Vista operating system.

Analysis - Diplomat Ronen Sen: U.S., India shares interests, common values.

To Be Equal - Smith, Dungy and Obama breaking through color barrier.

Shallow Thoughts

It was so cold this morning the dog was trying to put on my sweats

Yeah, it's freezing, but look on the bright side -- there are no bugs to clean off your windshield.

The sidewalks were so slippery people were out there playing "Bumper Buns."

Honestly, my readers are so marvelous to me, sometimes I feel really unworthy of being so wonderful.

Rush Limbaugh to Train Iraqi Police

2007-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

Big News

Members of the Iraq Study Group say the U.S. has botched the job of training Iraqi police by assigning the wrong people to the task. Apparently, Erik Estrada and LaToya Jackson just weren't qualified.

The Super Bowl is now a national security event, to be guarded by three thousand civilian guards, Miami and state police, undercover cops and the military. Reportedly, Horatio Caine is livid he has to work on Sunday.
- The biggest challenge for security police comes at the end of the game when 75,000 drunk fans try to get out of the parking lot.
- By the way, in Florida it's a class-C misdemeanor to throw up a state trooper.

A West Coast mystery lover is paying $2.5 million to propose to his girlfriend in a Super Bowl commercial. My bet is she says, "No!" I mean, the guy's got to be broke.
- The last thing a woman wants is a guy who throws his money away -- on Super Bowl commercials!
- The guy's headed for rehab.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Money and You - Fee or no-fee, financial advice is not free.

LifeWire - Happy news from the American Cancer Society: Statistics show that deaths from cancer have declined for two straight years.

Arts and Leisure - Girls have gone metal: Female bands are shaking up a genre once ruled by males.

Tim Herd's Wildlife Viewfinder Guide - Wildlife observation in the right place at the right time.

A Greener View - Roses, the ultimate flower: AARS winners .. Lily varieties save the day .. Moth larvae can destroy squash

Shallow Thoughts

February is Sleep Safety Month, so remember: do not smoke in bed, do not sleep with fireworks or oily rags, and make sure your fireman always has a fresh battery.

My stock broker tried to jump out a window -- but the warden stopped him.

My ears are ringing so much I must have caught a cold from the Avon Lady.

This is the time of year for the Grammy Awards and the Mardi Gras. This annual event features weird people in goofy clothes—and we see the same thing at the Mardi Gras.

New Exit Strategy

2007-01-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush warned Iran on Monday to butt out of Iraq. The President is talking tough, even though there's no way Congress would approve an attack against Iran. But he probably doesn't need approval to bring the troops home from Iraq -- through Iran.
- Hey, it's an exit strategy.

The city of Miami is planning an official celebration at the Orange Bowl whenever Cuban president Fidel Castro dies. City officials are hoping Castro holds out until after the Super Bowl. Two stadiums full of beer drinkers flushing at once might blow the sewer system.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Today's Health Scene: Cardio Exercise - Physicians tell what you must do to take charge of your health.

Opinion, Analysis, and New Year's Resolutions - No promises made, none broken.

Editorial: FISA - With the Federal Intelligence Surveillance Act, the Bush administration followed the now familiar script - it ignored the law until it looked as if it would be forced to comply.

Keeping Hope Alive - Apples, he believed, gave the promise of harvest and hope that the wilderness would become home.

To Be Equal - Civil rights movement must continue to evolve.

'Tween 12 and 20 - True love is indeed possible at 14 .. Religious beliefs take top billing .. Sexual arrangement should cease .. Bring boyfriend home more often .. It's very easy to become addicted to crack .. If you care, stop smoking now .. A good education is worth the effort...

Video Game Reviews - With "Eragon," there be dragons! But how boring can you get? But with ''Metal Slug: Anthology," having so many games on one disc is enough to keep any gamer busy.

Now today's exciting health fact:

Did you know there's more vitamin-C in a raw potato than there is in an orange? Think about that tomorrow morning when you're drinking your potato juice

Shallow Thoughts

Ice skating backwards is easy. The hard part is doing it on purpose.

My marriage is at the point where I put on a Johnny Mathis CD and pour her some wine -- just so she'll have something to do while I watch the game.

Be it ever so humble, there's nothing like a home equity loan equity loan right after the holidays

Don't Eat the Squirrels!

2007-01-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

Big News

Democratic Senator Barack Obama called Thursday for universal health care coverage. Hey, new guy, it's my other body parts that need coverage -- my universal is fine.

Ford lost $12.7 billion last year. That's $4,380 for every car and truck it sold. So, this year, if they make even more cars and trucks -- and keep them -- they'll make a fortune!

New Jersey has warned squirrel hunters near a toxic waste dump about consuming the critters because they could be contaminated with lead. Yeah, and it's really hard to get that tail hair out of your teeth.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

LifeWire - The trend toward employing tall, lean models in advertising is probably here to stay. However, many psychologists suspect more and more young girls have eating disorders as a result of this trend.

Pop Talk: Jazz - World of jazz is thinking small these days.

Autoword - Small car, big world: Chevrolet Aveo not just another econobox.

Money and You - Broker's first loyalty to company, not you.

Sports Fact - First NBA All-Star game won over skeptics .. Sports Fact - Nevers' record stands the test of time ... Sports Fact - Players toss out synthetic basketballs.

A Greener View - Lily varieties save the day .. Moth larvae can destroy squash .. Out with the old, in with the new seed varieties

FYI Travel - Looking for a reason to visit Boston? New art museum gives you one.

Home How To - Hiring a roof contractor .. Repairing vinyl flooring .. Refinishing

Shallow Thoughts

I stopped to eat at a truck stop once -- but my gall bladder wouldn't get out of the car.

A specialist: that's a doctor who went to medical school and flunked all the illnesses except one.

You realize you shouldn't eat while you drive after you hit a pothole and sit there at a stop light with a chicken finger up your nose.

My dog is 14 years old, but he likes to fantasize that he's still young -- so I let him chase my exercise bike.

The Super Bowl proves who is the strongest and toughest -- just like the trash bag commercials.

I'm middle-aged, middle-class, and middle-of-the-road. I feel like that white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.

Republicans Love Hillary

2007-01-22T13:04:00.000-08:00

Big News

Iraqi police say nearly 100 people died in violence there Monday. In fact, insurgents are now killing so many people so fast, they may have to take a vacation until more U.S. troops get there.

President Hugo Chavez told U.S. officials to "Go to hell, gringos!" and called Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice "missy" on his weekly radio and TV show this week. In a related story, CIA rumors indicate Iraq's weapons of mass destruction may be hidden in Venezuela.

Republicans are really happy about Hillary's presidential candidacy. It's been sooooo long since Republicans had anything to laugh about.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Going For It - "Nothing ventured, nothing lost," is the motto of too many of us. Many people are so afraid to fail that they never venture beyond the familiar.

To Be Equal - Minimum wage must be adjusted for inflation.

Travel: Cimarroncita, New Mexico - A step back in time, like historic cowgirls.

Pop Talk - Jerry Lee Lewis' swagger is untamed five decades later.

'Tween 12 and 20 - Daily advice to teens: Don't date until you are ready .. Boyfriend's apartment may be too tempting .. Restriction not reasonable for a single C .. Tips for teens of divorce .. Build your bulk the old-fashioned way ....

Shallow Thoughts

Basketball is America's favorite running sport. Number two is avoiding child support payments.

Actually, I enjoy vacuuming. It keeps from hearing about all the other chores my wife wants me to do.

I'm not fat. It's just that my body naturally retains chimachangas.

I suspected it might be cold this morning when I noticed the penguin dancing on my window sill

Please forgive me today; my mind is elsewhere. If you're listening, Mind, would you please give me a call?

Nationwide PreNup Insurance

2007-01-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

Big News

The Justice Department, easing a Bush administration policy, said Wednesday it will look to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court to monitor the government's controversial domestic spying program. Uh-oh. Folks, this is a serious deviation from staying the course. Before you know it we could take back the invasion of Iraq.
- Hey, you've got to learn from your mistakes, right?
- Maybe we could release all those guys at Guantanamo and give 'em a life-time supply of government cheese.

Nearly 290,000 homes and businesses in the Midwest were still without electricity Wednesday because of the ice, snow, and high wind that battered the area. But look on the bright side. Aren't you glad it never gets that cold in Florida? Can you imagine the noise with all those alligators' teeth chattering?
- It was a three-dog night in Oklahoma. Unfortunately, most folks without power only had one dog and a gerbil.

Kevin Federline will star in TV commercial for Nationwide Insurance during the Super Bowl. In an effort to get Britney back, he'll use the money to buy her some underwear.

Love & Learn

Heroin's Hold, Part 1: An Addict Wants Her Life Back:- After two years of drifting along on a waiting list, she was just one week away from beginning methadone treatment and saying goodbye to heroin.

Heroin's Hold, Part 2: Users Seek Relief from Drug's Lethal Grip - White Oaks' detox unit will continue to offer help, and hope, to those suffering from every type of drug addiction. It houses 85 to 90 clients a month for average stays of three to five days.

The Simple Difference - "The Good Life" is not defined by possessions, but by pure and utter enjoyment of simplicity.

Today's Lifestyle: Party Fumbles - Avoid these 10 missteps when hosting a Super Bowl party.

Travel: New Mexico - The oldest continuously inhabited community in North America: Sky City Pueblo of Acoma.

How to Cure the Common Cold or Whatever - More illegal tips in our continuing malpractice series.

Shallow Thoughts

I don't mind violent movies, but I hate it when they sell popcorn in body bags

Most doctors have tropical fish in their waiting rooms. My doctor has tropical clams.

Warning! This blog does not cause drowsiness, so it's perfectly okay to operate heavy machinery while reading and pregnant.

Iraq Needs 20,000 More Hangmen

2007-01-15T13:29:00.000-08:00

Big News

Saddam Hussein's half-brother and his top aide were hanged in Baghdad on Monday. Seems like an awfully slow way to win in Iraq. It could take years to hang everybody in Baghdad. Kind of makes you wonder who's got the rope franchise?
- Probably a new Iraq-American company called Hangaburton.

A New York hospital is taking steps to offer the nation's first uterus transplant, a radical experiment that might allow women whose wombs were removed or are defective to bear children. That could be great, unless it becomes a status thing. And we're bombarded with TV commercials pitching the latest cool new uteruses.
- "Walking around with an old boring uterus? Get an exciting new 2008 SuperWomb GT!"
- "Guaranteed for 10 years or 12 children, whichever comes first.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Inside People - Ways to foster an attitude of gratitude.

Travel: Whistler Snowbiking - There's a new way to race down a snow-covered mountain.

Video Game Reviews - Customize your experience in "Neverwinter Nights 2," and experience a variety of authentic moves and characters with "Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles."

Analysis: Feel a Draft? - In December, the Selective Service announced that in 2009, it will conduct "readiness" tests for a draft. You know ... just in case.

Freezing What Syndrome? - The neurologist said it is very rare; he'd only seen two other cases; and there were maybe 10 others in the U.S. I told him, "Mr. Rogers always said I was special."

Shallow Thoughts

January 16th, only a week before my wife's annual State of the Marriage Address.

I was surprised by "Rocky Balboa." Honest, I thought they'd need a stretcher to carry Rocky INTO the ring.

The big problem with fast food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there -- and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.

Congressional Insurgents Surge

2007-01-14T13:50:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush says he will surge in Iraq evn if congressional insurgents want him to unsurge. Congressional insurgents, also called Democrats, say it'd be great if the President was actually the one doing the surging.
- Ah, don't you love the new bipartisanship?

The dance flick "Stomp the Yard" was a step ahead of "Night at the Museum" for number one weekend movie. Both are making big box office bucks. So any day now they'll start filming the blockbuster "Stomp the Museum."

More Big News every day at Laughs Today, the Internet's #1 topical comedy site.

Love & Learn

Editorial: The All-Seeing Eye - The voracious hunger of the Internet for information and video is like nothing else in history.

Travel: Whistler Snowbiking - There's a new way to race down a snow-covered mountain.

Video Game Reviews - Customize your experience in "Neverwinter Nights 2," and experience a variety of authentic moves and characters with "Naruto: Uzumaki Chronicles."

Inside People - Ways to foster an attitude of gratitude.

Freezing What Syndrome? - The neurologist said it is very rare; he'd only seen two other cases; and there were maybe 10 others in the U.S. I told him, "Mr. Rogers always said I was special."

Travel: Seattle - Seattle: The Emerald City still sparkles in winter.

Shallow Thoughts

Women will never be equal to men because a woman is totally incapable of falling in love with a shotgun.

This recycling thing is getting out of hand. Yesterday a guy offered me 30 cents a pound for my Corolla.

Hey, you know you're getting fat when your car waddles.

Remember, most addictions have side effects. Over-eating, however, has side, front, and rear effects

Radio Squawkers Back Prez

2007-01-11T14:04:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush's decision to send more troops to Iraq drew heavy fire from both Democrats, Republicans, and the public on Thursday. Fortunately, the President still has unanimous support from the only group that matters -- radio squawk show hosts.
- He's hoping to get his own show in two years on Radio Crawford.
- Can't clear brush all the time.

The big question now is whether 21,000 troops is enough to attack Iran.
- And whether the President can wait 'till the troops get there to order the attack.
- The carrier and "Mission Accomplished" banner just arrived.

More Big News every day at Laughs Today.

Love & Learn

LifeWire: High School Alcohol Abuse - Nearly half of all U.S. high school students admit to recently drinking alcohol illegally, and most of them were binge drinkers.

A-B-C Method of Attitude Management - The next time you have a problem -- at home or at work, big or small -- decide to manage your attitude toward it.

In Fashion - New sexier you for the new year.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews and trailers of Notes on a Scandal, Children of Men, The Painted Veil, The Good German, Night at the Museum, The Good Shepherd, We Are Marshall, Rocky Balboa, The Pursuit of Happyness, The Holiday, Blood Diamond, and The Nativity Story.

TV Closeup - David Arquette plays financial whiz Jason Ventress in the TV drama "In Case of Emergency."

Autoword - Volvo thinks outside the boxy with stylish, sporty C30 hatchback.

Shallow Thoughts

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It's when we all pile into the car and, as a family, yell at the other drivers

I'm not skiing again until they put airbags on all the trees.

They say kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. Now, what are the chances of somebody discovering that by trial and error?

We may have to do something about Grandpa. He keeps trying to call people on the TV remote. And he gets really upset when they don't answer.

My dog is so old the city marked several trees in the park "Handicapped" just for him.

Weapons of Mass Mess

2007-01-08T13:52:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush will make a major speech on Iraq this week. He's expected to change course by sending more troops and more money to Iraq. It's a change of course because this time he really means it.

Police shut down 10 blocks of in the heart of downtown Austin Monday after dozens of birds were found dead in the streets. Texas Homeland Security believes it was al-Qaeda testing their latest weapons of mass mess -- suicide grackles.

Love & Learn

Today's Lifestyle: Think Like E. Coli - A few steps will keep veggies from turning you green.

Opinion: Church-State - Taking oath of office using Koran is far from un-American, I swear.

Video Game Reviews - "Full Auto 2" for PS3 puts new twist on 'gunning it,' and "Xiaolin Showdown" is based on the popular animated kung fu show.

'Tween 12 and 20 - Daily advice to teens: Watch your best friend for signs of suicide .. Listen to Mom about dating rules .. What it means to be drug addicted .. Don't bug Dad about promised money .. Send her a card and then find someone else .. Young mom off on a good footing ..

Shallow Thoughts

Did you ever wonder? Does the Tooth Fairy get time and a half during hockey season?

You have to know God is very patient and considerate -- when you listen to some of the singing in church.

The National Rifle Association's idea of gun control is to hold their hands steady while they aim.

I figured it up. If I win the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, I can send my daughter half-way through college.

And remember this: When the cat's away, the mice send out for pizza and watch football on TV.

Saddam, George W., and Elvis

2006-12-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

Big News

Iraq's highest appeals court on Tuesday upheld Saddam Hussein's death sentence and said he must be hanged within 30 days. At last report Al Jazeera was in a fierce battle over live TV rights with Fox News.

Sen. Joseph Biden, the incoming chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, says he will fight President Bush if he decides to send more U.S. troops to Iraq. After thorough study, I've about decided the only way to win in Iraq is to bring home the troops and send over the politicians.

The Postal Service says this year's Wonders of America set climbed to second place in the most popular stamps, but Elvis is still the King, And, you'll recall, the original 29-cent Elvis stamp was the first one in history with gravy-flavored glue.

Love & Learn
Kwanzaa: Habari Gani? - Kwanzaa is an African American celebration that started in California in 1966 and continues to grow each year. This year millions will participate.

To Be Equal: Xavier's Dr. Norman Francis - In selfless pursuit of a better society.

'Tween 12 and 20 - Daily advice to teens: Females become intoxicated faster than men .. Sassy mouth gets teen grounded .. Cigarette smokers more likely to use drugs .. Cheerleaders deserve varsity letters .. May-December marriage bucked the odds .. Good things that happen when you quit smoking ..

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science, super brain teasers, great trivia, and fun facts every week.

Home Zone - With a range of more than 300 feet and a battery life of several months, KwikPeek wireless cameras allow you to monitor driveways, large yards and other areas far from AC power sources.

The Alert Consumer: How to Shop for an HMO - Think a health maintenance organization is the best kind of insurance for you? Now, you just have to figure out which one. Many employers offer a choice of two or three.

Aging Lifestyles - Should women travel alone?

Shallow Thoughts

It was a Christmas miracle. Our family didn't get into one argument all day.

The week between Christmas and New Year's is for returning gifts and thinking up resolutions to break on January 2nd.

Longjohns for today's blog are provided by Fruit-of-the-Goose. That's right, blizzard fans, goose-down longjohns keep you twice as warm as the regular kind. And after a while you get used to the tickling.

Rudolph's Nose Shorts Out

2006-12-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush wants to increase the size of the Army and Marines. So what's he going to do? Draft their mothers to provide home cooking?
- Or just add lard to the beer?
- It probably would taste better.

The Pentagon wants another $100-billion for Iraq and Afghanistan. They need one more big pay day for Halliburton before the Democrats take over.

This just in from the North Pole. Santa Claus announced today he will stay the course and deliver toys to all good little Republican boys and and their girlfriends.
- Assuming Rudolph can get his nose rewired in time.
- Dumb reindeer keeps sticking his nose in the wrong place and blowing fuses.

Love & Learn

Decor Score - The artful way to decorate a home.

WellNews - All the news that's fit. A different look at health and fitness news, fun facts, and trivia.

Sports Fact - Number 7 brings luck in Pro Football Hall of Fame ... Sports Fact - Football won over chariot races in Pasadena ... Sports Fact - NASA astronaut makes historic drive.

Home How To - Tips for do-it-yourselfers: Caring for your silver ... Cleaning cultured marble ... Chimney flashing.

Shallow Thoughts

Everyone gets something for Christmas. Rich people get gifts and poor people get tax forms.

I must be losing my mind. Every time I walk into a mall I hear bells.

Mistletoe for today's blog is supplied by Marvelous Marvin's Mood Mistletoe, gathered by Malaysian monks from the mysterious mononucleosis tree and guaranteed to turn bright orange when Mr. Right attacks you under it.
- Available at participating Conoco stations.

Peace on Earth and WHAT!?

2006-12-19T12:33:00.000-08:00

Big News

Inflation at the wholesale level surged by the largest amount in more than three decades in November, reflecting higher prices for gasoline and a host of other items. Americans aren't worried -- they fully plan to emerge from bankruptcy as soon as they receive all those mail-in rebates.
- Of course, they're counting on getting the rebates before they change identities to avoid paying off the credit cards.
- Hey, in America, timing is everything.

Donald Trump will let Miss USA keep her title. In return, Tara Conner promises to check into rehab and never throw up on The Donald's hair again.

Love & Learn

A Greener View - Pick a winner for your flower and vegetable gardens from the 2007 All-America Selections winners.

To Be Equal: Bell Shooting - The recent tragic police shooting of 23-year-old Sean Bell near a New York strip club on the morning of his wedding gave Mayor Michael Bloomberg a golden opportunity to show off his race-relations skills and for Rev. Al Sharpton to prove he could reach out across the aisle in hopes of defusing a potentially explosive situation.

Today's Health Scene - Vagus nerve stimulation therapy: Surgical relief for depression

TV Closeup - On “ER,” John Stamos plays Tony Gates, an emergency medical technician who happens to be a Gulf War veteran with dyslexia and serious temper issues.

Classic Christmas Toys - As a public nuisance, we proudly recall another of the All-Time Classically Questionable Christmas Toys

Opinion: Lumps of Coal - It's becoming a common recipe: Take a bumbling bureaucrat, add the Baby Jesus, and stir.

Shallow Thoughts

How about Osama's Christmas message: "Peace on Earth and Death to Americans!"
- Sometimes I think Osama's turban is screwed on too tight.

Christmas shopping for your parents is easy. Just choose stuff you wouldn't be caught dead in.

I'm old fashioned. I like to go in the woods and cut down my own tree -- and stay in the woods until after Christmas.

I was planning to start my Christmas shopping last week, but I couldn't find my red kettle.
- Great way to earn extra Christmas money.

First, God created beautiful sunrises, but nobody got up to look at them. So he created babies, telephones, and garbage trucks.

McCain Says Send Dixie Chicks

2006-12-14T13:11:00.000-08:00

Big News

Senator John McCain said Thursday that America should deploy more troops to Iraq. He did not immediately volunteer to go himself.
- Probably prefers to send Democrats.
- He could send young Republicans -- but there aren't any.

And the President says he can't be rushed while thinking about what to do in Iraq. If he'd given half as much thought to getting into Iraq as he's giving to getting out of Iraq, we never would have been in Iraq.

Actually, it's kind of sad. Iraq has no army, no navy, no air force to protect itself -- just like before the U.S. invaded.
- Here's the sad part. We still can't beat these guys!

All Iraq ever had was a smart-alec leader lying about weapons of mass destruction.
- Actually, that's about all we had, too.
- Plus, of course, truth and the Dixie Chicks.

Love & Learn

Today's Scene - Commercial side of Christmas takes over with emphasis on gift-giving.

A Greener View - Here's how to protect trees from winter damage.

Editorial: Judicial Vacancies - One of the worst things to emerge from the deep partisan divide in Congress is the continuing politicization of the judicial nomination process.

To Be Equal - Achievement gap between white and black students seems to be widening.

Today's soap opera update:

On "The Young and The Senseless," Olivia receives an anonymous letter hinting that her bowling average has been tampered with.

Shallow Thoughts

You know you're getting a little too heavy when you're sprawled on the floor and your 4-year-old jumps onto your stomach and yells, "Hi yo, Shamu, away!"

Ah, the weekend -- that wonderful time when you pull up and stop to let the strain go by.

Why Rudolph's Nose Is Red

2006-12-13T13:55:00.000-08:00

Big News

In a press conference at the White House today, President George W. Bush flatly refused to set a timetable for reading the Iraq Study Group’s report, telling reporters that doing so “would send the wrong message to our enemies.” (BorowitzReport.com)

Love & Learn

Inside People: Christmas Blues - In what should be a season of joy, too many Americans dread the excess and expense the holiday season brings.

Smarter Toys - This year Santa had better not forget the batteries. There's a new crop of electronic playthings in stores for Christmas.

In Fashion - Mistletoe must-haves: best beauty bets for holiday gift giving.

Today's Lifestyle: Affordable Christmas Fun - A Christmas list of gift suggestions, decorating pointers and entertaining tips to add spirit to all your yuletide and New Year's gatherings.

Today's Health Scene: Human Memory - Science inches closer to explaining how we remember and why we forget.

Christmas Fun-Liners - A HaLife nonsense look at Christmas.

Analysis: The Cost of Unwed Parenting - Births to unwed parents exact higher price than we care to admit.

Forget the Duck! - Some people live their whole lives enslaved. They never let themselves be forgiven. They just can't forget the duck.

A Christmas Letter from God - Children, If you want to give Me a present to remember My birth, here is My wish list.

Shallow Thoughts

First, God created man. Then, God created woman. Then God said, "I hope this works."

For the third year in a row, my wife has won the Heismann Shopping Trophy.

I figured out why Rudolph has a red nose. He's allergic to all that cheap cologne he delivers

Did you see the ads for appliances with "space-age electronic circuitry?" That's sales talk for "when it breaks, you can't fix it."

It's weird. During the holidays my clothes seem to get really crowded.

Staying the Course

2006-12-06T12:21:00.000-08:00

Big News

A high-level commission said Wednesday President Bush's policy in Iraq "is not working," And how much did we pay these guys?
- Everybody on Earth and vicinity knew that!
- The commission did offer dozens of proposals to improve the situation. President Bush pledged to treat each proposal seriously and stay the course in a "timely fashion."

Love & Learn

Getting to Know Jesus Better and Better - Who is this Jesus, this Savior we talk about more during the Christmas season?

Editorial: Commander Needs Consent of the Governed - President Bush sought to clarify any confusion about who the nation's commander in chief is this week. Make no mistake, he's calling the shots on his war in Iraq, no one else.

LifeWire: Prescription Danger - Many Americans are in danger when it comes to taking prescription medicine because they cannot understand how much and how often the medication should be taken.

A Greener View - Don't pine for a Christmas tree that needs too much sprucing

To Be Equal - Diversity on Capitol Hill: The 'crazy aunt' Congress won't let out of the attic.

Family Christmas Traditions - The holidays are a time to revel in the gratitude and love we feel for one another. Here are 25 meaningful ways to celebrate your togetherness this season.

Inside People: Gifts - The wrong gift at the wrong time can be disastrous for new couples.

Shallow Thoughts

It's a little strange. When I was 18 I knew everything. Now I'm much smarter and I don't know anything.

I don't believe there's basketball in heaven. You can't have basketball without referees, and there's no way referees are in heaven.

We now have a lame duck Congress. And to be honest, I feel like a lame duck tax payer.

Of Grouches & Nematodes

2006-12-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

Big News

Since the U.S. Senate won't confirm his nomination, UN Ambassador John Bolton has resigned. Democrats say it's Bolton's fault for being such a grouch and refusing to shave off that goofy looking moustache.
- Nobody's going to take Ambassador Groucho seriously.

CBS says David Letterman will stay on the late-night airwaves until 2010. Dave said his Mom okayed the deal.
- If Dave gets tired, he can always let Paul Shaffer and the band play longer than 15 seconds.

Love & Learn

Today's Lifestyle - A little planning relieves stress of holiday guests.

TV Closeup - John Goodman plays a disillusioned Santa Claus in a remake of the 1974 holiday favorite “The Year Without a Santa Claus.”

Video Game Reviews - "ATV Offroad Fury 4" shows franchise is still on track, and seasoned fans will be pleased with "Avatar: The Last Airbender."

'Tween 12 and 20 - Even a few beers every day is a problem .. Skip the fries but don't skip breakfast .. You've got to ask first to get a date .. Even smoking cornsilk is unwise .. Peer pressure is powerful .. Time to make new friends .. Adoption a viable option .. Swearing is not a phase ..

Film Closeup - Jack Black and his band Tenacious D once had a short-lived HBO television series. Now they have a wild new movie, “Tenacious D: The Pick of Destiny.”

Points on Pets - Warm weather influences cat reproduction.

Today's Lifestyle - 12 days of Christmas hardly enough for stepfamilies.

Blog Bulletin Board:

Tonight at 7:00 the Dallas Garden Club will feature lawn & garden comedian Casey Compost, who will present his informative and quite humorous talk on nematodes.
- Since refreshments will be served, Casey has promised not to do his grubworm jokes.

Shallow Thoughts

I thought I saw Santa Claus. But it was just Rush Limbaugh in his red underwear -- running from a bunch of feminists.

Santa know who's been naughty. He reads the tabloids.

I was an obscene baby. I was born naked and my mother never forgave me.

Decking Each Other

2006-11-28T12:48:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush said Tuesday the U.S. will not withdraw from Iraq. It's the same thing he has said every day for almost four years. It's like the leader of the free world is a recording.

President Bush has two turkeys. His Thanksgiving turkey -- and Iraq.

Pope Benedict the 16th on Tuesday urged the world's religions to support non-violence. Gee, it's getting a little scary out there when you have to beg the good guys to play nice.
- In other words, if the lion laid down with the lamb today, the lamb might eat him!

Love & Learn

Why Deck the Halls When We Can Deck Each Another? - You may not have noticed because you've been too busy actually living life, but the "Holiday Wars" are set to begin.

LifeWire: Heartburn Season - An abundance of rich foods during the holiday season poses problems for more than just our waistlines. Overindulgence could turn the yuletide into heartburn season for many Americans.

The Alert Consumer: Digital TV - More people than ever are trying to figure out the complicated transition from analog to digital TV, a world filled with acronyms, engineering numbers and new accessories.

In Fashion: Give the Gift of Red - Go Red and help in the fight against AIDS in Africa by buying Red fashion clothing and accessories.

Today's question for sober minds:

How come a martini before dinner gives adults an appetite, but a Pepsi will spoil a child's?

Of Turkeys and Such

2006-11-26T12:47:00.000-08:00

Big News

Dick Cheney didn't accomplish much on his trip to Saudi Arabia. No one's surprised. The only reason he went was to keep him from shooting America's Thanksgiving Turkey.
-Yeah, and the bird might have been in danger too.

Bobby Knight will become college basketball’s winningest coach. Odds are he'll also be the first coach to throw the trophy.
- Oddly, Madonna decided not to adopt Bobby after he slapped her.

Love & Learn

Fitness Forum: Running for Her Life - After losing 20 pounds, Karen Wells began training to run marathons. She runs with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society’s Team.

Pop Talk - Regina Spektor's wonderfully idiosyncratic music sounds just right for a classically trained Russian singer-songwriter who is equally steeped in the work of The Beatles, Pink Floyd and Tchaikovsky.

Home Zone - After selling 2 million Roomba vacuuming robots, iRobot Corp. has taken the concept of self-propelled floor cleaning further, evolving two new species: Scooba, a floor-washing robot, and Dirt Dog, a rugged vacuum for the workshop.

Dear Doug: Senior Advice - Keep quiet about the details of wife's estate.

Fabulous First Nights - When it comes to New Year's Eve, lots of cities throw one heck of a party. It's called First Night and it's alcohol-free and family friendly - a community celebration of the arts that marks the passage from the old year to the new with art, ritual and festivity. Might be one near you.

Today's tip for expectant parents:

Don't name your baby something weird or embarrassing. Choose a good old-fashioned American-sounding name like Tipper, Whoopi, or P-Diddy.

Shallow Thoughts

The first half of life, you know it all. The second half of life you forget it all.

I miss the big cars. It's crazy. Back then, luxury was so cheap. Now, economy is so expensive.

National Turkey More Popular than President

2006-11-22T12:49:00.000-08:00

News and Nonsense. Which Is Which?

It was embarrassing. President Bush pardoned the National Thanksgiving Turkey. The turkey said, "Thanks, Bro."
- It was quite a surprise. The President pardoned two National Turkeys, and both were birds.
- Everybody thought at least one would be Scooter Libby.

One turkey farm employed a unique labor-saving device this year. They piped in Paris Hilton's CD and the turkeys wrung their own necks.

Tanksgiving gives us one last chance to give thanks for everything -- before we spend it on Christmas.

I always start my Christmas shopping the day after Thanksgiving. I know by then all the toys advertised on TV are already sold out.

Love & Learn

Ten Tips to Transform Thanksgiving - Here is an offering of ten simple ideas that can help add more meaning to your Thanksgiving experience.

Today's Scene: Turkey Trivia - Gather 'round, pilgrims, and test your knowledge of Turkey Day trivia.

Editorial: Punishing Babies Is Not Immigration Reform - In the world of politics, there are bad ideas and then there are ideas that are just plain dreadful.

LifeWire - Tips to maintain a fire-safe home this winter.

Ed Bradley, Gentleman Journalist - During his 25 years at "60 Minutes," where he produced 500 pieces, he established himself as one of television's most enduring fixtures - ranking among the TV's all-time most influential blacks.

Inside People: Cheating Children - Parents should build trust and cut cheating by example. It takes a little more work, but it is worth it.

Today's turkey trivia:

The turkey is the dumbest domesticated creature on earth. Yet the turkey, as stupid as he is, has sense enough not to stuff himself on Thanksgiving.

Shallow Thoughts

The first Thanksgiving was celebrated by Pilgrims and wild Indians. We don't have Pilgrims anymore. All we have are Democrats and Republicans running around like wild Indians.

Turkeys on today's blog were stuffed by We Stuff It, the fastest turkey stuffers in town.
- Yes, ladies, if stuffing a turkey makes you want to throw up, this year bring your bird to We Stuff It.
- Just stuff it through our convenient drive-through window and we stuff it while you wait. You don't even have to look.
- Not to be confused with Giblets 'R' Us, where they sometimes forget to wash their hands.

Strange isn't it? We're upset about foreigners coming here, but the big reason we celebrate Thanksgiving is because foreigners came here.

The turkeys we buy are expensive, but not nearly as costly as the ones we elect.

I love Thanksgiving. All the relatives come over. We have four generations getting indigestion together.

I have this gut feeling that people who eat cranberry sauce will eat just about anything.

Remember, for that true Texas Thanksgiving taste, roast your armadillo in the shell.
- Of course, you'll have to carve it with a sharp chainsaw.

Email Friends

2006-11-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

The great thing about email is that it's so easy to share stuff.

Fun stuff.

I was having a terrible horrible no good very bad day when a couple of fun emails arrived.

My friend Yves sent an article expressing concern about the Germans. Yves is an old UPI guy who now works PR for the federal government. He is maintaining his sense of sharing and humor through a hellacious bout with esophageal cancer. He normally worries about the French or the Russians, and now he's apparently concerned about the Germans.

The Germans' sense of humor.

"My Dear Krauts: Humor Lessons for a Paranoid Nation" by David Crossland. An article pointing out the belief that Germany needs to laugh more.

I feel sure Yves won't mind me sharing the article with you. He's just that kind of guy.

Then I get another email from my daughter, Carrie, who works PR for Baylor University's Truett Seminary. Apparently, Carrie had a little free time since she just finished another successful annual Youth Day at Baylor.

And, of course, whenever she has a free moment she always emails old dad with something clever to brighten his day, knowing how Dad sometimes worries about the world situation, the Mavericks, and things like Germany's sense of humor.

Carrie sent some wonderfully funny photos proving that, indeed, the lion will lie down with the lamb, and the cat may fall for the dog.

Funny photos from a French site called Yatahonga. I'm sure the French won't mind me passing along the link.

And who knows, maybe somebody will send it to a few German friends who might need a laugh.

A Burrito Is a Burrito!

2006-11-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

News & Nonsense: The trick is to tell which is which.

A Massachusetts judge has ruled a burrito is not a sandwich. Apparently now that gay marriage isn't such a big issue, pretty much anything can get on the docket. (Jim Barach)

The Dallas suburb of Farmers Branch became the first Texas city to pass tough anti-immigration measures and make English the official language. Which seems a bit strange since many Farmers Branch residents only speak Farmer.
- Or as we called it back home, Hickese.

New Laughs

Picked this one up from funny buddy Jake Novak: CNN Warp

Looks like even serious guys are jumping into the nonsense business. Great! The more the funnier.

News that Matters:

Rummy's still got problems. Der Spiegel says some want him tried for war crimes.

Editorial: Taming the Federal Beast - One of these days we're going to wish we'd paid more attention to David Walker. Walker is the nation's comptroller general - basically America's top accountant. And he speaks with all the fervor of an evangelist on his favorite topic: the coming train wreck that is federal finances.

To Be Equal - More blacks are entering college, but fewer are graduating.

Inside People: Nutrition Fiction - On your mark. Get set. Gobble: Time to let out the belt a notch and hide the bathroom scale. Eating season is in high gear. And it's high time to separate nutrition fiction from fact.

And, of course, more fun stuff;

Today's Scene: Turkey Trivia - Gather 'round, pilgrims, and test your knowledge of Turkey Day trivia.

Shallow Thoughts

Don't you find it depressing that almost everyday somebody announces a new drug for depression?

If American adults are drinking less alcohol while their children are drinking more, don't we need a designated driver to drive beer commercials off TV?

Boy, they’re handing down tough sentences at the court house. One drunk driver actually got 90 days at hard probation.

So, when do you think we can expect the launching of the Senior Nintendo Tour?

Democrats, Republicans, Gooses & Ganders

2006-11-09T14:28:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush and Nancy Pelosi had lunch on Thursday. Apparently, it was a successful meeting. Nobody got shot.
- The President had Cheney nearby for protection.

What a week. Democrats win everything. Nancy Pelosi marches into the White House. Yet amazingly, no talk radio guy has had a heart attack.
- Yet!

Millions of bottles of the widely used pain reliever acetaminophen are being recalled because they may contain metal fragments. Apparently, the main danger is to people who walk by their refrigerator and get attacked by flying magnets.

November 10 Now & Then

This is Youth Appreciation Week. Me, I appreciate youth so much I've decided to remain immature until my second childhood.

TV's "Sesame Street" premiered on this date in 1969. My favorite Sesame Street character was Oscar the Grouch. I always thought it would be cool to have your own room with a lid on it.
- You wouldn't have to clean your room; you'd just open the lid and let the ceiling fan blow everything out.

The world's first obscene musical opened on Broadway on this day in 1900. Floradora featured six beautiful young dancers with naked ankles and elbows. and they winked at the audience!
- And to arouse even more prurient interests, the six girls were promoted as a sextet. Well, it was just awful!- And a smash hit.

In 1909 Edward Weston walked across the U.S. from New York to California in 104 days, averaging 37 miles a day. Then, to prove he was crazy, he walked back. In only 77 days, averaging 50 miles a day. Weston completed the round trip on this date in 1909, his 73rd birthday, which he celebrated by soaking his feet.

Love & Learn

Eureka! - Discoveries for the scientifically bent. But fun for everyone. New science, super brain teasers, great trivia, and fun facts every week.

Sports Unlimited - Latest Tiger Woods video game reflects all of Aviara's details.

Travel and Adventure - A visit to Colorado can turn into a lifetime.

DVD Select - Newest, best and worst available on DVD, this week animation in abundance, including Cars, Monster House, Over the Hedge, Ice Age: The Meltdown, The Wild, The Ant Bully, and more.

Today's intriguing autumn question:

Have you noticed how geese always fly south in a V-formation? How do you suppose they pick the lead goose?
- And is her gander proud of her?

Shallow Thoughts

Did you ever wonder, on Veteran's Day do draft dodgers get to together and tell peace stories.

Back home we didn't have many veterans. The bank even had to foreclose on the American Legion hall.

Aggie-in-Chief Is the Man

2006-11-08T14:48:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush is nominating Texas A&M President Robert Gates as his new Secretary of Defense. Most Texans wonder why the Aggie-in-Chief would want to accept a lower position.
- Probably to have more time with his family.
- Wow, when al-Qaida realizes an Aggie is running the show, they'll certainly run for the hills.
- Of course, Gates was also director of the CIA. That's what qualified him to be Chief Aggie.

Can you believe it? Suddenly millions of Americans like Republicans again.
- Admit it, they're not so bad when they're not in power.

There's nothing in this world sadder than politicians who take themselves seriously.

And now the GOP is in disarray. Hey, that's the way the party crumbles.

November 9th Now & Then

The Canadian Finals Rodeo is this week in Edmonton. It’s indoors so the cowboys won’t freeze their lassos.
- Rodeos in Canada are pretty much the same as anywhere else, except because of the cold weather, the older horses wear socks.

Pepa is 37 today. Pepa is part of a rock group Salt 'n' Pepa, famous for shakin' their "thang." Maybe since it's Pepa's birthday, she'll get to rest her "thang."

A massive power failure blacked out New England and Ontario on this date in 1965. It was terrible. Police reported a huge increase in crime: looting ... assault ... seeing-eye dog rustling....

The worst fire in Boston history destroyed 800 buildings on this day in 1872. Reportedly, the whole thing started when local baseball fans tried to light a fire under the Red Sox.

Love & Learn

The Alert Consumer: New TVs - Mitsubishi's 2007 DLP televisions, including its 57-inch WD-57731, offers 1080p as their maximum resolution, and have no problem playing 1080i or lower resolution images either.

Films in Focus: New & Recent Releases - Quick reviews of Borat, Flushed Away, Catch a Fire, Deliver Us from Evil, Marie Antoinette, Flicka, The Prestige, The Departed, Man of the Year, and The Queen.

Sports Roundup: Pro Football - Rams' John Shaw is not afraid of big moves.

Aging Lifestyles - It's time for participants in the Medicare Part D drug program to take another look at their coverage.

Today's Fun Fact:

The average adult snail has exactly 14,175 teeth. And though no snail has ever been photographed brushing his teeth, snails never have cavities.- Just don't let one breathe in your face.

Shallow Thoughts

Actually, election day is pretty boring when all you have to choose from are politicians

Just wait, with Democrats in control, on Sesame Street Rush Limbaugh will win the Oscar for Grouch of the Year.

How to Remove Political Mud

2006-11-07T13:48:00.000-08:00

Big News

Well, the election's over. Now everybody needs a few days to catch their breath and forget their campaign promises.

Actually, there weren't that many campaign promises in this campaign -- just a never ending string of muddy TV commercials.
- If cleanliness is next go Godliness, that could explain why God didn't vote in this one.

Shouldn't there be some kind of warranty on congressmen, so if you don't like them, after the first 90 days, you can exchange them?
- Or if they don't keep their campaign promises, you get your taxes back?
- How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?

It makes no difference who won or who lost. The bad news is we still have Rush Limbaugh.

November 8th Now & Then

"60 Minutes" reporter Morley Safer was born on this day in 1931. So let's all give a hearty cheer for Morley's mom. After all, she did make the world a little Safer.

The Wild West's most famous dentist, Doc Holliday, died on this date in 1887. Doc was an unusual dentist because he never charged a fee to pull people's teeth. He did it just for fun.
- He did charge, however, to stop the bleeding.

The Canadian Rodeo Finals are this week in Edmonton. It's the only rodeo that features frozen Brahma bull riding.
- Alberta has the toughest cowboys in the world. In Alberta, steer wrestling is steer wrestling -- no time limit, two out of three falls.

Hugh Hefner’s daughter, Christie, turns 58 today. Don’t you know it was confusing being a baby around the Playboy mansion. Especially during the stage of breast-feeding.

Love & Learn

Opinion: Eat Like a Rabbit, Live to 140 - Some scientists say the human life span can be boosted to 112 heathy years, with some folks lasting 140 -- but ...

Today's Health Scene - Without warning, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome changes a family forever. How to lower your baby's risk of SIDS.

TV Closeup - Five years ago, Rachael Ray spent more than 100 hours a week managing restaurants. Now the relentless pert has launched a nationally syndicated chat show.

Financial Update - Parents don't know that some games can surf the Net.

Shallow Thoughts

Honest, my school was so tough, I was once suspended for cleanliness.

When you get too old to cry like a baby, you can always cry like a special interest group.

I saw the first sign of winter. The waitresses down at the drive-in have stopped shaving their legs.

Ah, Which Promise to Break First?

2006-11-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

Big News

A recorded Bill Clinton called and asked me to vote a straight Democratic ticket. As opposed, I suppose, to a gay Democratic ticket.
- Before I decide, I'm waiting to see if a recorded George W. Bush calls.
- I like recorded politicians. They never get mad no matter what you call them.

Actually, you can't help but wonder, if Republicans win, who they'll attack to celebrate.

November 7th Now & Then

Today is Election Day in the U.S. Nobody seems to know why. It's just a tradition that every couple of years Americans go to the polls and make some really big mistakes.
- Most of us only do it to protect our griping rights later.

Jeanette Rankin of Montana became the first woman elected to the U.S. Congress on this date in 1916. They put in a special ladies room for her, but she never used it because she didn't have anybody to go with her.

U.S. President Lyndon Johnson established the Corporation for Public Broadcasting on this date in 1967. So, thanks to LBJ, now all Americans know how insects mate.

Evangelist Billy Graham was born on this day in 1918. Before he began preaching, Billy was a late-night disc jockey. And working the grave-yard shift gives you a lot to time to think about the grave yard. So Billy decided to devote his life to warning people to be ready when that great Chief Engineer shuts down their transmitter.
- Fortunately, Billy was never corny enough to put in those terms.

Love & Learn

Financial Update - Parents don't know that some games can surf the Net.

Inside People: Siblings - Turn grown sibling rivalry into revelry. Experts say holidays, such as this Thanksgiving, may be the perfect time to open your heart toward a sibling who is imperfect but still an important part of your life.

Long-Range Weather Fun - How to decide whether to fly south for the winter.

Today's grocery shopping tip:

Always remember, the supermarket ads use pictures of professional pork chops. Your pork chops may vary.

Shallow Thoughts

Do you ever get the feeling, no matter who we elect, the seat of government seems to have a whoopee cushion in it?

It's Election Day and the moment of truth -- the moment voters decide which candidates did the best job of not telling the truth.

Airline Recalls Defective Pilots?

2006-11-05T12:55:00.000-08:00

Big News

Saddam Hussein was convicted Sunday and sentenced to hang. The only question left is whether the hanging will be broadcast live on "Entertainment Tonight."

Northwest Airlines may recall hundreds of pilots. The company did not say, however, how or if the pilots are defective.

A 49-year-old Indiana man was sentenced to 245 years in prison for three murders. With good behavior he could be out in 81 years.
- He'll only be 130, so his girlfriend says she'll wait.

November 6th Now & Then

Actress Sally Field is 60 today. She is one of America's favorite celebrities, but her fan club is disappointed in Sally's special effects. They still want her to win an Academy Award and fly in to accept it dressed in her Flying Nun outfit.

James Naismith was born on this day in 1861. He invented basetball, thank goodness. Otherwise, Shaquille O'Neal probably would be playing hockey.
- Can you imagine size-22 skates?

TV journalist Maria Shriver is 52 today. She'll blow out the candles and hubby Arnold Schwarzenegger will terminate the cake.
- Then they'll have their picture made flexing their cheekbones.

NBC's "Meet the Press" debuted on this day in 1947. Unfortunately, since the show is telecast early on Sunday mornings, nobody has seen it yet.

Love & Learn

Inside People: Siblings - Turn grown sibling rivalry into revelry. Experts say holidays, such as this Thanksgiving, may be the perfect time to open your heart toward a sibling who is imperfect but still an important part of your life.

Long-Range Weather Fun - How to decide whether to fly south for the winter.

Business Travel - Father of luxury luggage: Louis Vuitton or Francois Goyard?

'Tween 12 and 20 - Don't force dating issue just yet .. Heimlich maneuver a lifesaver .. Quit smoking now, for everyone's sake .. Being gay doesn't equal being bad .. The less TV, the better the grades .. Teen is a lonely number .. Almost impossible to be too thin...

Today's Feminist Proverb:

Don't criticize me until you've walked a mile in my pumps.

Shallow Thoughts

We have a 30-year fixed mortgage. That means the bank fixed it so for 30 years we can't buy anything.

I don't worry about crime. I enjoy sleeping under the house.

Life is full of wonders. My mind is constantly fascinated by some of the things my mouth comes up with.